newbeginings16

Hello all-
I am reading and trying to understand my life at the point it is at. I have 2 kids from my previous marriage of 10 years and one infant from my soon to be ex-husband that has the drug addiction concern.
I like many of the women and men on here run a household, make decent money, and keep the family going despite all the chaos from the situation that is within the marriage. I have been married for 2 years and with him for almost 3. After we were married and I was about 8 weeks pregnant he began to use, I was blind to his habit which had been going on for some 22 years before me. He would leave with our car and leave me stranded at work time and time again. He drained the bank account of our rent money, stole my lap top and sons playstation and sold for money to use crack. I was upset and hurt and tried to leave several times and he kept saying we were married and I was to help and support him. Said I owed him another chance over and over again. He used more and more and I became numb to him. After 4 months of marriage he took the car one Friday and never returned. I received a call from one of his family members stating he was arrested for drugs in the car that was listed under my name. The car was impounded and I was left on my own at 7.5 months pregnant. His using spun out of control. During those few months prior to the arrest, I was screamed at, followed, questioned until I felt sick for doing nothing wrong (his own paranoia) I was later told by a drug counsler, choked, pushed and humiliated. I left when he was locked up and fought to get my car back with no fees attached to it. I was on my own for 3 months. I had the baby and he worked his way back into my life. He made promise after promise that he would never touch drugs again and losing his family would never happen again. 3 months went by and we moved back together. He started again on the crack cocaine a few weeks later. I questioned all his lies and he became defensive. The police were called 4 times for domestic abuse at our home. When the neighbors called on the last account bc my phone was hidden from me and I could not dial 911 and he was choking me and I was throwing up and trying to scream I had enough. I filed for a protection order and it was granted. He entered into rehab on his own and went into sober living. This was a positive step and he seemed to be calmer and actually working on his sobriety. I listened to him talk and we started getting closer again but I was still hesitant due to the past and promises that never amounted to anything. Now, this weekend he wanted to plan something for Mothers Day and he was desperate to see my 2 kids (his step kids) for the first time in several months. I spoke with my kids and they were mad, scared, and hurt. They did not want to see him. He had stolen money and objects from them in the past and they were still hurting from that. I let him know I could not allow him back to the house and that I was done with the marriage for the safety of myself and all 3 kids. He left nasty humiliating messages on my phone and via text. He wanted to move back home immediatly and I killed his wish so I am a terrible person now because I care too much for my kids and my own sanity. Is it normal to feel all of these emptions of upset and hurt and loneliness at the same time with such a situation?

hopeful4

Absolutely. When you don't give an addict what they want, many times they turn to manipulative, vile people. It's a very sad situation. And of course, I am sure not all times were bad times, so it's normal to grieve that loss.

Be happy those children are his step children and he cannot claim any rights to them at any point. So many times kids have a much better sense of what is going on and how far the addict has come, or not, than we do.

Keep moving forward. Know that you are not responsible for putting up with his nasty remarks or manipulation.

Hugs, many hugs.

atalose

Yes it is very normal and all part of the grieving process for the loss of this relationship.

To me there is no amount of loneness that a lying, stealing, manipulative battering drug addict would possible fill.

I am so glad you listened to your children about not allowing this person back into all of your lives. Kids are just so smart!!!

It’s going to take you some time to turn what you feel today is a loss and into feeling thankful that you were one of the lucky ones to get away from such a toxic relationship.

AnvilheadII

welcome. and THANK YOU for listening to your children and NOT allowing your EX anywhere NEAR them. they must come first, ALWAYS. he's already taken away their sense of safety and security and TRUST in adults.....he doesn't get one more second to do any more damage.

i suspect it's not really LONLINESS you feel, more of a sense of it being TOO quiet, TOO calm. He was a massive swirling hurricane of chaos....never dull, always on edge, fight or flight. now he's not there to kick up all that crap.....and it can take some getting used to.

and by the way, you experienced the best test ever to get to the true agenda of an addict......SAY NO, then stand back, preferably behind something fireproof! wasn't really about MOM'S DAY, that was just the Warm Up, looking for your soft spot, THEN came the real deal - he wants back IN. please keep that door shut!

zoso77

nb16...

Welcome to the Board. I'm really, really sorry for what has brought you here to us. But sites like this one are here for people like you who've been negatively impacted by a loved one's addiction. As such, I'm glad you found us and took that important first step to post.

Hopeful, atalose, and Anvil have given you valuable feedback. There's little for me to add...save this:

Given what you have described above, you are well within your rights to remove this person from your life for good. Probabilistically speaking, he will not change. Oh, when he stops being nasty, he'll say he'll change, but trust me when I say he's full of sh!t.

It's also important that you know and understand that you did nothing to deserve the treatment he dished your way. Nothing whatsoever. He's a sick man doing sick things. That's on him, not you.

Anyways, we've got your back here at our little corner of SR. We have women amongst us who've been in your shoes or something like them. My hope is in the hours and days to come, they'll share their wisdom and how they've been able to move on after such turmoil. When they do, pay attention to them, for they know of what they speak.

Keep us posted, and again, Welcome to the Board.

newbeginings16

Thank you to those that posted. I have tears in my eyes right now. It is hard, and yes, you are correct, not lonlyness but lack of the constant chaos. I have a family of drinkers and the other day my mom kept trying to get me to drink with her and I declined all advances. The last thing I need is to cope with all this and start drinking. I enjoyed wine back in 2013 for a good 5 months every night and stopped with the realization of what I was doing and feeling. It was hard and I still think about that time and my stress level has climbed the ladder. I had court yesterday as I had a situation with Mr. wonderful where on his visitation day I drove him and our daughter as it was raining hard and he was pushing to come have dinner at my apartment and spend time. Again the whole time saying he has his whole life to make up to me and he is a great man, did rehab for 3 weeks and lived in sober living for 5 weeks and now he is perfect in his eyes. An argument started in the car while I was driving, he ripped the keys out of the steering wheel and I screamed that he was breaking the car. He grabbed the baby out of her seat and took off walking away. The event continued and back to court I went. I obtained EOP again and all contact was dropped. He was served and a few days later I received a text from a different number saying he loved his baby daughter.
Back to court and OP stands and pick up and drop off are at the local police station now (inside). He was told again and this time for real-no contact unless emergency with the baby. So the same day court lets out he sends a text at 10:40PM, good night baby, daddy loves you.
I did not respond, yet it's bothering me as he was told and its in the order, not to contact unless emergency. The baby does not talk nor read, and he knows she goes to bed by 9:00, so I'm thinking I call police station and report this, yet, I have to see him tomorrow for visitation drop off. I am safe and my kids are safe, I have a safety plan. Do I contact the police on this, as yet again he is going against the order?

dandylion

YES, report it.
dandylion

ladyscribbler

^^^^Agree completely. Report EVERY violation. This has nothing to do with your precious baby daughter. He is using the daddy card to manipulate you and break your boundaries, which in this case is also breaking the law. Protect yourself and your children, you all deserve peace and safety.

newbeginings16

Thank you ladyscribbler and dandylion . I appreciate the feed back and directly so. I will continue to report it and as I figured this has nothing to do with our baby daughter. So glad I found this place here. Many tears and many hugs.

hopeful4

Report it!!!!

Hugs to you!

hopepraylove

Hi newbeginings,

I'm sorry for what brings you to the forum, but I'm glad you found us. Many of us here have been through what you're experiencing with your loved one. I strongly urge you to seek counseling and/or support via Alanon, in addition to this site. I recommend visiting a Codependency support group as well. For the sake of your children, you should stand your ground and implement very strict/firm boundaries. They're entirely innocent here and should not be subjected (nor witness) such violence, abuse, and instability. Keep coming back, read our stories, reach our for support. We're here for you.

Hugs.

newbeginings16

Thank you hopepraylove, the recommendations are very much appreciated. Alanon is a support group for those of loved ones with addictions correct? I will look into the Codependency groups as well as that seems a very good idea to help myself and continue to support my kids. I am a bit of a nervous wreck today and I'm having a hard time calming my anxiety as I have to drop off my 14 month old inside the police station to her dad, this was agreed with the courts for a few specified hours tonight. Meeting him at all literally makes my stomach go nuts and I'm beyond dreading it. Any suggestions to keep calm and try to not feel so worked up by this event that I have to partake in going forward for drop off and pick up?

fred59

welcome, please stay safe, when anxiety hits me I sing B Marley's everthing is going to be alright I then get on my bike and ride. Find a prayer or mantra and use it and know that feelings do not last. Do you have a friend to go with you when you drop off your baby.

newbeginings16

Fred59-I do not have a friend as others are afraid of him and long ago stepped out of the picture. I have an older co-worker who I might be able to talk into it at least for this first time since the last court stuff. He's an angry man who as far as I know is still with a sponsor (that buys him literally anything he wants and drives him around) and is active with meetings. He is however living with 5 others that are heavy drinkers so I am not sure how ;long he will stay sober. He was abusive when sober and even worse when high and drunk so either way even without the chemical substances there are major issues. I like that song and with kids bike riding is hard so maybe a fast walk like I tend to do. Thank you

Queenbee7

This is so true. I let my husband back into our lives with basically open arms and heart. Convinced the kids everything would be wonderful.
All the while they were cautious and weary. And THEY were right!
Kids and animals have a sixth sense.....

Queenbee7

Even though it should be obvious, very often I need these type of reminders. That's why I love this site.
Thanks

Queenbee7

REPORT every instance that he breaks the order. You and the courts put out firm boundaries and he is going to continue to push that boundary line further and further in the direction HE WANTS.
Even if the police don't take it serious keep reporting it.
I had an protection order on my ex which stated NO contact at all. He sent me a "love" letter in the mail which I reported and the police said
" ahh poor guy it looks like a sweet letter"
Most people don't get it!!!

newbeginings16

Queenbee7-I had roses left at my front door from him and love texts too and I reported and same thing they said well-its not threatning so I get discouraged. This is how they push the boundaries and they know that but the police are sometimes naïve and its upsetting. I went back to court for the order to state "NO CONTACT with Petitioner" Contact via text allowed only for medical emergencies with baby in common. he is obviously not caring as usual and it's about him and his feelings etc. I let him back 3 times and swore to my kids that was it. I could not allow the possibility to ever happen again. Longest he was ever clean was 7 months and that was questionable. I sat one night and realized that even if the drugs and alcohol no longer played a part the manipulative, jealous, rage, constant accusations of me cheating, not allowing me to even go to the grocery store on my lunch break or step out of the house to take out the damn garbage was still continuing. And I was as honest as could be. No cheating from me yet I know his lies and he was. I met with him on several occasions at public places with the baby to test out his new found self, according to him after 3 weeks of rehab (yet he went to prison for 3 years at a rehab prison and he still used 2 months after he was out) and he still was saying I had to be cheating on him and his anger was very appearant many times, continued to say sorry and that all this would go away once I allowed him to move back home. Yeah, obviously I killed that dream and he is resentful even when he says he is not. I am all for sponsors yet Im unsure of the one he has. I actually overheard his sponsor say well if she really does leave you I will get you a bride from India like I did, no matter what you do, they will never leave you. SO all that being said thank you all for your support. As you can tell I need it. Its a done relationship and I have to be strong for my kids and self. I got a list of Families Anononymous and I will start those as soon as I can, hopefully next weekend.

Queenbee7

It is so hard to say goodbye to these men we love even when it is obvious it is a terrible relationship. It's such a crazy dynamic!

Logically I know what my husband has done, but my mind and heart keep trying to deny it and "trick" me back into staying with him. Right know it's a constant time consuming battle to break through my denial.
It's also a hard fight not to keep projecting the relationship I wanted in my mind. Because really it never was roses..

Our husbands sound very similar. I'm sorry for what you are going through. It is so hard!

BUT, you are doing SO good! Your being a very good mother to your children and a good friend to yourself.

Take Care

Queenbee7

P.S. In regards to other peoples ignorance or lack of caring in these situations. Let them live in there ignorance.. I hope they never have to go through what you or I have. Let him get a new wife (although I would feel sorry for her) His sponsor sounds like a "dry drunk" to me..

Hold your head up high. Keep moving forward. Have high hope's and standards for your and your children's futures . It's gonna be good!