What now?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 137
What now?
Hello,
This is the first time I am posting here. Thank your for taking time to read my story. I appreciate it.
I was dating my boyfriend for 1,5 years when I slowly realized he was using drugs occasionally. As I wasn't using any drugs, so he revealed it carefully in very small doses over time. He wasn't heavy drug user and had a great job. He kept telling me he would never hurt me which I never fully understood.
The first time he relapsed big time was after 1.5 together. I believed that it was one-time thing caused by excessive stress from few directions. The binge took approximately month and included 20 mg! of Xanax and amounts of alcohol/day.
As I have no experience with drugs I believed this will never repeat. Although 20 mg of Xanax probably should have ring a bell that this is not first time using the pills.
Anyway, that time he quit cold turkey and all was seemingly ok. Within 2 months I sensed he is changing. He was kind of manic and I feared he will relapse again. He broke up with me and told me he wants to move to different country - I agreed and I felt trapped. I was sad but I was also hoping that he finds new job and moves asap as I didn't want to witness another relapse.
Unfortunately this didn't happen. My bf went for a binge that took perhaps week where he spent few thousands euro. He overdosed several times (i.e.15g of cocaine and other drugs in 1 day) , had panic attacks, threatened to kill himself. All of it.
He forced himself into psych ward. Sometimes I wasn't sure if the reason was to play "victim" and have prescription pills coming for free. On the other had I could see him as a hurt child screaming for attention and help. It hurt me so deeply to see him in such pain. Terrible images.
It took only 1 month to relapse again. This time I lost it and he lived as homeless for a month. He came back clean. We both just cried and I let him back in my life..more as a friend than boyfriend. I didn't know how to thing. And I was waiting for the man I knew to appear again.
He recently found a very good and we'll paid job in his home country (Ireland). This meant we needed to separate at least for a while. It felt right. I was happy he was leaving alive and with hopes to get back on track and fix his relationships. I also felt I needed some time for me.
Anyway, right after he left, he seemed to be in his natural "high" (he might be bipolar). Told me how great people back home are, etc. I felt like he didn't appreciate my help in past months. He also asked for more time apart?! So I broke up with him.
QUESTIONS
-who is he? Is he tho one I met or the one I said good bye to?
- will his life always be walking in circle?
-is it completely naive to trust an addict?
-perhaps he wasnt using drugs excessively at the beginning because he was naturally high and in love? We were crazy about each other since we met and we were moving extremely fast. It felt so right
- he kept telling me he would never hurt me. Then when he relapsed he said that he was so in love and happy that he didn't expect this to happen to him again.
-now I know he had several binges in life, was taking lots of drugs over years (mdma, cocaine, speed, erx), even in hospital for paranoia.
QUESTIONS
-who is he? Is he tho one I met or the one I said good bye to?
- will his life always be walking in circle?
-is it completely naive to trust an addict?
-I thought he could be even psychopath... Not sure though.
-scary part is that he doesn't help himself permanently, but only when it's too late.
I have so many mixed feelings. But I am aware I could have left him 8 months ago.
Mostly I am sad that I can't have him even as a friend after 2 years together and after all we went through. He was manipulative, mean at times and he did break my trust.
This is the first time I am posting here. Thank your for taking time to read my story. I appreciate it.
I was dating my boyfriend for 1,5 years when I slowly realized he was using drugs occasionally. As I wasn't using any drugs, so he revealed it carefully in very small doses over time. He wasn't heavy drug user and had a great job. He kept telling me he would never hurt me which I never fully understood.
The first time he relapsed big time was after 1.5 together. I believed that it was one-time thing caused by excessive stress from few directions. The binge took approximately month and included 20 mg! of Xanax and amounts of alcohol/day.
As I have no experience with drugs I believed this will never repeat. Although 20 mg of Xanax probably should have ring a bell that this is not first time using the pills.
Anyway, that time he quit cold turkey and all was seemingly ok. Within 2 months I sensed he is changing. He was kind of manic and I feared he will relapse again. He broke up with me and told me he wants to move to different country - I agreed and I felt trapped. I was sad but I was also hoping that he finds new job and moves asap as I didn't want to witness another relapse.
Unfortunately this didn't happen. My bf went for a binge that took perhaps week where he spent few thousands euro. He overdosed several times (i.e.15g of cocaine and other drugs in 1 day) , had panic attacks, threatened to kill himself. All of it.
He forced himself into psych ward. Sometimes I wasn't sure if the reason was to play "victim" and have prescription pills coming for free. On the other had I could see him as a hurt child screaming for attention and help. It hurt me so deeply to see him in such pain. Terrible images.
It took only 1 month to relapse again. This time I lost it and he lived as homeless for a month. He came back clean. We both just cried and I let him back in my life..more as a friend than boyfriend. I didn't know how to thing. And I was waiting for the man I knew to appear again.
He recently found a very good and we'll paid job in his home country (Ireland). This meant we needed to separate at least for a while. It felt right. I was happy he was leaving alive and with hopes to get back on track and fix his relationships. I also felt I needed some time for me.
Anyway, right after he left, he seemed to be in his natural "high" (he might be bipolar). Told me how great people back home are, etc. I felt like he didn't appreciate my help in past months. He also asked for more time apart?! So I broke up with him.
QUESTIONS
-who is he? Is he tho one I met or the one I said good bye to?
- will his life always be walking in circle?
-is it completely naive to trust an addict?
-perhaps he wasnt using drugs excessively at the beginning because he was naturally high and in love? We were crazy about each other since we met and we were moving extremely fast. It felt so right
- he kept telling me he would never hurt me. Then when he relapsed he said that he was so in love and happy that he didn't expect this to happen to him again.
-now I know he had several binges in life, was taking lots of drugs over years (mdma, cocaine, speed, erx), even in hospital for paranoia.
QUESTIONS
-who is he? Is he tho one I met or the one I said good bye to?
- will his life always be walking in circle?
-is it completely naive to trust an addict?
-I thought he could be even psychopath... Not sure though.
-scary part is that he doesn't help himself permanently, but only when it's too late.
I have so many mixed feelings. But I am aware I could have left him 8 months ago.
Mostly I am sad that I can't have him even as a friend after 2 years together and after all we went through. He was manipulative, mean at times and he did break my trust.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Welcome to SR, I am sorry about what brought you here but glad you found us.
He sounds very much like most addicts, and you may find that the distance between you is in fact a gift.
Take a good read around and you will see that this situation isn't likely to change any time soon, and it may be wise to decide what you want your life to look like.
Facing reality is hard, wishing for "what might have been" or "what could be if only..." takes us to no place good.
Others will be along to welcome you, I hope you find some comfort here knowing you are among people who understand.
Hugs
He sounds very much like most addicts, and you may find that the distance between you is in fact a gift.
Take a good read around and you will see that this situation isn't likely to change any time soon, and it may be wise to decide what you want your life to look like.
Facing reality is hard, wishing for "what might have been" or "what could be if only..." takes us to no place good.
Others will be along to welcome you, I hope you find some comfort here knowing you are among people who understand.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,986
Hi Maya and welcome to Soberrecovery. Also my deepest condolences for what you are going through. This can be so very, very painful.
Addicts/alcoholics leave most of us thinking, "What the hell was that about??" Unfortunately, many of them never manage to stay sober. The best thing you can do is to take care of yourself and let this man go. However letting go can take a lot of time and grieving.
If possible find an Alanon meeting to attend. These people have been through what you have experienced and can give you support.
Addicts/alcoholics leave most of us thinking, "What the hell was that about??" Unfortunately, many of them never manage to stay sober. The best thing you can do is to take care of yourself and let this man go. However letting go can take a lot of time and grieving.
If possible find an Alanon meeting to attend. These people have been through what you have experienced and can give you support.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 137
Hi Ann and Bekindalways, thank you both for your support. I believe distance is the best as well. It's actually kind of freeing since he left.
However I do miss him at times and can't help to think that those 8 months were just some episode that will never repeat. But I guess this is not right.
Since he has been using drugs moderately all his life he will keep having relapses every once in a while if in stressful situation that he cannot handle.
I believe he has mental health issue that he ignores and self medicate. I feel so sorry for him
However I do miss him at times and can't help to think that those 8 months were just some episode that will never repeat. But I guess this is not right.
Since he has been using drugs moderately all his life he will keep having relapses every once in a while if in stressful situation that he cannot handle.
I believe he has mental health issue that he ignores and self medicate. I feel so sorry for him
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
[QUOTE=MAYA1;5798350
.
QUESTIONS
-who is he? Is he tho one I met or the one I said good bye to?
- will his life always be walking in circle?
-is it completely naive to trust an addict?
-I thought he could be even psychopath... Not sure though.
-scary part is that he doesn't help himself permanently, but only when it's too late.
.[/QUOTE]
SR is a place of much support, I am glad you are here. I am gently going to try to answer you.
Who is he? Well, addiction changes you. Who left is the person he has become. Unless he is willing to do the work, every single day, for the rest of his life, to be clean and sober, that likely won't change. People are always looking for a person to find their "bottom" so to speak. Some don't have one.
His life will likely be walking in circles, yes. It sounds like he may have some underlying mental illness, which the addiction only compounds. Again, only getting clean and getting the right help, for HIMSELF, is the cure. Even then, it's constant work, forever. He has to want to be well for himself. You cannot change that, no one can.
We all came here b/c at one point or another we trusted an addict. Once you realize how addiction works, you realize IT'S EVERYWHERE. So now you see what it is, you have some knowledge of it, and you know to protect yourself in the future from a relationship with an addict.
His path is going to continue. The important point is, that yours is not. You have pulled yourself out of harms way with this. Life with an addict is hard, and not fun. It's time to put that focus on you and what is good for you in your own future.
Many gentle hugs. I am glad you are here.
.
QUESTIONS
-who is he? Is he tho one I met or the one I said good bye to?
- will his life always be walking in circle?
-is it completely naive to trust an addict?
-I thought he could be even psychopath... Not sure though.
-scary part is that he doesn't help himself permanently, but only when it's too late.
.[/QUOTE]
SR is a place of much support, I am glad you are here. I am gently going to try to answer you.
Who is he? Well, addiction changes you. Who left is the person he has become. Unless he is willing to do the work, every single day, for the rest of his life, to be clean and sober, that likely won't change. People are always looking for a person to find their "bottom" so to speak. Some don't have one.
His life will likely be walking in circles, yes. It sounds like he may have some underlying mental illness, which the addiction only compounds. Again, only getting clean and getting the right help, for HIMSELF, is the cure. Even then, it's constant work, forever. He has to want to be well for himself. You cannot change that, no one can.
We all came here b/c at one point or another we trusted an addict. Once you realize how addiction works, you realize IT'S EVERYWHERE. So now you see what it is, you have some knowledge of it, and you know to protect yourself in the future from a relationship with an addict.
His path is going to continue. The important point is, that yours is not. You have pulled yourself out of harms way with this. Life with an addict is hard, and not fun. It's time to put that focus on you and what is good for you in your own future.
Many gentle hugs. I am glad you are here.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,986
Hi again Maya,
I liked what hopeful said here >>>>"His path is going to continue. The important point is, that yours is not. You have pulled yourself out of harms way with this. Life with an addict is hard, and not fun. It's time to put that focus on you and what is good for you in your own future."
There are many many addicts/alcoholics out there. Please do everything you can to figure out why you fell in love with this man and work on yourself so it never happens again. You are a brave and thoughtful woman for coming here. Harvest all the wisdom you can from this experience.
I liked what hopeful said here >>>>"His path is going to continue. The important point is, that yours is not. You have pulled yourself out of harms way with this. Life with an addict is hard, and not fun. It's time to put that focus on you and what is good for you in your own future."
There are many many addicts/alcoholics out there. Please do everything you can to figure out why you fell in love with this man and work on yourself so it never happens again. You are a brave and thoughtful woman for coming here. Harvest all the wisdom you can from this experience.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 137
Originally Posted by Bekindalways 
Please do everything you can to figure out why you fell in love with this man and work on yourself so it never happens again..
Quesrion, did you find out why you fell in love with an addict? Do you really think there is a reason we have been drawn to those people at some point of our life?
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Originally Posted by Maya
Since he has been using drugs moderately all his life he will keep having relapses every once in a while if in stressful situation that he cannot handle.
You are wise to take a step back. It will hurt on some days but in time your days will get better. I am glad you find comfort and strength here, it's a good place to come when we feel shaky.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,986
Hi Maya, that is a good question about falling in love with addicts. My story is of course as unique as everyone's story is unique.
I'm a huge people pleaser. I was born into a family of all oldest children (older sister and both parents are the oldest siblings) I learned to just figure out what everyone wanted and do it. My ABF was someone who had clear ideas about what he wanted (eventually this was meth) so it was comfortable for me. I didn't have to figure out what I wanted myself. I still really suck at figuring out my own needs and wants.
Maya, your story/hangups/neurosis will certainly be different than mine but oh my dear God the incredible pain of getting out of these relationships. I understand that and hope you are getting through this difficult time. Take care of yourself and a big hug!
I'm a huge people pleaser. I was born into a family of all oldest children (older sister and both parents are the oldest siblings) I learned to just figure out what everyone wanted and do it. My ABF was someone who had clear ideas about what he wanted (eventually this was meth) so it was comfortable for me. I didn't have to figure out what I wanted myself. I still really suck at figuring out my own needs and wants.
Maya, your story/hangups/neurosis will certainly be different than mine but oh my dear God the incredible pain of getting out of these relationships. I understand that and hope you are getting through this difficult time. Take care of yourself and a big hug!
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