New here and need advice
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Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 2
New here and need advice
About an hour ago I received a call from my boyfriends sister. My boyfriend is currently visiting family and we hadn't been able to communicate well because his phone is on the fritz. I only answered thinking it was him trying to reach me. I was supposed to pick him up from the airport tonight but she tells me he's not coming back and he's entering detox and rehab.
We've been together for 5.5 years and he was addicted to painkillers when I met him, but I loved him regardless. I see now that I've only been enabling him this whole time and feel so stupid and feel so bad that I wasn't a good girlfriend to him. I don't know the details of his addiction, when I asked he said opiates, but I don't know if that is pills or heroin. I don't know what to think. He told me he's been clean. I believed him. I lacked trust in our relationship so I would question him a lot but he always maintained he was clean.
About a month and a half ago I broke up with him. But we live together and decided before he left for this trip that we would work on our relationship.
I feel like I'm responsible and his family hates me. He is so sad and it kills me I can't be there to comfort him, but I know that he needs this and I would only get in the way.
I'm looking for any advice you may have. If you've been through something similar. I've been trying to find information on recovery groups for codependents but my mind isn't functioning well right now. If you know of any resources please help. I'll be looking on this site for more info.
I'm so thankful this exists. I live alone and a few thousand miles from my family so this is really hard. He's my best friend.
We've been together for 5.5 years and he was addicted to painkillers when I met him, but I loved him regardless. I see now that I've only been enabling him this whole time and feel so stupid and feel so bad that I wasn't a good girlfriend to him. I don't know the details of his addiction, when I asked he said opiates, but I don't know if that is pills or heroin. I don't know what to think. He told me he's been clean. I believed him. I lacked trust in our relationship so I would question him a lot but he always maintained he was clean.
About a month and a half ago I broke up with him. But we live together and decided before he left for this trip that we would work on our relationship.
I feel like I'm responsible and his family hates me. He is so sad and it kills me I can't be there to comfort him, but I know that he needs this and I would only get in the way.
I'm looking for any advice you may have. If you've been through something similar. I've been trying to find information on recovery groups for codependents but my mind isn't functioning well right now. If you know of any resources please help. I'll be looking on this site for more info.
I'm so thankful this exists. I live alone and a few thousand miles from my family so this is really hard. He's my best friend.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 103
Hello Ordinary. I am sure you must be very confused and in distress right now. I can relate to what you are going through. My live-in boyfriend of 6 years is currently in rehab. He is there primarily for alcohol, but opiates as well. I knew he was an alcoholic, who took pills occasionally, but I did not know the extent to which he was taking painkillers till right before he went into treatment. I understand how betrayed you must feel. While my abf has never cheated on me (that I know of), I feel like he might has well have... that kind of betrayal that hits you in the gut.
As far as advice, I am not a big fan of it. I can only tell you what I am doing. First, I am trying not to focus on him, or the relationship. I am trying to focus on me. What do I want and need? I haven't asked these questions in a long time, and I dont know the answer yet. But daily, I am trying to do things for myself and figure it out.
I am reading everything I can about addiction, recovery, and how it affects families. I am going to alanon. And I just got myself a therapist... who, by the way, told me right off the bat that guilt does no good for anyone. We are not responsible for the addicts actions. We do not have to carry that burden. I am also really trying to focus on one day at a time, and gratitude where I can find it. This has been essential for me keeping a positive state of mind, no matter what outcome lies ahead.
Good luck on your journey. I firmly believe this situation can make us stronger and better people if we allow it.
As far as advice, I am not a big fan of it. I can only tell you what I am doing. First, I am trying not to focus on him, or the relationship. I am trying to focus on me. What do I want and need? I haven't asked these questions in a long time, and I dont know the answer yet. But daily, I am trying to do things for myself and figure it out.
I am reading everything I can about addiction, recovery, and how it affects families. I am going to alanon. And I just got myself a therapist... who, by the way, told me right off the bat that guilt does no good for anyone. We are not responsible for the addicts actions. We do not have to carry that burden. I am also really trying to focus on one day at a time, and gratitude where I can find it. This has been essential for me keeping a positive state of mind, no matter what outcome lies ahead.
Good luck on your journey. I firmly believe this situation can make us stronger and better people if we allow it.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 468
I am in a similar situation to you and turtle. My AH is away at rehab for opiate addiction. It lead to heroin. And that is all that I know of. People told me this, and it was very hard to accept at first, but he is where he needs to be - a safe environment with people who care about his recovery and people who have the best care to offer. It's heartbreaking to realize and have to accept that we cannot give our loved ones the help they truly need. It will get easier to sleep at night and get through your day. You must focus on yourself while he is focusing on himself. He is healing, and you need to be too. Anything else would not be beneficial to you or your relationship.
Be gentle with yourself. None of us are in charge of our addicts' addiction. None of us caused it, and no matter how early we may have known or detected it, we could never have stopped it or its progression. You can't blame yourself. I bet you were a wonderful girlfriend.
There are no Nar-Anon groups where I live, so I have been attending Al-Anon. They have been helpful, so I would advise you to at least go to these.
I wish you all the best. Know that you are not alone in this.
Originally Posted by OrdinaryWorld15 
I see now that I've only been enabling him this whole time and feel so stupid and feel so bad that I wasn't a good girlfriend to him.
There are no Nar-Anon groups where I live, so I have been attending Al-Anon. They have been helpful, so I would advise you to at least go to these.
I wish you all the best. Know that you are not alone in this.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi OW, I'm sorry for your pain, and also wondering why you feel guilty? What could you have done? He chose to conceal the full extent of his addiction from you, he chose to use, he did not trust you enough to confide. He's an adult and he made choices that have hurt you, but why do you feel guilty about his decisions?
I can also understand that if he has a supportive family that the truth would come out to them rather than you. Your family are bound to you by ties of blood, and sometime you can drop your guard with them more than with a GF. You want to be your best you for a GF, but your family takes you as you are. This has nothing to do with how good a GF you were.
Try to concentrate on yourself now. Do small things to make yourself feel better, reach out to your family and friends, or counselling if possible. Working on your own life will make you better and stronger. It doesn't happen right away, but keep trying because you will get to a time when you realise the hurt is not so bad.
I can also understand that if he has a supportive family that the truth would come out to them rather than you. Your family are bound to you by ties of blood, and sometime you can drop your guard with them more than with a GF. You want to be your best you for a GF, but your family takes you as you are. This has nothing to do with how good a GF you were.
Try to concentrate on yourself now. Do small things to make yourself feel better, reach out to your family and friends, or counselling if possible. Working on your own life will make you better and stronger. It doesn't happen right away, but keep trying because you will get to a time when you realise the hurt is not so bad.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 12
I have not been in the situation you're in, but I've lived it from the opposite side.
I became addicted to pain pills after my husband and I had only been married a year or two and I know I put him through a lot. He knew I took the pills for a medical condition but didn't know that I started seeing many different doctors and buying pills illegally too. When he found out he had the very natural reaction of telling me to quit. Immediately. No relapsed would be accepted.
So I did quit but unfortunately, relapses are part of recovery.
But because I was afraid of disappointing and hurting my husband, and even worried about losing him, I didn't tell him. Believe me, I wanted to. At that point I needed and wanted help, but I was too scared to tell him. So things got worse until I didn't come home from work one afternoon and when I didn't answer my phone he drove to the office where I worked and found me asleep in the car that had run itself out of gas just sitting there. I'd gotten high and luckily I nodded off before I even started driving.
That was a horrible night, I was humiliated and tried to make up excuses but my husband saw through it and dumped the contents of my purse on the ground. The amount of pill bottles made it pointless to keep denying, but I'm an addict so I still tried.
We fought and argued but finally I broke down and admitted that I had a problem and had wanted help, but that I'd been afraid to tell him.
I think he realized that while he was in no way to blame for my problem, he hadn't exactly made it easy for me to be open with him. So he helped me get the help I wanted and needed, and when I eventually slipped up and used I was able to tell him. It made such a difference, instead of relapsing completely it ended with that one pill I'd taken.
I know that it is incredibly hard and exhausting to love an addict, and it's great that you're trying to make it work. Just know that addiction is a lifelong illness and that while 40 years might go by without him using, it doesn't change that fact. Know that it will be hard and that if you want him to succeed in recover you need to allow him to make mistakes, they're just a symptom of his illness. I'm not trying to say that he gets a free pass on messing up, but that when it's an addiction related mistake you don't need to punish him or make him feel bad. He'll be doing that to himself enough for the two of you.
If it's too much for you to put up with then that is okay. Honestly, addicts don't make great partners until they're well into the recovery process so I think it's important to really look at and evaluate the relationship when you learn that addiction is an issue.
What's best for the addict might not be good for the partner, and from what I've heard and experienced, it's easy for a loving partner to focus so much on the addicted person's needs that they forget or ignore their own.
I hope and wish for the best for you and your boyfriend and it seems like a good thing that you're trying to find support from people who are in the same situation.
I became addicted to pain pills after my husband and I had only been married a year or two and I know I put him through a lot. He knew I took the pills for a medical condition but didn't know that I started seeing many different doctors and buying pills illegally too. When he found out he had the very natural reaction of telling me to quit. Immediately. No relapsed would be accepted.
So I did quit but unfortunately, relapses are part of recovery.
But because I was afraid of disappointing and hurting my husband, and even worried about losing him, I didn't tell him. Believe me, I wanted to. At that point I needed and wanted help, but I was too scared to tell him. So things got worse until I didn't come home from work one afternoon and when I didn't answer my phone he drove to the office where I worked and found me asleep in the car that had run itself out of gas just sitting there. I'd gotten high and luckily I nodded off before I even started driving.
That was a horrible night, I was humiliated and tried to make up excuses but my husband saw through it and dumped the contents of my purse on the ground. The amount of pill bottles made it pointless to keep denying, but I'm an addict so I still tried.
We fought and argued but finally I broke down and admitted that I had a problem and had wanted help, but that I'd been afraid to tell him.
I think he realized that while he was in no way to blame for my problem, he hadn't exactly made it easy for me to be open with him. So he helped me get the help I wanted and needed, and when I eventually slipped up and used I was able to tell him. It made such a difference, instead of relapsing completely it ended with that one pill I'd taken.
I know that it is incredibly hard and exhausting to love an addict, and it's great that you're trying to make it work. Just know that addiction is a lifelong illness and that while 40 years might go by without him using, it doesn't change that fact. Know that it will be hard and that if you want him to succeed in recover you need to allow him to make mistakes, they're just a symptom of his illness. I'm not trying to say that he gets a free pass on messing up, but that when it's an addiction related mistake you don't need to punish him or make him feel bad. He'll be doing that to himself enough for the two of you.
If it's too much for you to put up with then that is okay. Honestly, addicts don't make great partners until they're well into the recovery process so I think it's important to really look at and evaluate the relationship when you learn that addiction is an issue.
What's best for the addict might not be good for the partner, and from what I've heard and experienced, it's easy for a loving partner to focus so much on the addicted person's needs that they forget or ignore their own.
I hope and wish for the best for you and your boyfriend and it seems like a good thing that you're trying to find support from people who are in the same situation.
Last edited by DarlingNikki; 02-06-2016 at 09:13 PM. Reason: Missing words
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 2
Originally Posted by DarlingNikki
I have not been in the situation you're in, but I've lived it from the opposite side.
I became addicted to pain pills after my husband and I had only been married a year or two and I know I put him through a lot. He knew I took the pills for a medical condition but didn't know that I started seeing many different doctors and buying pills illegally too. When he found out he had the very natural reaction of telling me to quit. Immediately. No relapsed would be accepted.
So I did quit but unfortunately, relapses are part of recovery.
But because I was afraid of disappointing and hurting my husband, and even worried about losing him, I didn't tell him. Believe me, I wanted to. At that point I needed and wanted help, but I was too scared to tell him. So things got worse until I didn't come home from work one afternoon and when I didn't answer my phone he drove to the office where I worked and found me asleep in the car that had run itself out of gas just sitting there. I'd gotten high and luckily I nodded off before I even started driving.
That was a horrible night, I was humiliated and tried to make up excuses but my husband saw through it and dumped the contents of my purse on the ground. The amount of pill bottles made it pointless to keep denying, but I'm an addict so I still tried.
We fought and argued but finally I broke down and admitted that I had a problem and had wanted help, but that I'd been afraid to tell him.
I think he realized that while he was in no way to blame for my problem, he hadn't exactly made it easy for me to be open with him. So he helped me get the help I wanted and needed, and when I eventually slipped up and used I was able to tell him. It made such a difference, instead of relapsing completely it ended with that one pill I'd taken.
I know that it is incredibly hard and exhausting to love an addict, and it's great that you're trying to make it work. Just know that addiction is a lifelong illness and that while 40 years might go by without him using, it doesn't change that fact. Know that it will be hard and that if you want him to succeed in recover you need to allow him to make mistakes, they're just a symptom of his illness. I'm not trying to say that he gets a free pass on messing up, but that when it's an addiction related mistake you don't need to punish him or make him feel bad. He'll be doing that to himself enough for the two of you.
If it's too much for you to put up with then that is okay. Honestly, addicts don't make great partners until they're well into the recovery process so I think it's important to really look at and evaluate the relationship when you learn that addiction is an issue.
What's best for the addict might not be good for the partner, and from what I've heard and experienced, it's easy for a loving partner to focus so much on the addicted person's needs that they forget or ignore their own.
I hope and wish for the best for you and your boyfriend and it seems like a good thing that you're trying to find support from people who are in the same situation.
I became addicted to pain pills after my husband and I had only been married a year or two and I know I put him through a lot. He knew I took the pills for a medical condition but didn't know that I started seeing many different doctors and buying pills illegally too. When he found out he had the very natural reaction of telling me to quit. Immediately. No relapsed would be accepted.
So I did quit but unfortunately, relapses are part of recovery.
But because I was afraid of disappointing and hurting my husband, and even worried about losing him, I didn't tell him. Believe me, I wanted to. At that point I needed and wanted help, but I was too scared to tell him. So things got worse until I didn't come home from work one afternoon and when I didn't answer my phone he drove to the office where I worked and found me asleep in the car that had run itself out of gas just sitting there. I'd gotten high and luckily I nodded off before I even started driving.
That was a horrible night, I was humiliated and tried to make up excuses but my husband saw through it and dumped the contents of my purse on the ground. The amount of pill bottles made it pointless to keep denying, but I'm an addict so I still tried.
We fought and argued but finally I broke down and admitted that I had a problem and had wanted help, but that I'd been afraid to tell him.
I think he realized that while he was in no way to blame for my problem, he hadn't exactly made it easy for me to be open with him. So he helped me get the help I wanted and needed, and when I eventually slipped up and used I was able to tell him. It made such a difference, instead of relapsing completely it ended with that one pill I'd taken.
I know that it is incredibly hard and exhausting to love an addict, and it's great that you're trying to make it work. Just know that addiction is a lifelong illness and that while 40 years might go by without him using, it doesn't change that fact. Know that it will be hard and that if you want him to succeed in recover you need to allow him to make mistakes, they're just a symptom of his illness. I'm not trying to say that he gets a free pass on messing up, but that when it's an addiction related mistake you don't need to punish him or make him feel bad. He'll be doing that to himself enough for the two of you.
If it's too much for you to put up with then that is okay. Honestly, addicts don't make great partners until they're well into the recovery process so I think it's important to really look at and evaluate the relationship when you learn that addiction is an issue.
What's best for the addict might not be good for the partner, and from what I've heard and experienced, it's easy for a loving partner to focus so much on the addicted person's needs that they forget or ignore their own.
I hope and wish for the best for you and your boyfriend and it seems like a good thing that you're trying to find support from people who are in the same situation.
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