New and trying to take it one day at a time...
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Join Date: Mar 2016
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New and trying to take it one day at a time...
Hi all! New here. Have been drawn to reading your stories in the forum, yet have never taken the plunge to divulge my own. Starting the sharing process needs to come sooner rather than later to truly heal, so here goes... Thank you in advance for reading!!
My relationship with my EXA began 13 years ago. The first moment I saw him, it was an instant attraction. That magical kind of chemistry that you never quite expect and smacks you straight in the face. For years, our paths crossed and diverged, and a friendship and relationship always remained.
Six years ago, our paths crossed again and a romantic relationship emerged. After years of yearning for each other, we were finally together and things were, of course, perfect. Or so they seemed. After the initial honeymoon period, we began having explosive fights. After the first six months, I learned why. The man whom I loved was an opiate addict. I'll never forget the first time he told me. The night before Easter, April 3, 2010. We were having yet another explosive fight and he finally broke down. He had been crushing and snorting pills for years. He had experimented with every type of drug under the sun, but opiates were his drug of choice. He had stopped during our first few months together, but couldn't quite kick the habit. My head told me to run. Run far far away. Yet, he and my heart convinced me to stay. They told me it would be okay. He wanted to quit. He loved me. I wanted to believe that it would be okay.
Years flew by. Periods of sobriety. Periods of relapse. Too many break ups and fights to keep track of. Times when we tried to separate. Yet there was something that always drew us back to one another. At the time, I thought it was true love. I now know, it was addiction. Our mutual addiction to each other.
October 2012 brought his rock bottom in terms of his narcotics addiction. It also brought a few months break between the two of us. It was only a matter of time before we were brought back together.
Late 2014, things finally came to a head and we broke. We both began casually dating other people. Or so I thought. Yet, every two weeks, like clockwork, I would receive a late night phone call from him. Crying. Professing his love for me. I broke and rescued him. Every. Single. Time.
Things continued on this way until Sept. 5, 2015. On this day, I found out that he had been carrying on a double life. He had met and been dating another girl for the past year. They were living together. She was stalking me online. Everywhere I stepped, there was a land mine. How could this have happened to me?
He came clean and admitted everything. He had hit rock bottom. Again. He admitted he was also an alcoholic.
For two months, I continued to support him as a friend. Over the past year, I thought I had become stronger. Slowly but surely, old habits of poor communication began to steep in and I felt myself slowly breaking again. Then one day, he came over to "talk". We were no longer to talk anymore. He needed to focus on himself. He needed to learn to love himself. I was BURSTING with pride. I was crying both of out happiness and out of sadness. Finally, he was going to learn to love himself. Finally, he was going to see the beautiful, compassionate man that I've always known him to be.
Months of no contact have followed. Most of them have passed rather easily as I had assumed he was following through on his promise. He wasn't going to date. He was going to work on himself. He was going to learn to love himself. Love himself and love the man that I've loved for the past 13 years. A week ago I learned that he is back with the girl he had lied to me about for an entire year. She had taken him back. I was floored. I still am. It hurts every day. I know that it shouldn't. But it does.
I finally realized. I am a co-addict. I thought that I was stronger than his addictions. I thought that I could handle this. I attended my first Al-Anon meeting this week. I spent the entire time trying not to cry. Many days, I find myself fighting off tears.
I am now starting to work the steps myself. I will get through this. Day by day. Week by week. I will learn to let go. I will become stronger. And I will get through this.
Thank you in advance for both reading this entire novel and for any support that you can offer!
My relationship with my EXA began 13 years ago. The first moment I saw him, it was an instant attraction. That magical kind of chemistry that you never quite expect and smacks you straight in the face. For years, our paths crossed and diverged, and a friendship and relationship always remained.
Six years ago, our paths crossed again and a romantic relationship emerged. After years of yearning for each other, we were finally together and things were, of course, perfect. Or so they seemed. After the initial honeymoon period, we began having explosive fights. After the first six months, I learned why. The man whom I loved was an opiate addict. I'll never forget the first time he told me. The night before Easter, April 3, 2010. We were having yet another explosive fight and he finally broke down. He had been crushing and snorting pills for years. He had experimented with every type of drug under the sun, but opiates were his drug of choice. He had stopped during our first few months together, but couldn't quite kick the habit. My head told me to run. Run far far away. Yet, he and my heart convinced me to stay. They told me it would be okay. He wanted to quit. He loved me. I wanted to believe that it would be okay.
Years flew by. Periods of sobriety. Periods of relapse. Too many break ups and fights to keep track of. Times when we tried to separate. Yet there was something that always drew us back to one another. At the time, I thought it was true love. I now know, it was addiction. Our mutual addiction to each other.
October 2012 brought his rock bottom in terms of his narcotics addiction. It also brought a few months break between the two of us. It was only a matter of time before we were brought back together.
Late 2014, things finally came to a head and we broke. We both began casually dating other people. Or so I thought. Yet, every two weeks, like clockwork, I would receive a late night phone call from him. Crying. Professing his love for me. I broke and rescued him. Every. Single. Time.
Things continued on this way until Sept. 5, 2015. On this day, I found out that he had been carrying on a double life. He had met and been dating another girl for the past year. They were living together. She was stalking me online. Everywhere I stepped, there was a land mine. How could this have happened to me?
He came clean and admitted everything. He had hit rock bottom. Again. He admitted he was also an alcoholic.
For two months, I continued to support him as a friend. Over the past year, I thought I had become stronger. Slowly but surely, old habits of poor communication began to steep in and I felt myself slowly breaking again. Then one day, he came over to "talk". We were no longer to talk anymore. He needed to focus on himself. He needed to learn to love himself. I was BURSTING with pride. I was crying both of out happiness and out of sadness. Finally, he was going to learn to love himself. Finally, he was going to see the beautiful, compassionate man that I've always known him to be.
Months of no contact have followed. Most of them have passed rather easily as I had assumed he was following through on his promise. He wasn't going to date. He was going to work on himself. He was going to learn to love himself. Love himself and love the man that I've loved for the past 13 years. A week ago I learned that he is back with the girl he had lied to me about for an entire year. She had taken him back. I was floored. I still am. It hurts every day. I know that it shouldn't. But it does.
I finally realized. I am a co-addict. I thought that I was stronger than his addictions. I thought that I could handle this. I attended my first Al-Anon meeting this week. I spent the entire time trying not to cry. Many days, I find myself fighting off tears.
I am now starting to work the steps myself. I will get through this. Day by day. Week by week. I will learn to let go. I will become stronger. And I will get through this.
Thank you in advance for both reading this entire novel and for any support that you can offer!
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,999
Welcome Curly. I am glad you found us.
It sure sounds like you are on the right track no matter how hard it is. The grieving for such a loss can only be intense. We humans tend not to be good at admitting our part in the situation so I'm super impressed that you see yourself as a "coaddict".
Please do everything you can to take care of yourself: eat well, exercise, spend time with good people and if you have every had any niggling dreams (learn to play the piano, visit Costa Rica, write, collect egg cups, knit toaster covers, ANYTHING), now is a good time to think about that. (When I left my XmethBF, I went to Bolivia and learned Spanish. I still pretty good at speaking it!)
It sure sounds like you are on the right track no matter how hard it is. The grieving for such a loss can only be intense. We humans tend not to be good at admitting our part in the situation so I'm super impressed that you see yourself as a "coaddict".
Please do everything you can to take care of yourself: eat well, exercise, spend time with good people and if you have every had any niggling dreams (learn to play the piano, visit Costa Rica, write, collect egg cups, knit toaster covers, ANYTHING), now is a good time to think about that. (When I left my XmethBF, I went to Bolivia and learned Spanish. I still pretty good at speaking it!)
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: South Yorkshire, Great Britain
Posts: 205
Welcome to SR Curly
You have been through so much but you sound like a very strong lady. Well done for coming through this n getting the help you need.
You have come to the right place, theres lots of help n support on here.
Take care xxx
You have been through so much but you sound like a very strong lady. Well done for coming through this n getting the help you need.
You have come to the right place, theres lots of help n support on here.
Take care xxx
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 36
thanks so much for your kind words and encouragement. though we've never met in person, it truly means a lot.
the worse part of this whole situation is that deep down, I am so hurt. I wish I could be angry at him. I wish I could scream and yell and curse the day that I met him. I wish that I could blame him for all of this hurt that I am going through. However, the truth of the matter is that this is no more his fault than it is my own. It is the disease. And I allowed myself to become consumed by it. I allowed myself to stay.
Coincidentally, my company offered me an international position a few months ago, right around the time that our no contact began. I will be moving in two months. The timing could not be any worse or any better.
Again, thank you so much for your kind words. Reading your stories and knowing your strength lets me know that I will overcome this hurt one day.
the worse part of this whole situation is that deep down, I am so hurt. I wish I could be angry at him. I wish I could scream and yell and curse the day that I met him. I wish that I could blame him for all of this hurt that I am going through. However, the truth of the matter is that this is no more his fault than it is my own. It is the disease. And I allowed myself to become consumed by it. I allowed myself to stay.
Coincidentally, my company offered me an international position a few months ago, right around the time that our no contact began. I will be moving in two months. The timing could not be any worse or any better.
Again, thank you so much for your kind words. Reading your stories and knowing your strength lets me know that I will overcome this hurt one day.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
my company offered me an international position a few months ago
what an INCREDIBLE opportunity! regardless of the other stuff, i'm glad you said yes.
However, the truth of the matter is that this is no more his fault than it is my own. It is the disease.
the disease does not make us take up with other people while pretending to be committed to someone else. THAT is on him....he was two timing and dosey doe-in' you for a LONG time....drugs did NOT make him do that. mr. wonderful wasn't quite so wonderful after all.
altho it hurts, you can begin to heal now. you're on the right path. and don't be surprised if one day your anger DOES find you.
what an INCREDIBLE opportunity! regardless of the other stuff, i'm glad you said yes.
However, the truth of the matter is that this is no more his fault than it is my own. It is the disease.
the disease does not make us take up with other people while pretending to be committed to someone else. THAT is on him....he was two timing and dosey doe-in' you for a LONG time....drugs did NOT make him do that. mr. wonderful wasn't quite so wonderful after all.
altho it hurts, you can begin to heal now. you're on the right path. and don't be surprised if one day your anger DOES find you.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,999
Congrats on the international position. I so hope it will be a good change for you and that it is a country in which you have an interest.
I'm with Anvil on the anger thing. This may hit you later. Yippee
Also not a fun emotion.
Big hug to you Curly. You sound like an amazing person.
I'm with Anvil on the anger thing. This may hit you later. Yippee
Also not a fun emotion. Big hug to you Curly. You sound like an amazing person.
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Curly-So sorry for your pain and sorrow. I don't know about you, but as if the addiction component wasn't bad enough, the fact that he had another relationship going on other than yours is a triple blow! That just burns me big time and it has happened to me before. I felt so betrayed. I am the kind of person that when I invest of myself in a relationship and it is thought there is mutual devotion, it really hurts to find out they are also devoted to someone else. I don't get it. Who has TIME to carry on with two people like that? I sure never have...I found out when I was literally working my butt off at a full time demanding job, my boyfriend at the time who was still in college was out playing a lot and I was okay with him having some fun, but when I found out his playing around while I was working including other women, I just couldn't accept that. It hurt, yes, but I don't know what hurt more; him playing around or finding out he was a man I could not respect and he wasn't a partner. He loved me sure. But he wanted to play, while I worked. It didnt' work out. I ended up feeling cheated, in more ways than one.
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Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 137
Hi Curly, thank you for your story. Every time I feel weak, sad or angry, I find inspiration in strong people here just like you. Thank you. Congratulations to the assignment and I am sure you will also feel better after few months with no contact with your ex. It's for the best. Take care.
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Join Date: Mar 2016
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All of the love and support that I've received through SR has been invaluable. Thank you all, again, so much. I don't feel nearly as strong as you are giving me credit for, but day by day, I'm hoping to get there.
I guess the thing that bothers me the most is: Why do I suddenly care? When I thought that he was alone, I was happy for him. I was proud of him. Now that he's back with her, I'm devastated. Maybe it's because I'm jealous. I stuck by him for 6 years of addictions. Why does she get to benefit from all of the good now that he is in recovery? And why did she take him back? She told me that they could never even be friends after what he did to both of us. Is he still in recovery? Is he still going to his meetings? Seeing his therapist? All of these questions constantly swirling around in my head...
I guess the thing that bothers me the most is: Why do I suddenly care? When I thought that he was alone, I was happy for him. I was proud of him. Now that he's back with her, I'm devastated. Maybe it's because I'm jealous. I stuck by him for 6 years of addictions. Why does she get to benefit from all of the good now that he is in recovery? And why did she take him back? She told me that they could never even be friends after what he did to both of us. Is he still in recovery? Is he still going to his meetings? Seeing his therapist? All of these questions constantly swirling around in my head...
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 574
It seems that the 'addiction' we develop with our addict, is all too common.
We need to work the steps just like we know our addict must.
Often we can sit back and sort of 'blame' everything on the addict, but we have a responsibility to ourselves to discover our own reason for staying in a relationship that was doomed to fail, since it was never based upon the truth anyways.
It doesn't change missing someone, or wanting them there, like they 'used' to be ... but like not taking that next drink, or next pill, or syringe full of H .... we need to keep fighting just as hard to NOT contact our addict, to KEEP boundaries in place, etc.
Read your story years from now, and you will see what we can see when we read it. Our mind plays tricks on us when we ignore the obvious.
I am wishing you great strength to continue on your life path ... take the job, so long as it is in a relatively safe place and enjoy a new experience ! Life around the globe is something truly amazing.
Hugs to you my friend
Joie
We need to work the steps just like we know our addict must.
Often we can sit back and sort of 'blame' everything on the addict, but we have a responsibility to ourselves to discover our own reason for staying in a relationship that was doomed to fail, since it was never based upon the truth anyways.
It doesn't change missing someone, or wanting them there, like they 'used' to be ... but like not taking that next drink, or next pill, or syringe full of H .... we need to keep fighting just as hard to NOT contact our addict, to KEEP boundaries in place, etc.
Read your story years from now, and you will see what we can see when we read it. Our mind plays tricks on us when we ignore the obvious.
I am wishing you great strength to continue on your life path ... take the job, so long as it is in a relatively safe place and enjoy a new experience ! Life around the globe is something truly amazing.
Hugs to you my friend
Joie
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Join Date: Mar 2016
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Update: I think the tip of the iceberg of the "anger" is starting to surface. I was thinking about it today. Why am I sitting here, sad and grieving someone who only brought an emotional rollercoaster of pain into my life? Why does he get to be the one who is happy? He's in a relationship, he just started a business. Everything seems to be falling perfectly into place for him. He's the one who has caused this mess. And yet everyone in his life is just sweeping it up for him. As always. And I can certainly predict that they are all pointing their fingers at me as the "bad guy". The one that he was still seeing. The one that they all hate. The one that they've all hate the entire time we were together. The whole situation is infuriating.
Ugh... Rant over. Thanks for listening!!
Ugh... Rant over. Thanks for listening!!
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,999
Hey Curly, you, in this horrible place of suffering, are probably closer to healing and peace than he is in what looks like success.
Getting into a relationship so soon and his double life doesn't indicate much of a recovery. I'm afraid the prize this other woman gets at the bottom of the box of addiction will be chaos and pain.
Bring on the rants! We can take them. Each day of pain, grief and anger is a day closer to healing for you. Welcome each of these days the best you can.
Getting into a relationship so soon and his double life doesn't indicate much of a recovery. I'm afraid the prize this other woman gets at the bottom of the box of addiction will be chaos and pain.
Bring on the rants! We can take them. Each day of pain, grief and anger is a day closer to healing for you. Welcome each of these days the best you can.
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Join Date: Mar 2016
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I took the advice of many on this forum and ordered a copy of Codependent No More. I opened it up today and flipped open to the chapter on Removing the Victim. Finally. A eureka moment. I was trapped in the Karpman Drama Triangle. As I read through the chapter, I found myself saying "thats EXACTLY what I did" the entire time. When he first confessed his drug use to me in 2010, I told him that I couldn't do it. I couldn't be in a relationship with him anymore. I told him that I had to walk away from him. I'll never forget what he said to me next "but I love you and I can't do it without you". Right there, I was pulled in. And in that moment, I became the co-addict. I became his rescuer. And from that moment on, I tried to rescue him from everything. He let his car insurance lapse. Well let me go online and look it up for you and fix it. You need your taxes done? Well don't mind the fact that I'm juggling a FT job and law school. Let me do them for you. You're completely wasted at 3:00 AM and need a ride home. Sure, I'll come get you. Don't worry about the fact that I only got home from class 4 hours ago and have to be up in 4 hours to go to work to earn a living.
And then, when my effort weren't appreciated, I'd get angry with him. So angry. And so resentful. And then I would be bitter. Or I would explode. Him being the addict that he was, of course he had no idea what I was angry about. He lived most of his life in a drug induced and/or alcohol induced haze. What a vicious cycle....
And then, when my effort weren't appreciated, I'd get angry with him. So angry. And so resentful. And then I would be bitter. Or I would explode. Him being the addict that he was, of course he had no idea what I was angry about. He lived most of his life in a drug induced and/or alcohol induced haze. What a vicious cycle....
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Join Date: Aug 2015
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This right here would get me too>>>>""but I love you and I can't do it without you". Right there, I was pulled in. And in that moment, I became the co-addict. I became his rescuer. And from that moment on".
I always want to be the hero saving people when in reality I don't even do very well taking care of myself.
Courage and healing to you Curly!
I always want to be the hero saving people when in reality I don't even do very well taking care of myself.
Courage and healing to you Curly!
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Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 137
Hey curly, i had similar wmotions goimg on this weekend. Saw first picture of my EXAB after month. I know he has a good job now again and he looked happy on that picture. It made me wonder. And it made me sad that i am no longer part of his life now when he /might/ be happy again. BUT reading your post i realized tha t neither my ex nor yours did work on their recovery. Here we are, taking small steps, starting to feel better, ordering books, posting on SR..etc. We are working on being authentic ourselves again. It takes time, its painful at times. But we do what we HAVE to do. Look at them. They need new girlfriend /someone who make them feel good about themselves while they dont invest the time to develop and cure/. I think my ex is just looking for "quick fix". Change job, environment, people BUT he doest admit to himself he has real problem and it requires a lot of hard work, perhaps loneliness to get on top of it. He lives very similar life he used to and its only matter of time before the cyrcle repeats, he breaks someone's heart and leaves and makes his quick fix. Reading tour story makes me realize the things are not always the way they look like on the surface. I know ot from my relationship and im sure u know it from urs. Keep going strong. The hard work will be rewarded!
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Join Date: Mar 2016
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You guys are so right. As much as it hurts to see him happy and know that I'm missing out on it, I know deep down inside that this happiness is fleeting. Even though all I've ever wanted for him is to be happy, if he hasn't done the hard work to work on himself/his coping skills/the underlying reason for his addictions, it will only be a matter of time before those demons resurface.
The only thing that makes me think that this relationship may last is the fact that the girl he is with is a social worker. Once he came clean to both of us about the double life, she began e-mailing me and diagnosing his dual-diagnosis. She basically blamed me for the entire thing and tried to psycho-analyze me as well. Maybe he's found his perfect match. Someone who enjoys dealing with a little bit of crazy... Oh well....on to bigger and better things for the remainder of my day. Thanks as always for all of the love and support!
The only thing that makes me think that this relationship may last is the fact that the girl he is with is a social worker. Once he came clean to both of us about the double life, she began e-mailing me and diagnosing his dual-diagnosis. She basically blamed me for the entire thing and tried to psycho-analyze me as well. Maybe he's found his perfect match. Someone who enjoys dealing with a little bit of crazy... Oh well....on to bigger and better things for the remainder of my day. Thanks as always for all of the love and support!
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