Zeppelin92

Songs : Porcelain- Moby

Hey guys, its been a little bit. Usually I only come on when an incident JUST happens, and I am frustrated, angry and lonely from his usage or drinking. But on this particular day, that is not the case! (Yet, he has been gone working for the last 10 days)...But I came on today, just because I had a feeling I needed to hear, listen and talk to you guys. There's a few that I sit there and ball my eyes out for you, myself, your family, or whomever it may be affecting at this little blip in life, and then there other story's that I can get a little chuckle! People can find humor in crazy ways, sometimes can be healing...
There has been a few things thats been going on that has really been bothering me though, there are three things that Ive been...Oddly weirded, out, glad? mad? I really dont know how I feel, not to sound- I dont know, but I feel numb to it at this point, I know when he relapses, or tries to hide drinking and lies about it, I cry and im heart broken...But right now, I just feel like 'Eh' what are ya gonna do?
So the first thing that has really started my rock bottom when it comes to our relationship is not the fact that he relapsed and blamed it on a small argument we had prior but I woke up one morning and he stunk of booze, it must have been around 7am? I asked him, he denied it, so I took out the breathalyzer (Yes, I keep one near the door, I am only 23 years old, have no children- but I feel like I am always-always baby sitting... So anyway, he blew a high number, and later during the arguments I noticed he had been drinking bottles of Rubbing alcohol and mouth wash....I have never seen this before, I had to google it to see it I had to go to ER, which he refused anyway..That night I left and slept at a friends, come back the next day to get some things done, and the house is trashed, and the upstairs neighbor is texting him saying "Hey you can come over anymore if your gonna drink all my solvents"....(I checked his phone because it was on the porch ground while he was in the bedroom, and part of me wanted to see if he was contacting his "friends"-dealers...) I ask him about it, its a lie, lie, lie. So there I go pick up the house, the broken glasses, somehow mouthwash on the ceiling and cook dinner....This leads me to my second point, I finally realized about one day ago after watching the show 'Intervention', that I am a co-dependent.... Ive heard it on this site before, but I said well its not me- because I dont buy him drugs, or give him money, or I dont know what I was thinking....denial I guess. But now that I know I am a codependent that scares me. And at 23 and him near 29, I feel like I would never be in this position...I want a healthy relationship, no playing mom anymore...But I know with everything I love him with my whole heart, I care so much, I care so much, I would do anything to help him, he lost his license to second dwi, I drive him to a counselor, subox. clinic (when I make him call), anywhere, to get ciggarettes, what ever he needs . But I dont think it can work anymore. Ive been writing letters to him lately in my journal, im not a wordsmith as you can tell, and im not going to give them to him...But I think its been helping me....
Ive said it hundreds of times before in our 2 1/2 year relationship, I know its not that long compared to others, but my heart is broken. Its been broken for a while; but I think its time. But a part of me is also worried that if I do leave, he could overdose and die the next day, its not my fault, but it would kill me.




Another quick advice I need from you guys is, I have a best friend that has been a opiate user, with needles. I remember the first time she told me she tried, I told her to quite the **** before it sucks her in...It did, so anyway, I haven't seen her in about 6 month's? I moved out of state, and saw her in my hometown the other day.....and I was/ AM terrified, her track marks are on track marks I feel. Just seeing her like this is terrifying, she has a 2 year old son? (sooo handsome) but I dont know what to say, I dont see her enough to try and keep her away from those friends or I dont even know what to do. I think she may go to na every once in a while? but I think its more only for other reasons. What do I do? too many people are dieing from this around me.

Thank you. (Im sorry it got so long, I wasn't even meaning to write-write tonight, guess it just happens)
Good Night.

Ann

He may overdose whether you stay with him or not. He may drink anyway and live a life of intolerable chaos. Or he may hit bottom and find his way back...but that could be tomorrow or years from now if he survives. The only difference whether you are there or not is if and how it will affect you. Nothing we say or don't say, nothing we do or don't do will change whether they drink or use, only they can decide to do that. If love could save an addict, not one of us would be here.

Drinking solvents will destroy his liver and his mind even more quickly than conventional alcohol. I pray he does find a better way. I have seen first hand where this can lead and it's a very sad place.

You are 23 and do not have children to care for just yet. You need to think about if this is the man you want as a husband and father to your children...exactly as he is?

I realize this all sounds harsh and I don't mean to be. The thing is, the truth IS harsh and although it hurts now to think about leaving, saving yourself will eventually bring you to healing and a better life.

My heart and prayers go out for you, this is an unhappy place to be. We all stand with you no matter what you choose, but I hope you will find a better path for yourself soon.

Hugs

Zeppelin92

Hello Ann,
And thats something my parents, and even his parents have said before...I can not stop him from using just because im here, someone had even said he could overdose in our home... (Something, I do not believe hes ever gotten high here at the house..but who knows..) and I understand that, but it just sucks- as I am sure many people know, Its just something I never pictured myself having to think id be dealing with, my family is constantly telling me to leave him- his family constantly thanking me for "being the only reason he is still alive", I know it would NOT be my fault if he overdosed, but I still feel like id still be in deep deep pain/ almost fault.

No children yet, and honestly I am starting to want to start a family. BUT we have discussed it, and he knows that I would not even say yes if he proposed untill he is sober and clean for life...I held a baby at work today- and I was like damn.... But I know what your saying, thank god I am not tied down. And he says if I was to get pregnant hed clean up his life...Which I WANT to believe so bad, but I dont think it would happen. I would just become a single mom

No it does not sound harsh at all. I know that you, and anyone else here on this site knows exactly what each other is going through....Just in different ways, and I really didnt mean to start bitching, I meant to come on and just write a paragraph, but it just kept coming...I really appreciate your words of comfort during this time....My candles burning low
Hugs back to you, it means a lot to me..I dont know what people did before this website, or alanon...I am so thankful there is a site like this.
Thank you so much.

Ann

That's why we are all here, to share our light until you can find yours again.

You are wise to wait to have family, finding your own peace first will make the time you do have a baby all the more joyful.

Good luck, stick around and know we are all walking with you.

Hawkeye13

A child needs a peaceful, stable, and safe environment.
They are also pretty expensive.

It doesn't sound like he can contribute to any of the above--
starting a family with someone in active addiction who is at the
"solvent drinking" stage does not sounds like a good plan.

What about finding a person who can truly be a contributing partner and parent
to share your life with?
You and your future child / children deserve this, don't you think?