JennaRoseMadre

Hi. I'm going through a very tough time. My emotions are getting out of control. I wrote last week about having panic attacks. Getting worse, worrying about my son. I'm not going to go into too much, because all of you have your own issues and I'm not looking to throw a pity party for myself.... I don't have things "worse" or "better" and usually I try and succeed at being strong. But I feel like I've been strong and supportive for so long that I've reached a breaking point. The enormity of "everything" for the past couple of years just crashed down on my the other day and I completely lost it. I was alone, dealing with an issue, and I thought that I was going to simply sit down, curl up and stay there forever. Like everything was just too much and I didn't have an ounce of energy, strength, reason ... in me. I was empty of everything except pain and fear and panic. I called my sister-in-law who came to be with me right way. When I saw her, the floods opened up and I think I cried for an hour non stop. She wanted to give me a xanax, but OMG NO! My son is clean from H -- I don't want anything stronger than tylenol in my house at this point. She was like, you can hide it, or you can just take one now and I won't leave any here. But NO! I needed to cry it out and it's just the enormity of EVERYTHING and being strong all the time and pretending to be happy and putting on a smile and being encouraging to son but inside always feeling like I'm falling into a bottomless pit of worry. My husband tells me "be strong". I always have been. It's so hard for me to ask for any help from ANYONE because I feel like "I'm competent, I'm strong, I should be able to handle this" and then I also always want to protect other people. I know how badly I hurt, and I don't want them to hurt so I take on more and more and don't ask for any help. Hell, not even "I'm too stressed, let's order takeout food tonight." No, like an idiot, dying inside emotionally, I'll stand in the kitchen and cook a meal for husband and there's no way I can eat it. The smell of anything cooking and I want to vomit. Yesterday I ate a bran muffin. Period. And I couldn't finish that because I felt sick. I have to get this under control. I don't want a xanax. I just want everything to go back to the way it was before my son had his addiction, before the legal ramifications, before rehab... and I know that's fruitless, it's not going to happen. And I am so proud of my son. He has the motivation and determination to get up every day and say to himself "I was clean yesterday, I will be clean today" and then go to work, to therapy, to a meeting, meet with sponsor, to probation, to and do whatever he has to protect his sobriety. That's the real strength. And when he faltered, he just started the process over and is doing great with his recovery. I love him so much, our family loves him. NO MATTER WHAT (and this might sound crazy) but his determination makes him heroic in an ironic kind of way. But the world looks at him like he's some piece of crap on the bottom of a shoe. Oh, junkie. NO HE IS A GOOD MAN who is facing a problem head on. He is a loved son, loved brother, loved grandson, loved nephew. He's not garbage. He's my baby, dealing with a life-long recovery for a problem he got into because what the hell EVERYONE makes mistakes in their life, and his mistake happened to have huge consequences. But who is perfect? But people don't understand. It's easier to avoid friends because they will say the "right" thing of sympathy but you see it in their eyes, they don't understand and they're busy thanking God that this isn't THEIR kid's problem. My son tells me that I have been the best mother he could ever have hoped to have, and none of this is my fault, and intellectually I can hear those words and understand, but in my heart, I feel like I've failed him. I just want you all to know that reading your stories has helped me tremendously to not feel alone. I feel like as different as every one of our lives/situations are, we have something so horrific in common that I don't feel judged here, I don't judge here. I want all of you, all of your family members well and healthy and sober in recovery. I want a good life for all of you and for me and mine. I do pray for all of you every night. I have been a lapsed Catholic for a long time, and don't want to be active in a church, but I have found some solice in praying the rosary every day. I pray for my family, I pray for yours . If even one of you could keep me/my family in your prayers too, I would appreciate it from the bottom of my heart. Im sorry this is so long, I'm sorry I sound like a drama queen. I just don't want my husband to see me cry again, i don't want to call and cry to my mother or SIL yet again, mostly I don't want my son to see me crying because then he feels guilty and I don't want that for him. I hate what has transpired in his life, but I love him and am proud of the way he is conducting himself. Well, if anyone actually read this, thank you. If not, it felt good just to write it.

AnvilheadII

you DO NOT sound like a drama queen!!! you sound like a mom who loves her son VERY much, cares VERY much, and has been thru hell and back. i don't think it is any different than if he perhaps had had some nearly fatal illness and recovered.

you didn't FAIL as a parent.....we give them life, teach them how to walk, talk, go potty, hold hands when crossing the street, and share with others. we are not responsible for every choice they make after that.....if you look at how he is conducting himself now, you can see the imprint YOU made. he's doing the right thing. he's owning up to his missteps. he is acknowledging the good parenting he did have.

you may want to consider seeing a therapist or your health care provider - i understand you don't want drugs, but you may need some type of help getting back in balance. you are not Atlas, and you cannot hold the world on your shoulders for very long. your son has stablized, it's ok to breathe. it's ok to say that going forward, how HE proceeds is on him. give him the dignity of doing so. let the god of your understanding have a chance at him!

please post as much as you need. ok, MAYBE add a paragraph break or two, but do post!!!!! we are here for you and we care.

JennaRoseMadre

Thank you. sorry about the paragraphs (lack of). It all just came pouring out and I couldn't stop. I have a therapist, but she was away last week and this, and I know I could have spoken to someone else in her office if I had called and asked, but I'm stubborn and it took a whole lot for me to even begin to open up with her. No way I could sit face to face with someone else and let loose with that tirade of emotions.

I'm so grateful to have found this site. Thank you for your kindness.

INgal

Jenna, big hugs to you, my friend. You are not to blame-your son is right. He sounds very motivated and I'm sure you are proud of him. The sheer exhaustion of dealing with our kids' addictions is too much to bear. Tomorrow is a new day for both him and you. Stay the course and be good to yourself.

dorton

No matter how strong any of us are, we all will and need to fall apart sometimes. This forum got me through some very dark times, keep posting. You definitely are in my prayers.

JennaRoseMadre

Thank you, everyone. Really, thank you! ((HUG))

Anaya

Praying for you and your family.

JennaRoseMadre

I really wish I knew how to edit, I'd add some paragraph breaks to that first post.

I slept better last night. I even ate dinner (husband wanted to order food). Of course I woke up at 4 with a stomach ache because it was the first time I ate dinner in about a week, but still.

I remembered an anti anxiety homeopathic pill I used to use several years ago when going through another stressful time, and my doc wanted to give me xanax or ativan, but I didn't want them. I was blanking on the name, but Google helped me. It's a well-known brand name, but the drug stores near me don't carry the anxiety product any longer, but I ordered it online, along with some essential oils for calming. Now I like to burn sage, but my husband gags on the scent, so we need an alternative.

Late yesterday, after a teary morning and then my afternoon meltdown, my book order from Barnes & Nobel arrived, including "Just For Today" that my son had asked for. I read some passages from that.

Today it's going to rain all day. I have to do some laundry and will probably nap and watch whatever movies are playing on TV. Because of the weather, my husband and son will be around (if it was nice out, they might have gone fishing). So I won't be alone, which is good for me.

I need groceries, too. But I can't handle the idea of going out to get them, so I'll order online, and include some prepared food for dinners today and tomorrow. My son will go pick it up later.

I didn't sleep Thursday night - fell asleep at 4 am Friday, up for the day about 730. Kept as busy as I could, picked up coffee & donuts (was National Donut Day) and went to SIL's house for a few hours, played w/ her dog, helped her hang curtains. Came home, son was having dinner w/ girlfriend, husband had long-standing plans to get together with old buddys from school. I ended up sitting on my bed with the laptop and a magazine at 4, thinking I'd fall asleep really early to make up for the night before, but I was wide awake when son came home at 9 and when husband came home at 10. Came downstairs and watched TV with them for a little bit, but fell right asleep in my chair. (I think I needed them to be home before I could give in to sleep). I remember husband waking me and helping me up the stairs around 11. Thankfully he just let me get in bed in my shorts and T-shirt I'd been wearing all day, if I had made the effort to change into PJ's I'm sure I would have woken up too much and been wide awake all night.

Yesterday I did get out in the early afternoon. I met my other son and his wife for an early lunch. I had a great time. I felt calm, relaxed (almost like I had taken a xanax), but as I was getting closer and closer to home, the anxiety kept building until it overflowed. Sigh.

Deciding now if I should make some coffee or make an attempt to sleep for another hour.

I guess that's it. This is rambling, I know. Maybe it's more for me and my peace of mind than to elicit responses. It's got to be boring for anyone to read. I guess it's good for me to have a plan for today, instead of simply sitting in my chair and obsessing.

JOIE12

please share as often as you need, to get the words and feelings out. Every story is different and at the other end of the keyboard is a person so much like each of us. We have had the same thoughts and it helps us as much as it helps you.

I wish you strength JRM. Nothing brings more heartache than when it is our child.

Hugs,
Joie

Anaya

I agree with JOIE12, "Nothing brings more heartache than when it is our child."

As you've shared, I've also found keeping busy and spending time with family helps as I continue to work on keeping boundaries in place and to accept my life as it is right now.

Here's to a peaceful Sunday and a good night's sleep for you.

JennaRoseMadre

Thank you. I did fall back to sleep, once for an hour and once for 1/2 hour. Now I'm ordering my groceries online. My son's girlfriend (God bless her) called him this morning and told him there's an NA meeting near her house at 10 and she would go with him, and then treat him to breakfast after. So he's out with a smile on his face. I think my SIL gave my husband a 101 level course: "intro to your wife's emotional state". I know she called him yesterday, and he's been tip toeing around me this morning. Make you coffee? What time should I pick up groceries? Worried that my stomach was bad again last night, offering to make white rice, tilapia and apple sauce for my dinner so I can (hopefully) digest what I eat today. He's really a good guy but NOT good with emotions and is waaaaay to used to me being strong and handling stuff.

At this time, I've broken and can't slap on that happy face and keep everyone else OK. He's got to step up. I know he can; he has in the past. And I know it's partly my fault because I always just "carry on" and deal with whatever "it" is at the moment. This time I simply can't.

My SIL recognizes that I have always been strong for the family. When my FIL died, SIL and husband fell apart and I was left with figuring out care for their mom with alzheimers, selling her house, finding a residence, etc. When my MIL died, they again fell apart and I was their rock. Then my brother was dx with cancer, and though they lived 1,000 miles away, I was the rock for him, his wife and daughter. My dad died. Again... rock for my mother. Then during Stage IV Cancer, my brother's wife abandoned him and their daughter and again, I was his rock - not only cancer, but the wife's folly and his worry about what would happen to daughter. Then he passed away, and again I was the rock for my widowed mother who was breaking apart over her son's death, and I had to fight a custody battle for my niece to keep her away from her mother's clutches (she does not live w/ me - she's still 1,000 but another loving, stable family member and wife are her legal guardians, which I financed the legal battle and provided the emotional support). Almost right after that, my son's "journey" started.

So it's been near constant for 10 years. I think it's my turn to let someone nurture me.

Thanks for listening! Thanks for encouraging!

Dreamcatcher44

JRM...thank you for sharing. Your post made me cry. A catharthic cry..one ive been holding in and needed desperately. Its the perceptions of others towards the addict that are upsetting to deal with once the addiction gets under control. And as u said hes ur baby and hes a good person and they are. My family has been really harsh about my addicts treatment of me. And now he is clean and we r beginning to talk again im getting all his actions thrown in my face and it hurts deeply. So deeply and no one seems to understand..until i get on SR and i see ur post and i cry because u do. U love and u know...its ok not to always be strong. U know what u are capable of but now is the time for healing. For crying. Thank u again and keep posting. Take care.

JennaRoseMadre

Glad your loved one is in recovery. Glad you're healing.

I remember a coworker once commented about a woman who lived in our town who kind of acted like she was just a tad bit better than anyone else. Coworker found out that the "better" lady had a son in rehab, and made a snide remark about "she thinks her ---- doesn't stink, but look at her kid" - my son was nowhere near addiction at that time, so it wasn't self-preservation or whatever, but that remark was like a stab to the heart . I don't care how much I didn't particularly care for that woman, to make a remark like that about her son was way out of bounds. (Thankfully, I don't work with that person any longer.) In fact, when I found about "better's" son, it made me pause and wonder if that wasn't why she was so guarded and stand-offish. Maybe she didn't think she was better. Maybe she just had a wall up because she didn't want to be hurt, or she didn't want to share her business with the world.

So I don't judge. And if I hear the voice in my head doing so, I put a stop to it. I can wonder, I can advise, I can ask. But I will not judge.

daisy6234

I totally understand where you're coming from on being strong for everyone. I handled everything with all my kids illnesses, church events. Making sure dinner was on table made by me every night. I really enjoyed it. Then when everything fell apart right before my son went to rehab the 2nd time I couldn't do it. I told myself if I'm not healthy and take care of me who is. I would feel guilty for not doing everything. Now I have learned the family has as much if not more healing to do as the addict. It a war we had been fighting and we can only do so much. It sounds like your husband is trying to understand and give you allowance. Give yourself permission to grieve to cry or to learn that it's ok to take care of you. You are worth it. Your son will benefit from a healthy mom. Take care keep writing here. These people get what you're going through and have so much wisdom and compassion.

JennaRoseMadre

Hi. Still I can't thank you enough for rallying to me this weekend. I can never explain how much it means to me. Today was a much better day for me. I was at work, which means BUSY! And if I'm busy, I can't fret. I'm also very happy because I'd ordered some books online (my son wanted "Just For Today" which I've paged through and think is a great book, if anyone doesn't have it, I recommend it), and I needed one more item to qualify for free shipping, and ended up ordering an adult coloring book (Mandellas). It came on Saturday afternoon and last night I spent a happy hour coloring. My therapist told me it was relaxing and would be a good thing to do, but really... I thought she was nuts! She was right. I'm looking forward to coloring another tonight. It's almost meditative. I have to face some tough issues with my son this coming week. I need to hold myself together and be his support system. I can do this!! I was clearing out messages on my landline voice mail earlier this evening and heard my own message to my husband from last Thursday night when (something) happened and I was in a panic. My voice scared ME!

I'm starting to think I am kind of certifiable though. I didn't know my son's sponsor's last name. Just first name which while not completely unique, is a little uncommon. I knew his age. I know what town he lives in. Based on my son's really sh*tty record in choosing who to associate with from people he meets at NA, I got to thinking, and googled that first name and town and came up with someone with that first name, living in that town, same age who has RECENT multiple arrests for drugs, assaulting police, etc. I'm not judging... someone can google my son's name and find a recent arrest... but he's not claiming to be qualified to sponsor anyone else.... so....Oh so casually, I asked my son what Sponsor's last name is... and THANK GOD it's something completely different.

A lot of the time I wish I could simply turn off my brain!! Hey... thanks for listening!

again2016

I feel like you just shared my life. So similar it brought tears to my eyes. This disease effects so many and the pain that it is a child sometimes is more than we can carry.

JennaRoseMadre

Hi... I wonder if this will be helpful to anyone else. I ordered two essential oils that arrived today. They're Ylang Ylang (helps depression) and Bergamot (is uplifting and relaxing). The YY scent is floral and Bergamot is citrus. You can put in a diffuser or just put a drop on a pillowcase. For tonight I have a couple of drops of Bergamot on a cottonball in the living room, next to my chair.

Burning sage always relaxes me and I get a wonderful sense of well being. But my husband finds the scent cloying and it really bothers him, so I've stopped using it (he had to stop wearing a specific deodorant because I couldn't stand the scent so I guess we're even LOL). I still burn sage if I know he's going to be gone all day (shhhh!)

hopeful4

Thanks for sharing that. I am looking into getting an oils diffuser for my house. I recently went to a health food store who had one going, it was amazing. However, it was also quite expensive. So it will have to wait!

I will put those smells on my wish list!

Queenbee7

If you do some research online and google essential oils you can find some very good quality, cost efficient oils. I would put the companies I shop at, but don't know if that is against the rules here.

I love essential oils and own around 30 different kinds lol

JennaRoseMadre

Ditto, not knowing if we can post about where to buy. There was something I specifically needed to buy, and had to spend $35 to get free shipping. So I was able to buy two essential oils plus the product I originally needed for just over $35. And it arrived so quickly. The other product was a homeopathic anxiety remedy. Don't know if I can talk about that, either, but I've used it in the past and it helps.