When is the time to worry?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 1
When is the time to worry?
Hi all, I'm new here and don't have anyone really to talk about this with. Sorry for the rambling!
My SO and I have been together for 2 years, friends for 5 prior to dating. He had always smoked weed, but later on picked up a nasty addiction, mainly heroin and coke.
We have been together since he was in rehab (for the 5th time I believe); after a 4 month program, he was released. They normally didn't like such relationships but they felt I was a great influence with a decent grasp of addict behavior, so he moved straight in with me and my roommate, enrolled back in school & found a job waiting tables.
He was totally abstinent of all substances during rehab obviously; upon getting out, he was on Suboxone and in the state testing program. Somehow, his dad (ironically, an addiction med dr.) was coerced into getting him a medical MJ card, with the intent of it taking away the edge when he started tapering the Subs down. I frowned upon this but was overruled by daddy. Then after a few months, he figured out how to drink a beer on weekends and not have it show up on tests. Again, I got overruled; he was cooperating with AA meetings/testing otherwise, attending his classes and holding down a job... what was the harm in having a beer on Friday night? The general stance from his family has been "If it's not snorted or injected, it doesn't count".
Mild MJ/beer use continued for the next year with no issues... He continued to do well at his job & school... Then he got released from the state program and was granted a vehicle again. Things went downhill; he stopped doing meetings, began sleeping 12 hours a day and not cleaning the house, failed all his classes, never wanted to go out, etc.
Our relationship hit a very nasty patch due to all that; I was the 'bad guy' and allegedly the reason he had no hobbies or friends; culminated in me moving out for Feb/Mar, though we were essentially dating again after 2 weeks of it. He was late for March rent due to the amount he'd spent on booze & alcohol after I left, and by his own admission he'd been out nearly every night drinking with friends because I was gone.
I moved back in but now we have his newfound "friends" who I firmly believe are bad influences and that he is on a very slippery slope. They work in a restaurant w/ late hours, so they think very little of drinking until 4am and crashing on someone's couch (and this is exactly why the last job I wanted him to get was in a restaurant, the kind of people you sometimes find). They seem incapable of hanging out without being baked or drunk.
April, he went out maybe twice all month. I felt he was on his best behavior because I was back around.
May, he was back to an average of 2-3 times a week going out and coming home between 3 and 5 am. When he wasn't going out, he was smoking/drinking at home, or having a drink after work at the restaurant's bar, to the tune of $500/month.
We had a LOT of fights, because everything was "I'm just trying to have fun with my friends" like I'm a nagging shrew. He went in the direction of spoiled child trying to cling onto his party days he 'never had', saying hurtful things like that he wasn't sure about getting back together because he couldn't do whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted (typical addict excuses). I know he is going through this phase where he has to decide what he wants to do with his life, but that's not a reason to fall down the rabbit hole.
He was $140 negative for rent this month. His dad gave him "You wanna relapse again, go ahead", and then had a chat about it with me. He agrees there is a problem, likely depression compounding, but I get the impression that he was sweet-talked into 'everything is fine' later that evening by him.
So far this week, he's been out Wednesday night until 5am, Thursday until 5am, Friday he went out bar hopping with his own family (
, Saturday he came home to me AFTER he went and had a drink with a friend, Sunday night is poker night but then he went and smoked with the same friend so again out until 5am, and here we are on Monday at 4am, him having texted me that he is drunk and waiting for it to pass so he can go home.
He's admitted he drinks a bit too much but hasn't done anything about it. I just now told him I am seriously worried and that he needs to go to a meeting. He agreed, so that's a good sign, and I might just drag him to the 6:30 one when he gets here.
Argh, argh, argh!
My SO and I have been together for 2 years, friends for 5 prior to dating. He had always smoked weed, but later on picked up a nasty addiction, mainly heroin and coke.
We have been together since he was in rehab (for the 5th time I believe); after a 4 month program, he was released. They normally didn't like such relationships but they felt I was a great influence with a decent grasp of addict behavior, so he moved straight in with me and my roommate, enrolled back in school & found a job waiting tables.
He was totally abstinent of all substances during rehab obviously; upon getting out, he was on Suboxone and in the state testing program. Somehow, his dad (ironically, an addiction med dr.) was coerced into getting him a medical MJ card, with the intent of it taking away the edge when he started tapering the Subs down. I frowned upon this but was overruled by daddy. Then after a few months, he figured out how to drink a beer on weekends and not have it show up on tests. Again, I got overruled; he was cooperating with AA meetings/testing otherwise, attending his classes and holding down a job... what was the harm in having a beer on Friday night? The general stance from his family has been "If it's not snorted or injected, it doesn't count".
Mild MJ/beer use continued for the next year with no issues... He continued to do well at his job & school... Then he got released from the state program and was granted a vehicle again. Things went downhill; he stopped doing meetings, began sleeping 12 hours a day and not cleaning the house, failed all his classes, never wanted to go out, etc.
Our relationship hit a very nasty patch due to all that; I was the 'bad guy' and allegedly the reason he had no hobbies or friends; culminated in me moving out for Feb/Mar, though we were essentially dating again after 2 weeks of it. He was late for March rent due to the amount he'd spent on booze & alcohol after I left, and by his own admission he'd been out nearly every night drinking with friends because I was gone.
I moved back in but now we have his newfound "friends" who I firmly believe are bad influences and that he is on a very slippery slope. They work in a restaurant w/ late hours, so they think very little of drinking until 4am and crashing on someone's couch (and this is exactly why the last job I wanted him to get was in a restaurant, the kind of people you sometimes find). They seem incapable of hanging out without being baked or drunk.
April, he went out maybe twice all month. I felt he was on his best behavior because I was back around.
May, he was back to an average of 2-3 times a week going out and coming home between 3 and 5 am. When he wasn't going out, he was smoking/drinking at home, or having a drink after work at the restaurant's bar, to the tune of $500/month.
We had a LOT of fights, because everything was "I'm just trying to have fun with my friends" like I'm a nagging shrew. He went in the direction of spoiled child trying to cling onto his party days he 'never had', saying hurtful things like that he wasn't sure about getting back together because he couldn't do whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted (typical addict excuses). I know he is going through this phase where he has to decide what he wants to do with his life, but that's not a reason to fall down the rabbit hole.
He was $140 negative for rent this month. His dad gave him "You wanna relapse again, go ahead", and then had a chat about it with me. He agrees there is a problem, likely depression compounding, but I get the impression that he was sweet-talked into 'everything is fine' later that evening by him.
So far this week, he's been out Wednesday night until 5am, Thursday until 5am, Friday he went out bar hopping with his own family (
, Saturday he came home to me AFTER he went and had a drink with a friend, Sunday night is poker night but then he went and smoked with the same friend so again out until 5am, and here we are on Monday at 4am, him having texted me that he is drunk and waiting for it to pass so he can go home.He's admitted he drinks a bit too much but hasn't done anything about it. I just now told him I am seriously worried and that he needs to go to a meeting. He agreed, so that's a good sign, and I might just drag him to the 6:30 one when he gets here.
Argh, argh, argh!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: NORTHFIELD
Posts: 188
Ah, I don't have any advice, other than to listen to your gut, and know that you are being heard. It's such a helpless feeling. And I can so commiserate with always being the bad guy. Hang in there. I hope it gets better.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Maybe instead of dragging him to a meeting, you should voluntarily go to a Alanon or Celebrate Recovery meeting. It's not likely that if you drag him to a meeting he will get anything out of it other than to shut you up. And I say that with kindness b/c I have been the one dragging, I get it!
When I first started Celebrate Recovery, I thought I was going there to scout it out for the qualifier in my life. Little did I know, that program would change MY life.
It's not likely his behavior is going to change anytime soon. You cannot control how he acts, but you can control how you react.
Many hugs. Welcome to SR, this is a place of great support. Keep reading, read the stickies at the top of the forum, absorb all you can. And keep posting, there is great feedback here from people who really do understand.
When I first started Celebrate Recovery, I thought I was going there to scout it out for the qualifier in my life. Little did I know, that program would change MY life.
It's not likely his behavior is going to change anytime soon. You cannot control how he acts, but you can control how you react.
Many hugs. Welcome to SR, this is a place of great support. Keep reading, read the stickies at the top of the forum, absorb all you can. And keep posting, there is great feedback here from people who really do understand.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 635
I'd say it's past the point of worrying- both in that things have been going downhill for so long and also in that you should have started focusing on yourself long ago instead of trying to fix him. But I realize this is very, very difficult to do!
I don't like the idea of you "dragging" him to a meeting. It rings too familiar to my old codependent days. I insisted my husband go to rehab, and he'd call me every day pretending to be at one. I found out he was living in his car. So I made arrangements myself and got him in a lockdown facility. I received a phone call from the counselor that he claimed he didn't have a problem- that he was just there to make his wife "get off his back". When he got out I marched him down to his doctor's office to get him to make a note that he was addicted to oxy and needed to be prescribed something else. He started abusing tramadol and even turned to meth. And he resented the heck out of me, even hated me for my "help".
Bottom line: Let him get help if he wants it. Don't make it your business at all.
And oh, the father issue. So easily manipulated, aren't they? I remember when I tattled to my FIL that STBX was being careless with his guns and had left them within our childrens' reach. I thought he could talk some sense into him, and he was happy to. STBX told him I was a flaming liberal that wanted to take everyone's guns away, and that he always kept his guns in a safe. He believed him and gave me a long lecture about the 2nd amendment.
Anyway, good luck to you
I don't like the idea of you "dragging" him to a meeting. It rings too familiar to my old codependent days. I insisted my husband go to rehab, and he'd call me every day pretending to be at one. I found out he was living in his car. So I made arrangements myself and got him in a lockdown facility. I received a phone call from the counselor that he claimed he didn't have a problem- that he was just there to make his wife "get off his back". When he got out I marched him down to his doctor's office to get him to make a note that he was addicted to oxy and needed to be prescribed something else. He started abusing tramadol and even turned to meth. And he resented the heck out of me, even hated me for my "help".
Bottom line: Let him get help if he wants it. Don't make it your business at all.
And oh, the father issue. So easily manipulated, aren't they? I remember when I tattled to my FIL that STBX was being careless with his guns and had left them within our childrens' reach. I thought he could talk some sense into him, and he was happy to. STBX told him I was a flaming liberal that wanted to take everyone's guns away, and that he always kept his guns in a safe. He believed him and gave me a long lecture about the 2nd amendment.
Anyway, good luck to you
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
welcome to SR.
i had to re-read your post a couple times because i thought you were a parent reporting on their addict child. that can be due to the combination of him ACTING like a child/immature adult and you shifting in to the position of hall monitor, drug police, and decider of how he SHOULD be living his life. including dragging him to meetings.
recovery doesn't work that way....we can't love them into it, shame them into it, scold them, drag them or beg them. this is all quite evident in your story.....HE continues to do what HE wants, regardless.
we have a saying here.....watch their ACTIONS, instead of listen to their words. what do his ACTIONS tell you?
this must all be pretty exhausting for you. i presume you are fairly young (you mentioned school), and perhaps it's time to ask what is best for YOUR life?
i had to re-read your post a couple times because i thought you were a parent reporting on their addict child. that can be due to the combination of him ACTING like a child/immature adult and you shifting in to the position of hall monitor, drug police, and decider of how he SHOULD be living his life. including dragging him to meetings.
recovery doesn't work that way....we can't love them into it, shame them into it, scold them, drag them or beg them. this is all quite evident in your story.....HE continues to do what HE wants, regardless.
we have a saying here.....watch their ACTIONS, instead of listen to their words. what do his ACTIONS tell you?
this must all be pretty exhausting for you. i presume you are fairly young (you mentioned school), and perhaps it's time to ask what is best for YOUR life?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Two years of this is too long, doesn’t matter that you’ve known him for 5 years prior. He was a drug addict before you came along and he’ll be a drug addict long after you decide you have had enough.
He is surrounded by enablers who tolerate his unacceptable behavior, he’s comfortable but you are not – that’s your start to your own recovery.
You had to move out of YOUR own apartment due to his unacceptable behavior, yet, that wasn’t enough for you. Only you can decide on what is enough. What is your deal breaker?
When we start to say things like, I might drag him to an AA meeting we no longer are in a loving relationship but a very toxic one where both individuals need outside help.
I agree, take yourself to a nar-anon or al-anon meeting, begin to work on you………..he’s already made up his mind on which path he continues to take in life you’re just not ready to accept that yet.
When is the time to worry??? NOW but about yourself.
He is surrounded by enablers who tolerate his unacceptable behavior, he’s comfortable but you are not – that’s your start to your own recovery.
You had to move out of YOUR own apartment due to his unacceptable behavior, yet, that wasn’t enough for you. Only you can decide on what is enough. What is your deal breaker?
When we start to say things like, I might drag him to an AA meeting we no longer are in a loving relationship but a very toxic one where both individuals need outside help.
I agree, take yourself to a nar-anon or al-anon meeting, begin to work on you………..he’s already made up his mind on which path he continues to take in life you’re just not ready to accept that yet.
When is the time to worry??? NOW but about yourself.
Member
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 90
The only behavior that you can control is your own. The only person that you can change is yourself. The only decisions you can make are your own.
The only situations you have to remain in as an adult are those in which you choose to remain.
Wishing you peace!
The only situations you have to remain in as an adult are those in which you choose to remain.
Wishing you peace!
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