my 17yo son
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 9
my 17yo son
Hi,
This is my first post on this site.
I found this site while googling everything I could about drug abusing teens. I have been reading it for four days. My son is 17 and has been using weed, mdma and alcohol for about two years. The decline is almost textbook - high achieving student, talented sportsman and musician... to high school drop out and sneaky liar who disappears for days.
This has all come to a head this past month. We have had three different interactions with the police. The final one was last week when they were needed to get him into an ambulance after he smacked himself up on drugs and was injured. He spent a week in hospital and is now convalescing at home.
I spoke to him at length about his drug problem and how he is not managing it, rather his drug choices are managing him. I explained very calmly how he was given consequences regarding his drug use and essentially that meant zero tolerance or he moves out. Despite all that has happened on a criminal level and a nearly killing himself as a result of a drug induced accident, he is still fence-sitting.
He is currently housebound with his injuries. I think this will be my last attempt to 'save' him. I know from reading post after post this is essentially enabling but I have 6wks up my sleeve before he will be actively out there again. I don't even know what to do...
He talks about his life as if drugs are an integral part that he is not willing to give up. He says they make him 'happy' and that perhaps he will be too busy to use them this year. He claims he had too much spare time last year after he dropped out of school so he filled it up with more drugs.
I just can't believe what I am hearing. It makes no sense. I am drained at trying to make him see sense. He has this invincibility complex. Eighteen months ago we had him see a psychologist about his drug habit, we even sort a second opinion of family acquaintance who is trained in this area. Both were trying to tell us it was a phase and he is a good kid. I am just exasperated. I know they see far worse but why wait till he gets there?
It is killing me. I thought he was dead when we got the ambulance call last week . I haven't slept properly since. We have younger children who are seeing this being played out. It is sucking time away from them. I know I have to kick him out. I am not coping. He is my first born and I can just see everything slipping away.
This is my first post on this site.
I found this site while googling everything I could about drug abusing teens. I have been reading it for four days. My son is 17 and has been using weed, mdma and alcohol for about two years. The decline is almost textbook - high achieving student, talented sportsman and musician... to high school drop out and sneaky liar who disappears for days.
This has all come to a head this past month. We have had three different interactions with the police. The final one was last week when they were needed to get him into an ambulance after he smacked himself up on drugs and was injured. He spent a week in hospital and is now convalescing at home.
I spoke to him at length about his drug problem and how he is not managing it, rather his drug choices are managing him. I explained very calmly how he was given consequences regarding his drug use and essentially that meant zero tolerance or he moves out. Despite all that has happened on a criminal level and a nearly killing himself as a result of a drug induced accident, he is still fence-sitting.
He is currently housebound with his injuries. I think this will be my last attempt to 'save' him. I know from reading post after post this is essentially enabling but I have 6wks up my sleeve before he will be actively out there again. I don't even know what to do...
He talks about his life as if drugs are an integral part that he is not willing to give up. He says they make him 'happy' and that perhaps he will be too busy to use them this year. He claims he had too much spare time last year after he dropped out of school so he filled it up with more drugs.
I just can't believe what I am hearing. It makes no sense. I am drained at trying to make him see sense. He has this invincibility complex. Eighteen months ago we had him see a psychologist about his drug habit, we even sort a second opinion of family acquaintance who is trained in this area. Both were trying to tell us it was a phase and he is a good kid. I am just exasperated. I know they see far worse but why wait till he gets there?
It is killing me. I thought he was dead when we got the ambulance call last week . I haven't slept properly since. We have younger children who are seeing this being played out. It is sucking time away from them. I know I have to kick him out. I am not coping. He is my first born and I can just see everything slipping away.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Welcome to SR. I too am the mother of an addict, my son has been wrapped up in his addiction for about 20 years now. For years and years I tried to save him, my husband gave him a job and we let him come home many times, turning our home into a war zone each time.
What helped me find my sanity again and the courage to go forward with my life was meetings that offered support and a program that literally saved my life. CoDA and Al-anon were the fellowships I went to and Nar-anon has helped many here too. Maybe check your area and give it a try.
My son overdosed twice while living at home so I know your fear. Your son is younger than mine was when he began, I hope that works I your favour and that he gets off that bad path soon.
Hugs
What helped me find my sanity again and the courage to go forward with my life was meetings that offered support and a program that literally saved my life. CoDA and Al-anon were the fellowships I went to and Nar-anon has helped many here too. Maybe check your area and give it a try.
My son overdosed twice while living at home so I know your fear. Your son is younger than mine was when he began, I hope that works I your favour and that he gets off that bad path soon.
Hugs
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
He has this invincibility complex. Eighteen months ago we had him see a psychologist about his drug habit, we even sort a second opinion of family acquaintance who is trained in this area. Both were trying to tell us it was a phase and he is a good kid. I am just exasperated. I know they see far worse but why wait till he gets there?
My personal view is that as difficult as it may be, it is in his and your best interest to allow him to face the consequences of his actions. Perhaps during his time recovering from his injuries he can occupy his mind figuring out what he will do to support himself and where he will live. Perhaps it's a little too comfortable to be in mom and dad's house not going to school, getting high with all basic needs met.
I hope that you too can find time for yourself to attend meetings for families of loved ones with addiction problems and/or some one on one counseling for you. It's incredibly difficult to deal with such problems, and society (those who don't know what it is like to have an addicted child) has a way of making us feel we did something wrong based on our children's choices. The support you will find here and face to face is critical to your physical and emotional health.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 9
Originally Posted by greeteachday 
It's so sad when a "good kid" is sending all the messages that he desperately needs help; you do what you can to try to get him that help and because he is perceived as a "good kid" there is this willingness to give him a pass.
My personal view is that as difficult as it may be, it is in his and your best interest to allow him to face the consequences of his actions.
My personal view is that as difficult as it may be, it is in his and your best interest to allow him to face the consequences of his actions.
He has a part time job which he has managed to keep but I have warned him about the consequences of an accident at work particularly since they will do a drug test.
While I sat at the hospital last week I was tired of the disparaging comments about his accident being drug related. He is semi-conscious and doesn't remember any of it, but me, I had to sit there and listen to them talk about someone I use to know.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Cat5.....I have been through what you are going through...(it was many years ago)...
I can share some of what I have l earned (the hard way).....
First of all.....the advice that you got from your sources was wrong advice...you can see that now...?
You have just a short time left (since he is 17) to exert your legal parental control....
Realize that, at this age, his peer group and environment that he runs in have hughly more importance than you do.....
Most parents, I find,get too little help too late....
I suggest that you seek y our help through professionals who work exclusively with young people--teens---and, are familiar with addictions.....
My guess is that he needs to be living in a structured environment..where he simultaneously recives therapy and educational services......away from home....
He needs to develop interests that he can delve into......
He doesn't have the boundaries for any of this, right now....and you can't do it yourself.....
I would say to get him into a residential school/treatment facility...as far from home as p ossible.....
Do what ever you have to do to find such a place.....find whatever grants, programs, etc. that you will need. You will have to be willing to do some digging....there is help and you will have to do some detective work and turn over a lot of rocks to find it.....
You will have to face the fact, that, after a certain age...no child gets sober or into genuine recovery in their parent's home. I am sorry mom...but, that is the reality of it.....
The sooner you take decisive action...the better his chances are.....
Several years ago, my niece..my sister's brilliant and beautiful daughter went over the edge much like you describe...only worse!. My sjster and her husband nearly went out of their minds......
They ended up placing her in a residential school/treatment facility in remote Utah....they lived on the East Coast...lol.... (this insured that she could not possibly run away)......
She stayed there for a year and a half....and she emerged as a strikingly different person. Her parents received treatment through a p rogram that the treatment facility recommended (insisted) that they must do......
She never returned home to live..more than visits....
Today, she is an independent young woman...who ultimately got her degree in exercise physiology...training athletes.....
I can remember sitting with her father, at his dining room table while he sobbed. out of fear and frustration.
I could go on and on...but, I just wanted to share this with you.....
dandylion
I can share some of what I have l earned (the hard way).....
First of all.....the advice that you got from your sources was wrong advice...you can see that now...?
You have just a short time left (since he is 17) to exert your legal parental control....
Realize that, at this age, his peer group and environment that he runs in have hughly more importance than you do.....
Most parents, I find,get too little help too late....
I suggest that you seek y our help through professionals who work exclusively with young people--teens---and, are familiar with addictions.....
My guess is that he needs to be living in a structured environment..where he simultaneously recives therapy and educational services......away from home....
He needs to develop interests that he can delve into......
He doesn't have the boundaries for any of this, right now....and you can't do it yourself.....
I would say to get him into a residential school/treatment facility...as far from home as p ossible.....
Do what ever you have to do to find such a place.....find whatever grants, programs, etc. that you will need. You will have to be willing to do some digging....there is help and you will have to do some detective work and turn over a lot of rocks to find it.....
You will have to face the fact, that, after a certain age...no child gets sober or into genuine recovery in their parent's home. I am sorry mom...but, that is the reality of it.....
The sooner you take decisive action...the better his chances are.....
Several years ago, my niece..my sister's brilliant and beautiful daughter went over the edge much like you describe...only worse!. My sjster and her husband nearly went out of their minds......
They ended up placing her in a residential school/treatment facility in remote Utah....they lived on the East Coast...lol.... (this insured that she could not possibly run away)......
She stayed there for a year and a half....and she emerged as a strikingly different person. Her parents received treatment through a p rogram that the treatment facility recommended (insisted) that they must do......
She never returned home to live..more than visits....
Today, she is an independent young woman...who ultimately got her degree in exercise physiology...training athletes.....
I can remember sitting with her father, at his dining room table while he sobbed. out of fear and frustration.
I could go on and on...but, I just wanted to share this with you.....
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Wilmington, DE
Posts: 393
Cat5,
Welcome, here at SR you have found one good place to share with kindred spirits, unfortunately many of us have walked in your shoes.
Although SR is a wonderful spot, I think nothing beats a face-to-face encounter with others, like many others here, I found mine at Nar-Anon. Others have had great luck with Al-Anon or Codependents Anonymous.
Try this link for a Nar-Anon meeting near you: Find a Meeting ? Nar-Anon Family Groups
If you have a choice of meetings in your area then "shop around" at the different meetings - the dynamics of the groups can be considerably different. Try to attend at least 3 times before making a decision as to whether the program or a particular meeting is a good fit for you.
Keep coming back,
Jim
Welcome, here at SR you have found one good place to share with kindred spirits, unfortunately many of us have walked in your shoes.
Although SR is a wonderful spot, I think nothing beats a face-to-face encounter with others, like many others here, I found mine at Nar-Anon. Others have had great luck with Al-Anon or Codependents Anonymous.
Try this link for a Nar-Anon meeting near you: Find a Meeting ? Nar-Anon Family Groups
If you have a choice of meetings in your area then "shop around" at the different meetings - the dynamics of the groups can be considerably different. Try to attend at least 3 times before making a decision as to whether the program or a particular meeting is a good fit for you.
Keep coming back,
Jim
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 9
Thank you Dandylion.
Last Saturday I tried to speak to the local police youth services. The transit police who delivered him home stoned told me they have programs for teens like him. I will call again today.
I am hesitant to send him away because he has paid upfront for a diploma course ($4000 from his part time job earnings) - it was one of my stipulations that if he left school he needed to find another way to meet the minimum education standard for University. He passed all the literacy and numeracy tests plus an additional assessment because he did not finish high school. It was quite a feat and he is quite proud that he is funding it himself (he hasn't busted all his money on drugs/alcohol thankfully). He is really looking forward to the course.
Yesterday while I was getting his medication for his injuries I picked up a brochure for drug testing and handed it to him. It was part of the conditions of remaining at home following his recovery we had talked about several nights previously. He needs to buy the tests and they are quite expensive. He was uncomfortable with the idea and said it was rude to expect him to pay (laughable or what???). If he fails the test, he leaves.
I have asked him to think about where he will live? I think he is rethinking his situation because we have planted some seeds surrounding his recent accident. His 'friends' have been MIA, they didn't even call the ambulance. Not one of them contacted us to see how he was apart from one who had his mother send a text message. I also pointed out that not one has come to house since he was discharged from hospital. They are really lousy and up until this point we have not been able to prove otherwise.
Any further opinions all gratefully received.
Last Saturday I tried to speak to the local police youth services. The transit police who delivered him home stoned told me they have programs for teens like him. I will call again today.
I am hesitant to send him away because he has paid upfront for a diploma course ($4000 from his part time job earnings) - it was one of my stipulations that if he left school he needed to find another way to meet the minimum education standard for University. He passed all the literacy and numeracy tests plus an additional assessment because he did not finish high school. It was quite a feat and he is quite proud that he is funding it himself (he hasn't busted all his money on drugs/alcohol thankfully). He is really looking forward to the course.
Yesterday while I was getting his medication for his injuries I picked up a brochure for drug testing and handed it to him. It was part of the conditions of remaining at home following his recovery we had talked about several nights previously. He needs to buy the tests and they are quite expensive. He was uncomfortable with the idea and said it was rude to expect him to pay (laughable or what???). If he fails the test, he leaves.
I have asked him to think about where he will live? I think he is rethinking his situation because we have planted some seeds surrounding his recent accident. His 'friends' have been MIA, they didn't even call the ambulance. Not one of them contacted us to see how he was apart from one who had his mother send a text message. I also pointed out that not one has come to house since he was discharged from hospital. They are really lousy and up until this point we have not been able to prove otherwise.
Any further opinions all gratefully received.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
One section of the book. Rational Recovery lays out that addicts suck up too much of a family's resources and attention. You've got other kids at home yet watching all of these poor choices with school and drugs unfold under your roof. What is the family rules and consequence for that? good kid or not, what are the boundaries? Can you lay them out and enforce them?
I can't tell you how many parent stories I hear at Al Anon meetings. Their addict adult kids live in the basement, they live in the garage. They live in their car in the driveway.... Sucking up resources and never really getting free of what keeps them circling like a pigeons about to poop on its own roost. These parents are so worn down from trying to save their addict child. And sure enough they get pooped on. All that desperate worry and they get **** on. Addicts always take any opening to the manipulative max. They always value using over anything and anyone else. Your son wasn't thinking about putting his diploma program into jeopardy or his living situation... He just kept using.
Your other kids and you deserve a safe drug free home.
I can't tell you how many parent stories I hear at Al Anon meetings. Their addict adult kids live in the basement, they live in the garage. They live in their car in the driveway.... Sucking up resources and never really getting free of what keeps them circling like a pigeons about to poop on its own roost. These parents are so worn down from trying to save their addict child. And sure enough they get pooped on. All that desperate worry and they get **** on. Addicts always take any opening to the manipulative max. They always value using over anything and anyone else. Your son wasn't thinking about putting his diploma program into jeopardy or his living situation... He just kept using.
Your other kids and you deserve a safe drug free home.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Cat5...
Welcome to the Board. I cannot top what greeteachday said. I'd like to comment on this:
I'm a musician, and as such, I'm aware of a lot of famous musicians who believe that altering their consciousness becomes an integral part of their makeup. Look at Miles Davis, Billie Holliday, Ray Charles, Janis Joplin, Jimmy Page, Joe Walsh, Steve Tyler, Joe Perry, Scott Weiland...and the list goes on and on. They didn't find out it was a lie until the price they paid exceeded the benefit of being under the influence by orders of magnitude. Drugs take away everything, including (in some cases) your life.
A 17 year old kid has a lot of growing up to do as it is. But when a 17 year old is under the influence, that curve becomes that much steeper. Your AS wants what he wants...only he doesn't want to pay the price for his choices. And this is where greeteachday hits it out of the park:
It will go against every maternal instinct you have not to save him from himself. Then again, what choice do you have?
Sorry you have to go through this, Cat5. But I'm glad you're here. Keep us posted.
Welcome to the Board. I cannot top what greeteachday said. I'd like to comment on this:
He talks about his life as if drugs are an integral part that he is not willing to give up. He says they make him 'happy' and that perhaps he will be too busy to use them this year. He claims he had too much spare time last year after he dropped out of school so he filled it up with more drugs.
A 17 year old kid has a lot of growing up to do as it is. But when a 17 year old is under the influence, that curve becomes that much steeper. Your AS wants what he wants...only he doesn't want to pay the price for his choices. And this is where greeteachday hits it out of the park:
My personal view is that as difficult as it may be, it is in his and your best interest to allow him to face the consequences of his actions.
Sorry you have to go through this, Cat5. But I'm glad you're here. Keep us posted.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 214
Have you given up on therapy? What about family therapy?
I believe family has a great deal of influence especially with a young adult, but you need to learn how to harness it. And you need support for the emotional turmoil you must feel.
Its best not to prevent consequences, but most professionals are now suggesting we not sit back and expect this to bring change on its own. Early intervention keeps addiction from progressing and is much easier to treat.
Has your son ever been diagnosed with mental health or emotional issues? Often these exist and the use of drugs is a way to cope.
Your the parent and get to set the rules for your home. I think maybe a professional could help you firm this up, and maybe improve the situation for you and others in your home.
I believe family has a great deal of influence especially with a young adult, but you need to learn how to harness it. And you need support for the emotional turmoil you must feel.
Its best not to prevent consequences, but most professionals are now suggesting we not sit back and expect this to bring change on its own. Early intervention keeps addiction from progressing and is much easier to treat.
Has your son ever been diagnosed with mental health or emotional issues? Often these exist and the use of drugs is a way to cope.
Your the parent and get to set the rules for your home. I think maybe a professional could help you firm this up, and maybe improve the situation for you and others in your home.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 303
Like mentioned above, get him to a good paychiatrist/therapist. I was doing similar at that age and since then (24 yrs old) should have died about 6 different times. Thinking back nothing my family could tell me was even considered for a second, my main problems were mental, I was mad at the world with undiagnosed ADD and had the typical teenage invincibility. I knew exactly what i was doing, but i didn't care. The only thing that helped me was surviving and learning more about myself in the process.
A good psychiatrist and therapist could help, stop supporting his habits, but try to come off like you're on his side. If you are judgemental and attack everything he does he will just want to rebel more. Talk to him a lot in an understanding way, try to get along the best you can. Dont talk negatively and put him down. Treating him like he's an idiot and a clueless kid that needs to be monitored will only make things worse.
I know it is a very hard situation, at that age kids don't want to listen and do what's good for them. There is only so much you can do other than kick him out, but be open and accepting for hin if he ever wants to change. Positivity helps, let him know you think he has it in him to straighten up and all that. Good luck
A good psychiatrist and therapist could help, stop supporting his habits, but try to come off like you're on his side. If you are judgemental and attack everything he does he will just want to rebel more. Talk to him a lot in an understanding way, try to get along the best you can. Dont talk negatively and put him down. Treating him like he's an idiot and a clueless kid that needs to be monitored will only make things worse.
I know it is a very hard situation, at that age kids don't want to listen and do what's good for them. There is only so much you can do other than kick him out, but be open and accepting for hin if he ever wants to change. Positivity helps, let him know you think he has it in him to straighten up and all that. Good luck
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 9
Thank you everyone. Your advice is invaluable.
The plan at the moment is to meet all the medical specialists and get him well. Part of his recovery is a strict 'no drugs' policy (he has a traumatic brain injury).
jimt91 "I knew exactly what i was doing, but i didn't care. "
I think there was a moment of clarity when he read his hospital report and spoke with the Brain Injury Specialist today. The questions she was asking him really made him wonder about his recovery and what he could have lost. I could see it in his face. Being intelligent was always something he prided himself on so hopefully something threatening this could be the thing to turn him around. He has been advised to withdraw from his diploma course - he is of course now more determined to do it. I won't let him withdraw. There are options we can explore with this one. Leaving him idle would be a mistake.
Maybe he was joining the dots? Maybe I am clutching at straws.
I explained to him that this was his home and he was welcome here as long as he needs to be, but if he chooses to take drugs he cannot stay. I have talked about how close he was to killing himself , and how fortunate he has been to escape relatively unscathed: no brain damage. I have briefly covered the grief we would be left with if the worse case scenarios had eventuated (death/disability). I told him today how his little brother cried when he heard about the accident. How much with love him and how much of his life he has ahead of him. I joked that his '30yrs old self' in the future might like to slap the 17yo that is here now
Have you given up on therapy? What about family therapy?
I believe family has a great deal of influence especially with a young adult, but you need to learn how to harness it. And you need support for the emotional turmoil you must feel.
Its best not to prevent consequences, but most professionals are now suggesting we not sit back and expect this to bring change on its own. Early intervention keeps addiction from progressing and is much easier to treat.
Has your son ever been diagnosed with mental health or emotional issues? Often these exist and the use of drugs is a way to cope.
Your the parent and get to set the rules for your home. I think maybe a professional could help you firm this up, and maybe improve the situation for you and others in your home.
18mths ago we attended a psychologist. At the end of all the sessions he told us that there were no mental health issues and that he had no goals. So we tightened up the rules at home and we thought he was responding: instead he starting indulging during school time.
I intend getting support from a family drug and alcohol service for youth. The brain injury specialist gave me the number today. My son has refused counselling but I will see what the youth service can work out - I have told him the Brain Injury Specialist said he needs to go there. She recommended it, I told him it is all part of the recovery plan before he sees the neurosurgeon to be signed off.
My biggest problem is accepting how serious I need to be about all of this. I know now is the time to strike.
The plan at the moment is to meet all the medical specialists and get him well. Part of his recovery is a strict 'no drugs' policy (he has a traumatic brain injury).
jimt91 "I knew exactly what i was doing, but i didn't care. "
I think there was a moment of clarity when he read his hospital report and spoke with the Brain Injury Specialist today. The questions she was asking him really made him wonder about his recovery and what he could have lost. I could see it in his face. Being intelligent was always something he prided himself on so hopefully something threatening this could be the thing to turn him around. He has been advised to withdraw from his diploma course - he is of course now more determined to do it. I won't let him withdraw. There are options we can explore with this one. Leaving him idle would be a mistake.
Maybe he was joining the dots? Maybe I am clutching at straws.
I explained to him that this was his home and he was welcome here as long as he needs to be, but if he chooses to take drugs he cannot stay. I have talked about how close he was to killing himself , and how fortunate he has been to escape relatively unscathed: no brain damage. I have briefly covered the grief we would be left with if the worse case scenarios had eventuated (death/disability). I told him today how his little brother cried when he heard about the accident. How much with love him and how much of his life he has ahead of him. I joked that his '30yrs old self' in the future might like to slap the 17yo that is here now
Have you given up on therapy? What about family therapy?
I believe family has a great deal of influence especially with a young adult, but you need to learn how to harness it. And you need support for the emotional turmoil you must feel.
Its best not to prevent consequences, but most professionals are now suggesting we not sit back and expect this to bring change on its own. Early intervention keeps addiction from progressing and is much easier to treat.
Has your son ever been diagnosed with mental health or emotional issues? Often these exist and the use of drugs is a way to cope.
Your the parent and get to set the rules for your home. I think maybe a professional could help you firm this up, and maybe improve the situation for you and others in your home.
18mths ago we attended a psychologist. At the end of all the sessions he told us that there were no mental health issues and that he had no goals. So we tightened up the rules at home and we thought he was responding: instead he starting indulging during school time.
I intend getting support from a family drug and alcohol service for youth. The brain injury specialist gave me the number today. My son has refused counselling but I will see what the youth service can work out - I have told him the Brain Injury Specialist said he needs to go there. She recommended it, I told him it is all part of the recovery plan before he sees the neurosurgeon to be signed off.
My biggest problem is accepting how serious I need to be about all of this. I know now is the time to strike.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
cat5....I hope the youth service can work something out, also.....because he needs help...even if he doesn't want it. He is 17yrs. old. You are stil; responsible for his welfare.....legally (and morally).....
You are older than 17yrs. and you have to do many things that you don't want to do....but, are necessary...lol...
He will have to face many things in life that he doesn't like, so, he might as well get used to it.....
Don't forget that as long as he is in your house...you have leverage....
Be strong, momma....and get some support for yourself, also. You need it as bad (maybe more) as he does!
dandylion
You are older than 17yrs. and you have to do many things that you don't want to do....but, are necessary...lol...
He will have to face many things in life that he doesn't like, so, he might as well get used to it.....
Don't forget that as long as he is in your house...you have leverage....
Be strong, momma....and get some support for yourself, also. You need it as bad (maybe more) as he does!
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 220
Originally Posted by cat5
Thank you Dandylion.
Last Saturday I tried to speak to the local police youth services. The transit police who delivered him home stoned told me they have programs for teens like him. I will call again today.
I am hesitant to send him away because he has paid upfront for a diploma course ($4000 from his part time job earnings) - it was one of my stipulations that if he left school he needed to find another way to meet the minimum education standard for University. He passed all the literacy and numeracy tests plus an additional assessment because he did not finish high school. It was quite a feat and he is quite proud that he is funding it himself (he hasn't busted all his money on drugs/alcohol thankfully). He is really looking forward to the course.
Yesterday while I was getting his medication for his injuries I picked up a brochure for drug testing and handed it to him. It was part of the conditions of remaining at home following his recovery we had talked about several nights previously. He needs to buy the tests and they are quite expensive. He was uncomfortable with the idea and said it was rude to expect him to pay (laughable or what???). If he fails the test, he leaves.
I have asked him to think about where he will live? I think he is rethinking his situation because we have planted some seeds surrounding his recent accident. His 'friends' have been MIA, they didn't even call the ambulance. Not one of them contacted us to see how he was apart from one who had his mother send a text message. I also pointed out that not one has come to house since he was discharged from hospital. They are really lousy and up until this point we have not been able to prove otherwise.
Any further opinions all gratefully received.
Last Saturday I tried to speak to the local police youth services. The transit police who delivered him home stoned told me they have programs for teens like him. I will call again today.
I am hesitant to send him away because he has paid upfront for a diploma course ($4000 from his part time job earnings) - it was one of my stipulations that if he left school he needed to find another way to meet the minimum education standard for University. He passed all the literacy and numeracy tests plus an additional assessment because he did not finish high school. It was quite a feat and he is quite proud that he is funding it himself (he hasn't busted all his money on drugs/alcohol thankfully). He is really looking forward to the course.
Yesterday while I was getting his medication for his injuries I picked up a brochure for drug testing and handed it to him. It was part of the conditions of remaining at home following his recovery we had talked about several nights previously. He needs to buy the tests and they are quite expensive. He was uncomfortable with the idea and said it was rude to expect him to pay (laughable or what???). If he fails the test, he leaves.
I have asked him to think about where he will live? I think he is rethinking his situation because we have planted some seeds surrounding his recent accident. His 'friends' have been MIA, they didn't even call the ambulance. Not one of them contacted us to see how he was apart from one who had his mother send a text message. I also pointed out that not one has come to house since he was discharged from hospital. They are really lousy and up until this point we have not been able to prove otherwise.
Any further opinions all gratefully received.
I sure hope they didn't give him opiates for PAIN!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 9
Originally Posted by Bluehawaii
I sure hope they didn't give him opiates for PAIN!!!
We have a different dilemma this afternoon - the police want to see him for a previous drug issue.
I am screaming on the inside and I think I need run away. I am suppose to go back to work on Monday. I really don't know how I am going to focus.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 2
I too am new to this group, but you took every word right out of my mouth..
My son is almost 17, at 6'5 an incredible athlete, and an A student.. he has just dropped out of school and pot has consumed his life.
I also have 3 other children, he is my oldest..
Everyday all we smell is pot.. in the middle of the night, I've been woken up by the smell.. I have never caught him "in the act" but you can't mistake the smell...
We have tried in and out rehab, it didn't work for him.. he's not ready and hasn't hit rock bottom.
He was just arrested last week and is going to court tomorrow. He had over 40 grams of pot on him.. that is ALOT.
I know the helplessness you are feeling. I too am unable to kick him out, he is my baby, my first born. How can a mother do that, where do you find the strength to do it. Since his arrest, we have "relocated" him to family members house. We have his cell phone, and the text messages he keeps receiving are unbelievable. The amount kids looking to buy weed, and smoke with him is incredible. I am grateful that he got caught, I'm hoping that being involved in drug court, and his two night stay in the holding center will change his view. It is so sad when a child, mine or yours takes this path and the heartbreak it causes the whole household. I hope him being laid up will help, and I hope you find the strength to support him, and hold your household together.
My son is almost 17, at 6'5 an incredible athlete, and an A student.. he has just dropped out of school and pot has consumed his life.
I also have 3 other children, he is my oldest..
Everyday all we smell is pot.. in the middle of the night, I've been woken up by the smell.. I have never caught him "in the act" but you can't mistake the smell...
We have tried in and out rehab, it didn't work for him.. he's not ready and hasn't hit rock bottom.
He was just arrested last week and is going to court tomorrow. He had over 40 grams of pot on him.. that is ALOT.
I know the helplessness you are feeling. I too am unable to kick him out, he is my baby, my first born. How can a mother do that, where do you find the strength to do it. Since his arrest, we have "relocated" him to family members house. We have his cell phone, and the text messages he keeps receiving are unbelievable. The amount kids looking to buy weed, and smoke with him is incredible. I am grateful that he got caught, I'm hoping that being involved in drug court, and his two night stay in the holding center will change his view. It is so sad when a child, mine or yours takes this path and the heartbreak it causes the whole household. I hope him being laid up will help, and I hope you find the strength to support him, and hold your household together.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 9
Originally Posted by ploneill68
I too am new to this group, but you took every word right out of my mouth..
It is so sad when a child, mine or yours takes this path and the heartbreak it causes the whole household. I hope him being laid up will help, and I hope you find the strength to support him, and hold your household together.
It is so sad when a child, mine or yours takes this path and the heartbreak it causes the whole household. I hope him being laid up will help, and I hope you find the strength to support him, and hold your household together.
We finished at the police station. He was caught last month with 1.8gms of weed when police searched him on the train. Today he received an official caution from the police, so no criminal record (yet). The 30min interview was supposed to offer him a fresh start, keep him out of the court system. He was so blasé in the interview. Not disrespectful but arrogant of his circumstances. He fails to accept that what he is doing is unlawful and that it will lead to a criminal charge next time. He also lied about this usage which will come back to bite him once police get the report from his accident... he was smashed when he fell injured himself.
He is such a tosser - when the police ask him if he will ever purchase, use, seek out or abuse drugs again, he said he could not make promises for the rest of his life. The police officer told him that his self absorbed teenage bubble is about burst.
He was joking about the interview on the way back to the car. I tried to talk to him but he was useless. He keep throwing it back in face - apparently 'I" think the only rules worth following are my rules and no one else can live their life any other way. I am just absolutely stunned with his attitude. You would think after nearly killing himself and then fronting up to the police station you might see things a little differently. But no, not my son. When I parked in our driveway I lost it. All the last months frustrations were released. The pain, grief and frustration he has caused, the police visits, the lies, the fear that he had damaged his brain... and I reiterated the consequence of drug use in relation to living at home.
I am so flipping angry and tired. In less than 30mins he completely lost any hope of me wanting him in my home. I saw him in a different light and it made me sick.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Cat, as a mama of an addict (although my son is now much older than yours), I KNOW the pain of facing the cold hard truth that our sons are just not ready yet to do what they need to do to save their lives.
I like what Phone said about taking away the cell phone, the kid doesn't need it and if it is paid for by you then you have every right to take back all privileges until he faces up to his responsibility and changes his attitude.
As long as he lives at home you have every right to set the rules and your own personal boundaries. And poo on what he things about it, of course he will resist. At 30 years old my son came to live at home again (another war zone story), and one of MY rules/boundaries was that he had to be home by 10 PM, this was about ME needing my sleep and I couldn't relax until he was home. A curfew at 30 was not treating him like a child, it was about be taking back my life, my home and my boundaries on what I could live with and what I could not.
When my son tried to debate my rules, I would tell him that he could live at home and follow my rules, or break them and live anywhere else...I would love him just the same but I would not tolerate active addiction in my home. In the end "anywhere else" was his choice and he still struggles with addiction many years later, but my life is stable once more.
I get through my days by saying a prayer each morning, asking God to take care of my son. Then I live in faith the rest of the day knowing that He can do for my son what I cannot.
Prayers out today for your son too.
Hugs
I like what Phone said about taking away the cell phone, the kid doesn't need it and if it is paid for by you then you have every right to take back all privileges until he faces up to his responsibility and changes his attitude.
As long as he lives at home you have every right to set the rules and your own personal boundaries. And poo on what he things about it, of course he will resist. At 30 years old my son came to live at home again (another war zone story), and one of MY rules/boundaries was that he had to be home by 10 PM, this was about ME needing my sleep and I couldn't relax until he was home. A curfew at 30 was not treating him like a child, it was about be taking back my life, my home and my boundaries on what I could live with and what I could not.
When my son tried to debate my rules, I would tell him that he could live at home and follow my rules, or break them and live anywhere else...I would love him just the same but I would not tolerate active addiction in my home. In the end "anywhere else" was his choice and he still struggles with addiction many years later, but my life is stable once more.
I get through my days by saying a prayer each morning, asking God to take care of my son. Then I live in faith the rest of the day knowing that He can do for my son what I cannot.
Prayers out today for your son too.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I am sorry Cat. Kids (and they are kids for a looonng time), can be so immature and just have no idea of what a consequence is going to look like. It's sickening when you are the one watching it happen. Sort of like watching a train wreck that you can do nothing about.
He has to learn consequences, and it sounds like the police gave him a good idea of what is going to happen if he does not change his ways. Now, it's up to him.
Tight hugs. You are a good momma, and you are doing everything you can do. You and your son are in my prayers.
He has to learn consequences, and it sounds like the police gave him a good idea of what is going to happen if he does not change his ways. Now, it's up to him.
Tight hugs. You are a good momma, and you are doing everything you can do. You and your son are in my prayers.
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