Is this enabling?
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Originally Posted by Littlelight17 
Ive been lurking SR on & off for over a year now, but finally joined today. Ended things with my boyfriend last Tuesday and still have so many mixed emotions about it all due to the circumstances. Looking back on it now, I wonder if I was enabling or just being helpful. The XAB didn't have a computer, never used the Internet, so I would help him by looking for jobs online in his area and applying for him. I've lost count of how many jobs I've applied him for. Due to a felony it's pretty hard for him to land a job. He also has no license, so getting to businesses to fill out applications isn't easy. We have been long distance for months now otherwise I would let him borrow my laptop to fill out applications on his own. I've never given him money, so I never identified as an enabler. In October he told me he was sick of living in active addiction and wanted help. I looked for rehabs his insurance covered, made phone calls, looked up meetings in his area, all that. I like to think he couldn't do those things for himself since he doesn't have a computer/internet. If my efforts were geared toward him getting help, is that still enabling because he should've done it on his own? I most definitely am codependent. I recognize that in myself, but enabler... you decide. Just looking for insight. This is my first post, but I'm sure there will be more to come.
In a more detailed answer to your OP:
It all depends. There are a lot of details we don't know about your ex boyfriend; how capable he is or isn't at this time.
Here the deal about some addicts who (finally) come to a place of being sick and tired of being sick and tired and want help: They are so low; maybe so depressed and soooo sick they are not up to ANYTHING. Some folks hit that infamous "rock bottom" we've all heard about and that's different for everyone. Some are in such bad condition by the time they have reached that point...they don't want to get out of bed, they don't want to eat, they don't want to take a shower or get dressed. And the list goes one. They might present as dazed and confused. They are sick, they are ill. Some are capable of operating a computer or making some phone calls, but many of them are NOT. I mean, yeah, in a perfect world no one would hit rock bottom and everyone would be able to fend for themselves. No one would get so sick they can't take care of themselves either. But that's not reality.
So, I just don't know how capable or incapable your xbf is right now, hon. Wish I could be more helpful or specific than this.
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Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 104
[QUOTE=Littlelight17;5817312]MissUs, your story sounds so similar to mine (about the mother) it's crazy. She won't let him hit his bottom. She's also his #1 enabler. He's told me in the past that she's even given him prescription pain pills and Xanax (one of the many drugs hes abused). She's a nurse and I always wonder if she steals meds from her work. I wouldn't put it past her. Growing up my xab was tortured/molested by his step father and I feel like his mother carries a lot of guilt for staying in that relationship and exposing her kids to that, so now she wants to give them whatever they want. Even if that means enabling his addiction. I think it makes her feel better in a weird way.[/QUOTE"
Yeah. Especially that last sentence. I've chronically felt the need to be needed though I haven't had a child to take it out on. For me, it's been important to realize that the need to feel needed is an addiction in itself that not only hurts me, but hurts the target as well.
Yeah. Especially that last sentence. I've chronically felt the need to be needed though I haven't had a child to take it out on. For me, it's been important to realize that the need to feel needed is an addiction in itself that not only hurts me, but hurts the target as well.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 12
Thank you for all the responses. I'm trying my hardest to be positive and get through this. We always talked about how sad it would be if we were strangers years down the line. I think that's my biggest fear. I wish I could keep him in my life, but still move on. Near impossible? Probably. But thanks again everyone.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 234
With my son I always ask myself if I would do this for a stranger before I do something for him. I also take into account if he is appreciative of what I'm doing. But mainly it boils down to i will do it if I want to and if I don't I won't. He also knows that just because I do something one time it doesn't mean i will do it the next time. Do only what you are comfortable with. Good luck.
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