Boyfriend left me after Rehab
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Join Date: Jan 2016
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Originally Posted by zoso77 
OK. He comes back. You're elated. What happens next? In all probability, the following.
He starts becoming distant. You wonder what's going on. He says nothing. Then he starts not calling. Or he doesn't come home. You get worried and scared and call him out. You ask if he's using again. He denies it. But his eyeballs are pinned. Or maybe he's been drinking. And before you know it, you're right back to where you were.
Qualitatively speaking, most opiate addicts don't achieve recovery. You'll find enough anecdotal evidence here that supports that statement. So this raises some uncomfortable questions. Like what's worse: saying goodbye once and for all, or getting back together with him and going through the same ordeal again.
It is never easy to say goodbye to someone we love, Linzey It f*cking sucks, to tell you the truth. But sometimes in order for us to be well and steady, we don't have a choice. By seeking us out and posting, you were likely in a place where you were neither well nor steady. But you want to be, which is why you're soliciting feedback on how to get there.
Sometimes to get to a place where we need to be, we have to make some difficult choices, ones we don't want to make. Keep that in mind going forward.
He starts becoming distant. You wonder what's going on. He says nothing. Then he starts not calling. Or he doesn't come home. You get worried and scared and call him out. You ask if he's using again. He denies it. But his eyeballs are pinned. Or maybe he's been drinking. And before you know it, you're right back to where you were.
Qualitatively speaking, most opiate addicts don't achieve recovery. You'll find enough anecdotal evidence here that supports that statement. So this raises some uncomfortable questions. Like what's worse: saying goodbye once and for all, or getting back together with him and going through the same ordeal again.
It is never easy to say goodbye to someone we love, Linzey It f*cking sucks, to tell you the truth. But sometimes in order for us to be well and steady, we don't have a choice. By seeking us out and posting, you were likely in a place where you were neither well nor steady. But you want to be, which is why you're soliciting feedback on how to get there.
Sometimes to get to a place where we need to be, we have to make some difficult choices, ones we don't want to make. Keep that in mind going forward.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
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Linzey, I'm super impressed that as young as you are you are trying to untangle this painful ordeal.
Please keep posting; you seem like a super sharp young woman. I hope someday this experience will jell into some good solid wisdom. Hang tough and be kind to yourself beautiful lady!
Please keep posting; you seem like a super sharp young woman. I hope someday this experience will jell into some good solid wisdom. Hang tough and be kind to yourself beautiful lady!
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 214
You're right. But in my mindset I couldn't walk away without giving him a fair shot at working a strong recovery. But he doesn't want anything to do with me so there isn't much left of that hope anyway, just need to find a way to detach and move on
That hurts. And the reasons are foggy given the circumstances. When I have facts, answers its always easier for me to reach a conclusion, make a decision or close a chapter. Life doesnt always grace us with answers, at least not when we need them most. But I feel like your processing it all effectively.
I hope your able to share this pain with some family or close friends. Maybe they can help get your mind off it for a while. I have felt a "hole" being in my life after situations like this. It takea time to fill the space for the day to day of living.
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Join Date: Nov 2015
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I can totally identify with Linzey; I find that a weakness of this forum to be honest. Most people who frequent the forum are either living with their addicted SOs or are the parents or husbands of their SOs. But I think this non-communicative thing is not addressed enough by people on the forum. AS I've said repeatedly, I knew absolutely nothing about my gf's addiction or dependence until she mentioned it. And with each passing day in detox; she became colder, more distant and non-communicative, until she cut me off cold turkey --- to the point of even restricting me from seeing her Google + account.
So, I'm with Linzey on this; we need to hear from more addicts about WHY these people go incommunicado. I don't buy it's because they are ashamed or feel guilty or any of that. I think it's a much more selfish action; a cowardly walk-out-the-door I could care less type thing.
So, I'm with Linzey on this; we need to hear from more addicts about WHY these people go incommunicado. I don't buy it's because they are ashamed or feel guilty or any of that. I think it's a much more selfish action; a cowardly walk-out-the-door I could care less type thing.
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
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Originally Posted by cloudyskies
I can totally identify with Linzey; I find that a weakness of this forum to be honest. Most people who frequent the forum are either living with their addicted SOs or are the parents or husbands of their SOs. But I think this non-communicative thing is not addressed enough by people on the forum. AS I've said repeatedly, I knew absolutely nothing about my gf's addiction or dependence until she mentioned it. And with each passing day in detox; she became colder, more distant and non-communicative, until she cut me off cold turkey --- to the point of even restricting me from seeing her Google + account.
So, I'm with Linzey on this; we need to hear from more addicts about WHY these people go incommunicado. I don't buy it's because they are ashamed or feel guilty or any of that. I think it's a much more selfish action; a cowardly walk-out-the-door I could care less type thing.
So, I'm with Linzey on this; we need to hear from more addicts about WHY these people go incommunicado. I don't buy it's because they are ashamed or feel guilty or any of that. I think it's a much more selfish action; a cowardly walk-out-the-door I could care less type thing.
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 214
Im new here but was recently reminded this forum is only to discuss our recovery and not our loved ones. I think the forums mentioned we could talk about "them" were Family of Addicts, secular, substance abuse.
Please correct me if Im wrong moderators. This is my understanding.
Please correct me if Im wrong moderators. This is my understanding.
Originally Posted by cloudyskies
I can totally identify with Linzey; I find that a weakness of this forum to be honest. Most people who frequent the forum are either living with their addicted SOs or are the parents or husbands of their SOs. But I think this non-communicative thing is not addressed enough by people on the forum. AS I've said repeatedly, I knew absolutely nothing about my gf's addiction or dependence until she mentioned it. And with each passing day in detox; she became colder, more distant and non-communicative, until she cut me off cold turkey --- to the point of even restricting me from seeing her Google + account.
So, I'm with Linzey on this; we need to hear from more addicts about WHY these people go incommunicado. I don't buy it's because they are ashamed or feel guilty or any of that. I think it's a much more selfish action; a cowardly walk-out-the-door I could care less type thing.
So, I'm with Linzey on this; we need to hear from more addicts about WHY these people go incommunicado. I don't buy it's because they are ashamed or feel guilty or any of that. I think it's a much more selfish action; a cowardly walk-out-the-door I could care less type thing.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,969
Linzey, I hope you are making it through each day of this grieving time.
Once you are out of a relationship, you will probably find you have more time to fill. I remember one poster whose ABF left her after 10 years. She posted that she planned to learn to play the piano. I actually learned to speak Spanish fairly proficiently when I left my ABF. I was very in love so leaving the Northern Hemisphere seemed advisable; I went on an extended visit to Bolivia in South America! Let us know how you are doing.
Once you are out of a relationship, you will probably find you have more time to fill. I remember one poster whose ABF left her after 10 years. She posted that she planned to learn to play the piano. I actually learned to speak Spanish fairly proficiently when I left my ABF. I was very in love so leaving the Northern Hemisphere seemed advisable; I went on an extended visit to Bolivia in South America! Let us know how you are doing.
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Hi Linzey,
I am so sorry you are going through this. I do not think it is uncommon for addicts trying to stay sober, going to rehab etc leaving the "old" behind and starting anew. I had a friend who was with her ABF for over 7 years and actually helped him kick his heroin addiction. He broke it off once he got sober. I honestly do not know why and like Zozo says, it sucks but I really do believe in some cases it is easier to leave everything behind. You may never get an answer. I know it is very hard to grasp, it hurts and is hard to let go but please trust us when we say it will be so much better for YOU to start your own healing and try to move on. Easier said than done I know. Wishing and hoping will only keep you from moving on. Work on you sweetie.
I am so sorry you are going through this. I do not think it is uncommon for addicts trying to stay sober, going to rehab etc leaving the "old" behind and starting anew. I had a friend who was with her ABF for over 7 years and actually helped him kick his heroin addiction. He broke it off once he got sober. I honestly do not know why and like Zozo says, it sucks but I really do believe in some cases it is easier to leave everything behind. You may never get an answer. I know it is very hard to grasp, it hurts and is hard to let go but please trust us when we say it will be so much better for YOU to start your own healing and try to move on. Easier said than done I know. Wishing and hoping will only keep you from moving on. Work on you sweetie.
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I knew absolutely nothing about my gf's addiction or dependence until she mentioned it.
if we have been with a person for a length of time, and the ENTIRE TIME they were in active addiction and WE had no clue.....we were engaged with a ghost, a mere specter of the REAL person, only what we WANTED to see. so it's no surprise that once they get into a treatment facility and begin to get a clear head, that they too realize the relationship was a sham, based on lies, and also part of their USING story. and sometimes the addict has to shuttle EVERYTHING related to their using life........
however, regardless of whether they are in rehab or Rio......when our partner breaks up with us, it's OVER. that's not harsh, it's just reality. and at that point the WHY doesn't matter, it still IS, whether we blame it on drugs or other partners or climate change. i think that is the hardest part for any of us, when stuff happens and we never got to VOTE on it. and then we are left was accepting it and moving on.
if we have been with a person for a length of time, and the ENTIRE TIME they were in active addiction and WE had no clue.....we were engaged with a ghost, a mere specter of the REAL person, only what we WANTED to see. so it's no surprise that once they get into a treatment facility and begin to get a clear head, that they too realize the relationship was a sham, based on lies, and also part of their USING story. and sometimes the addict has to shuttle EVERYTHING related to their using life........
however, regardless of whether they are in rehab or Rio......when our partner breaks up with us, it's OVER. that's not harsh, it's just reality. and at that point the WHY doesn't matter, it still IS, whether we blame it on drugs or other partners or climate change. i think that is the hardest part for any of us, when stuff happens and we never got to VOTE on it. and then we are left was accepting it and moving on.
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 48
Originally Posted by AnonWife
Im new here but was recently reminded this forum is only to discuss our recovery and not our loved ones. I think the forums mentioned we could talk about "them" were Family of Addicts, secular, substance abuse.
Please correct me if Im wrong moderators. This is my understanding.
Please correct me if Im wrong moderators. This is my understanding.
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 48
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
I knew absolutely nothing about my gf's addiction or dependence until she mentioned it.
if we have been with a person for a length of time, and the ENTIRE TIME they were in active addiction and WE had no clue.....we were engaged with a ghost, a mere specter of the REAL person, only what we WANTED to see. so it's no surprise that once they get into a treatment facility and begin to get a clear head, that they too realize the relationship was a sham, based on lies, and also part of their USING story. and sometimes the addict has to shuttle EVERYTHING related to their using life........
however, regardless of whether they are in rehab or Rio......when our partner breaks up with us, it's OVER. that's not harsh, it's just reality. and at that point the WHY doesn't matter, it still IS, whether we blame it on drugs or other partners or climate change. i think that is the hardest part for any of us, when stuff happens and we never got to VOTE on it. and then we are left was accepting it and moving on.
if we have been with a person for a length of time, and the ENTIRE TIME they were in active addiction and WE had no clue.....we were engaged with a ghost, a mere specter of the REAL person, only what we WANTED to see. so it's no surprise that once they get into a treatment facility and begin to get a clear head, that they too realize the relationship was a sham, based on lies, and also part of their USING story. and sometimes the addict has to shuttle EVERYTHING related to their using life........
however, regardless of whether they are in rehab or Rio......when our partner breaks up with us, it's OVER. that's not harsh, it's just reality. and at that point the WHY doesn't matter, it still IS, whether we blame it on drugs or other partners or climate change. i think that is the hardest part for any of us, when stuff happens and we never got to VOTE on it. and then we are left was accepting it and moving on.
I also would have never have believed that someone who was an active user could have seemed so sincere.
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 214
Im sorry if I made confusion. Recently some of us were discussing our addicts, loved ones, treatments and various things and there were a couple reminders from the moderators with the limitations of this forum. Ive been trying to keep it in mind when I post not to deviate from the intent too far. The description says
Discuss coping tools, and learn basic recovery techniques for you, not the addict.
I assumed when you asked why people dont talk about addict behaviors, or begin speculating too far on what is going on with the other side its becauase we are supposed to focus more on how we cope, how we recover and tools we use for our healing.
Im not certain I have it right but this was my understanding. I didnt know this until it was noted by the mods. Sorry if my comment was confusing.
Discuss coping tools, and learn basic recovery techniques for you, not the addict.
I assumed when you asked why people dont talk about addict behaviors, or begin speculating too far on what is going on with the other side its becauase we are supposed to focus more on how we cope, how we recover and tools we use for our healing.
Im not certain I have it right but this was my understanding. I didnt know this until it was noted by the mods. Sorry if my comment was confusing.
Originally Posted by cloudyskies
This forum is for Friends and Family of Substance abusers; the long-suffering SOs. So, I don't get your point. Other parts of this website have forums devoted to users in recovery.
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Originally Posted by cloudyskies
I can totally identify with Linzey; I find that a weakness of this forum to be honest. Most people who frequent the forum are either living with their addicted SOs or are the parents or husbands of their SOs. But I think this non-communicative thing is not addressed enough by people on the forum. AS I've said repeatedly, I knew absolutely nothing about my gf's addiction or dependence until she mentioned it. And with each passing day in detox; she became colder, more distant and non-communicative, until she cut me off cold turkey --- to the point of even restricting me from seeing her Google + account.
So, I'm with Linzey on this; we need to hear from more addicts about WHY these people go incommunicado. I don't buy it's because they are ashamed or feel guilty or any of that. I think it's a much more selfish action; a cowardly walk-out-the-door I could care less type thing.
So, I'm with Linzey on this; we need to hear from more addicts about WHY these people go incommunicado. I don't buy it's because they are ashamed or feel guilty or any of that. I think it's a much more selfish action; a cowardly walk-out-the-door I could care less type thing.
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Originally Posted by cynical one
Was he at a coed rehab?
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Originally Posted by Bekindalways
Thinking of you Linzey and hoping you are doing okay. Are you going to Alanon meetings? And if so, have you found these helpful?
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Originally Posted by Linzey0706
Thank you everyone, everything you have all said all make sense and I know I need to move on but it's so hard to detach myself. Has anybody had any experience with boyfriends leaving and coming back? I know it's horrible to think but it's all I wish for. I just don't know if he's super confused right now or if sober he doesn't care about me as much as he says
Most of us have a lot of experience with our addict leaving and coming back. However, if you are looking for an honest answer, it is best to let them stay away. As hard as it is to hear at the moment, he is doing you a favor.
I suggest you find a meeting and keep reading. Each of us have similar stories and have gained knowledge, strength, and comfort from one another.
Sending big hugs.
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Originally Posted by Jorgenss
Hi Linzey,
Most of us have a lot of experience with our addict leaving and coming back. However, if you are looking for an honest answer, it is best to let them stay away. As hard as it is to hear at the moment, he is doing you a favor.
I suggest you find a meeting and keep reading. Each of us have similar stories and have gained knowledge, strength, and comfort from one another.
Sending big hugs.
Most of us have a lot of experience with our addict leaving and coming back. However, if you are looking for an honest answer, it is best to let them stay away. As hard as it is to hear at the moment, he is doing you a favor.
I suggest you find a meeting and keep reading. Each of us have similar stories and have gained knowledge, strength, and comfort from one another.
Sending big hugs.
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