What now?

Old 02-13-2016, 03:56 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
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What now?

Hello,
This is the first time I am posting here. Thank your for taking time to read my story. I appreciate it.

After 1,5 yr long relationship I realized that my boyfriend might have drug/alcohol related problem. The first time he relapsed was, I believed that it was one-time thing caused by excessive stress from few directions. The binge took approximately month and included 20 mg! of Xanax and amounts of alcohol/day.

As I have no experience with drugs I believed this will never repeat. Although 20 mg of Xanax probably should have ring a bell that this is not first time using the pills.

Anyway, at that time he quit cold turkey and all was seemingly ok. Within 2 months I sensed he is changing. He was kind of manic and I feared he will relapse again. He broke up with me and told me he wants to move to different country - I agreed and I felt trapped. I was sad but I was also hoping that he finds new job and moves asap as I didn't want to witness another relapse.

Unfortunately this didn't happen. My bf went for a binge that took perhaps week where he spent few thousands euro. He overdosed several times (i.e.15g of cocaine and other drugs in 1 day) , had panic attacks, threatened to kill himself. All of it.

He forced himself into psych ward. Sometimes I wasn't sure if the reason was to play "victim" and have prescription pills coming for free. On the other had I could see him as a hurt child screaming for attention and help. It hurt me so deeply to see him in such pain. Terrible images.

It took only 1 month to relapse again. This time I lost it and he lived as homeless for a month. He came back clean. We both just cried and I let him back in my life.

He recently found a very good and we'll paid job in his home country (Ireland). This meant we needed to separate at least for a while. It felt right. I was happy he was leaving alive and with hopes to get back on track and fix his relationships. I also felt I needed some time for me.

Anyway, right after he left, he seemed to be in his natural "high" (he might be bipolar). Told me how great people back home are, etc. I felt like he didn't appreciate my help in past months. He also asked for more time apart?! So I broke up with him.

QUESTIONS
-who is he? Is he tho one I met or the one I said good bye to?
- will his life always be walking in circle?
-is it completely naive to trust an addict?

I have so many mixed feelings. But I am aware I could have left him 8 months ago. I take it as an experience, but it does hurt quite a lot.

Mostly I am sad that I can't have him even as a friend after 2 years together and after all we went through. He was manipulative, mean at times and he did break my trust.

Thank you for reading x
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Old 02-14-2016, 07:40 AM
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Maya,

I am so sorry that you went through this.

FIRST, I would suggest posting in the forum for Friends and Family Members instead of just this one, which is meant for just family members.

The link is:
Friends and Family of Substance Abusers - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

That forum is much more active, and you're more likely to get a response much sooner, from other people who are in your situation.

SECOND, now that I've gotten that out of the way, what struck me was this...

QUESTIONS
-who is he? Is he tho one I met or the one I said good bye to?
The fact of the matter is that if he was taking drugs from the very beginning of your relationship, you never got a chance to meet the real him to begin with.
And even if he didn't start taking drugs in the beginning, there was something in him from the very beginning that made him turn to drugs.

I'm on this board because my sister has been battling a drug problem for twenty years plus. There are many people on this board who have loved ones in the same situation. Unfortunately, drug addiction can be very hard to overcome for so many reasons.

Told me how great people back home are, etc...

He was manipulative, mean at times and he did break my trust.
Drug addicts can be so charming and manipulative. My sister has lots of lots of friends, but her interaction with them is either either extremely limited and/or they've only known each other for a very short time. It used to bother me that she would talk trash behind my back about me, but then I came to the realization that she did that to every person who tried to hold her accountable for her actions. So I couldn't take it personally.

If you met her, you would think she was the warmest, most loving person alive. But she can only sustain that image for so long. I suspect that your ex-bf is the same.

I don't know you, but I'm glad that you had the strength and courage to break up with him. I guarantee that there are others on the board who will say the same thing to you. It's so hard to let go of somebody that you loved so much, and it can be very easy to fall into "_I_ will be the one who stays by his/her side" trap.

So big hugs from me. And post this on the Friends and Family forum!
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Old 02-15-2016, 03:40 AM
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Thank you

Thank you for your response. It is amazing to be able to share this with someone.

I have knew him for 1,5 yr (he took drugs occasionally, but not excessive. I knew about it later on). The binges started after 1.5 year and took 6-8 months. So I think I knew him before?

I will post on the other forum. I have not noticed this is for family only. Thank you!
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