"If he was so important to you, why did you break up with him?"
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 35
"If he was so important to you, why did you break up with him?"
Hey guys,
My mother and I got in a fight. It's 5 months since the addict ex-bf overdosed, and I'm really torn up about it. She asked me that - that if he was so important to me, why did I break up with him.
Is that fair? I feel angry and called out and guilty. I don't know what else I could have done.
My mother and I got in a fight. It's 5 months since the addict ex-bf overdosed, and I'm really torn up about it. She asked me that - that if he was so important to me, why did I break up with him.
Is that fair? I feel angry and called out and guilty. I don't know what else I could have done.
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I'm going to put on my brutal pragmatist hat. With that established:
a) to be blunt, your mother doesn't know what the hell she's talking about
b) that aside, just because someone's important to you does not mean you're obligated to shackle yourself to them when they opt to self destruct
c) b's rationale may be extended beyond romantic relationships, such as parent-child, sibling-sibling, friend-friend.
All of us here at FFSA have been confronted with an impossible situation: how do we "help" our addicted loved ones. Sadly, the most frequent answer is "we can't". And if we accept this as true, then it makes no sense to go down in flames with someone who is indifferent to going down in flames themselves.
a) to be blunt, your mother doesn't know what the hell she's talking about
b) that aside, just because someone's important to you does not mean you're obligated to shackle yourself to them when they opt to self destruct
c) b's rationale may be extended beyond romantic relationships, such as parent-child, sibling-sibling, friend-friend.
All of us here at FFSA have been confronted with an impossible situation: how do we "help" our addicted loved ones. Sadly, the most frequent answer is "we can't". And if we accept this as true, then it makes no sense to go down in flames with someone who is indifferent to going down in flames themselves.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Oh my dear, don't take it personal. It sounds like she has 0% knowledge on addiction. You broke up w/him so he would not take you down with him, that does not mean it hurts any less.
I know it's really hard, but you will have to come to a place that you don't take comments like that personally. Just remember that it's a lack of knowledge and not a personal attack on you.
Many hugs to you. We get it, 100%
I know it's really hard, but you will have to come to a place that you don't take comments like that personally. Just remember that it's a lack of knowledge and not a personal attack on you.
Many hugs to you. We get it, 100%
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
Sometimes people say the dumbest things when they see somebody in emotional turmoil. And it's not because they don't care, it's because they feel helpless and they don't know what to do to get you out of wherever you are. So they panic and say something stupid.
I worked near the World Trade Center during the 9/11 attacks, and if I could gotten a dime for every boneheaded comment I heard afterwards I would be a rich woman. "Just get over it." "Why are you crying? You should be glad you're alive." "Stop thinking about it." "You know those planes won't crash" (said after I got into a slight panic attack after hearing a plane flying overhead - I lived right on the flight path to LaGuardia.)
I learned not to take those comments personally, or else I would have burned up pretty much every close relationship I had with family and friends. They were trying their very best to get me out of the darkness, but they didn't know how, and they didn't know where to go to get that information. They didn't even know that they didn't even know, if that makes sense. I had to turn to people who had been there, and stop expecting so much from people who hadn't.
Which is why I'm so grateful for SR.
I worked near the World Trade Center during the 9/11 attacks, and if I could gotten a dime for every boneheaded comment I heard afterwards I would be a rich woman. "Just get over it." "Why are you crying? You should be glad you're alive." "Stop thinking about it." "You know those planes won't crash" (said after I got into a slight panic attack after hearing a plane flying overhead - I lived right on the flight path to LaGuardia.)
I learned not to take those comments personally, or else I would have burned up pretty much every close relationship I had with family and friends. They were trying their very best to get me out of the darkness, but they didn't know how, and they didn't know where to go to get that information. They didn't even know that they didn't even know, if that makes sense. I had to turn to people who had been there, and stop expecting so much from people who hadn't.
Which is why I'm so grateful for SR.
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Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: Manchester UK
Posts: 30
I was blamed when my ex went to prison some years ago and was told that if I hadn't have kicked him out, he wouldn't be in prison! The fact he committed a crime because he needed his Heroin was obviously all my fault. Crazy isn't it!
It's not fair at all what has been said to you but quite clearly your Mother does not understand the impact of addiction. My Mother doesn't either which is why I tell her very little.
Lots of hugs your way xx
It's not fair at all what has been said to you but quite clearly your Mother does not understand the impact of addiction. My Mother doesn't either which is why I tell her very little.
Lots of hugs your way xx
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I have been blamed for my X's criminal past, his cheating on me, his alcoholism, and much more.
Eventually, after a lot of education and help myself, I recognize that those that have blamed me are in the worst of positions themselves. They are 100% codependent, and have absolutely no knowledge or experience in how to deal with addiction.
Chin up. Always remember the three C's....You did not CAUSE it, You cannot CONTROL it, and you cannot CURE it.
Maybe print that out on a card and hand it to people as the bring it up LOL.
Hugs to you.
Eventually, after a lot of education and help myself, I recognize that those that have blamed me are in the worst of positions themselves. They are 100% codependent, and have absolutely no knowledge or experience in how to deal with addiction.
Chin up. Always remember the three C's....You did not CAUSE it, You cannot CONTROL it, and you cannot CURE it.
Maybe print that out on a card and hand it to people as the bring it up LOL.
Hugs to you.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,982
Hi S, I second everything that everyone is saying.
I'm so sorry your Mom can't be more supportive. My mom didn't have a clue either when I had to break up with an addict.
Given that your mom said >>> "if he was so important to me, why did I break up with him." Let's hope she never falls in love with an addict. Addiction sure does turn love/relationships on their heads. Argh. Courage to you!
I'm so sorry your Mom can't be more supportive. My mom didn't have a clue either when I had to break up with an addict.
Given that your mom said >>> "if he was so important to me, why did I break up with him." Let's hope she never falls in love with an addict. Addiction sure does turn love/relationships on their heads. Argh. Courage to you!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 187
So sorry that you had to hear that from your mother. People who haven't been through a relationship with an addict just can't ever understand, not really.
Having said that, though, I hope that you are getting some sort of counseling or help for yourself dealing with your grief? Not that grief adheres to any specific timeline, but if you are still feeling really torn up after 5 months, I just hope that you are taking care of yourself and reaching out for help from those who do understand. Hugs to you in this difficult time!
Having said that, though, I hope that you are getting some sort of counseling or help for yourself dealing with your grief? Not that grief adheres to any specific timeline, but if you are still feeling really torn up after 5 months, I just hope that you are taking care of yourself and reaching out for help from those who do understand. Hugs to you in this difficult time!
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