The Difference Between Giving Up and Letting Go
Nature Girl
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Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
The Difference Between Giving Up and Letting Go
I was reading through some oldies but goodies in the sticky threads at the top of this forum and it occurred to me that some of these were posted long ago and maybe it's time to post it again for all the newcomers and people who may have missed it first time round.
It is already in the Stickies and will remain there, but by bringing it down here maybe we can get some more current responses and comments on what this means to you.
Give it a read and some thought and then maybe share what this means to you.
What is the difference between giving up and letting go?
Giving up signals hopelessness. When we give up without letting go, we are often embittered, angry and frustrated.
And that anger and frustration is understandable since, at times, loving a person who is abusing alcohol or other drugs can be exasperating. Just when you think things are getting better, it becomes clear that they aren't. Just when you think that your loved one is getting recovery, you find that they aren't.
After awhile, the ups and downs of the cycles of relapse and recovery can wear away even the most patient co-addict's nerves.
So, what's a person to do? Put up with it? Run away? Kick them out? Yell and scream? For each person, the decision of how to deal with a loved one's repeated relapses is a personal one. Yet, some actions can be more effective than others...and so the key word is decision.
Many of us feel responsible for the addicts in our life, as if we should be able to make it all better for them. But, the fact is, another person's behavior is their responsibility, not ours, just as our own behavior is our own responsibility. And that is where letting go comes in.
The Serenity Prayer clarifies the importance and difficulty of letting go of others' behaviors. In it, we ask God for the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, the courage to change the things we can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
While it is almost impossible to change someone else, trying to do so feels more important (and is in some ways easier) than putting our focus on that which we can change, namely, ourselves. Yet, when we keep trying to do something we cannot do instead of doing that which we can do, we just get crazier and crazier often without making any headway at all.
Letting go is hopeful, yet realistic. In doing so, we admit our own powerlessness to change the addict, while putting faith in a Higher Power who can do so. Though we know there are no guarantees, in letting go we gain serenity and courage to put our change mechanism into place where it needs to be: on ourselves.
The phrase Let Go and Let God says it all. Yet, letting go and letting God is probably one of the most difficult things a co-addict can do. When we truly let go and let God, we put our loved ones in the hands of a Power that can help them, while relieving ourselves of the burden of having to singlehandedly change other people.
This does not mean we give up on the addict. It simply means we let go of the results of our efforts. We love our addict and give them our honest, loving feedback without needing them to listen to us or do what we say. We accept them exactly as they are and put outcomes in the hands of God as we understand God. Then, we work on ourselves.
When we do this, we become models of recovery for the people we love. They get to look at themselves without our constantly guilting them, and their chances of recovery increase as they get the chance to see themselves without having our yelling or nagging (which we have stopped doing) to blame for their problems.
Beverly A. Buncher, MA, CEC, CLPF
It is already in the Stickies and will remain there, but by bringing it down here maybe we can get some more current responses and comments on what this means to you.
Give it a read and some thought and then maybe share what this means to you.
What is the difference between giving up and letting go?
Giving up signals hopelessness. When we give up without letting go, we are often embittered, angry and frustrated.
And that anger and frustration is understandable since, at times, loving a person who is abusing alcohol or other drugs can be exasperating. Just when you think things are getting better, it becomes clear that they aren't. Just when you think that your loved one is getting recovery, you find that they aren't.
After awhile, the ups and downs of the cycles of relapse and recovery can wear away even the most patient co-addict's nerves.
So, what's a person to do? Put up with it? Run away? Kick them out? Yell and scream? For each person, the decision of how to deal with a loved one's repeated relapses is a personal one. Yet, some actions can be more effective than others...and so the key word is decision.
Many of us feel responsible for the addicts in our life, as if we should be able to make it all better for them. But, the fact is, another person's behavior is their responsibility, not ours, just as our own behavior is our own responsibility. And that is where letting go comes in.
The Serenity Prayer clarifies the importance and difficulty of letting go of others' behaviors. In it, we ask God for the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, the courage to change the things we can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
While it is almost impossible to change someone else, trying to do so feels more important (and is in some ways easier) than putting our focus on that which we can change, namely, ourselves. Yet, when we keep trying to do something we cannot do instead of doing that which we can do, we just get crazier and crazier often without making any headway at all.
Letting go is hopeful, yet realistic. In doing so, we admit our own powerlessness to change the addict, while putting faith in a Higher Power who can do so. Though we know there are no guarantees, in letting go we gain serenity and courage to put our change mechanism into place where it needs to be: on ourselves.
The phrase Let Go and Let God says it all. Yet, letting go and letting God is probably one of the most difficult things a co-addict can do. When we truly let go and let God, we put our loved ones in the hands of a Power that can help them, while relieving ourselves of the burden of having to singlehandedly change other people.
This does not mean we give up on the addict. It simply means we let go of the results of our efforts. We love our addict and give them our honest, loving feedback without needing them to listen to us or do what we say. We accept them exactly as they are and put outcomes in the hands of God as we understand God. Then, we work on ourselves.
When we do this, we become models of recovery for the people we love. They get to look at themselves without our constantly guilting them, and their chances of recovery increase as they get the chance to see themselves without having our yelling or nagging (which we have stopped doing) to blame for their problems.
Beverly A. Buncher, MA, CEC, CLPF
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
I let go fairly easy after I finally found acceptance: this is a disease I can't control, didn't cause, and can't cure.
As far as giving up, I learned to apply that to myself: I won't do it, not ever
As far as giving up, I learned to apply that to myself: I won't do it, not ever
Nature Girl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Many of us feel responsible for the addicts in our life, as if we should be able to make it all better for them. But, the fact is, another person's behavior is their responsibility, not ours, just as our own behavior is our own responsibility. And that is where letting go comes in.
The Serenity Prayer clarifies the importance and difficulty of letting go of others' behaviors. In it, we ask God for the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, the courage to change the things we can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
The Serenity Prayer clarifies the importance and difficulty of letting go of others' behaviors. In it, we ask God for the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, the courage to change the things we can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
In spite of all that, he was a loving, gentle, sweet and funny person who would never lift a hand to anyone...until addiction stole all that away.
I tried to save him until I almost lost myself. In the end I surrendered his care to God, if I gave up then I gave his care up to God, and I let go in peace, praying that God could do for him what I could not.
The Serenity Prayer helped me then and helps me today, it helps me remember what is and is not mine to control and prays to know the difference.
I will never give up hope, as long as there is a breath in my body, but I have long since let go of trying to control the outcome. In the end, the outcome is simply not mine to control.
Hugs
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Thx for posting this Ann.
Without putting a ton of thought into this my initial response is that letting go is more of a conscious decision based upon thinking that is more rational... Not to say there is zero emotion involved...but letting go to me signals more of a "decisive action" based upon problem solving.
Giving up, on the other hand, is more of a reaction, and more of an emotional response to how life is at the time...and more along the lines of feeling defeated....
Whereas when a person finally arrives to the truly letting go stage it is like a sort of bittersweet victory; similar to being LIBERATED.
Without putting a ton of thought into this my initial response is that letting go is more of a conscious decision based upon thinking that is more rational... Not to say there is zero emotion involved...but letting go to me signals more of a "decisive action" based upon problem solving.
Giving up, on the other hand, is more of a reaction, and more of an emotional response to how life is at the time...and more along the lines of feeling defeated....
Whereas when a person finally arrives to the truly letting go stage it is like a sort of bittersweet victory; similar to being LIBERATED.
Nature Girl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
That makes perfect sense, Teatreeoil.
When I finally let go, it was like a load had been lifted, in a way like letting go of air because I never did really have a hold of anything. Thinking I did was an illusion that I had any kind of power over what I was holding on to.
There is an expression here that I like "Let go or be dragged". There comes a time where we are dragged by the illusion of control and that's when letting go just feels good. It's a clarity of sorts.
When I finally let go, it was like a load had been lifted, in a way like letting go of air because I never did really have a hold of anything. Thinking I did was an illusion that I had any kind of power over what I was holding on to.
There is an expression here that I like "Let go or be dragged". There comes a time where we are dragged by the illusion of control and that's when letting go just feels good. It's a clarity of sorts.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 2,684
Good thread. I am grateful to all who share their ES&H.
Though I thought I was beyond falling back to the illusion, I still do occasionally. Fortunately, I willfully decide to work at getting back on track.
Peace to all.
Originally Posted by Ann 
There is an expression here that I like "Let go or be dragged". There comes a time where we are dragged by the illusion of control and that's when letting go just feels good. It's a clarity of sorts.
Peace to all.
Nature Girl
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Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Thanks Anaya and yes, it takes work to "stay" on track, for me I have to remain diligent, complacency is not my friend.
For a long time I lived with the "shoulda, coulda, woulda's" and the "if only's and what if's and the really tough one "this time it will be different" and each time I entertained any of them the illusion of control would appear once more and off I'd go on another codie tangent.
There was nothing to give up but lots to let go of, for me.
There came a time when it wasn't my son's manipulation or his addiction that caused my anxiety and crazy behaviour....it was my own thoughts that I could do or say anything that would change what wasn't mine to change...my son's addiction. That's what I had to let go of and I can tell you it wasn't easy. It took work and diligence and support from stronger people than me.
Clarity comes from letting go, a new clarity that helps me see "my" part in my craziness called codependency. How freeing it was to finally see that the only person I could change was me and to know that in time, my life could and would get better.
Hugs
For a long time I lived with the "shoulda, coulda, woulda's" and the "if only's and what if's and the really tough one "this time it will be different" and each time I entertained any of them the illusion of control would appear once more and off I'd go on another codie tangent.
There was nothing to give up but lots to let go of, for me.
There came a time when it wasn't my son's manipulation or his addiction that caused my anxiety and crazy behaviour....it was my own thoughts that I could do or say anything that would change what wasn't mine to change...my son's addiction. That's what I had to let go of and I can tell you it wasn't easy. It took work and diligence and support from stronger people than me.
Clarity comes from letting go, a new clarity that helps me see "my" part in my craziness called codependency. How freeing it was to finally see that the only person I could change was me and to know that in time, my life could and would get better.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 104
I'm struggling through the anger stage with my XAB. We did not have bio ties and I think that it's different if you do have a bio relationship.
That said this is my ESH: Trying to "love" the addict and envision him as a baby swaddled the arms of a "loving God" has been and is counterproductive and triggering. I just want my life back. Without him in my thoughts, my prayers, my space. Without him.
I visualize him being delivered to a karma as neutral as gravity. I focus on being neutral on whatever happens to him and on moving on.
That said this is my ESH: Trying to "love" the addict and envision him as a baby swaddled the arms of a "loving God" has been and is counterproductive and triggering. I just want my life back. Without him in my thoughts, my prayers, my space. Without him.
I visualize him being delivered to a karma as neutral as gravity. I focus on being neutral on whatever happens to him and on moving on.
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