Seeking Advice For Being A Positive Influence In GF's Recovery
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 20
Originally Posted by atalose 
Well for one, stop referring to yourself as her significant other. You have ONLY know this person a few months. This person has broken up the relationship with you so that she can seek help for herself.
And two, getting close to her child in these few shorts months is not healthy for either one of you.
Alcohol is an alcoholics trigger.
Drugs are a drug addicts trigger.
Relationships are a codependents trigger.
You place yourself in a significant role in their lives in just this very short period of time.
The best way of all to help is to step back way back and allow her all on her own to figure her out.
Support doesn't always NEED to be an action or your presents it simple can be respecting another persons right and ability to stand on their own and figure out their own lives.
And two, getting close to her child in these few shorts months is not healthy for either one of you.
Alcohol is an alcoholics trigger.
Drugs are a drug addicts trigger.
Relationships are a codependents trigger.
You place yourself in a significant role in their lives in just this very short period of time.
The best way of all to help is to step back way back and allow her all on her own to figure her out.
Support doesn't always NEED to be an action or your presents it simple can be respecting another persons right and ability to stand on their own and figure out their own lives.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Originally Posted by DathanM
So essentially take things with a grain of salt so to speak? And I'm worried about her old friends from the club trying to drag her back into that lifestyle
Recognize if she makes bad choices, and have a plan in place as to what you plan to do if she relapses.
For yourself, continue to seek support and guidance for your own codependency, which can lead to a life of heart ache.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
What I am saying is, allow her to take the lead as to what kind of a “relationship” she wants with you. You can tell her that you wish her well and support her in her recovery and that if she wants to talk then give you a call and leave it at that.
Your worry about her getting back with old friends, working at that club, etc. etc. will surely push her away. She will know that if she doesn’t change people, places and things she will relapse right back to that life, pray that she finds the courage and strength in herself to want a different lifestyle but if she does chose to go back to it there isn’t a dam thing you could say or do that will change her mind.
Her sole focus right now has to be on NOT using drugs. She is NOT going to have the time or emotional energy to focus on a relationship right now.
Your worry about her getting back with old friends, working at that club, etc. etc. will surely push her away. She will know that if she doesn’t change people, places and things she will relapse right back to that life, pray that she finds the courage and strength in herself to want a different lifestyle but if she does chose to go back to it there isn’t a dam thing you could say or do that will change her mind.
Her sole focus right now has to be on NOT using drugs. She is NOT going to have the time or emotional energy to focus on a relationship right now.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 20
Originally Posted by atalose
What I am saying is, allow her to take the lead as to what kind of a “relationship” she wants with you. You can tell her that you wish her well and support her in her recovery and that if she wants to talk then give you a call and leave it at that.
Your worry about her getting back with old friends, working at that club, etc. etc. will surely push her away. She will know that if she doesn’t change people, places and things she will relapse right back to that life, pray that she finds the courage and strength in herself to want a different lifestyle but if she does chose to go back to it there isn’t a dam thing you could say or do that will change her mind.
Her sole focus right now has to be on NOT using drugs. She is NOT going to have the time or emotional energy to focus on a relationship right now.
Your worry about her getting back with old friends, working at that club, etc. etc. will surely push her away. She will know that if she doesn’t change people, places and things she will relapse right back to that life, pray that she finds the courage and strength in herself to want a different lifestyle but if she does chose to go back to it there isn’t a dam thing you could say or do that will change her mind.
Her sole focus right now has to be on NOT using drugs. She is NOT going to have the time or emotional energy to focus on a relationship right now.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Not only is that confusing but absolutely not fair. The truth is, she has no idea of what she wants right now, she's going to be all over the place, another reason why you should just step back.
She is not in a place to have any kind of real relationship with anyone including herself. And that's the one she needs to focus on the most - herself.
She is not in a place to have any kind of real relationship with anyone including herself. And that's the one she needs to focus on the most - herself.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
It's not uncommon for addicts to want one foot in and one foot out because they themselves don't really know what they want but need to feel in control over those options even though it's not fair to other people. Addicts are very selfish people.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 20
Originally Posted by atalose
It's not uncommon for addicts to want one foot in and one foot out because they themselves don't really know what they want but need to feel in control over those options even though it's not fair to other people. Addicts are very selfish people.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I absolutely think that is a double standard, and I absolutely think that it's unfair and selfish for her to ask that of you.
At some point, you will realize that you deserve a certain type of relationship, and you will decide if she is able to give that to you.
I know you did not ask me, I am just giving my .02
At some point, you will realize that you deserve a certain type of relationship, and you will decide if she is able to give that to you.
I know you did not ask me, I am just giving my .02
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 20
Originally Posted by hopeful4
I absolutely think that is a double standard, and I absolutely think that it's unfair and selfish for her to ask that of you.
At some point, you will realize that you deserve a certain type of relationship, and you will decide if she is able to give that to you.
I know you did not ask me, I am just giving my .02
At some point, you will realize that you deserve a certain type of relationship, and you will decide if she is able to give that to you.
I know you did not ask me, I am just giving my .02
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
If this were me I'd be giving serious thought to what MY needs are and what I want from a partner. I wouldn't compromise my NEEDS and WANTS in life for a "potential" relationship with someone battling addiction.
Seeing potential in someone and feeling sorry for them because of their history is never ever a good reason to try and build a relationship on.
Now is the time for you to step back and see where her potential really goes. Sit back and witness her recovery by her actions and not her words.
More will be revealed to you as time goes by but the more you attempt to force solutions the worse this situation will become.
Seeing potential in someone and feeling sorry for them because of their history is never ever a good reason to try and build a relationship on.
Now is the time for you to step back and see where her potential really goes. Sit back and witness her recovery by her actions and not her words.
More will be revealed to you as time goes by but the more you attempt to force solutions the worse this situation will become.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Okay: In the title of this thread you refer to her as your GF. She broke up with you, therefore, technically she is not your girlfriend. Did she actually TELL you you were somehow forbidden from taking up interest in other girls? I didn't read that anywhere, but maybe you are assuming that and at this point she doesn't care if you are interested in others. In fact, maybe that's why she broke up with you...because she realized it wasn't fair to keep you hanging on and so, you're free.
But, you see, in your co-dependence, you ARE hanging on and not just hanging on, you are making FUTURE plans FOR her, when in fact it's best to DROP that mindset altogether and accept that the BEST thing for her and yourself is for each of you to be independent. You are 18 years old, for Heaven's sake. You've got a good job and big heart. A heart that may get trampled on and none of us like the idea of that happening to you.
Sure, it's gonna be best for her recovery to break away from her old habits and haunts, but that conviction has got to come from her.
Let me ask you this: So say she gets out of rehab and you're there ready to take up with her again and she doesn't do any of the things you envisioned? How are you going to feel then? How are you going to take that? Because the reality is it may not turn out anything like you want. And you don't PUSH/FORCE a person or it will backfire.
But, you see, in your co-dependence, you ARE hanging on and not just hanging on, you are making FUTURE plans FOR her, when in fact it's best to DROP that mindset altogether and accept that the BEST thing for her and yourself is for each of you to be independent. You are 18 years old, for Heaven's sake. You've got a good job and big heart. A heart that may get trampled on and none of us like the idea of that happening to you.
Sure, it's gonna be best for her recovery to break away from her old habits and haunts, but that conviction has got to come from her.
Let me ask you this: So say she gets out of rehab and you're there ready to take up with her again and she doesn't do any of the things you envisioned? How are you going to feel then? How are you going to take that? Because the reality is it may not turn out anything like you want. And you don't PUSH/FORCE a person or it will backfire.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 20
Yes she actually did express distaste in the fact that I would even consider another woman she was mad that I responded to another woman who messaged me, i wasn't flirting or trying to get with her but I much enjoyed the conversation. And she wants me to be faithful to her while she's there. And ATALOSE you're right after speaking with the therapist last night about everything and more the best thing I can do is get my codependency issues and other issues under control and just be a better person and whatever happens happens. But as states above I'm in a grey area of what do do because she's keeping me hanging on.. She gets to be single and I'm single but have to act taken its not fair I'm young and should be mingling and getting out. Also while she is in an all women's unit she's had a history of affairs/hookups with women so that makes me wonder as well due to her lack of self control.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,618
Ok.... There are so many things to address Dathan, but I'm just going to touch on one of them.... And that's dancing.
I was a dancer. I danced for a long time. I think the total was 5 or 6 years. Now, I volunteer to help women escape the exotic industry. Let's leave the drugs and rehab out of it for a moment.
The thing with ex dancers is that we view men differently then "normal" women. We are perfect manipulators. The way she keeps you on the hook is a red flag. Its a BIG red flag. It becomes ingrained into a girls nature. It is a huge thing to overcome. The glitz and glamor is an illusion. Dancing always damages a girl psychologically. It is not something that she can recover from and maintain a healthy relationship.
Most people, who have never been in the club, think of the men as wolves and the women as meat up for sale. That is not how the women who work there see it. They are like vampires. They stroll the floor looking for a "helpless" man. They empty his wallet in minutes. They walk away with thousands of dollars and he walks away empty handed. This mindset becomes so engrained... And their hearts become so cold... It overflows into everyday life, our mothering style, our families, our romantic relationships.
I am not trying to demonize "working women" because I was one. I have not dance for over TWO years and am still working on myself.
I work in a respectable restaurant now. I still catch myself batting eyelashes and flirting for sales.... How did I learn to manipulate sales?!? Hmmm I wonder...
Maybe she does have genuine feelings for you. I'm not trying to deny that, but there are huge obstacles for her to overcome.
No Prince Charming can save a woman like that.
I was a dancer. I danced for a long time. I think the total was 5 or 6 years. Now, I volunteer to help women escape the exotic industry. Let's leave the drugs and rehab out of it for a moment.
The thing with ex dancers is that we view men differently then "normal" women. We are perfect manipulators. The way she keeps you on the hook is a red flag. Its a BIG red flag. It becomes ingrained into a girls nature. It is a huge thing to overcome. The glitz and glamor is an illusion. Dancing always damages a girl psychologically. It is not something that she can recover from and maintain a healthy relationship.
Most people, who have never been in the club, think of the men as wolves and the women as meat up for sale. That is not how the women who work there see it. They are like vampires. They stroll the floor looking for a "helpless" man. They empty his wallet in minutes. They walk away with thousands of dollars and he walks away empty handed. This mindset becomes so engrained... And their hearts become so cold... It overflows into everyday life, our mothering style, our families, our romantic relationships.
I am not trying to demonize "working women" because I was one. I have not dance for over TWO years and am still working on myself.
I work in a respectable restaurant now. I still catch myself batting eyelashes and flirting for sales.... How did I learn to manipulate sales?!? Hmmm I wonder...
Maybe she does have genuine feelings for you. I'm not trying to deny that, but there are huge obstacles for her to overcome.
No Prince Charming can save a woman like that.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
But as states above I'm in a grey area of what do do because she's keeping me hanging on..
Maybe the reason this young troubled woman came across your path was to help you learn more about yourself and the abilities you don’t think you have but you do. Maybe her purpose in your life is to help you understand your codependency issues and how to begin to overcome them.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 20
Originally Posted by Lily1918
Ok.... There are so many things to address Dathan, but I'm just going to touch on one of them.... And that's dancing.
I was a dancer. I danced for a long time. I think the total was 5 or 6 years. Now, I volunteer to help women escape the exotic industry. Let's leave the drugs and rehab out of it for a moment.
The thing with ex dancers is that we view men differently then "normal" women. We are perfect manipulators. The way she keeps you on the hook is a red flag. Its a BIG red flag. It becomes ingrained into a girls nature. It is a huge thing to overcome. The glitz and glamor is an illusion. Dancing always damages a girl psychologically. It is not something that she can recover from and maintain a healthy relationship.
Most people, who have never been in the club, think of the men as wolves and the women as meat up for sale. That is not how the women who work there see it. They are like vampires. They stroll the floor looking for a "helpless" man. They empty his wallet in minutes. They walk away with thousands of dollars and he walks away empty handed. This mindset becomes so engrained... And their hearts become so cold... It overflows into everyday life, our mothering style, our families, our romantic relationships.
I am not trying to demonize "working women" because I was one. I have not dance for over TWO years and am still working on myself.
I work in a respectable restaurant now. I still catch myself batting eyelashes and flirting for sales.... How did I learn to manipulate sales?!? Hmmm I wonder...
Maybe she does have genuine feelings for you. I'm not trying to deny that, but there are huge obstacles for her to overcome.
No Prince Charming can save a woman like that.
I was a dancer. I danced for a long time. I think the total was 5 or 6 years. Now, I volunteer to help women escape the exotic industry. Let's leave the drugs and rehab out of it for a moment.
The thing with ex dancers is that we view men differently then "normal" women. We are perfect manipulators. The way she keeps you on the hook is a red flag. Its a BIG red flag. It becomes ingrained into a girls nature. It is a huge thing to overcome. The glitz and glamor is an illusion. Dancing always damages a girl psychologically. It is not something that she can recover from and maintain a healthy relationship.
Most people, who have never been in the club, think of the men as wolves and the women as meat up for sale. That is not how the women who work there see it. They are like vampires. They stroll the floor looking for a "helpless" man. They empty his wallet in minutes. They walk away with thousands of dollars and he walks away empty handed. This mindset becomes so engrained... And their hearts become so cold... It overflows into everyday life, our mothering style, our families, our romantic relationships.
I am not trying to demonize "working women" because I was one. I have not dance for over TWO years and am still working on myself.
I work in a respectable restaurant now. I still catch myself batting eyelashes and flirting for sales.... How did I learn to manipulate sales?!? Hmmm I wonder...
Maybe she does have genuine feelings for you. I'm not trying to deny that, but there are huge obstacles for her to overcome.
No Prince Charming can save a woman like that.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 20
Originally Posted by atalose
You not only have the power but the ability to let go whenever you want. They don’t “keep” us hanging on we just chose to stay hanging on!! That’s the codie part of us.
Maybe the reason this young troubled woman came across your path was to help you learn more about yourself and the abilities you don’t think you have but you do. Maybe her purpose in your life is to help you understand your codependency issues and how to begin to overcome them.
Maybe the reason this young troubled woman came across your path was to help you learn more about yourself and the abilities you don’t think you have but you do. Maybe her purpose in your life is to help you understand your codependency issues and how to begin to overcome them.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I just want to add that I am so proud of you for getting therapy for this at such a young age. So many wait until they have formed marriages and families before therapy, which is opposite of what a person needs. Keep going, and keep focusing on you.
If one day you have a son or nephew that you really love, and he would come to you in this situation, what would you tell him? It's a good gauge to ask yourself as codies we don't like to always practice what we preach LOL.
You DESERVE to live your life, for it to be pleasant, and to be happy in whatever relationship you choose. This woman has a lot of baggage to work through, and if she is truly in recovery, she needs to do that alone.
Hugs to you.
If one day you have a son or nephew that you really love, and he would come to you in this situation, what would you tell him? It's a good gauge to ask yourself as codies we don't like to always practice what we preach LOL.
You DESERVE to live your life, for it to be pleasant, and to be happy in whatever relationship you choose. This woman has a lot of baggage to work through, and if she is truly in recovery, she needs to do that alone.
Hugs to you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Like others have said, Dathan, it's really good that you are starting to work on your codie issues. In my mind, the sooner you can break them, but especially better for you....I think you need to be more of the mindset that this is about YOU, not so much about her. For the reality is that people come into your life...and....they go....or they stay...but in MY mind they are ONLY "allowed" to stay if I want them to and IF they are truly healthy for me. I'm much older than you, but I want you to understand that I DO speak from experience and life's hard lessons I learned when I was much younger like you and am in a way still learning.
Learning to LET GO is perhaps one of the best things a person can do for their self, and as it turns out letting go can also help the person at the other end. It's not easy, but it comes with the best outcome.
I can totally see where you were/are taken in by her beauty and sexuality. Sex itself is a big factor in all this and I think it's most likely you got hooked on the sex. I don't judge for that, but the reality that there is sex and then there is sex and there is so much more than sex. She is a professional at being sexy. There. Is that someone who you want to invest your future with? Were you my son, I'd do my darndest to steer you away from those types of people. There are plenty of sexy girls out there who also have the ability to be in healthy committed relationships who have great respectable careers who you might eventually settle down with.
At this stage of your life, your spot on that you need to be free to explore many other options...you should feel free to have great intelligent conversations with other girls; meaningful conversations that build character and intelligence. I'm not saying she is not intelligent; I have no way of knowing that. But if YOU were smart you would set yourself free and stay free for a *very*long*time. Don't let anyone tie you down....you'll only end up feeling like a prisoner and who wants that? Don't be a prisoner of your own doing; your own mind; your own compulsions.
Ultimately, Dathan, YOU must set yourself free: physically, mentally, emotionally, psychologically, and sexually. You are really the only person who can truly set yourself free. Doesn't matter what she thinks or what she wants.
She broke up with you. Done deal.
Learning to LET GO is perhaps one of the best things a person can do for their self, and as it turns out letting go can also help the person at the other end. It's not easy, but it comes with the best outcome.
I can totally see where you were/are taken in by her beauty and sexuality. Sex itself is a big factor in all this and I think it's most likely you got hooked on the sex. I don't judge for that, but the reality that there is sex and then there is sex and there is so much more than sex. She is a professional at being sexy. There. Is that someone who you want to invest your future with? Were you my son, I'd do my darndest to steer you away from those types of people. There are plenty of sexy girls out there who also have the ability to be in healthy committed relationships who have great respectable careers who you might eventually settle down with.
At this stage of your life, your spot on that you need to be free to explore many other options...you should feel free to have great intelligent conversations with other girls; meaningful conversations that build character and intelligence. I'm not saying she is not intelligent; I have no way of knowing that. But if YOU were smart you would set yourself free and stay free for a *very*long*time. Don't let anyone tie you down....you'll only end up feeling like a prisoner and who wants that? Don't be a prisoner of your own doing; your own mind; your own compulsions.
Ultimately, Dathan, YOU must set yourself free: physically, mentally, emotionally, psychologically, and sexually. You are really the only person who can truly set yourself free. Doesn't matter what she thinks or what she wants.
She broke up with you. Done deal.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
