Husband passed away
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 12
Husband passed away
Hello everyone -
I haven't posted in a long time, but I visited this site frequently to read over the years.
My husband struggled with heroin for several years. I stayed with him through many relapses and a lot of mistreatment until I finally realized that my life was becoming unmanageable and my mental health was suffering. I ended up leaving him, but we remained legally married and in contact for about two years after I left. He ended up living with his mother - our house had gone into foreclosure. He died on May 5th, 2016. He had been in jail for about a month and was out for a few weeks. (His last year in this world involved being in and out of jail) I don't know if he was using as soon as he got out or was trying to stay clean, but he used on May 5th and he died. His mother found him. I texted with him earlier that day and asked how he was doing. He said he was sleepy and would call later. I have spent the past week making arrangements, contacting his friends, and trying to process all of this. He was 35 years old. He became a totally different person than the one I married, but I cared about him deeply. It has been difficult to deal with his mother because she, even after his death, was in serious denial about how bad things were with him. All of this saddens and overwhelms me.
I lost my mother unexpectedly in January as well. My husband was actually very supportive during that time despite his obsession with getting high. I can't remember if I ever thanked him for that kindness.
He was a lot of amazing things before he let himself go to heroin. I am trying to remember the best times with him without forgetting or denying the most awful times. This is not what I wanted for him.
I haven't posted in a long time, but I visited this site frequently to read over the years.
My husband struggled with heroin for several years. I stayed with him through many relapses and a lot of mistreatment until I finally realized that my life was becoming unmanageable and my mental health was suffering. I ended up leaving him, but we remained legally married and in contact for about two years after I left. He ended up living with his mother - our house had gone into foreclosure. He died on May 5th, 2016. He had been in jail for about a month and was out for a few weeks. (His last year in this world involved being in and out of jail) I don't know if he was using as soon as he got out or was trying to stay clean, but he used on May 5th and he died. His mother found him. I texted with him earlier that day and asked how he was doing. He said he was sleepy and would call later. I have spent the past week making arrangements, contacting his friends, and trying to process all of this. He was 35 years old. He became a totally different person than the one I married, but I cared about him deeply. It has been difficult to deal with his mother because she, even after his death, was in serious denial about how bad things were with him. All of this saddens and overwhelms me.
I lost my mother unexpectedly in January as well. My husband was actually very supportive during that time despite his obsession with getting high. I can't remember if I ever thanked him for that kindness.
He was a lot of amazing things before he let himself go to heroin. I am trying to remember the best times with him without forgetting or denying the most awful times. This is not what I wanted for him.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 590
I am so sorry and can relate. I lost my 35 year old son on April 26. It was an overdose when we thought he had been doing so well. He left his 10 and 15 year old children. He was a wonderful person and father but he wasn't well. That is how I think of it.
These are two poems that I read at his memorial service. (unknown authors) Maybe they will help you. My deepest sympathy.
When I’m Gone
When I come to the end of my journey
And I travel my last weary mile,
Just forget if you can, that I ever frowned
And remember only my smile.
Forget unkind words I have spoken;
Remember some good I have done,
Forget that I ever had a heartache
And remember I’ve had loads of fun.
Forget that I have stumbled and blundered,
And sometimes fell by the way
Remember I have fought some hard battles and won,
Before the close of the day.
Then forget to grieve for my going,
I would not want you sad for a day,
But in summer, just gather some flowers
And remember the place where I lay.
And come in the evening
When the sun paints the sky in the west.
Stand for a few moments beside me,
And remember only my best.
Remembrance
You can shed tears that he is gone, or you can smile because he has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that he'll come back, or you can open your eyes and see all he has left.
Your heart can be empty because you can't see him, or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember him and only that he's gone, or you can cherish his memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back, or you can do what he'd want, smile, open your eyes, love and go on.
Hugs, Kari
These are two poems that I read at his memorial service. (unknown authors) Maybe they will help you. My deepest sympathy.
When I’m Gone
When I come to the end of my journey
And I travel my last weary mile,
Just forget if you can, that I ever frowned
And remember only my smile.
Forget unkind words I have spoken;
Remember some good I have done,
Forget that I ever had a heartache
And remember I’ve had loads of fun.
Forget that I have stumbled and blundered,
And sometimes fell by the way
Remember I have fought some hard battles and won,
Before the close of the day.
Then forget to grieve for my going,
I would not want you sad for a day,
But in summer, just gather some flowers
And remember the place where I lay.
And come in the evening
When the sun paints the sky in the west.
Stand for a few moments beside me,
And remember only my best.
Remembrance
You can shed tears that he is gone, or you can smile because he has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that he'll come back, or you can open your eyes and see all he has left.
Your heart can be empty because you can't see him, or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember him and only that he's gone, or you can cherish his memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back, or you can do what he'd want, smile, open your eyes, love and go on.
Hugs, Kari
Member
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 58
The last few days I've heard of person after person who has recently died or is incredibly sick and close to death from alcohol or drugs. Thank you for sharing this very personal event. It brought tears to my eyes. But for the grace of god go I. My condolences through this hard time.
Friendly Folk
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Powers Lake, Wisconsin
Posts: 21,702
I am so sorry for your loss. My thoughts and prayers go out to you. The 2 poems KariSue posted are beautiful. I cried when I read them. (Very thoughtful, KariSue.)
Hope they help ease some of the sadness and help you find peace.
Hope they help ease some of the sadness and help you find peace.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 17
I'm so very sorry for the losses of your husband and your mother. It's so hard when the person you love just isn't there any more because they've been lost to the addiction and they are a shadow of who they once were. It's a terrible illness.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 2,684
nmb4421 and KariSue: I am very sorry for each of you, for the loss of your loved ones and for the pain you've endured. Wishing you peace and comfort.
KariSue: So meaningful and touching - the poems you shared.
KariSue: So meaningful and touching - the poems you shared.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,526
Dear nmb, I'm sending up prayers for you to be comforted. I'm so sorry for the sadness you're feeling. 
Kari, thank you for posting the beautiful poem. Prayers going up for you & your family.
Kari, thank you for posting the beautiful poem. Prayers going up for you & your family.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: NC
Posts: 662
I'm so sorry for your loss.
All you can do is remember the good times and know that you did what is best for YOU and that he made his choices and he unfortunately never found recovery. It can be hard to swallow and parents tend to really be in denial but just embrace all your feelings. It is okay to get angry, to be upset, to smile and laugh at good times, etc. Just be true to your feelings and know that this was not in anyone's control but his own.
All you can do is remember the good times and know that you did what is best for YOU and that he made his choices and he unfortunately never found recovery. It can be hard to swallow and parents tend to really be in denial but just embrace all your feelings. It is okay to get angry, to be upset, to smile and laugh at good times, etc. Just be true to your feelings and know that this was not in anyone's control but his own.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Nmb, I am so sorry for your losses, both your mother and your husband, my heart just hurts for you.
I always say that an addict is not a bad person, they are a good person who is very sick.
Prayers out for you and your family.
I always say that an addict is not a bad person, they are a good person who is very sick.
Prayers out for you and your family.
Guest
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 379
Originally Posted by frankster 
The last few days I've heard of person after person who has recently died or is incredibly sick and close to death from alcohol or drugs. Thank you for sharing this very personal event. It brought tears to my eyes. But for the grace of god go I. My condolences through this hard time.
Sorry to hear of your loss. Sending prayers in your direction, nmb.
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