Help! caught in trying to save AS & endangering myself!
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 275
Vaya, I hope you are ok today 
My soon to be ex husband's mother went through this, a lot of this for over 10 years. My ex is 37 and he has been manipulating his mother all his life. His DOC is heroin, but xanax, he looooves it too. His favorite combo is heroin + crack or heroin + benzo. When he is on xanax, he steals, and goes to jail often for it. Jail is not a bad place for him, although I do understand your concern about sexual charges. However, imagine if he would have exposed himself to a child? When they are on xanax, they can do ANYTHING, their brain doesn't function. My ex became super violent on it, yelling, jumping out of the car too, hitting me on several occasions.
Although I understand your urge as a mother to help, you are not actually helping. My ex's mom took my ex to score heroin several time (because he also told her he will get killed), he told me this story and it was actually funny to him, or she took him to buy suboxone, which he did along with dope (while she sat and waiting in a car), that was funny to him too, he robbed her pretty much and sucked her dry and she is still at it, helping him with everything. She is mentally ill at this point, I am convinced
Let your son face whatever consequences are waiting for him. It doesn't matter if he was on drugs or not, whatever he did he has to be held accountable for. You are in my prayers today
My soon to be ex husband's mother went through this, a lot of this for over 10 years. My ex is 37 and he has been manipulating his mother all his life. His DOC is heroin, but xanax, he looooves it too. His favorite combo is heroin + crack or heroin + benzo. When he is on xanax, he steals, and goes to jail often for it. Jail is not a bad place for him, although I do understand your concern about sexual charges. However, imagine if he would have exposed himself to a child? When they are on xanax, they can do ANYTHING, their brain doesn't function. My ex became super violent on it, yelling, jumping out of the car too, hitting me on several occasions. Although I understand your urge as a mother to help, you are not actually helping. My ex's mom took my ex to score heroin several time (because he also told her he will get killed), he told me this story and it was actually funny to him, or she took him to buy suboxone, which he did along with dope (while she sat and waiting in a car), that was funny to him too, he robbed her pretty much and sucked her dry and she is still at it, helping him with everything. She is mentally ill at this point, I am convinced
Let your son face whatever consequences are waiting for him. It doesn't matter if he was on drugs or not, whatever he did he has to be held accountable for. You are in my prayers today
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 341
Thank you. Dreamcatcher, your words did hit home. My AS went to jail and then was referred to the psych er, where he stayed 2 days. As a result of more insanity over the weekend he almost got evicted. His housing advocate got involved when contacted and is a better influence on my son than me. In order to not lose his place AS had to agree to pursue mental health services and stick to regular treatment, as well as enroll in classes to help him at an outpatient place .He has other things to do as well. he's decided to give up methadone since he already detoxed for 3 days and is through the worst. anyway....he's staying with his girlfriend for a week until he gets back into his apt and agrees to terms.
I have begun taking a harder tact and not becoming as involved. In some ways I'm glad he gave up methadone so I don't have to go through taking him most mornings and we won't have the drama and I won't be as directly involved. He blames a lot of problems on methadone and me...now won't have that excuse.
I'm relieved there's a chance he can work things out and not get evicted. he wanted me to fix it, but I would not. He had to take the steps to seek the help and work with his advocate or else I am out of the picture.
He even said I'm different now and he can't believe it. aCcuses me of being mean, etc. I told him he needs to talk like an adult and I wouldn't talk to him or help him if he's having fits and tantrums.
Much to still play out. not sure he's done using, but it's his choice if he wants to risk everything , freedom, apt., etc by his choices and actions and knows I will not hold his hand nor bail him out of every situation.
I am learning to let go and let God. After giving him a ride i was tempted to call him and remind him how important it is to keep it together and not let the drugs dominate if he want to keep his apt and girlfriend, etc.....but didn't. Fact is, I don't even want to talk to him that much because he'll probably ask me for something.
I have had enough. I'm far from perfect yet, but learning. I'm letting him know that I'm there when he is making healthy, sane choices, but will not pick up the pieces for him when he lets it fall apart. He also had to wake up to the reality that coming home was not an option, no matter how much he hated hearing that. A few days, maybe, but then he would have to find other options like shelter, rehab, sober living etc....I'm learning to react less. It's hard, because I've been behaving like this a long time and have been stuck on believing I could change him. When he threatened suicide this morning and other things, I said that's a choice you can make or you can face things and rebuild. Up to him.
I appreciate many of the things said here. I need and want my life back. The thought of a good night's sleep not worrying about him for 1 day at a time is bliss. I pray he comprehends the amount of damage he's done in a short time due to drugs and poor choices and snaps out of it. Even if he has to go to mental health appointments periodically, whether sincere or just to keep his apt, maybe he'll face things. I am more comfortable not being around him as much because then I can learn to detach and not feel compelled to advise or help. Pray for both of us. Thanks.
I have begun taking a harder tact and not becoming as involved. In some ways I'm glad he gave up methadone so I don't have to go through taking him most mornings and we won't have the drama and I won't be as directly involved. He blames a lot of problems on methadone and me...now won't have that excuse.
I'm relieved there's a chance he can work things out and not get evicted. he wanted me to fix it, but I would not. He had to take the steps to seek the help and work with his advocate or else I am out of the picture.
He even said I'm different now and he can't believe it. aCcuses me of being mean, etc. I told him he needs to talk like an adult and I wouldn't talk to him or help him if he's having fits and tantrums.
Much to still play out. not sure he's done using, but it's his choice if he wants to risk everything , freedom, apt., etc by his choices and actions and knows I will not hold his hand nor bail him out of every situation.
I am learning to let go and let God. After giving him a ride i was tempted to call him and remind him how important it is to keep it together and not let the drugs dominate if he want to keep his apt and girlfriend, etc.....but didn't. Fact is, I don't even want to talk to him that much because he'll probably ask me for something.
I have had enough. I'm far from perfect yet, but learning. I'm letting him know that I'm there when he is making healthy, sane choices, but will not pick up the pieces for him when he lets it fall apart. He also had to wake up to the reality that coming home was not an option, no matter how much he hated hearing that. A few days, maybe, but then he would have to find other options like shelter, rehab, sober living etc....I'm learning to react less. It's hard, because I've been behaving like this a long time and have been stuck on believing I could change him. When he threatened suicide this morning and other things, I said that's a choice you can make or you can face things and rebuild. Up to him.
I appreciate many of the things said here. I need and want my life back. The thought of a good night's sleep not worrying about him for 1 day at a time is bliss. I pray he comprehends the amount of damage he's done in a short time due to drugs and poor choices and snaps out of it. Even if he has to go to mental health appointments periodically, whether sincere or just to keep his apt, maybe he'll face things. I am more comfortable not being around him as much because then I can learn to detach and not feel compelled to advise or help. Pray for both of us. Thanks.
!!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 341
Finding I have to retrain my thinking and try not to obsess on AS. A bit concerned since he is quitting methadone cold turkey, since he had to kick it for a few days in jail and hospital and he is just on the verge of (hopefully) getting it together or at least realizing he needs to. I made contact 1 time tonight, just as a check in, although I fought the urge to do so. He is just out of the hospital and a major trauma, so I was a bit concerned. Now I realize how silly that was and just bad habits. I had no idea how attached and involved I had become . Glad he's doing better than I am today!
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Vaya, bravo! You obviously know in your heart what you need to do, and are taking the steps to do it. Good for you! It's hard. It will continue to be hard b/c our brain does not separate love from our rational selves. It's ok to love from afar, and to keep yourself well. Sort of like the air mask on the airplane.
You are obviously in a delicate place, I hope you know we are here for you. We support you, and just want you to be able to attain peace and calm in your life. One day at a time friend.
Many, many hugs to you!
You are obviously in a delicate place, I hope you know we are here for you. We support you, and just want you to be able to attain peace and calm in your life. One day at a time friend.
Many, many hugs to you!
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Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 56
[/QUOTE]Every time u say no to him u are saying u love him. I am so sorry for all u are going through but if u truly want something to change u have to be the one to do it. By changing YOU.[/QUOTE]
Thank you for this. I am learning this now and that couldn't have been said better.
Thank you for this. I am learning this now and that couldn't have been said better.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,977
Vaya, I hope today went well.
It is so hard for addicts to leave their drugs. And then there is what we do when we detach from our addicted loved ones. I don't know which is harder.
Courage and strength to you as you learn to fight for your child in an entirely different way; take care of yourself, pray hard and let him fail.
It is so hard for addicts to leave their drugs. And then there is what we do when we detach from our addicted loved ones. I don't know which is harder.
Courage and strength to you as you learn to fight for your child in an entirely different way; take care of yourself, pray hard and let him fail.
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