LostInSpace123

How could you just pretend that I don't exist! After 2 times in rehab and you begged me to wait for you. After I cried to the nurse when you got so high I didn't know what to do but bring you to the hospital. After you told me you wanted to spend the rest of your life with me, that you promised you would never stop speaking to me ever! After you told me our future together would be amazing! After you told me you loved me the day before you broke up with me! After you fell in love with my daughter and my family! After I was there for you no matter what! After you told me you needed me! After you promised me that after you got clean you would always love me! That wasn't the case was it! How do you not go everyday thinking about me and what I have done for you and greatful that someone could love you unconditionally! How can you not see what a gift that is in this life, it is so rare! How do you turn your back on that! Will you wake up one day and realize what you lost! How could you be this cold and selfish sober! How, why, what did I do? I loved you too much? I cared too much so now you want time to focus on yourself and freedom! Will you ever come back to me? Did you ever love me? How do I stop loving you?

zoso77

Well, if he's "cold and selfish" sober, why would you want him to come back to you? How is him coming back to you a benefit to either you or your daughter.

I get that you're angry, confused, and (most of all) hurt. But stop for a second and pay attention to what I'm about to tell you.

One of the hardest, most painful lessons we all learn at some point is when someone shows you what they're all about, believe them. And the scenario when this is hard and painful is when the person in question is someone we love. It could be a significant other, or a spouse, or a friend...doesn't really matter. In your case, when he told you your future together would be amazing, you believed him. But his current actions don't jibe with what him promised you, and that is causing you considerable discomfort. What should you believe? His actions. And I hate to be the one to tell you this, but I wouldn't be doing you any favors by telling you otherwise.

I've been in a similar spot to you, where I couldn't wrap my head around someone's words vis-à-vis their actions. At the end of the day, I had to believe her actions. As such, I've chosen to remove her from my life...permanently. I know she doesn't like it. But too bad.

The good news is your future is right now a blank piece of paper. It can still be amazing. But it can be amazing in a way that doesn't depend on anyone else making it amazing for you. So feel what you need to feel in the moment. That's fine, and it's normal and healthy. But allow yourself the possibility of an amazing future. It can be done. All you have to do is choose to pursue that path. It will take time, but that's OK. Most things worth doing do take time...

Fior

I know this is a rant, and I totally understand...big hug.

But as a gentle and loving reminder....

YOU didn't do anything. And nothing you could have done, or not done, would have changed your addict's choices.

If it makes you feel better (or not), I would bet that a lot of us have been told all those things by our addict. I know I was (literally, the exact same things-no joke). And our life together was supposed to be amazing (and was amazing)....until my AXBF made some other choices. And slowly, he turned into a person I didn't, and still don't, even want to know anymore.


Two thoughts: read zoso's sticky about surviving breakups with addicts. I kept it saved on my phone for awhile whenever I was backsliding and needed a reminder.

A quote that I had taped inside my waitress book and all over my apartment for a good long time. It helped me:
"At some point, you just have to let go of what you thought should happen, and live in what is happening." When I think this quote, I put the emphasis on should and is. What "IS" happening, my dear? And is what IS happening good enough for you? No. No it is not.

Not an easy situation. Not easy feelings. Lots and lots of hugs. Rant away when you need to. We're all ears (eyeballs).

LostInSpace123

When we were together when he was sober he was loving and caring and never abusive. Into his 4th month of being sober he became distant. Wanting to spend more time with himself and his friends. He told me that how could he be there for me while he was working on himself. We were together for a month after that and when we were physically together he was amazing caring loving attentive. Talked about the future. He bought me the most amazing Christmas presents ever and lit up bringing the presents down for my daughter. He was so happy. New Years came and he was detached. But still told me he loved me and was a great boyfriend. A few weeks later he told me he needs to focus on himself and wants to be able to do what he wants to do. He told me I was amazing smart and he loved me and my family and absolutely loved my daughter. He told me we don't know what the future holds and we met for a reason. He told me it was a break but we are broken up. Besides 2 stupid texts from him since then I haven't heard from him. He left all of his things at my house including a brand new in the box $1000 drone. This was not a thought out break up. How do you go from hot to cold here and there so fast and so much? What goes on in the mind of an early recovering opiate addict? What I meant by cold and selfish is his no contact over the last few weeks not while we were together.

LostInSpace123

What's the name of the sticky?

zoso77

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...up-addict.html

Linzey0706

Lostinspace:

I know it hurts and it feels almost like the literal end of the world. I am also caught in almost the same exact situation. My ex and I were together for the better part of 6 years (mid highschool and after) and had a future and marriage planned out. Our relationship was wonderful, even when he switched into drugs, I had no idea he always adored me. Long and short when things got bad he went to rehab, was ecstatic that I wanted to support him rather than run away, called me every week, I flew 1500 miles to see him, everything was awesome. He got out and moved to sober living. Much like you, VERY quickly shut me out and didn't want anything to do with me and eventually came up with that he doesn't love me or look at me like that anymore and now has a new girl that he met in out patient care. That was about a month ago now. Even though it has only been a month, I already feel a little better. I know it hurts like hell and there is nothing we want more than for things to go back to how we envisioned and frankly let them convince us they would be but in reality it's not like that. We all hope for fairytales and that our recovering addict will resort back to the person we fell in love with but very few do. I cut off all contact, deleted him off social media and stopped obsessiving over everything he was doing because honestly at this point it doesn't matter anymore. I find it helpful to remind myself of the "cold and bitter" person he became and how him leaving like this hurts more than him addicted to drugs. I wish you a quick turn around but I know it's not that easy. I know how I feel everyday and I wouldn't want anybody else to feel like that, but just know it DOES get better. It's only been a month and I already feel it. The hardest part is accepting that everything we set up in our mind is not reality, after you get passed that part every day gets a little easier... Try to stay busy focus on your daughter and fill your time with making YOU HAPPY. I also found reminding myself of all the things I wouldn't be able to do if he let me support him through recovery and reminding myself of the constant anxiety I would have for a longggg time makes me feel a little better on those tough days. Of course some days are better than others, but this site helps ALOT with reminding me that there are many people who went through the same thing and give constant support for us new comers that still feel the sting from the fresh wounds.. Stay strong

Linzey0706

Thank you for sharing that sticky! Great post!!! Our minds are the first or the last thing to give up depending on what we allow. I admire the strength of deciding to being ok.

LostInSpace123

I want to thank you all so much for your words. Thank god for all of you and these forums. I take comfort in all your stories. We are all truly not alone now. It means so much to me that there are people out there that take time out of their day to support and comfort a complete stranger.
Love and peace to all of you.
zoso77: You are very strong. Thank you for your words of hope for the future. Its very comforting.
Fior: Thank you for telling me where I should focus. I'm calmer now.
Linzey0706: You're right. It does get easier. A little bit more every day. Thank you so much. I'm right there with you everyday. Sending good vibes and strength.

JOIE12

these are not the actions and words of a sober adult

Bekindalways

Lostinspace, thanks for coming back and updating.

Your original post so eloquently painted what so many of us have been through. I so glad you are feeling a teeny bit better. It does take time. Keep healing and moving forward.