My AD's Story my Co-dependence
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: North Richland Hills, Texas
Posts: 36
My AD's Story my Co-dependence
I guess I have always known my daughter would go down the same path as her father (Full-blown Alcoholic). Even though we left when she was three, I rarely drank or bought alcohol. Her fate was sealed for good when she first saw her father again at eight, then three months later he took his own life...
Then while divorcing my second husband, he thought it was just OK to molest my 11-12 year old fragile child who blamed herself for her real father, and then only knew this one as her “Daddy”, Of course she did not tell anyone because she did not want her brother to grow up without a father, as she had.
She carried this guilt for her father; she carried this shame for her ‘Ex Step father” for years before anyone knew what was happening. At 14 she had a meltdown, we immediately dubbed it Bi-polar based on her father’s life and end of life.
At Sixteen, I found her diary and read about the molestation, we swiftly sought justice and her ex-step father was now a registered offender. My son had to have supervised visitations by a court approved chaperon, well the state of Texas lets the offender choose their chaperon... in addition, oh by the way it is just OK if they get married as well.
My daughter and son were both now in therapy, she said there was nothing wrong, my son started seeing things that were not there and acting out.
I had always know there was an occasional drug use during the remainder of her teens, but nothing out of control, she was making straight A’s, managing a pizza hut, going to college.. Etc. I was excited and thought she was going somewhere.
At 21, Someone gave her a bag of Bars (Xanax) and she took a two week long Xanax vacation. Then somehow got involved with another lost (ex-heroin) addict, his parents both medical professionals, An Anesthesiologist and a Nurse Anesthesiologist. My daughter spent 2 years living in this house with these parents, every time I saw her she was not sober, sometimes so out of it, she would park in the neighbors drive way or fall asleep in the garage, or get a resisting arrest when a suspected DUI and Criminal Mischief when kicking on the door of the police car.
I finally talked her into rehab, although the BF advised her he would leave her when she went and he would end up in a pine box, and that is exactly what happened. His parents moved him to a place in Denver paid his rent, provided utilities and spending money. She was three months back from rehab when she found out he had died of an OD, either intentional or not
Then she spiraled out of control, hitting the bars, sometimes drinking up to 15 shots or more a night, then the Coke, then she became an assault victim, Kicked in the head, both eyes blackened, a brain bleed, her tibia and fibula were broken in 3 places, she had to have a plate and 10 screws put in her leg, the brain bleed stopped on it’s own, but she had her first TBI..
Now she was recuperating on so much Norco to choke a horse. Her need kept going up and up, and then she turned to Heroin. New Stint a rehab, she was placed on Suboxone…
Then she met a new abusive sicko of a bf that prostituted himself and introduced her to meth. This relationship lasted for 2 years while she entered rehab 2 times during this relationship, once for the meth, then another for the depression.
Then she got out of that relationship, was doing good, working, and was in a non-at fault accident, a man pulled in front of her, and hit her almost head on. She was not wearing her seat belt, she was thrown from her side across the center console, broke her femur in three places (Same Leg as Assault) Hit her head on the windshield. The Paramedics, did not know she was on suboxone when they cut her out of the car, so they gave her fentanyl on the way to the ER, If you know what happens when a suboxone patient takes or is given narcotics, they go straight into immediate withdrawals, she suffered a heart event, was placed into a coma and breathing tube.
She had surgery to repair the broken femur, the head injury was overlooked, the heart event was not shared with us, we read about it in the medical records. She was on a breathing tube for 7 days, where she contracted pneumonia. So she spent 31 days in the hospital, then 5 more at a rehabilitation hospital.
When she was released, she was on Hydrocodone, and lots of it. She went from Wheel chair to walker to cane, and was given more and more hydrocodone. Finally, her doctor switched her back to Suboxone, this was not enough to ease the pain, so she would start going on Meth Benders, this last time she was on a 3-month meth bender and finally was arrested on my Birthday in the early hours of 04-21 with 1-3.99 grams of meth. My prayers were answered, something stopped her and it was not death..
I was steel for the first month of her being in Jail waiting on initial appearance, and would not consider bonding her out, then she started to sing that tune the one where I started believing…
I finally listened and convinced my husband, we would bond her out if she would go to rehab and then sober living afterwards. Not coming home again. That was what she said she wanted too. She has been out since June 6th now, it is the 17th, and has already gone out to use and was gone 3 days this time.
She finally showed up here at the house at 830 am for a 9 AM court, still high not ready, forgot her shoes, I had to lend her mine. Was more concerned about her makeup on the way there, then getting there.
We got the courts permission to send her to an out of state rehab, I told her I needed her clothes packed today, so all we needed to do was worry about getting her ready. She is still not packed, and wants to run out and use so badly.
I feel lost, I feel used, I feel trapped, it was so easy to walk away from her dad, but it is not that easy to walk away from a child. I feel like such a fool...
I know I suffer from codependency, I know I need Al-Anon, I wish there were more later meetings in my area, such as 8 pm, all are either at 530 or 6 or 7. I work until 530 each night, there are some 8 pm meetings, just not close enough where the later time makes a difference.
Therefore, I come on here and read SR, I wish my own “Alice” would stop deciding between “eat me and Drink Me” or between the Matrix Red Pill and Blue Pill.
I have not been on SR for a long time, I will start coming back more often now. I am losing any Apathy and Empathy for her.. I now that is sad and tormenting.. but I can only take so much before I break down myself.
Then while divorcing my second husband, he thought it was just OK to molest my 11-12 year old fragile child who blamed herself for her real father, and then only knew this one as her “Daddy”, Of course she did not tell anyone because she did not want her brother to grow up without a father, as she had.
She carried this guilt for her father; she carried this shame for her ‘Ex Step father” for years before anyone knew what was happening. At 14 she had a meltdown, we immediately dubbed it Bi-polar based on her father’s life and end of life.
At Sixteen, I found her diary and read about the molestation, we swiftly sought justice and her ex-step father was now a registered offender. My son had to have supervised visitations by a court approved chaperon, well the state of Texas lets the offender choose their chaperon... in addition, oh by the way it is just OK if they get married as well.
My daughter and son were both now in therapy, she said there was nothing wrong, my son started seeing things that were not there and acting out.
I had always know there was an occasional drug use during the remainder of her teens, but nothing out of control, she was making straight A’s, managing a pizza hut, going to college.. Etc. I was excited and thought she was going somewhere.
At 21, Someone gave her a bag of Bars (Xanax) and she took a two week long Xanax vacation. Then somehow got involved with another lost (ex-heroin) addict, his parents both medical professionals, An Anesthesiologist and a Nurse Anesthesiologist. My daughter spent 2 years living in this house with these parents, every time I saw her she was not sober, sometimes so out of it, she would park in the neighbors drive way or fall asleep in the garage, or get a resisting arrest when a suspected DUI and Criminal Mischief when kicking on the door of the police car.
I finally talked her into rehab, although the BF advised her he would leave her when she went and he would end up in a pine box, and that is exactly what happened. His parents moved him to a place in Denver paid his rent, provided utilities and spending money. She was three months back from rehab when she found out he had died of an OD, either intentional or not
Then she spiraled out of control, hitting the bars, sometimes drinking up to 15 shots or more a night, then the Coke, then she became an assault victim, Kicked in the head, both eyes blackened, a brain bleed, her tibia and fibula were broken in 3 places, she had to have a plate and 10 screws put in her leg, the brain bleed stopped on it’s own, but she had her first TBI..
Now she was recuperating on so much Norco to choke a horse. Her need kept going up and up, and then she turned to Heroin. New Stint a rehab, she was placed on Suboxone…
Then she met a new abusive sicko of a bf that prostituted himself and introduced her to meth. This relationship lasted for 2 years while she entered rehab 2 times during this relationship, once for the meth, then another for the depression.
Then she got out of that relationship, was doing good, working, and was in a non-at fault accident, a man pulled in front of her, and hit her almost head on. She was not wearing her seat belt, she was thrown from her side across the center console, broke her femur in three places (Same Leg as Assault) Hit her head on the windshield. The Paramedics, did not know she was on suboxone when they cut her out of the car, so they gave her fentanyl on the way to the ER, If you know what happens when a suboxone patient takes or is given narcotics, they go straight into immediate withdrawals, she suffered a heart event, was placed into a coma and breathing tube.
She had surgery to repair the broken femur, the head injury was overlooked, the heart event was not shared with us, we read about it in the medical records. She was on a breathing tube for 7 days, where she contracted pneumonia. So she spent 31 days in the hospital, then 5 more at a rehabilitation hospital.
When she was released, she was on Hydrocodone, and lots of it. She went from Wheel chair to walker to cane, and was given more and more hydrocodone. Finally, her doctor switched her back to Suboxone, this was not enough to ease the pain, so she would start going on Meth Benders, this last time she was on a 3-month meth bender and finally was arrested on my Birthday in the early hours of 04-21 with 1-3.99 grams of meth. My prayers were answered, something stopped her and it was not death..
I was steel for the first month of her being in Jail waiting on initial appearance, and would not consider bonding her out, then she started to sing that tune the one where I started believing…
I finally listened and convinced my husband, we would bond her out if she would go to rehab and then sober living afterwards. Not coming home again. That was what she said she wanted too. She has been out since June 6th now, it is the 17th, and has already gone out to use and was gone 3 days this time.
She finally showed up here at the house at 830 am for a 9 AM court, still high not ready, forgot her shoes, I had to lend her mine. Was more concerned about her makeup on the way there, then getting there.
We got the courts permission to send her to an out of state rehab, I told her I needed her clothes packed today, so all we needed to do was worry about getting her ready. She is still not packed, and wants to run out and use so badly.
I feel lost, I feel used, I feel trapped, it was so easy to walk away from her dad, but it is not that easy to walk away from a child. I feel like such a fool...
I know I suffer from codependency, I know I need Al-Anon, I wish there were more later meetings in my area, such as 8 pm, all are either at 530 or 6 or 7. I work until 530 each night, there are some 8 pm meetings, just not close enough where the later time makes a difference.
Therefore, I come on here and read SR, I wish my own “Alice” would stop deciding between “eat me and Drink Me” or between the Matrix Red Pill and Blue Pill.
I have not been on SR for a long time, I will start coming back more often now. I am losing any Apathy and Empathy for her.. I now that is sad and tormenting.. but I can only take so much before I break down myself.
Last edited by Jennirey; 06-16-2016 at 10:55 PM. Reason: Title not right
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Jennirey, I know how hard it is to watch someone we love self-destruct and I have to say that your story is much more traumatic than mine but I suspect the pain is the same.
I know some addicts who were forced into rehab, long term of 6 months in most cases, who came out clean and as far as I know have stayed clean for several years now. Nobody is hopeless, but in the end they have to want to fight the fight. The Salvation Army rehabs are free and they have a very good long term program.
If she won't stay for full program in a rehab, then jail may be the place she needs for getting clean and clearing her head before she proceeds with life.
She cannot change a single day of the past, it is done and over, but she alone has the key to her future happiness and with a lot of work and determination, she could make it to a better life.
My prayers go out for her, for you and for your family. The darkness of addiction has taken a toll on each of you and I am glad that you too are seeking recovery for yourself, for your issues and codependency.
Hugs
I know some addicts who were forced into rehab, long term of 6 months in most cases, who came out clean and as far as I know have stayed clean for several years now. Nobody is hopeless, but in the end they have to want to fight the fight. The Salvation Army rehabs are free and they have a very good long term program.
If she won't stay for full program in a rehab, then jail may be the place she needs for getting clean and clearing her head before she proceeds with life.
She cannot change a single day of the past, it is done and over, but she alone has the key to her future happiness and with a lot of work and determination, she could make it to a better life.
My prayers go out for her, for you and for your family. The darkness of addiction has taken a toll on each of you and I am glad that you too are seeking recovery for yourself, for your issues and codependency.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
You may want to check and see if there are any Celebrate Recovery meetings near you. Very similar to Alanon or Naranon.
I hope you do keep coming here, venting, sharing. You really need that, we all do. Your daughter has went through so much, but until she decides to take control of her own life, this will continue. It's ok for you to love from afar.
I hope you have some peaceful time soon.
Many hugs.
I hope you do keep coming here, venting, sharing. You really need that, we all do. Your daughter has went through so much, but until she decides to take control of her own life, this will continue. It's ok for you to love from afar.
I hope you have some peaceful time soon.
Many hugs.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Hauppauge, NY
Posts: 62
Hi I just wanted to send you a "hug." I totally get it. My daughter is a heroin addict (23). She has been in and out of rehabs and stays a couple of days at the most. My life has been hell but I'm finally learning to let go and let God. Nothing I can say can make this better, it just sucks and it so so painful sometimes that all we can do is breath. I truly believe God has these kids, and us, we just have to trust Him. Easier said than done, I know. I just wanted you to know you are not alone in your pain. I have been on this site for a while, I rarely post, but sometimes someone just makes me want to and you did that for me. I also go on Nar-Anon Support Forum which is an on-line Naranon forum which has on line meetings as well. I go on there sometimes as well. There are a lot of caring people on there as well as here. Good luck and God bless. Stay strong and leave her locked up as long as possible if you can. This disease sucks, but there is hope. Love Elissa.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
Dear Jen, thank you for sharing. Your story is so sad and I am sure your daughter will be much safer in jail. My son was in the pokey three different times and after 5 rehab attempts, he is FINALLY working his recovery. he is 26. We were on the merry go round for 6 years before this miracle happened. Everyone is right. you MUST focus on your recovery, that is really the only thing you can control.
Hugs and Prayers to you and your family.
Teresa
Hugs and Prayers to you and your family.
Teresa
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 44
I had the argument with my ABF today about how I feel he would be "safer" in jail. He was insulted, but sadly it's true. I feel it is the same for your daughter. Every time my ABF has gone to jail, part of me breathes a sigh of relief.
Feeling for you Jennirey. You've come back to the right place <3 sending you lots of love & strength
Feeling for you Jennirey. You've come back to the right place <3 sending you lots of love & strength
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
(((Jen)))my heart breaks to read your daughter and your story.
I am glad you are back... we will be here for you, in any way we can. Its so good to just be able to talk about it, and share your feelings , hurts, tears, and hopes, too.
big hugs..
I am glad you are back... we will be here for you, in any way we can. Its so good to just be able to talk about it, and share your feelings , hurts, tears, and hopes, too.
big hugs..
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 341
I completely understand how painful and frustrating this is for you. My AS is a 28 year old heroin addict and has been through jail, homelessness, and more and still hasn't been willing to really embrace a new way of life and face his fears. Jail is a respite and at least gives us the comfort of knowing they are safer than on the streets. I am so very sorry about her physical traumas and all that you have been through with her. Ultimately, what many say here is very true and we do have to let go and let them want to recover and do the work that goes with it. I'm a codie mommy who had continued my involvement with my AS, even if less and even if I am getting stronger, out of fear of death and the mistaken belief I could save him. It is so hard being the mother of an addict.. When it is complicated by physical and emotional problems and abuse and mental health issues it really tugs at our heart strings. I am learning that I can do so much more for my AS if I do stay out of the way and let him experience the consequences of his choices, but it is hard. You will find lots of support here. I also find, having a place where I can 'talk' to others helps me gain a better perspective on my situation. We have to keep reminding ourselves what has happened and not be dragged down with our addicted children.
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