Advice on firm boundaries
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Greenville sc
Posts: 137
Advice on firm boundaries
So I am hoping every one is well. I am grateful to be posting today. I am currently working on my alanon program. I have not posted a lot about my AH as not much has changed. ...and when nothing changes nothing changes.
My question is about me. This is more of a request for experience but can some people share a little about hoe they have set and stick to boundaries. I am in this cycle right now. Living with AH he is using and everything that goes with that territory. But the huge issue i am having is me. I continue to allow myself to be sucked into the arguments with AH. His word is useless and i know that. His promises are empty and I know that. I have told myself over and over that I am done believing the I promise its the last time stories. But over the last couple weeks i have been so upset and have been definitely acting crazy. I find myself mad every time i find out he has lied or broken yet another promise and today i found myself screaming at him and really degrading him. Now not that the things i was saying were totally off base however its totally not healthy for me to be reacting this way.
I have a lot on me right now with an ailing parent and tons of overtime at work so I am overly tired but what can I do to utilize more control over my boundaries with AH. My boundary that i will no longer participate in the arguments and engage in conversations that leave me emotionally drained and feeling horrible but here i am. I am realizing quickly that I have a long way to go on emotional healing because a sound person would probably not scream like a banschee at a loved one especially when it will solve nothing.
Any advice on how to keep a stronger boundary? I have learned that the if thens dont work as i can't really enforce many of the thens and he always does the ifs so they just make me sound insane.
My question is about me. This is more of a request for experience but can some people share a little about hoe they have set and stick to boundaries. I am in this cycle right now. Living with AH he is using and everything that goes with that territory. But the huge issue i am having is me. I continue to allow myself to be sucked into the arguments with AH. His word is useless and i know that. His promises are empty and I know that. I have told myself over and over that I am done believing the I promise its the last time stories. But over the last couple weeks i have been so upset and have been definitely acting crazy. I find myself mad every time i find out he has lied or broken yet another promise and today i found myself screaming at him and really degrading him. Now not that the things i was saying were totally off base however its totally not healthy for me to be reacting this way.
I have a lot on me right now with an ailing parent and tons of overtime at work so I am overly tired but what can I do to utilize more control over my boundaries with AH. My boundary that i will no longer participate in the arguments and engage in conversations that leave me emotionally drained and feeling horrible but here i am. I am realizing quickly that I have a long way to go on emotional healing because a sound person would probably not scream like a banschee at a loved one especially when it will solve nothing.
Any advice on how to keep a stronger boundary? I have learned that the if thens dont work as i can't really enforce many of the thens and he always does the ifs so they just make me sound insane.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,618
There is a difference between boundaries and rules. Rules are about them. Boundaries are about us.
An example of one of my personal boundaries is my home. No person with less than 12 months clean time is allowed in my home. That includes spondees from the program. My home is my safe place for me and the children.
A "rule" would be "if you use you have to get out"
So a rule would be "you can't yell at me" a boundary could be simply refusing to engage.
Silence infuriates addicts more than anything. It gives them no fuel for the fire.
An example of one of my personal boundaries is my home. No person with less than 12 months clean time is allowed in my home. That includes spondees from the program. My home is my safe place for me and the children.
A "rule" would be "if you use you have to get out"
So a rule would be "you can't yell at me" a boundary could be simply refusing to engage.
Silence infuriates addicts more than anything. It gives them no fuel for the fire.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 2,684
Others posters have shared thoughtful ideas.
Living under constant stress is draining and wears on the ability to focus and work on recovery and boundaries; at least it worked that way for me. Prayers for comfort and peace for your parent and you and hoping you can find some time to rest and regroup.
Originally Posted by peacelovesober 
I have a lot on me right now with an ailing parent and tons of overtime at work so I am overly tired but what can I do to utilize more control over my boundaries with AH. My boundary that i will no longer participate in the arguments and engage in conversations that leave me emotionally drained and feeling horrible but here i am..
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Lily said it well, boundaries are about us and not them, about what we will and will not tolerate or how we will handle what is before us.
Some examples may be (and these are just my own suggestions, you decide what is right for yo).
...When talk turns to anger and/or raised voices, the conversation is over, right then and there, and I walk (not storm) away (to another room or out for a walk).
...I will never have an important discussion or debate anything with a person who is high or drunk. It is pointless and only upsets me.
...I will take care of myself, financially and physically, and never count on someone else to be responsible when they show themselves not to be. I do my own banking and have my own accounts, I pay the bills and take care of finances, and I make my own appointments and follow through how to get there and back without counting on anyone else.
...When I find myself upset or on overload, I will stop what I am doing and find a peaceful place where I can just go and breathe and calm myself down. A brief walk outdoors, an hour in the garden, an hour in my room reading good things with soft music playing, a quiet place to pray and ask for help...these are some of the things that help me most.
...I will not do for someone else what they can and should do for themselves.
See how this works? The boundaries are different for each of us, depending on our needs. But they are our safety nets and practice helps us turn to them when we need to. We learn to pause and think before we "respond", rather than to "react" to everything around us.
I hope this helps a little. I hope you find the peace you are seeking.
Hugs
Some examples may be (and these are just my own suggestions, you decide what is right for yo).
...When talk turns to anger and/or raised voices, the conversation is over, right then and there, and I walk (not storm) away (to another room or out for a walk).
...I will never have an important discussion or debate anything with a person who is high or drunk. It is pointless and only upsets me.
...I will take care of myself, financially and physically, and never count on someone else to be responsible when they show themselves not to be. I do my own banking and have my own accounts, I pay the bills and take care of finances, and I make my own appointments and follow through how to get there and back without counting on anyone else.
...When I find myself upset or on overload, I will stop what I am doing and find a peaceful place where I can just go and breathe and calm myself down. A brief walk outdoors, an hour in the garden, an hour in my room reading good things with soft music playing, a quiet place to pray and ask for help...these are some of the things that help me most.
...I will not do for someone else what they can and should do for themselves.
See how this works? The boundaries are different for each of us, depending on our needs. But they are our safety nets and practice helps us turn to them when we need to. We learn to pause and think before we "respond", rather than to "react" to everything around us.
I hope this helps a little. I hope you find the peace you are seeking.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,999
Originally Posted by Ann
Lily said it well, boundaries are about us and not them, about what we will and will not tolerate or how we will handle what is before us.
Some examples may be (and these are just my own suggestions, you decide what is right for yo).
...When talk turns to anger and/or raised voices, the conversation is over, right then and there, and I walk (not storm) away (to another room or out for a walk).
...I will never have an important discussion or debate anything with a person who is high or drunk. It is pointless and only upsets me.
...I will take care of myself, financially and physically, and never count on someone else to be responsible when they show themselves not to be. I do my own banking and have my own accounts, I pay the bills and take care of finances, and I make my own appointments and follow through how to get there and back without counting on anyone else.
...When I find myself upset or on overload, I will stop what I am doing and find a peaceful place where I can just go and breathe and calm myself down. A brief walk outdoors, an hour in the garden, an hour in my room reading good things with soft music playing, a quiet place to pray and ask for help...these are some of the things that help me most.
...I will not do for someone else what they can and should do for themselves.
See how this works? The boundaries are different for each of us, depending on our needs. But they are our safety nets and practice helps us turn to them when we need to. We learn to pause and think before we "respond", rather than to "react" to everything around us.
I hope this helps a little. I hope you find the peace you are seeking.
Hugs
Some examples may be (and these are just my own suggestions, you decide what is right for yo).
...When talk turns to anger and/or raised voices, the conversation is over, right then and there, and I walk (not storm) away (to another room or out for a walk).
...I will never have an important discussion or debate anything with a person who is high or drunk. It is pointless and only upsets me.
...I will take care of myself, financially and physically, and never count on someone else to be responsible when they show themselves not to be. I do my own banking and have my own accounts, I pay the bills and take care of finances, and I make my own appointments and follow through how to get there and back without counting on anyone else.
...When I find myself upset or on overload, I will stop what I am doing and find a peaceful place where I can just go and breathe and calm myself down. A brief walk outdoors, an hour in the garden, an hour in my room reading good things with soft music playing, a quiet place to pray and ask for help...these are some of the things that help me most.
...I will not do for someone else what they can and should do for themselves.
See how this works? The boundaries are different for each of us, depending on our needs. But they are our safety nets and practice helps us turn to them when we need to. We learn to pause and think before we "respond", rather than to "react" to everything around us.
I hope this helps a little. I hope you find the peace you are seeking.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I have a lot on me right now with an ailing parent and tons of overtime at work so I am overly tired but what can I do to utilize more control over my boundaries with AH.
It helps to understand and accept what your own needs are then figuring out what needs to happen to meet those needs.
If it’s more sleep you need then figure out what is preventing that and set a boundary around that. Like you will only work X amount of overtime hours in a week. You will seek help in the care taking of the ailing parent.
I know we all need extra money but some times the cost of that is more then it’s really worth. Not sure how ailing your parent is but there are lots of programs out there that offer the care takers help.
One of my biggest mistake boundaries was my thinking that I needed the A in my life so every solution I came to included him. It wasn’t until I stopped being confused about my needs and my wants that I discovered he was not a need at all but a want.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I actually had to leave when my X was drinking. Eventually that got tiring, so I made him leave. (I made a relative come pick him up).
That got tiring, so I got a divorce. Not to minimize it, but that is really how it happened. I was doing the same thing you are, I was screaming and realized I was becoming someone I really really did not like based on my reactions to his drinking. My anger was also affecting our children in huge ways. I had to get away from it on a permanent basis.
I love Ann's post, very wise, as usual!!
Hugs to you. I know it's hard. A day at a time.
That got tiring, so I got a divorce. Not to minimize it, but that is really how it happened. I was doing the same thing you are, I was screaming and realized I was becoming someone I really really did not like based on my reactions to his drinking. My anger was also affecting our children in huge ways. I had to get away from it on a permanent basis.
I love Ann's post, very wise, as usual!!
Hugs to you. I know it's hard. A day at a time.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,999
Originally Posted by hopeful4
I actually had to leave when my X was drinking. Eventually that got tiring, so I made him leave. (I made a relative come pick him up).
That got tiring, so I got a divorce. Not to minimize it, but that is really how it happened. I was doing the same thing you are, I was screaming and realized I was becoming someone I really really did not like based on my reactions to his drinking. My anger was also affecting our children in huge ways. I had to get away from it on a permanent basis.
I love Ann's post, very wise, as usual!!
Hugs to you. I know it's hard. A day at a time.
That got tiring, so I got a divorce. Not to minimize it, but that is really how it happened. I was doing the same thing you are, I was screaming and realized I was becoming someone I really really did not like based on my reactions to his drinking. My anger was also affecting our children in huge ways. I had to get away from it on a permanent basis.
I love Ann's post, very wise, as usual!!
Hugs to you. I know it's hard. A day at a time.
Peacelovesober, when he talks can you listen as you would to a duck quacking. Folks here call promises from drunks "quacking". In this way you protect yourself from believing promises as these promises are as meaningful as a conversation with water fowl ;-)
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Originally Posted by Bekindalways
It seems to me, that enforcing boundaries with active users inevitably involves putting physical distance between you and the addict/alcoholic. At the least, go into another room or for a walk.
Peacelovesober, when he talks can you listen as you would to a duck quacking. Folks here call promises from drunks "quacking". In this way you protect yourself from believing promises as these promises are as meaningful as a conversation with water fowl ;-)
Peacelovesober, when he talks can you listen as you would to a duck quacking. Folks here call promises from drunks "quacking". In this way you protect yourself from believing promises as these promises are as meaningful as a conversation with water fowl ;-)
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
A lesson that helped me a lot with my recovery and still helps me today is to take pause and think, before I respond to anything that triggers me. I try very hard to no longer "react".
The difference between reacting and responding is that reacting is reflecting back the bad behaviour of the other person...responding after pause to think, is "our" decision to express our own thoughts, or to step back and not bother.
For me it is the difference between crazy and calm.
One of my favourite prayers is "Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth."
Hugs out to all and thanks for the kind words.
The difference between reacting and responding is that reacting is reflecting back the bad behaviour of the other person...responding after pause to think, is "our" decision to express our own thoughts, or to step back and not bother.
For me it is the difference between crazy and calm.
One of my favourite prayers is "Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth."
Hugs out to all and thanks for the kind words.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 574
boundaries are something that we decide upon.
never set a boundary that you are not 100% able to and willing to enforce.
One failed boundary without consequences - will lead to more. The addict knows this and works diligently to break us down. Once they know what worked that time - it will continue.
Learned the hard way.
Hugs to you,
Joie
never set a boundary that you are not 100% able to and willing to enforce.
One failed boundary without consequences - will lead to more. The addict knows this and works diligently to break us down. Once they know what worked that time - it will continue.
Learned the hard way.
Hugs to you,
Joie
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 635
I remember when I lost it with my STBX- I was demanding to see his phone- I just knew that it was his dealer. I had to see these text messages he was getting! He refused, I demanded again. He kept refusing until I couldn't take it anymore. I hit him several times- not really hard (I'm a thin girl, and didn't really want to hurt him, anyway). But he wouldn't let up. It was all caught on camera- he had 13 cameras all around our property. When he kicked my son and I filed a restraining order, he used that video as evidence of my "ongoing abuse toward him". This was a lie- it was the first time I'd ever snapped, and I remember that very clearly because I was so ashamed of myself- I really couldn't believe I had gotten so out of control.
Bottom line- get out before you lose control- and you will! Living with an addict can make anyone crazy. If I had just had the strength to leave when I saw things getting bad, instead of always trying to "fix" him, my kids would be a lot safer now.
Best wishes.
Bottom line- get out before you lose control- and you will! Living with an addict can make anyone crazy. If I had just had the strength to leave when I saw things getting bad, instead of always trying to "fix" him, my kids would be a lot safer now.
Best wishes.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 2,684
Originally Posted by Hechosedrugs
Bottom line- get out before you lose control- and you will! Living with an addict can make anyone crazy.
Keeping boundaries makes such a difference in my life.
Peace of mind and a safe home environment are priceless. I am thankful for each every single day as well as the resolve to keep my boundaries.
Peace to all.
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