Moving on too soon...

Old 05-19-2016, 07:59 PM
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Moving on too soon...

One of the men I dated before my XABF contacted me last night. We've been friends for awhile but he started flirting and bringing up intimate times we had together previously and asked me out. The moment he did I got so sad i couldnt breath. Here i am getting asked out by a great guy but in my heart i dont want anyone else but my XABF. I missed him so bad i started crying and couldnt stop. Earlier that day i found out one of the dogs got cancer and was going to die. And i felt the world closing in on me and broke down and wrote my XABF a message. I woke up this morning to a message back. He said hes been clean 5 days and asked to stop by his job. So i did today....and there he was clean shaven. Eyes clear. Sober. It was like he had an excorcism and was back. It was him. I haven't seem him like this in 8 months. And all I wanted was to cry and hug him but at the same time all he had done came washing over me and i wouldnt allow myself to react. All i could think about was "this is temporary. Dont be stupid. This is temporary. He is an addict. He is dangerous." But he started talking... it wasnt the manipulator talking. It was HIM. So i just let him talk for a few minutes. I soaked him in...every little detail i let wash over me. This was what i had been fighting for. This. Him. Sober. And just when i gave up...there he is! I said I'm happy for him and i hope he keeps it up. He said i havent seen anything yet and hes only getting started. He asked me to go to a meeting with him. I declined and refused to give him my number. I went home and now i feel more lost then ever.

Yes i realize 5 days is nothing. Yes i realize his sobriety doesnt change his actions towards me now he is sober. Yes i realize i was stupid for seeing him. But what i am mostly torn up about is this horrible disease!! This horrible soul destroying disease. One minute a psychopath stealing and harming u. The next minute endearing warmhearted man u fell in love with. I hate this insidious disease. I hate what it does to people. I hate the fact that i know who i saw today is not who he is!!! Its only a part of him. And he is both sides of the coin. I felt happy and at the same time angry. Angry at myself for messing with my own head by seeing him. And more messed up bc he is sober. Wasnt expecting that. He was all dressed up in his work clothes. He looked so healthy and beautiful i felt like i was punched in the gut. He asked me to not live in the past and to live in the present. That all he did was symptoms of his disease. And all he wants is me. He will do whatever it takes and he will not stop fighting for me. And now i see where people get sucked in. I know better. I know better. God help me. I know better! I want to scream. I told him if he was a year clean and i was still single id consider giving him another chance. But i need time and he obviously doesnt want that but respects whatever decision I come to. He said we can both work our recovery at the same time. Anyway I feel so unsure of myself. I decided to come on here because I feel like i cant move forward with someone new and I cant go back with my XABF. I just need to be on my own for awhile. Which is fine but all this time i thought he was still in active addiction. Made it easier walking away..but now hes not and being honest I dont want to be with anyone else. But i will rather die then take him back. Which brings me back to my point. Love sucks. Addiction sucks. Codependancy sucks. K...rant done.
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Old 05-19-2016, 09:52 PM
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Wow Dreamcatcher, that was a powerful piece of writing. It has at least me saying, "Amen, amen, amen."

Through all the pain you expressed comes the wisdom of what you have learned. I so hope this man is able to really make a recovery but to those of us who have seen addiction such hope is almost too painful to bear.

Big hug and please be extra kind to yourself!
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Old 05-19-2016, 10:18 PM
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Gosh dang, dreamcatcher, I can so imagine how that felt! And the sight of him lookin' so good...well, honey, it's no wonder you're having a hard time gettin' over him....very understandable. I don't have any great words of wisdom and I sure ain't gonna scold you for seeing him again. What's done is done and we live, we learn, we go on...we have to press on...

I think you are on the right track of being relationship free for a good year and by then, who knows how you'll feel about things. Going out with others during this crucial year might not be fair to them or to yourself. And, of course, you don't need me to tell ya that the relationship between you and yourself comes first and foremost: you are number ONE, darlin'. Numero Uno. Put yourself first; make YOU the priority and when you get super healthy with yourself, who knows what your future will hold.

Big Hugs.
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Old 05-20-2016, 09:31 AM
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An addiction to a person is just like any other addiction, and you are addicted to him. Just like any addiction, you have to completely let it go and move on from it to heal yourself.

You are right. It's too soon. Learn to be just you, good with yourself, in a happy place. That way, when the time is right, you will draw just the right person to you, and be prepared mentally and physically for that. It's ok not to be ready first.

There is something to be said for being happy just being you. People are so scared to be alone that they move from one person to the next. It should be a part of your own recovery to be happy just being Dreamcatcher!

Hugs.
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Old 05-20-2016, 10:18 AM
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Originally Posted by hopeful4 View Post
An addiction to a person is just like any other addiction, and you are addicted to him. Just like any addiction, you have to completely let it go and move on from it to heal yourself.
This, this, this, ALL of this. The only way to move forward is to go NC and stick with it. "One day at a time." Hugs.
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Old 05-20-2016, 10:30 AM
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And i felt the world closing in on me and broke down and wrote my XABF a message.
He is 5 days sober and didn't think to message you at all, see how you were doing, to say he was sorry YET you were in a broken down state and decided it was a good idea to message the person who hurt you the most emotionally and physically.......hummmm

But he started talking... it wasnt the manipulator talking.
oh wait...........yes, here he is.........the manipulator.

He asked me to not live in the past and to live in the present. That all he did was symptoms of his disease.
You are hanging onto his words, those positive words you've longed to hear and in that process overlooked the reality of it.

He didn't contact you - you contacted him.

He doesn't want to acknowledge or take responsibility for his actions - he just wants you to forget about it.

So lets get back to......YOU and YOUR plan moving forward to abstain from your drug of choice (him). You won't give him your new phone # so then how did you contact him???? soooooo where you hiding your stash!! lol

One step forward 2 steps back........it's ok........just keep moving towards what's in front of you and try and stop looking backwards.
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Old 05-20-2016, 12:42 PM
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Thank u to everyone for taking the time to respond. I used my fb account. I didnt deactivate it and he had been sending me messages this whole time. Initially i felt strong not responding but the other night is another story. So thats where my stash is Atalose. Hahaha. I cracked up reading ur response bc up until now i really didnt think i was "addicted" to him. Side note: he offered to give me money out of every paycheck to make up for all the money he has taken. But yes i agree one step forward two steps back. Hopeful4. U are right. Im addicted to him and like any addict i found any excuse to take my DOC (him). Where it leaves me today is feeling very disappointed in myself. I felt so strong and one trigger and i caved. Where is my resolve to stand by myself ? To be my own best friend? I didnt want to hide what i did...i had to confess bc i dont want to live this way anymore. I knew i messed up but to hide it will only have me suffering the consequences of my codependant behavior. And i came on here to get better. Im not the kind of girl who needs to be in a relationship in order to be happy. I love being on my own and navigating all of this has been an eye opener on just how far off my game this relationship has taken me.
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Old 05-20-2016, 01:06 PM
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Please don't beat yourself up. We have all been there, each of us. Emotions are hard to deal with, and it truly is one step forward and one step back at times.

Hop back on the wagon and move forward.

Hugs.
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Old 05-20-2016, 05:48 PM
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Originally Posted by Dreamcatcher44 View Post
One of the men I dated before my XABF contacted me last night. We've been friends for awhile but he started flirting and bringing up intimate times we had together previously and asked me out. The moment he did I got so sad i couldnt breath. Here i am getting asked out by a great guy but in my heart i dont want anyone else but my XABF. I missed him so bad i started crying and couldnt stop. Earlier that day i found out one of the dogs got cancer and was going to die. And i felt the world closing in on me and broke down and wrote my XABF a message. I woke up this morning to a message back. He said hes been clean 5 days and asked to stop by his job. So i did today....and there he was clean shaven. Eyes clear. Sober. It was like he had an excorcism and was back. It was him. I haven't seem him like this in 8 months. And all I wanted was to cry and hug him but at the same time all he had done came washing over me and i wouldnt allow myself to react. All i could think about was "this is temporary. Dont be stupid. This is temporary. He is an addict. He is dangerous." But he started talking... it wasnt the manipulator talking. It was HIM. So i just let him talk for a few minutes. I soaked him in...every little detail i let wash over me. This was what i had been fighting for. This. Him. Sober. And just when i gave up...there he is! I said I'm happy for him and i hope he keeps it up. He said i havent seen anything yet and hes only getting started. He asked me to go to a meeting with him. I declined and refused to give him my number. I went home and now i feel more lost then ever.

Yes i realize 5 days is nothing. Yes i realize his sobriety doesnt change his actions towards me now he is sober. Yes i realize i was stupid for seeing him. But what i am mostly torn up about is this horrible disease!! This horrible soul destroying disease. One minute a psychopath stealing and harming u. The next minute endearing warmhearted man u fell in love with. I hate this insidious disease. I hate what it does to people. I hate the fact that i know who i saw today is not who he is!!! Its only a part of him. And he is both sides of the coin. I felt happy and at the same time angry. Angry at myself for messing with my own head by seeing him. And more messed up bc he is sober. Wasnt expecting that. He was all dressed up in his work clothes. He looked so healthy and beautiful i felt like i was punched in the gut. He asked me to not live in the past and to live in the present. That all he did was symptoms of his disease. And all he wants is me. He will do whatever it takes and he will not stop fighting for me. And now i see where people get sucked in. I know better. I know better. God help me. I know better! I want to scream. I told him if he was a year clean and i was still single id consider giving him another chance. But i need time and he obviously doesnt want that but respects whatever decision I come to. He said we can both work our recovery at the same time. Anyway I feel so unsure of myself. I decided to come on here because I feel like i cant move forward with someone new and I cant go back with my XABF. I just need to be on my own for awhile. Which is fine but all this time i thought he was still in active addiction. Made it easier walking away..but now hes not and being honest I dont want to be with anyone else. But i will rather die then take him back. Which brings me back to my point. Love sucks. Addiction sucks. Codependancy sucks. K...rant done.
5 days they are not even done detoxing (6 years with heroin addict, currently in the process of divorce). Anything that comes out of his mouth right now, there is a term for it - "pipe dreams". My soon to be ex husband, that's his favorite thing to say - "I will NEVER stop loving you, I will ALWAYS keep fighting for you, until I get you back". Blah, blah, blah, blah. He told his mom and our mutual friends that he is going to be sending me $, and prove himself, and blah, blah, blah. I got a notification from my insurance yesterday that he is in yet another detox, which means another relapse.

It's hard, because you want to believe them, but you know better. Delete his number, so you don't go through it again. The only way to get clarity and distance is no contact. I wouldn't even consider talking to him through text until he has over a year.

P.S. I can tell you so many stories when I have been in this situation. Ex would be getting off the plane, coming back from Florida rehab. The light is shining in his eyes, all upbeat, baby, I love you, we are going to be together forever, I love the girls, and the dogs, and the world, and our family, can't wait to continue this wonderful feeling of sobriety (he supposedly had over 30 days clean coming back from rehab). Oh, let me see your card so that I can go get a steak so that we can grill. Stupid me - sure, honey. Gone for whole day, come back high. ETC. I have a lot of these.....
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Old 05-21-2016, 08:15 AM
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Glitterdiva ur 6 years has made u wise to the game. Reading ur experience of ur soon to be X AH coming home from Florida and all the same lines being used was both reassuring and sad at the same time. As u said we want to believe but we know better. I can only imagine how hard that must have been having children with all the chaos that addiction brings with it. Im proud of u for doing whats best for u and ur girls (and dog) Ironically I live in Florida.. smack in the center where all the treatment centers are. Its a hotbed of drugs down here and people leaving detox only have to walk 10 feet to find their next hit. Not a good enviroment for sobriety at all. They have to really really want it bc its literally everywhere u turn. (Since dating my addict ive unfortunaly learned crash course in scoring drugs. For us non addicts u just never pay attention to such things before but once u do u notice it everywhere)

My XABF has a sponser and is carrying around his blue book. He def has the best intentions but as u said 6 days (today) hes not even done withdrawing yet. Ive been on this merry go round. In and out of countless rehab this past year only to have him using the moment hes out. The only difference in all this time he never went to meetings everyday and actually started working a program. (Mind u 6 days) Do i want to believe it..of course. But realistically speaking its unlikely.

Hes done 2-3 year stints sober followed by relapse. So hes capable. They all are really. Long term sobriety is the real issue. I was reading statistics and it said if less then one year 75% chance of relapse. If over a year 50%. Its when u get to five years clean it drops to 15%. These odds are brutal. But back to the point at hand seeing him clean is like a miracle. Id liken to someone with dementia suddenly remembering who they are. He is here right now but his disease has a 75% chance of sucking him back because thats what it does. And as pathetic as this sounds being around him for this short time of him being clean...seeing him ..hearing him..it fills my heart with so much joy. And ur right its all probably just a pipe dream. And while realistically i know he is going to be gone soon (or who knows...maybe clean for a bit of time) it makes me want to absorb as much of him as i can before hes gone. Now where this is bad for me is obvious. My life in standstill waiting for the ensuing relapse. Thats no way to live and as u said when u go through it enough u know u need to cut off all ties for ur own sanity. I think a year of no communication is best but these past couple days its been bitter sweet seeing him clean. Thanks for ur feedback. I really appreciate it.
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Old 05-21-2016, 10:44 AM
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Originally Posted by Dreamcatcher44 View Post
Glitterdiva ur 6 years has made u wise to the game. Reading ur experience of ur soon to be X AH coming home from Florida and all the same lines being used was both reassuring and sad at the same time. As u said we want to believe but we know better. I can only imagine how hard that must have been having children with all the chaos that addiction brings with it. Im proud of u for doing whats best for u and ur girls (and dog) Ironically I live in Florida.. smack in the center where all the treatment centers are. Its a hotbed of drugs down here and people leaving detox only have to walk 10 feet to find their next hit. Not a good enviroment for sobriety at all. They have to really really want it bc its literally everywhere u turn. (Since dating my addict ive unfortunaly learned crash course in scoring drugs. For us non addicts u just never pay attention to such things before but once u do u notice it everywhere)

My XABF has a sponser and is carrying around his blue book. He def has the best intentions but as u said 6 days (today) hes not even done withdrawing yet. Ive been on this merry go round. In and out of countless rehab this past year only to have him using the moment hes out. The only difference in all this time he never went to meetings everyday and actually started working a program. (Mind u 6 days) Do i want to believe it..of course. But realistically speaking its unlikely.

Hes done 2-3 year stints sober followed by relapse. So hes capable. They all are really. Long term sobriety is the real issue. I was reading statistics and it said if less then one year 75% chance of relapse. If over a year 50%. Its when u get to five years clean it drops to 15%. These odds are brutal. But back to the point at hand seeing him clean is like a miracle. Id liken to someone with dementia suddenly remembering who they are. He is here right now but his disease has a 75% chance of sucking him back because thats what it does. And as pathetic as this sounds being around him for this short time of him being clean...seeing him ..hearing him..it fills my heart with so much joy. And ur right its all probably just a pipe dream. And while realistically i know he is going to be gone soon (or who knows...maybe clean for a bit of time) it makes me want to absorb as much of him as i can before hes gone. Now where this is bad for me is obvious. My life in standstill waiting for the ensuing relapse. Thats no way to live and as u said when u go through it enough u know u need to cut off all ties for ur own sanity. I think a year of no communication is best but these past couple days its been bitter sweet seeing him clean. Thanks for ur feedback. I really appreciate it.
Guess what? This happened to me YESTERDAY!!!! Well, almost did, and I thought I had it together I got a bill from the car that was repoed (car that we got on my name, loan on my name, car that he drove and left me to pay for). So the bill is for 7.3k, and I have to pay it. I have PMS and get super irretable, decide to skip the gym and have myself some red wine. Bad idea. I get super mad, unblock his number and proceed to send nasty messages about the car, the life, etc. Of course, I get the response back and it's OH THE MIRACLE. He has 45 days sober, he sends me a screenshot of his batch - he is an "intern tech" in some rehab, he is going to become a drug therapist and help addicts, and blah, blah, blah, and pay me back, and theeeeeeen he says - let me come in 4 months!!!!!!!! And i am gonna make 55k and I am gonna be a therapist in VA (I live in VA) and I am gonna do this and that. STOP.

Re-block and just stop. We want to believe them, but after a while, it doesn't work anymore. I don't know about your partner, but mine did so many bad things, that it is irrelevant to me what he does in the future. 5 days, 45 days, its such a short amount of time. How about 5 years, a job, on his feet, show with actions and not words? All I did is hurt myself by initiating this chit storm. I am hurting today

So, you see this is part of being co-dependant and it happens to all of us here I hope and pray that your partner is serious about recovery, but I think they have got to have that space, where you or me, where we don't enable and don't help and don't worry. I think true love is about letting go. True love is loving yourself first. I don't know about you, but i feel like I did heroin yesterday and withdrawing today Stay strong
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Old 05-21-2016, 11:24 AM
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Originally Posted by Dreamcatcher44 View Post

But i need time and he obviously doesnt want that but respects whatever decision I come to.
It's sad but, best to take your time (much time) and not hold your breath.

These matters seem to hurt so much and go on forever.
Yet, a year or two down the road all will look much different.

MB
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Old 05-21-2016, 07:00 PM
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Sigh. Codependent relapse . Making contact. Hoping for recovery. Hoping for justice.

After a relapse the alcoholics say figure out what the trigger was and come up with a plan if you are triggered again in that way. Hmmm . . . I'm not sure I'm one to talk about having a plan once triggered.

Hugs to you both and hope you detox fast from the contact! ;-)
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Old 05-22-2016, 07:54 AM
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Glitterdiva...i feel u on that seriously. Here you are stuck paying HIS car bill feeling taken advantage of and resentful and a couple glasses of red wine later...the anger festers and you want to take it out on him! (And rightfully so might I add.) But afterwards we come up empty handed...bc there's no satisfaction to be had!

I'm starting to realize that no contact is really for us and our own sanity. Because their chaotic lives they live with their DOC gives them an "outlet" to be complete selfish and egocentric manipulators. Do we really think our addicts stay up late thinking of all the hell that befell on us due to their f ups?! Nope! Like u said we need to just stop. Stop and stop. 45 days for urs and 7 for mine...but how about us? Ive never used drugs so lets see Im 30 ×365 = 10,950 Days clean?! Wheres my AA chip for that?! LMAO. Point is.. what do u want a cookie for not injecting crack and heroin today? Him sending u his badge from his job?! Do we get a pat on the back for working consistently for years? Its just so childish. I feel like addicts are like blown up children. We pay for them. They want rewards for doing the right thing?!! "Look mommy no hands!" Grrrr its so angering! So i understand exactly what u mean.

As u said uve been down this road. Only years of sobriety will prove anything to us and by then we realize that they are not what we want. Our emotions cloud us. Addiction creates selfish partners. Sobriety only encourages selfish behavior to focus solely on them etc. Anyway...u are in my thoughts today. We can do this!! We are the ones who are strong. We are the ones who know in our hearts that we deserve a hell of a lot better then this! So as u said...lets reboot the computer system. Detox our addicts from our psyche and thank god that it was only a slip up. Aint no thang but a chicken wing!! Hahaha. HUGS. XOXO.
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Old 05-24-2016, 06:16 AM
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Originally Posted by Dreamcatcher44 View Post
Glitterdiva...i feel u on that seriously. Here you are stuck paying HIS car bill feeling taken advantage of and resentful and a couple glasses of red wine later...the anger festers and you want to take it out on him! (And rightfully so might I add.) But afterwards we come up empty handed...bc there's no satisfaction to be had!

I'm starting to realize that no contact is really for us and our own sanity. Because their chaotic lives they live with their DOC gives them an "outlet" to be complete selfish and egocentric manipulators. Do we really think our addicts stay up late thinking of all the hell that befell on us due to their f ups?! Nope! Like u said we need to just stop. Stop and stop. 45 days for urs and 7 for mine...but how about us? Ive never used drugs so lets see Im 30 ×365 = 10,950 Days clean?! Wheres my AA chip for that?! LMAO. Point is.. what do u want a cookie for not injecting crack and heroin today? Him sending u his badge from his job?! Do we get a pat on the back for working consistently for years? Its just so childish. I feel like addicts are like blown up children. We pay for them. They want rewards for doing the right thing?!! "Look mommy no hands!" Grrrr its so angering! So i understand exactly what u mean.

As u said uve been down this road. Only years of sobriety will prove anything to us and by then we realize that they are not what we want. Our emotions cloud us. Addiction creates selfish partners. Sobriety only encourages selfish behavior to focus solely on them etc. Anyway...u are in my thoughts today. We can do this!! We are the ones who are strong. We are the ones who know in our hearts that we deserve a hell of a lot better then this! So as u said...lets reboot the computer system. Detox our addicts from our psyche and thank god that it was only a slip up. Aint no thang but a chicken wing!! Hahaha. HUGS. XOXO.
Exactly! Mommy, no hands Yep. I am feeling better today, with several days NC, hopefully you feel better too. What is also helping me in these past couple of days is reading varies articles about how to get over someone who has cheated. Mine did, but I mean their DOC is their affair in a way, you know? They chose it over their partner. And, it is helping, to sort of calm down and realize that this healing process is normal. It is ok to feel anger and depression and have an urge to reach out and say something, it is ok to get one's hopes up and it is ok to feel this in waves. I was walking the dogs yesterday, cursing up a storm, like a crazy person, I had my phone with me and then a friend of mine posted this passage from AA literature on FB about acceptance, which said: "And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation - some fact of my life - unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and my attitudes". Wow, I thought, this is exactly what is going on with me. I am going through these stages of grief, depression and anger, but what I really need to do is to accept this situation. Heroin addict is a heroin addict. They lie, steal, cheat, use, betray and do it all on repeat all day long until they find recovery.

I am working on my acceptance, NC is something for me, to keep ME safe and sane I hope you feel better too
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