UPDATE: I'm in NEED of much wanted words of wisdom, advice, support!!
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Join Date: May 2016
Location: My Hive
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UPDATE: I'm in NEED of much wanted words of wisdom, advice, support!!
UPDATE: I'm in NEED of much wanted words of wisdom, advice, support!!
I'm lying in my bed writing this post feeling so utterly drained, sad, almost a mourning feeling, I feel confused, my head feels scrambled. Why do I let him do this to me? Why?
My AH has been out of our house for 8 days after a very brief reunion that lasted one whole week. I stuck by his side during his 47 days in jail and he stuck to his promises for 168 hours. It seems almost comical to me right now. I think because of stress and lack of sleep.
I knew it was a gamble that our "happily ever after" would come true, but I guess the deepest part of my soul wanted it more then I let myself believe. Now the truth is slapping me in the face and it hurts so DAMN bad!
I actually handled his initial return to drugs and not being home better then I'm handling this latest incident and I don't know why. My H is not only a major crack user but he is a wanted felon who threw his second chance at life away and is looking at getting some hard time when he finally gets caught.
The day after he stayed out all night I knew in my heart it was over and that I could no longer be in such a one sided relationship. It was painful but it was easy. I knew there was NO chance I would let him back into my house, changed my phone number, ignored all of his tactics to communicate with me, started therapy, joined a gym, just going out my daily life feeling stronger and stronger each day. Feeling good and solid about my decision.
Then suddenly when I was in town last night sitting in a parking lot having just pulled into, he appears and climbs into my front seat wanting to talk. I really couldn't believe my eyes or what was happening. I guess my fantasy was I would never have to deal with him again, but there he sat the man I love and can't have a relationship with in any healthy way. He sat there smiling and trying to hold my hand and bearing me gifts which I refused. Then he started to profess his undying love for me, how he wants all these good things for us, that him not coming home was not his fault and no of course he's not on drugs when he was clearly high right then and there. I have to admit that it make a crack in my Armour and that startled me.
I sat in that car listening longer then I should have because I want sooo badly for it to all be true. Oh OK sorry my mistake, yes come home so we can be a big happy family. I wish I could make it true and so today I ache inside so deeply. He sat there looking handsome, drove up in a nice car, money in his wallet and MAN the words rolled out of his mouth like honey.
When I kept steering the conversation back to the facts he tried to turn the tables on me and make me look like the bad guy. He is a jealous type and doesn't like me on social media sites and accused me of being on one even though my accounts are deactivated. And kept insisting I was and calling me a liar. It was absurd to me that my crack smoking husband who abandoned his family and is a wanted felon would get angry about facebook. It seemed rational to him. In an interesting switch of events his cell phone showed he has been talking to women on facebook and texting women. Of course he said the cell phone was not his but a friend of his. (Also found some condoms in his truck a while back that he says aren't his.. What is your opinion on that? Please I need absolute utter reality shoved in my face right now!!) He says he has never cheated. But he is always gone, gone, gone. So many other instances involving other women that he explains off..Hmmmm.
Anyways after this I calmly told him we were absolutely over and went on my way to my already planned appointment and left him calling after me in the parking lot while I didn't look back and walked on.
Fast forward a few hours and I'm awoken in my bed to him softly throwing pebbles at my window and for some reason I go to him and open the door. There was a resonating of pitty and closeness to him from our earlier encounter that lingered in me.
He steps inside and hugs me tight, then starts looking around the room paranoid (he was obviously coming down) and in the next minute he's chewing me out again about facebook. I spend a ridiculous amount of time defending myself over a nothing of importance matter at 2am trying to prove my loyalty and devotion to this man who walked out on me for drugs. All of a sudden I'm trying to hold his hand and hug him and convince him that yes I really did love you. Next thing you know one thing leads to another and now today I'm dealing with the emotional after math of allowing myself to indulge in closeness with a person I know is so far gone to addiction and really a criminal lifestyle that there is no hope for a healthy relationship. Why did I allow myself to go there??? I'm so mad at myself. Now it's like starting over but harder. I have to "break up" again cause now he thinks theirs hope my own heart is confused and thinks theirs hope BUT my brain knows the truth. Its a deep mourning again for a relationship I wanted so badly but won't get. Why does that mans words have more weight with me then his actions??!! I need some good advice, words of wisdom, support, something kind something blunt PLEASE I just need to hear some words
I'm lying in my bed writing this post feeling so utterly drained, sad, almost a mourning feeling, I feel confused, my head feels scrambled. Why do I let him do this to me? Why?
My AH has been out of our house for 8 days after a very brief reunion that lasted one whole week. I stuck by his side during his 47 days in jail and he stuck to his promises for 168 hours. It seems almost comical to me right now. I think because of stress and lack of sleep.
I knew it was a gamble that our "happily ever after" would come true, but I guess the deepest part of my soul wanted it more then I let myself believe. Now the truth is slapping me in the face and it hurts so DAMN bad!
I actually handled his initial return to drugs and not being home better then I'm handling this latest incident and I don't know why. My H is not only a major crack user but he is a wanted felon who threw his second chance at life away and is looking at getting some hard time when he finally gets caught.
The day after he stayed out all night I knew in my heart it was over and that I could no longer be in such a one sided relationship. It was painful but it was easy. I knew there was NO chance I would let him back into my house, changed my phone number, ignored all of his tactics to communicate with me, started therapy, joined a gym, just going out my daily life feeling stronger and stronger each day. Feeling good and solid about my decision.
Then suddenly when I was in town last night sitting in a parking lot having just pulled into, he appears and climbs into my front seat wanting to talk. I really couldn't believe my eyes or what was happening. I guess my fantasy was I would never have to deal with him again, but there he sat the man I love and can't have a relationship with in any healthy way. He sat there smiling and trying to hold my hand and bearing me gifts which I refused. Then he started to profess his undying love for me, how he wants all these good things for us, that him not coming home was not his fault and no of course he's not on drugs when he was clearly high right then and there. I have to admit that it make a crack in my Armour and that startled me.
I sat in that car listening longer then I should have because I want sooo badly for it to all be true. Oh OK sorry my mistake, yes come home so we can be a big happy family. I wish I could make it true and so today I ache inside so deeply. He sat there looking handsome, drove up in a nice car, money in his wallet and MAN the words rolled out of his mouth like honey.
When I kept steering the conversation back to the facts he tried to turn the tables on me and make me look like the bad guy. He is a jealous type and doesn't like me on social media sites and accused me of being on one even though my accounts are deactivated. And kept insisting I was and calling me a liar. It was absurd to me that my crack smoking husband who abandoned his family and is a wanted felon would get angry about facebook. It seemed rational to him. In an interesting switch of events his cell phone showed he has been talking to women on facebook and texting women. Of course he said the cell phone was not his but a friend of his. (Also found some condoms in his truck a while back that he says aren't his.. What is your opinion on that? Please I need absolute utter reality shoved in my face right now!!) He says he has never cheated. But he is always gone, gone, gone. So many other instances involving other women that he explains off..Hmmmm.
Anyways after this I calmly told him we were absolutely over and went on my way to my already planned appointment and left him calling after me in the parking lot while I didn't look back and walked on.
Fast forward a few hours and I'm awoken in my bed to him softly throwing pebbles at my window and for some reason I go to him and open the door. There was a resonating of pitty and closeness to him from our earlier encounter that lingered in me.
He steps inside and hugs me tight, then starts looking around the room paranoid (he was obviously coming down) and in the next minute he's chewing me out again about facebook. I spend a ridiculous amount of time defending myself over a nothing of importance matter at 2am trying to prove my loyalty and devotion to this man who walked out on me for drugs. All of a sudden I'm trying to hold his hand and hug him and convince him that yes I really did love you. Next thing you know one thing leads to another and now today I'm dealing with the emotional after math of allowing myself to indulge in closeness with a person I know is so far gone to addiction and really a criminal lifestyle that there is no hope for a healthy relationship. Why did I allow myself to go there??? I'm so mad at myself. Now it's like starting over but harder. I have to "break up" again cause now he thinks theirs hope my own heart is confused and thinks theirs hope BUT my brain knows the truth. Its a deep mourning again for a relationship I wanted so badly but won't get. Why does that mans words have more weight with me then his actions??!! I need some good advice, words of wisdom, support, something kind something blunt PLEASE I just need to hear some words
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 408
Originally Posted by Queenbee7 
In an interesting switch of events his cell phone showed he has been talking to women on facebook and texting women. Of course he said the cell phone was not his but a friend of his. (Also found some condoms in his truck a while back that he says aren't his.. What is your opinion on that? Please I need absolute utter reality shoved in my face right now!!) He says he has never cheated. But he is always gone, gone, gone. So many other instances involving other women that he explains off..Hmmmm.
1. The condoms are a huge red flag (one of many) it would be wise to think about whether or not you are really accepting the possibility that he is cheating on you with another woman(en).
2. If he's NOT cheating on you physically (which IMO it sounds like he is) he is STILL cheating on you with drugs.
3. Remember the only thing he truly loves (even more than himself) is drugs.
4. You will always come second to drugs.
5. It gets worse before it gets better, if it EVER gets better (a lot of the time it doesn't).
6. You can't love someone into recovery
Sending you tight hugs, hang in there. I know it's tough.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Do you want serenity and hope for the future or do you want drama and rollercoaster rides that crash?
Hey, I've been there. All those thrilling romantic movie moments, followed by landing hard on the rocks of reality. What he's spouting is all nonsense, of course, and you know it in your brain, but it takes longer for our hearts to wake up sometimes.
He's your addiction and it may take longer than eight days for you to hit rock bottom.
Sending you a hug.
P.S. Of course he's cheating. "Those condoms aren't mine..." Lordy, he's not even trying.
Hey, I've been there. All those thrilling romantic movie moments, followed by landing hard on the rocks of reality. What he's spouting is all nonsense, of course, and you know it in your brain, but it takes longer for our hearts to wake up sometimes.
He's your addiction and it may take longer than eight days for you to hit rock bottom.
Sending you a hug.
P.S. Of course he's cheating. "Those condoms aren't mine..." Lordy, he's not even trying.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 250
His words mean nothing, his actions mean everything. Is he acting like someone who wants to stay sober? Is he working any type of recovery program?
I desperately wanted to believe my ex and that our marriage would be able to survive. There were so many times when I would fall for lies because he was so damn convincing. I think if he would have told me that the sun was purple, I would probably have believed that too. Eventually, I decided that I didn't want to be with someone who would try to make me think I'm the crazy one just to avoid dealing with their own mistakes.
I went no contact, and it was probably the best thing I could have done. The more distance there was between us, the clearer I was able to see things and how crazy my thinking and life were becoming. There were a few times when I did accept his calls or answer his texts, so give yourself a break for having contact with him. I could tell just by reading his texts that he had relapsed so I ended up blocking his number and screening all my calls. It's now been over 2 years since my last contact with him. It wasn't easy, but I was able to break free. You can too. Yes, it's going to hurt like crazy sometimes, but just remind yourself that you WILL get through this.
I desperately wanted to believe my ex and that our marriage would be able to survive. There were so many times when I would fall for lies because he was so damn convincing. I think if he would have told me that the sun was purple, I would probably have believed that too. Eventually, I decided that I didn't want to be with someone who would try to make me think I'm the crazy one just to avoid dealing with their own mistakes.
I went no contact, and it was probably the best thing I could have done. The more distance there was between us, the clearer I was able to see things and how crazy my thinking and life were becoming. There were a few times when I did accept his calls or answer his texts, so give yourself a break for having contact with him. I could tell just by reading his texts that he had relapsed so I ended up blocking his number and screening all my calls. It's now been over 2 years since my last contact with him. It wasn't easy, but I was able to break free. You can too. Yes, it's going to hurt like crazy sometimes, but just remind yourself that you WILL get through this.
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