JOIE12

I found strength in realizing that regardless of what happened, I was the one who allowed it, by going back, staying in communication and not stopping it each time. That sounds like where you are now.

That's yours. It's what we have that teaches us to stay away from the fire if we do not wish to be burned.

I'm sorry that you end up in this sad place. Love is real. Unfortunately, codependency and addiction - killed that before it began. It's like spending years on a ghost.

I remember my deceased ExABF heard me refer to him as a ghost and it somehow burned into his soul. He cried at what he had become. I hated myself for every $50 or $100 I handed over because eventually I let it sink in - that I was helping someone slowly kill themselves. Money for food or bills or fines etc. It didn't matter, it all ended up in his arm one way or another.

That's the cold truth.

I may be heartless when it comes to addictions, but I took a trip to hell and back by standing beside him. The first thing I read here was that an addict ceased to be who they were, the moment they used the first time. It took me 3 years to understand how true that was.

I wish you strength to stand firm and stick with your convictions.
Hugs to you
Joie

Dreamcatcher44

JOIE12 I just read ur posts and it hit home for me more then anything I have read on here. What struck me reading ur story is how love and addiction create such tragic circumstances. Like the last time u saw ur ex. His wanting u to know how much he loved u. Him asking to have a nice night together. A night away from his disease. I got so emotional reading that because even though someone is sick there is still love inside. The part of him that wanted to let u know how much u meant to him. Wanted to give u a memory to hold onto. He knew at some level what the future held and he wanted to leave nothing unsaid. The reality you experenced is and still remains my greatest fear and that fear is what has kept me around so long. It was my wanting to spend as much time with my ex while he is still walking on this earth. I have that sick feeling inside. The feeling that anyday now my ex will make true on his wish for death. But i know there is nothing I can do. Something that struck me is my ex said the same thing as urs. He said he was scared he was going to hell. Its what has stopped him from putting a gun to his head and instead going the route of suicide by needle.

There is something i wanted to tell u and i hope its ok i do but i feel driven to. But i am a very spiritual person. It runs in my family. I have experiences most would find hard to believe. But for a long time now there is a number 311 that follows me. It is a sign from my spirit guides. A sign of importance. It is also something i shared with my ex and has become something that has shown up at very pivotal times. And on 3/11 u posted on here about ur exs passing and when u mentioned hearing his voice telling u he made it and asked if anyone believes in that a bell went off in my head! Well i do and i have no doubt in my mind that he was there and he did tell u he was ok. The numbers reinforced my telling u this and im feeling so overwhelmed bc god meant me to find u today.
There is a book called Journey of Souls by Dr. Michael Newton that is hands down the most powerful book i own. The man who wrote it is a hynotherapist and for years he refused to do past life regression. He didnt believe in it. But one day one of his clients who was under hypnosis didnt just remember a past life. But a life in between lives. For example "im leaving my body. I just died. Oh look here is my spirit guide waiting for me. " 20 years later and thousands of stories from all over the world it goes into detail not just what happens when we die but why we r here in the first place. His second book Destiny of Souls goes into detail how souls communicate once they transition to the other side. And there is a part in the second book that i related to what u expierenced. It said that when we sleep is the best time for transitioned souls to talk to us. And ur ex speaking to u just as u woke up told me he wanted u to remember his speaking to u. It was at a time when u werent fully conscious but still able to hear without the conscious mind blocking the transmission. Anyway...im sorry if i have offended u in anyway by sharing this but im extreemly touched by ur experience and i knew that today i was meant to not only read what u went through but to be reminded that even through tragedy like u have experienced that love still shines through the darkness. And i feel like maybe by reading those books it may help u as it has helped me understand the larger purpose. And as it relates to me...that there is a very high chance my ex will succumb to his disease. And through therapy and working on myself i will get through it. U are an inspiration to come out the other side with renewed purpose and helping others like myself make sense of such a horrible disease. From the bottom of my heart I am grateful to u today and im so sorry for ur loss. Thank u JOIE12. Because of u i feel renewed and strong in my resolve.

thequest

You don't have to reem him out but you should confront him about because if he thinks you don't know or care he'll do it again. After a certain point the alkie/addict will look at certain people as a sucker. To be honest this is truer indication of character than you think, the substance just help bring it to the surface.

If nothing else let him know you're on to him, no lectures just make sure he knows.

Stay Safe!