left behind
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Join Date: Mar 2016
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left behind
Hello, this is my 1st post ever. I'll try to make this short..
My ex boyfriend is an addict, who is now recovering. We have been together on and off since we were 17(now 24). Long story short, when he finally decided to go to rehab, he ended up leaving 2 weeks early because he was being threatened. The day he left rehab, he broke up with me saying if he couldnt last in rehab, he couldnt hold a relationship. I stayed by his side through his whole addiction and 2 suicide attempts. We still talked for a while after the break up, but now not at all, unless i initiate it. He has made new friends he's met in NA meetings, and I must admit I feel left behind. He was my best friend, I gave him a place to stay when he fam kicked him out, everything. I just feel all my hard effort has gone to waste. I still love him, and this has made me feel very depressed. Mind you, all of this happend within a few months (November-now) so everything has been so fast.
i dont know what kind of advice im looking for here, but if anyone has any to offer would be nice, none of my friends understand.
My ex boyfriend is an addict, who is now recovering. We have been together on and off since we were 17(now 24). Long story short, when he finally decided to go to rehab, he ended up leaving 2 weeks early because he was being threatened. The day he left rehab, he broke up with me saying if he couldnt last in rehab, he couldnt hold a relationship. I stayed by his side through his whole addiction and 2 suicide attempts. We still talked for a while after the break up, but now not at all, unless i initiate it. He has made new friends he's met in NA meetings, and I must admit I feel left behind. He was my best friend, I gave him a place to stay when he fam kicked him out, everything. I just feel all my hard effort has gone to waste. I still love him, and this has made me feel very depressed. Mind you, all of this happend within a few months (November-now) so everything has been so fast.
i dont know what kind of advice im looking for here, but if anyone has any to offer would be nice, none of my friends understand.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 574
Hello JJ
I am happy that you found us. You are not alone. We are always here for you to share your thoughts.
I am sorry that you are going thru this. Addictions do not make sense to those of us who are not addicted to alcohol, medications, recreational drugs and a whole host of other things.
Are you willing to consider a meeting in your area ? Alanon, Naranon, CoDA ?
Would you look at your local library for the book or book on CD - Codependent No More by Melody Beattie ?
You have spent years going back and forth. It hasn't worked before and you have found out that it is not working again. Addiction sucks the life out of everyone around the addict. It is a lifelong battle, for each person who chooses to stay. Money is always a struggle. Sometimes having food. Keeping up with bills. Working long hours and second, third jobs. Maintaining a car. etc.
Here it is often written : let go or be dragged (requoted by Ann)
It's good to remember.
Keep coming back and best wishes for peace.
Hugs to you,
Joie
I am happy that you found us. You are not alone. We are always here for you to share your thoughts.
I am sorry that you are going thru this. Addictions do not make sense to those of us who are not addicted to alcohol, medications, recreational drugs and a whole host of other things.
Are you willing to consider a meeting in your area ? Alanon, Naranon, CoDA ?
Would you look at your local library for the book or book on CD - Codependent No More by Melody Beattie ?
You have spent years going back and forth. It hasn't worked before and you have found out that it is not working again. Addiction sucks the life out of everyone around the addict. It is a lifelong battle, for each person who chooses to stay. Money is always a struggle. Sometimes having food. Keeping up with bills. Working long hours and second, third jobs. Maintaining a car. etc.
Here it is often written : let go or be dragged (requoted by Ann)
It's good to remember.
Keep coming back and best wishes for peace.
Hugs to you,
Joie
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Jas, take a good read around and you will see what it's like to remain in a relationship where addiction is present...and you may find it easier to let go.
Somewhere along the line he chose a path of using drugs and addiction. The fact that he went to rehab for a while isn't indicative of good recovery, leaving early is a sign that he wasn't ready. Rehabs are safe places, being threatened is unlikely or if it happened could have been quickly resolved.
Joie's suggestion is a very good start for you to find your balance again and make healthy choices in the future.
I am sorry for your pain but glad you found us.
Hugs
Somewhere along the line he chose a path of using drugs and addiction. The fact that he went to rehab for a while isn't indicative of good recovery, leaving early is a sign that he wasn't ready. Rehabs are safe places, being threatened is unlikely or if it happened could have been quickly resolved.
Originally Posted by JOIE12
Are you willing to consider a meeting in your area ? Alanon, Naranon, CoDA ?
Would you look at your local library for the book or book on CD - Codependent No More by Melody Beattie ?
Would you look at your local library for the book or book on CD - Codependent No More by Melody Beattie ?
I am sorry for your pain but glad you found us.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,969
Welcome Jas and so glad you found us. 17 to 24 is a long time to be together so I imagine that this must really hurt. Most of us around here have been through something like you are describing and empathize with the pain the situation inflicts.
I second the advice the others have given. Reading the stickies at the top of the forum is a good place to start too.
Big hug to you.
I second the advice the others have given. Reading the stickies at the top of the forum is a good place to start too.
Big hug to you.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
I promise there will come a day when you look back and are very, very grateful that this relationship ended when it did. I know it's horribly painful now, but he really did do you a favor. You still have your youth and now you're free to live your life without constantly being on edge.
I'm sorry you hurt. Sending you a hug.
I'm sorry you hurt. Sending you a hug.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 36
Hi JJ. Our stories sound so very similar. Supporting the EXA in our lives when everyone else turned their back to them. Their sudden disappearance once they've spent a month or two in recovery. I empathize with the pain that you are going through as I am currently going it through it myself. I know this isn't what you want to hear, but day by day, it does get better. You do get stronger. I echo the suggestions of everyone else. Find an Al-Anon meeting. Grab a copy of Codependent No More. It really is an eye opener. We are all here for you. Hugs to you!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
keep in mind that from a purely statistical standpoint, irregardless of addiction, not many teenage relationships make it very far. so part of the dynamic you are experiencing is part of the growing up process. people CHANGE - and especially from their teens thru to their 30s. you are not who you were in high school, and you are not today who you will be in 2026.
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Originally Posted by jasjas22 
. He was my best friend, I gave him a place to stay when he fam kicked him out, everything. I just feel all my hard effort has gone to waste. .
Member
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 105
Originally Posted by jasjas22
Hello, this is my 1st post ever. I'll try to make this short..
My ex boyfriend is an addict, who is now recovering. We have been together on and off since we were 17(now 24). Long story short, when he finally decided to go to rehab, he ended up leaving 2 weeks early because he was being threatened. The day he left rehab, he broke up with me saying if he couldnt last in rehab, he couldnt hold a relationship. I stayed by his side through his whole addiction and 2 suicide attempts. We still talked for a while after the break up, but now not at all, unless i initiate it. He has made new friends he's met in NA meetings, and I must admit I feel left behind. He was my best friend, I gave him a place to stay when he fam kicked him out, everything. I just feel all my hard effort has gone to waste. I still love him, and this has made me feel very depressed. Mind you, all of this happend within a few months (November-now) so everything has been so fast.
i dont know what kind of advice im looking for here, but if anyone has any to offer would be nice, none of my friends understand.
My ex boyfriend is an addict, who is now recovering. We have been together on and off since we were 17(now 24). Long story short, when he finally decided to go to rehab, he ended up leaving 2 weeks early because he was being threatened. The day he left rehab, he broke up with me saying if he couldnt last in rehab, he couldnt hold a relationship. I stayed by his side through his whole addiction and 2 suicide attempts. We still talked for a while after the break up, but now not at all, unless i initiate it. He has made new friends he's met in NA meetings, and I must admit I feel left behind. He was my best friend, I gave him a place to stay when he fam kicked him out, everything. I just feel all my hard effort has gone to waste. I still love him, and this has made me feel very depressed. Mind you, all of this happend within a few months (November-now) so everything has been so fast.
i dont know what kind of advice im looking for here, but if anyone has any to offer would be nice, none of my friends understand.
Stay Strong I know it's not easy and when i read your post, my heart broke all over for you because it felt like de ja vu... The one thing that has stuck with me is when someone told me givers like us are no good for people who need to be held accountable for their actions, we are too easy on them and do more harm than good for them
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Break ups are hard and I am sorry you lost y our best friend. A couple of things jumped out at me and take what you want and leave the rest moving forward…………
When family has had enough of someone’s issues whether it’s drinking or drugs or anger or whatever and that person is asked to leave the home…………..it’s not a good idea to then invite them into yours.
When we choose to do something for someone, help them out, be their friend, offer them money, food a roof over their heads, we should do that because that’s what we want to do and should not expect anything in return.
With some addicts/alcoholics even expecting a thank you may be asking for too much.
You feel like your efforts have gone to waste……..but maybe those efforts are a life lesson for you and will guide you on making different choices in the future.
When family has had enough of someone’s issues whether it’s drinking or drugs or anger or whatever and that person is asked to leave the home…………..it’s not a good idea to then invite them into yours.
When we choose to do something for someone, help them out, be their friend, offer them money, food a roof over their heads, we should do that because that’s what we want to do and should not expect anything in return.
With some addicts/alcoholics even expecting a thank you may be asking for too much.
You feel like your efforts have gone to waste……..but maybe those efforts are a life lesson for you and will guide you on making different choices in the future.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 6
Originally Posted by atalose
Break ups are hard and I am sorry you lost y our best friend. A couple of things jumped out at me and take what you want and leave the rest moving forward…………
When family has had enough of someone’s issues whether it’s drinking or drugs or anger or whatever and that person is asked to leave the home…………..it’s not a good idea to then invite them into yours.
When we choose to do something for someone, help them out, be their friend, offer them money, food a roof over their heads, we should do that because that’s what we want to do and should not expect anything in return.
With some addicts/alcoholics even expecting a thank you may be asking for too much.
You feel like your efforts have gone to waste……..but maybe those efforts are a life lesson for you and will guide you on making different choices in the future.
When family has had enough of someone’s issues whether it’s drinking or drugs or anger or whatever and that person is asked to leave the home…………..it’s not a good idea to then invite them into yours.
When we choose to do something for someone, help them out, be their friend, offer them money, food a roof over their heads, we should do that because that’s what we want to do and should not expect anything in return.
With some addicts/alcoholics even expecting a thank you may be asking for too much.
You feel like your efforts have gone to waste……..but maybe those efforts are a life lesson for you and will guide you on making different choices in the future.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 6
Originally Posted by Linzey0706
Hi! I am going through weirdly almost the same exact situation. Mine even started in Nov. as well. Only difference is I had no idea my boyfriend of 6 years (ages 15-21) was into heroine. I always bailed him out of "bad luck". Gave him money, picked his car up, brought him food, let him live with me.. You name it I did it all while being naive to the entire situation. Looking back I knew something was off but couldn't put my finger on it, chalked it up to growing apart. Anyway, after my ex got out of rehab after I flew to see him on family weekend, he left me.. For a few weeks he still told me he loved me but after that he stopped answering didn't want to talk told me to basically leave him alone. Very similarly we only talk now when I initiate conversation. I feel for you because it is the most painful situation, but it is getting better and I hope you feel it as well. I don't feel the need to talk to him all the time anymore, but the wounds are still raw...I will have really good days and then horrible weeks for multiple weeks. Stay strong, there is a lot of support in this group and I find reading posts here on days where I sit there and say WTF when did my world get turned upside down without me noticing REALLY helps, there is a lot of people with good knowledge in this group and although I am not at the point where I am thankful he left me yet, I am confident someday I will thank him for not letting me go through his inconsistent life because from everything I see, an addicts life is very inconsistent especially early in recovery whether they are serious about it or now.
Stay Strong I know it's not easy and when i read your post, my heart broke all over for you because it felt like de ja vu... The one thing that has stuck with me is when someone told me givers like us are no good for people who need to be held accountable for their actions, we are too easy on them and do more harm than good for them
Stay Strong I know it's not easy and when i read your post, my heart broke all over for you because it felt like de ja vu... The one thing that has stuck with me is when someone told me givers like us are no good for people who need to be held accountable for their actions, we are too easy on them and do more harm than good for them
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 6
Originally Posted by teatreeoil007
I don't know about anyone else, but it is the sense of waste that really gets to me sometimes. Why is that? Well, possibly the sense that you have wasted so much also creates a sense of loss and loss creates grief. So, it's a grieving process. As you've said, it's all happened pretty fast and sometimes we don't get the time to adequately grieve like we should because we are also busy living life. Hang in there and take it one day at a time. Do lots of nice things for yourself. You will heal, but it does take time.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
jasjas...
I'm late in responding to this. Welcome to the Board.
Allow me to gently suggest he's given you the gift of freedom. Someone in active addiction is operating at a deficit. They are so busy poisoning themselves, they don't have anything left to give to anyone. So in that regard, your breakup isn't about you. It's about him and his current limitations.
You point out that he's made friends in the program. That may be, but how many of those friendships have a foundation under them? People in the program quickly form bonds over common experiences. But their boundaries are so permeable, those friendships are often unhealthy, and they often come at the expense of their other relationships. We see this all the time.
The only thing you can do, jasjas, is keep the focus on yourself and your healing process. Read as much as you can here. You're going to be OK, in time...
I'm late in responding to this. Welcome to the Board.
Allow me to gently suggest he's given you the gift of freedom. Someone in active addiction is operating at a deficit. They are so busy poisoning themselves, they don't have anything left to give to anyone. So in that regard, your breakup isn't about you. It's about him and his current limitations.
You point out that he's made friends in the program. That may be, but how many of those friendships have a foundation under them? People in the program quickly form bonds over common experiences. But their boundaries are so permeable, those friendships are often unhealthy, and they often come at the expense of their other relationships. We see this all the time.
The only thing you can do, jasjas, is keep the focus on yourself and your healing process. Read as much as you can here. You're going to be OK, in time...
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: milwaukee wi
Posts: 3,574
Dear young lady you hold on to these grand people of faith and hope and words with love.. so tight... we have all gone through this or are going through this yet.. same bits of thought .. no matter what we try..
Here it is often written : let go or be dragged (requoted by Ann)
It's good to remember.
prayers and love for a brighter tomorrow..
Here it is often written : let go or be dragged (requoted by Ann)
It's good to remember.
prayers and love for a brighter tomorrow..
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,969
Originally Posted by teatreeoil007
I don't know about anyone else, but it is the sense of waste that really gets to me sometimes. Why is that? Well, possibly the sense that you have wasted so much also creates a sense of loss and loss creates grief. So, it's a grieving process. As you've said, it's all happened pretty fast and sometimes we don't get the time to adequately grieve like we should because we are also busy living life. Hang in there and take it one day at a time. Do lots of nice things for yourself. You will heal, but it does take time.
With time I have been able to milk the experience for lots of wisdom, humility and understanding of myself. All of this has been of substantial value but I still miss the pretty dreams I had before the meth took my beloved.
Jaja, I hope you are healing. Keep posting and we will do our best to support you.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 105
Thinking of you
Stopping in to let you know I am thinking of you!!! Woke up with the strong urge to see how you are doing...Whether today is a "good" day or a difficult one, always remember higher power has the perfect plan for each of us
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 6
Originally Posted by Linzey0706
Stopping in to let you know I am thinking of you!!! Woke up with the strong urge to see how you are doing...Whether today is a "good" day or a difficult one, always remember higher power has the perfect plan for each of us
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: milwaukee wi
Posts: 3,574
Dear Young Lady.. it does take time to have you find the correct path.. and use a light that will allow you to find the right things to be happy with.. trust me Dear Heart... when an Old Lady Clown says these things it comes from the bottom of her Heart.. Time nothing is messed up in a blink of an eye and nothing is corrected in a blink of an eye.. one thing that is blinked is today.. so St. Pats Days 2016. woot woot woot woot.. how are you going to find that gold coin. hear that laughter and listen to the beat of a Piper Drum Corp.. and stomp those feet and shout and laugh for this is Life at its best ..love and shamrocks Ardith Ann Richter a very much better lady of sorrow.. yep.. love to all kiss a Cop for Luck its St. Pats Day..
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