A rough year - is divorce inevitable?
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Winter,
I agree with the other posters, your children should be your priority. My AXH is an alcoholic/pot smoker. Daily for 35 years. My children are older, but there is no way that I would allow any age children to live full time with my self centered addict. I don't care if she has low self esteem or any other "junk". Go and read the forum of adult children of alcoholics. See the hell these kids have lived with. Why would you ever want that for your child. These children would crimp her style and she would go out "quickly" and come back in the evening. The kids are asleep and they would never miss her. Addicts put one thing first always, their addiction. I am sorry to be so mean.
Please consider trying to get full custody, these children so deserve it. There are so many codies that have requirements that their spouse have to be alcohol/drug tested before they take the children for just the weekend. These women/men are protecting their children, and IMO you need to also. If you have to take them out of state for you to get a sob, so be it. It beats living full time with a mother who is an addict.
Hugs my friend, please do your homework, talk to your attorney and think about the life your children will have with her alone. You can't take it any longer, so why should they have too?
I agree with the other posters, your children should be your priority. My AXH is an alcoholic/pot smoker. Daily for 35 years. My children are older, but there is no way that I would allow any age children to live full time with my self centered addict. I don't care if she has low self esteem or any other "junk". Go and read the forum of adult children of alcoholics. See the hell these kids have lived with. Why would you ever want that for your child. These children would crimp her style and she would go out "quickly" and come back in the evening. The kids are asleep and they would never miss her. Addicts put one thing first always, their addiction. I am sorry to be so mean.
Please consider trying to get full custody, these children so deserve it. There are so many codies that have requirements that their spouse have to be alcohol/drug tested before they take the children for just the weekend. These women/men are protecting their children, and IMO you need to also. If you have to take them out of state for you to get a sob, so be it. It beats living full time with a mother who is an addict.
Hugs my friend, please do your homework, talk to your attorney and think about the life your children will have with her alone. You can't take it any longer, so why should they have too?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 17
Thanks for the reply. That's where I am headed. I will book an appointment with a lawyer on Thursday and will squeeze another appointment in with another lawyer on Friday. I am documenting everything that has happened since January in a journal. I am noting abusive language and the number of instances she goes out till 2 to 530 am. I wish I could remember them all from September to December. I can only chart about a half a dozen blow out moments from that period. Frankly there is no need to document pot use because it is 8 to 15 times everyday from morning on. Crazy. That's been going on for several years. I finally feel ready to put myself and my kids first. I want to get my divorce papers ready before we talk. I dunno how I will get her out the house. Our house is rented so she can just leave without being a martial home issue and it will be obvious the kids stay.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Nothing will be easy. She will be Pxssed that you are messing with her. Then she will be apologetic and ask for forgiveness. I wasted 34 years waiting for my addict to get his act together. Constantly forgiving his horrible behavior.
I still love my addict, but I have been alone for about 15 months, it has been the most peaceful, calm wonderful place I have been in 30 years. Take your time and do what you need to do.
I still love my addict, but I have been alone for about 15 months, it has been the most peaceful, calm wonderful place I have been in 30 years. Take your time and do what you need to do.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,429
I would keep the applications going out, but for tenured positions, this really
isn't the time as you know for great jobs. That season is usually early Fall
unless it's different in your field?
Can you get any publications etc. lined up you had in process to get things rolling?
Also, if you have had lung disease issues, her smoking in the house
is about the worst thing I can think of for your condition.
Any chance to get that behavior modified?
isn't the time as you know for great jobs. That season is usually early Fall
unless it's different in your field?
Can you get any publications etc. lined up you had in process to get things rolling?
Also, if you have had lung disease issues, her smoking in the house
is about the worst thing I can think of for your condition.
Any chance to get that behavior modified?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 17
Hawkeye thanks for the reply. In my field the interview season is on now so I am doing one tomorrow and hoping for another later in the spring. Start dates are typically fall. Frankly the addiction has killed any interest I have in science. It is sometimes there but I can't write papers and just end up writing with other people. Nobody knows what is wrong with me and they think I am weird and depressed.
I don't smell her smoke because she goes outside however I got bronchitis last week from her because of her running around out in the city to 430 am over and over. I had to leave just so I could get well like getting sleep because I get so worried about where she is. She does text me when she is coming back I just wake up every hour.
Does anyone have any tips about how to talk to an addict about separation without talking about the addiction? I am planning to just focus me in the conversation. I am unhappy. I want a present partner. My wife gets crazy when I even talk about drugs. She told me many times don't you dare bring up my smoking. As if I don't have a right to call her on it. I told I did and never went well or anywhere. She tells me she doing the work to quit like going to yoga and therapy but she is high in all of these activities. I know she deliberately smokes before therapy. Ok I am rambling but you get a sense of where I am at here. I want to talk with her about me for a change. It's always about her.
I don't smell her smoke because she goes outside however I got bronchitis last week from her because of her running around out in the city to 430 am over and over. I had to leave just so I could get well like getting sleep because I get so worried about where she is. She does text me when she is coming back I just wake up every hour.
Does anyone have any tips about how to talk to an addict about separation without talking about the addiction? I am planning to just focus me in the conversation. I am unhappy. I want a present partner. My wife gets crazy when I even talk about drugs. She told me many times don't you dare bring up my smoking. As if I don't have a right to call her on it. I told I did and never went well or anywhere. She tells me she doing the work to quit like going to yoga and therapy but she is high in all of these activities. I know she deliberately smokes before therapy. Ok I am rambling but you get a sense of where I am at here. I want to talk with her about me for a change. It's always about her.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,004
Originally Posted by Winter245 
Hawkeye thanks for the reply. In my field the interview season is on now so I am doing one tomorrow and hoping for another later in the spring. Start dates are typically fall. Frankly the addiction has killed any interest I have in science. It is sometimes there but I can't write papers and just end up writing with other people. Nobody knows what is wrong with me and they think I am weird and depressed.
I don't smell her smoke because she goes outside however I got bronchitis last week from her because of her running around out in the city to 430 am over and over. I had to leave just so I could get well like getting sleep because I get so worried about where she is. She does text me when she is coming back I just wake up every hour.
Does anyone have any tips about how to talk to an addict about separation without talking about the addiction? I am planning to just focus me in the conversation. I am unhappy. I want a present partner. My wife gets crazy when I even talk about drugs. She told me many times don't you dare bring up my smoking. As if I don't have a right to call her on it. I told I did and never went well or anywhere. She tells me she doing the work to quit like going to yoga and therapy but she is high in all of these activities. I know she deliberately smokes before therapy. Ok I am rambling but you get a sense of where I am at here. I want to talk with her about me for a change. It's always about her.
I don't smell her smoke because she goes outside however I got bronchitis last week from her because of her running around out in the city to 430 am over and over. I had to leave just so I could get well like getting sleep because I get so worried about where she is. She does text me when she is coming back I just wake up every hour.
Does anyone have any tips about how to talk to an addict about separation without talking about the addiction? I am planning to just focus me in the conversation. I am unhappy. I want a present partner. My wife gets crazy when I even talk about drugs. She told me many times don't you dare bring up my smoking. As if I don't have a right to call her on it. I told I did and never went well or anywhere. She tells me she doing the work to quit like going to yoga and therapy but she is high in all of these activities. I know she deliberately smokes before therapy. Ok I am rambling but you get a sense of where I am at here. I want to talk with her about me for a change. It's always about her.
I'm hoping someone else will chime in with more on how to face the situation you are in.
I forget if you already said if you were going to Alanon?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 17
Thank you for encouragement. I plan to go to alanon on Thursday or Friday. I have see my lawyers first and paperwork planned while she is away. I found one of the stickies really helpful, a Drs advice to families of addicts by dr mate in Vancouver. It really hit home
I hope to hear about more words about saying goodbye though I working words myself. If feel sick at my stomach today from this.
I hope to hear about more words about saying goodbye though I working words myself. If feel sick at my stomach today from this.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,429
I think keeping the focus on you is wise.
Just limit it to that--the fact that you are unhappy is enough.
I think be very clear that this is non-negotiable and that your
joint focus should be on the kids and getting the co-parenting set
up in as civilized a way as possible.
Getting things in order with the lawyer first, and ready to serve
papers, etc. is important and don't discuss that with her at all.
Just say you are moving forward and that you hope the focus
can be on keeping the children as safe and protected as you both can
in a difficult situation.
Just limit it to that--the fact that you are unhappy is enough.
I think be very clear that this is non-negotiable and that your
joint focus should be on the kids and getting the co-parenting set
up in as civilized a way as possible.
Getting things in order with the lawyer first, and ready to serve
papers, etc. is important and don't discuss that with her at all.
Just say you are moving forward and that you hope the focus
can be on keeping the children as safe and protected as you both can
in a difficult situation.
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
Just keep it simple and stay on message Winter, and you'll be fine.
And at this point in the game, if you're not talking about making a safe place for your kids, there's no point in talking at all. There's nothing wrong with silence. Don't let her goad you into something that you don't want to say. Just stay on point. You want to take care of your kids and who can argue with that? And if they do, well - you can't reason with crazy (my favorite new phrase this year.)
And cut yourself some slack. You've been through a lot.
And at this point in the game, if you're not talking about making a safe place for your kids, there's no point in talking at all. There's nothing wrong with silence. Don't let her goad you into something that you don't want to say. Just stay on point. You want to take care of your kids and who can argue with that? And if they do, well - you can't reason with crazy (my favorite new phrase this year.)
And cut yourself some slack. You've been through a lot.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 178
Hi Winter. I am curious to hear how old the kids are. I guess if they asked if you were getting a divorce they must be over the age of 7?
I am glad someone else brought up the leaving the kids with your soon to be ex.
If she is as bad as you describe her why would you want the kids with her? Of course you might not be able to take them away from her completely but abandoning them doesn't sound nice.
I know a lot of single moms and many have to send their kids spend time with their dad , some 50/50, despite all kinds of bad behaviors, bad judgement ; one mom's ex actually broke her wrist in front of their son, dad still has the kid 50% of the time and she needs permission to go on vacation out of the country with the kid. There is no clean break when you have children.
In my experience parents smoking a lot of weed have bad judgement for example leaving little ones with strangers where they might not be safe, leaving them alone by a large body of water (one girl I know had to be rescued from drowning by her sister while mom and dad were smoking just a little farther away where they had no idea) or otherwise endangering the kids like a man I know who locked his children in a van to keep them safe on a very hot day. So I ask you Winter: Do you trust your wife's judgement with your children?
I am also wondering about this ,and maybe it's too personal to ask, but who does all the shopping (clothes, groceries and more), the cooking, the cleaning, the childminding (getting them up, packing their lunch, taking care of them when they are sick, getting them to bathe/bathing them,picking them up, dropping them off, taking them to the doctor....) ???
I am glad someone else brought up the leaving the kids with your soon to be ex.
If she is as bad as you describe her why would you want the kids with her? Of course you might not be able to take them away from her completely but abandoning them doesn't sound nice.
I know a lot of single moms and many have to send their kids spend time with their dad , some 50/50, despite all kinds of bad behaviors, bad judgement ; one mom's ex actually broke her wrist in front of their son, dad still has the kid 50% of the time and she needs permission to go on vacation out of the country with the kid. There is no clean break when you have children.
In my experience parents smoking a lot of weed have bad judgement for example leaving little ones with strangers where they might not be safe, leaving them alone by a large body of water (one girl I know had to be rescued from drowning by her sister while mom and dad were smoking just a little farther away where they had no idea) or otherwise endangering the kids like a man I know who locked his children in a van to keep them safe on a very hot day. So I ask you Winter: Do you trust your wife's judgement with your children?
I am also wondering about this ,and maybe it's too personal to ask, but who does all the shopping (clothes, groceries and more), the cooking, the cleaning, the childminding (getting them up, packing their lunch, taking care of them when they are sick, getting them to bathe/bathing them,picking them up, dropping them off, taking them to the doctor....) ???
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 17
Thanks for the reply and concern. We've had a hard road together besides the addiction. Well for the most part I do the domestic dad things like cleaning and cooking. She does the shopping and I do kid drop off and homework. I feel like she still has a great heart. I don't hate her and still love her. She did quit again after we spoke last night. I need to clearer on my boundaries. This is so hard. I am going alanon this week. I need it.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,004
Hey Winter, I so hope Alanon works for you. I know it isn't for everyone however it does seem to be one of the best resources out there and I'm wishing you all the support you can find.
Prayers, pixie dust, good juju, and dive bombs from multitudes of angels to you brave man! (pick whatever fits your spiritual or non spiritual beliefs!!)
Prayers, pixie dust, good juju, and dive bombs from multitudes of angels to you brave man! (pick whatever fits your spiritual or non spiritual beliefs!!)
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
She did quit again after we spoke last night.
I know that I'm massively projecting my experience with my sister onto yours, so you can take my advice with a grain of salt. I also know that marriage is hard - I'm happily married and it's STILL hard. However, it's good honest work - but it is work that you cannot bear alone.
Just be wary while you're hopeful.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 178
"the domestic dad things like cleaning and cooking" Wow, that's great that you
are really involved in the daily stuff, i was kind of wondering if your ex's anger was at having to "take care of you" (clean,cook,etc.) on top of taking care of the kids. Sorry, I guess I was projecting.
I wouldn't be surprised if your wife started sneaking around you as she probably doesn't think that pot is that big a deal?
I hope you get help in Alanon.
are really involved in the daily stuff, i was kind of wondering if your ex's anger was at having to "take care of you" (clean,cook,etc.) on top of taking care of the kids. Sorry, I guess I was projecting.
I wouldn't be surprised if your wife started sneaking around you as she probably doesn't think that pot is that big a deal?
I hope you get help in Alanon.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 17
thanks all for the replies. She is now sober for a week and promising the world. I still just feel empty in my relationship. At least the drugs are not around. I am just taking it day by day and still contemplating divorce over and over.
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