I stood my ground and it broke my heart

Old 03-27-2016, 06:01 PM
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I stood my ground and it broke my heart

Despite being seperated, (until he's ever sober)...... I have continued contact with my H Addicted fiance. I never wanted to cut off contact, that wasn't my plan. I removed myself from our home because he was getting crazier and progressively worse in his addiction to heroin. I told him I would talk to him daily but refused to see him if he was high. Bottom line. No exceptions. This is a huge deal for me because I never set boundaries with him before..... I have always gave and gave trying my best to save him. I understand now that that couldn't continue without losing every bit of myself. No matter what I did or did not do, he would use.

After speaking all week but not seeing eachother, his mother and I decided we would not invite him to Easter dinner because he has been using all week. We could not handle another ruined holiday..... It's more heartbreaking each time. We told him I would bring him a dish of food so he could eat, he promised he'd be sober since I was coming. (He's supposed to be attempting getting clean yet sadly.... he promises over and over again and it's never happening). I showed up, brought his dish.... He was so happy to see me, I could tell he was so lonely ..... I looked at him. Knew he was high, told him "our deal was I won't be around you high, and now I am leaving" ... He begged and screamed for me to stay, cried and threw himself at my feet..... I said "I love you" and left............. I never felt more pain in my life as I walked down our deck steps....... I pictured him there crying, lonely, and sad.. Alone on Easter. Am I a terrible person??? He told me his friends Think I'm horrible, who leaves someone in such a bad place.. And they said "if she's so worried that your so bad; how could she abandon you??"

They don't know that for the last year And a half I have been trying to "love him sober" ... They don't know how nasty he gets and refuses treatment..... But my heart hurts so bad....

I never knew standing up for myself and my boundaries could hurt so bad... Is detaching really a good thing??
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Old 03-27-2016, 06:08 PM
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The fact that he is still using is proof that he isn't ready to change anything. Until he is so miserable that he doesn't want to live another second the way he is currently living, nothing is going to change. You maintaining contact with him does nothing other than keep you upset.

Detaching is a good thing, but you haven't detached. You have simply stopped living with him. You are still involved; you talk to him every day; you take him food; you know what is going on with him. That is not detachment.
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Old 03-27-2016, 07:04 PM
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It was his choice to be alone on Easter.
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Old 03-27-2016, 07:53 PM
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You were very clear on the rules. He gets high. You leave.
He got high. You left.

You didn't arbitrarily change the rules on him. You were very fair.

He told me his friends Think I'm horrible, who leaves someone in such a bad place.. And they said "if she's so worried that your so bad; how could she abandon you??
HE TOLD YOU that his friends think you're horrible. But can you honestly believe he was telling you the truth of what they said? And even if he was quoting them word for word (which I doubt), I'm 100% certain that he took the truth of your relationship and twisted it so many ways it looked like that Ross Sisters "Solid Potato Salad" video that gives me the heebie jeebies (Go one minute in and you'll see what I'm talking about.)

I had to detach from the woman who physically abused me when I was younger, and I got loads of crap from my own family. Even my own father still asks me to contact her. But I know my own heart and I know my own soul. I know that even as I forgive her, I cannot be with her. To have a relationship with her would only drag me down. My sister chose the opposite, and years later we can see the impact of that choice.
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Old 03-28-2016, 02:17 AM
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>>>>>>>>I never knew standing up for myself and my boundaries could hurt so bad... Is detaching really a good thing?? <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Yes. It is.
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Old 03-28-2016, 07:02 AM
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I never knew standing up for myself and my boundaries could hurt so bad... Is detaching really a good thing??
Compare this to the alternative, and tell me what's worse.

And I don't say this to be flippant, or insensitive. I say it in an effort to ground you. He's a heroin addict who has put feeding his addiction above all else. Imagine what your life would be if you didn't detach from him.

The pain of putting distance between us and someone we love sucks.

The pain of staying coupled to an addict exceeds that pain by orders of magnitude.
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Old 03-28-2016, 07:48 AM
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I never knew standing up for myself and my boundaries could hurt so bad... Is detaching really a good thing??
^^^^ that was also my thought..........what's your alternative? being there as a front row witness to his growing madness.

He told me his friends Think I'm horrible, who leaves someone in such a bad place.. And they said "if she's so worried that your so bad; how could she abandon you??"
You are allowing yourself to get sucked into the standard manipulations of an addict.

Put those thoughts in reverse and ask yourself..........what kind of a person (addict) does this to themselves for their loved ones to witness.
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Old 03-28-2016, 09:20 AM
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he promised he'd be sober since I was coming. (He's supposed to be attempting getting clean yet sadly.... he promises over and over again and it's never happening). I showed up, brought his dish.... He was so happy to see me, I could tell he was so lonely ..... I looked at him. Knew he was high

YOU didn't DO anything to "poor" him.....HE DID. i'm having doubts that Easter was ever really a BIG DAY for him, just another Sunday. he obviously still has "friends" who he SAYS think you are just a terrible person. because you REFUSE to allow an active drug user and left the home.

and yet........HE IS STILL USING. HE REFUSES TREATMENT.

don't fall for his pathetic throwing himself at your feet schtick.....chances are you weren't out of the driveway 5 minutes before he was hitting the dope again.
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Old 03-28-2016, 02:01 PM
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My son gained the most ground whenever he played the "guilt" card, throw in tears and a pathetic life of loneliness and I was a codie mama gone wrong.

He (your fiance) does have a choice, his life doesn't have to be so miserable. There are free rehabs, free meetings every day of the week and real help available to any addict who wants help...but therein lies the problem, they have to want help, and your fiance just isn't ready yet.

Detaching with love is painful, we are letting go of the dreams we had for our addicted loved ones, it feels like giving up but it's not because the hard truth is, we have no power at all over their addiction or sobriety. If love could save our addicts, not one of us would be here.

What you choose to do is up to you, but the pain of leaving will be far less than the pain of staying with an active addict.

Good luck.

Hugs
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Old 03-28-2016, 02:41 PM
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Thanks everyone for your advice, it's so hard to know which decisions are right.... Especially when it comes down to my life, and somebody else's. I always think, what if he kills himself? What if he's overdosing alone in there? ..... Sometimes I lay awake picturing his funeral..... I guess it's just what comes with the very real reality that this all seems so bad but it can get so much worse, I saw two of my brothers friends overdose and die before their 25th birthday, my cousin is an addict, my best friend I also lost to addiction, and now my fiancé is suffering. It truly is an epidemic. Not to mention we live In the suburbs where this used to seem so unimaginable...... I can honestly say I've lost so many people turn to heroin. It blows my mind some days.

My fiancé is a vet and can get amazing rehab for free anytime he so chooses.... He chose to once, and relapsed the second day out..... He knows what resources are available to him.....

I'll continue to pray to my st. Jude and hope for a miracle.... Just for today he is safe and so am I. Thank you all, you have no idea how this site keeps me sane. Xoxo
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Old 03-28-2016, 02:45 PM
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Sending you strength, comfort, and a hug...
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Old 03-28-2016, 03:19 PM
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I am wrestling with no contact, too (to a certain extent--not my fiancee)--I am so sorry this is happening.

Contact with people with that sickness can cause a lot of guilt. You're up against a POWERFUL DISEASE. He is not well enough to puzzle out how to be with you. Doesn't mean he can't get better, but you are not responsible for it.

Edit--I'm sorry to reinforce what others are saying. I saw your post too late. What a tough situation...just sending you comfort however you proceed.
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Old 03-28-2016, 06:08 PM
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I love your strength! It's amazing and I wish I had a shred of it. I'm learning though.. Really trying to always respond in a healthy way.
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Old 03-29-2016, 02:46 PM
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Originally Posted by Nelly1 View Post
Despite being seperated, (until he's ever sober)...... I have continued contact with my H Addicted fiance. I never wanted to cut off contact, that wasn't my plan. I removed myself from our home because he was getting crazier and progressively worse in his addiction to heroin. I told him I would talk to him daily but refused to see him if he was high. Bottom line. No exceptions. This is a huge deal for me because I never set boundaries with him before..... I have always gave and gave trying my best to save him. I understand now that that couldn't continue without losing every bit of myself. No matter what I did or did not do, he would use.

After speaking all week but not seeing eachother, his mother and I decided we would not invite him to Easter dinner because he has been using all week. We could not handle another ruined holiday..... It's more heartbreaking each time. We told him I would bring him a dish of food so he could eat, he promised he'd be sober since I was coming. (He's supposed to be attempting getting clean yet sadly.... he promises over and over again and it's never happening). I showed up, brought his dish.... He was so happy to see me, I could tell he was so lonely ..... I looked at him. Knew he was high, told him "our deal was I won't be around you high, and now I am leaving" ... He begged and screamed for me to stay, cried and threw himself at my feet..... I said "I love you" and left............. I never felt more pain in my life as I walked down our deck steps....... I pictured him there crying, lonely, and sad.. Alone on Easter. Am I a terrible person??? He told me his friends Think I'm horrible, who leaves someone in such a bad place.. And they said "if she's so worried that your so bad; how could she abandon you??"

They don't know that for the last year And a half I have been trying to "love him sober" ... They don't know how nasty he gets and refuses treatment..... But my heart hurts so bad....

I never knew standing up for myself and my boundaries could hurt so bad... Is detaching really a good thing??
Detaching is the only thing that will keep your sanity, health and your spirit. I would not be bringing him any food or seeing him when he is high. You have to choose - either you accept him high (and than you have to see him high, spend dinners with him high, holidays, take vacations, etc) OR you set a boundary that you will not be in his life while he is using. There is no in between here with heroin. You are dealing with a mentally ill person who is refusing treatment. It's like imagine you have a totally drunk guy, who can't move off the floor and you are asking him to spend Easter with you, be normal, talk normal, etc. And he is half dead on the floor. Well, heroin is worse- they can stand (when not nodding), but there is NOTHING NO FEELING inside. That pain you feel, that sorrow, he doesn't feel it. My ex used to tell me when he was in jail for 2 years - when I am using, I feel nothing, all I do is manipulate and pretend. You love a person that is not here currently
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Old 03-29-2016, 02:48 PM
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Wow. You hit the nail on the head. People don't understand what all goes into trying to "love someone sober" and how it does not work. It's always all about the addict.

Hugs to you. Stay strong.
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