confused2016

Ok so ah hasn't had anything since Friday, not from lack of looking. However, I now know he has plans to buy something in the morning and going into work late. I'm so tired of this, seriously 2 days no drugs why throw that away, why not just keep it up and get clean. I've told him if he doesn't stop he is going to lose me and the kids. If he doesn't stop he needs to go, however I know he won't. Any advice? It is hard because I still love him and know the man I love is still there.

CodeJob

When you warn your kids of consequences for poor behavior, do you the enforce the consequences when they keep doing or escalate their poor behaviors?

This is slightly different as its your adult partner, but their addict mentality is at the level of a child. You enforce your boundary.

If you can't, don't despair. It took me 18 years. I don't recommend that long to learn, but I would imagine there are codependents who've been stuck longer than me in a drama triangle.

Take care of you and your kids.

Ann

CodeJob said it well. Trying to guess why he does it and when he will stop, will only make you crazy.

What you need to decide, sometime soon, is how long you and your children are willing to live with his addiction in the house. Any time my son came home to live, it became a war zone. I cannot imagine young children living in that kind of chaos.

It's hard to be you, there are no happy choices here. When you are ready the answers will come.

Hugs

AnvilheadII

when i was doing crack i could get just about three days clean, doing fine, no worries.

and then that "thought" would cross my mind...hey, it's been three days, surely just a little wouldn't be a BAD thing, right???

and here comes Old Thunder flying out of Chute #3. the rodeo is ON.

just like that. you can SWEAR no, not today, and by 3pm racing home to call the dealer.

you don't want to, you really don't, but when it all gets triggered there is NOTHING else you can think of.

it really is tough to break that mind set......it CAN be done, but making that leap, man, it's like being a 5'2" 135# running back in the NFL and trying to bust thru a defensive line that averages 325 pounds. and wants to kill me.

i am only trying to share what goes thru the head of an addict when the desire for drugs hits...........

Fitchicky

Anvilhead... You're very active on this site and you have a good deal of insight and advice to offer from personal experience. Ive watched my husband do some awful stuff and it seems like the addiction just takes over all rational thinking...how did you beat it? Seems like you have your stuff together.

atalose

I used to believe the same thing………the man I loved was still there…….He wore the same clothes, at times had the same smile and often the personality of the man I fell in love with. BUT then there would be this whole other person I didn’t know and often feared. This other person lied to me, was kind and caring like the man I fell in love with, usually when he wanted something and would turn on this flow of anger as the wind blew. This other person could care less about paying bills on time and often had the best reasons and excuses for needing more and more money each month. This person shook off more responsibility as his addiction grew and got further and further into debt where of course it was never ever his fault. He blamed me, his job, his co-workers, his neighbors, his family and at times even the fault of the cat.

Looking back now the mistake I continued to make over and over again for years was in believing that the man I fell in love with was still there and I had high hopes of his full return and that this other person would go away forever.

Often the man I loved would make appearances for a few day’s even weeks at a time months even…..and with each appearance my hopes would grow that we would go back to where and how we once began. Only to be shattered by the reappearance of the evil Mr. Hyde and my Dr. Jekyll appeared less and less over the years.

A few times I believed I had the power to make Mr. Hyde disappear by using threats of leaving. Dr. Jekyll showed up even went to rehab, lived in a sober living home for months, began attending meetings and got a sponsor in order to keep Mr. Hyde from coming back. Life was good for a long while the future looked bright and happy. Soon little things began to be revealed that Mr. Hyde was lurking about and he even convinced me for a bit that I was the paranoid one. He became so present there was no way to deny it any longer. But this time Mr. Hyde was back bigger and stronger than the time before……………….

That is the life when we chose to stay with an addict. We must accept both Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde because they are one in the same and if we cannot accept them both then we have no business being in a relationship.

I know so many people whose lives are broken down into before addiction and after addiction where the middle part during active addiction is filled with chaos, financial ruin, uncertainly, mistrust, lies, manipulation and fears that feel bigger than life itself.

I’m living in the after addiction part of my life where I have peace and calm and many certainties such as the ability to never chose to live that before and during addiction life ever again.

Like many of us, you are going to have to walk as far down this path as it takes you in order to accept certain facts that right now seem to scary to face.

We can guide you, we can tell you where all the land mines are and about the monsters that jump out at you and we can offer you support but you have to walk the walk for yourself and walk it as far and long as it takes you.

zoso77

If you love him, allow him the dignity to make his own mistakes, and then give some of that love to yourself.