mkr86

Well let's see, where to begin this recurring nightmare. It's going to seem like my life story, and I've never fully vented it like I'm about to now.

If anyone had read or given me insight on my previous posts in 2012 about my boyfriend K, I really appreciate it. Thanks to this website and many of the people on here, I learned so much information that helped me to understand addiction.

So my story left off in 2012 with K. He was abusing prescription painkillers and alcohol. Heavily. He ended up getting arrested at our apartment (I did too) for trafficking and firearms. Long story short, he got 33 months in a federal penitentiary. Thank good my charges were dropped.
My heart was shattered. This happened on Jan 6, 2013. Not long after my last post.
So K goes to prison, and my life feels like it has been turned upside down. A few months pass and I felt I was the only one attempting to hold our relationship together. He seemed upset if I did anything, hung out with my friends, went to the movies, went to a show. It's like if he was unhappy, then I wasn't "allowed" to be happy either. It's not like he ever said this, but his behaviour showed. Sadly, Our relationship dwindled. Every phone call was either him giving me the silent treatment or we would be arguing. During this time, I met a very special person who helped brighten my sad days. His name was Jordan. Jordan sort of knew K from jail and other random encounters, and he became a really close friend during my tough time. 10 months into K's prison bit, our fights never ended, I felt helpless like I couldn't make him happy it didn't matter what I did. Then, he stopped calling me. The man I loved so much and stood by for almost 2 years just cut off contact. At first I was worried that something had happened to him, I wrote letters. No response. It was heartbreaking all over again. Six months passed that I didn't hear from the man I loved. During this time, I had a great support system. Although I didn't want to believe it, what person wouldn't assume their relationship is over after six months of not speaking?
I grew closer with Jordan during this time and he & I decided to give a relationship a shot.
It turns out that Jordan was as badly addicted to pills as K - actually he was worse. He was an IV user, he also dabbled in any drug he came across. I was now trapped in another relationship with an even heavier user.... But I was blinded by who I thought Jordan was and how he had been there for me in my tough times.
Jordan and I had a whirlwind relationship during the time that K was incarcerated. Fast forward to December 2014. K will be getting out in January. I am freaking out because part of me wants to see him, I mean I never wanted it to end between us in the first place. Plus, the person I was with now turned out to be an even worse addict. One day Jordan and I were arguing about another one of his relapses, and he lost it on me hitting me in the face. Neighbors must've heard the commotion and called the police. Cops came to the apartment and arrested Jordan after seeing my face and the goose egg on my forehead. Boom. Now this man that I had grown to care for so much had screwed everything up. We now had a no contact order, & I moved out. At the end of December, Jordan and I were still in contact because I was worried about his drug use spiraling into an even worse place than it already was. At this time, he was high on meth and he ended up going to my place of work really high. I wasn't on shift that night, but my coworkers phoned and let me know that he was there - out of his mind high. I called his mom and we both decided there was nothing either of us could do at this point. I told my coworkers to just phone the police. The police went to my workplace and Jordan held a knife to his own throat in the bathroom stall, he had stripped down completely. The police ended up tasering him, and he was arrested for breaching his conditions. Back to jail.
Now it is January and K has been released from prison. Because I was still madly in love with him, of course we reconnected. We restarted our relationship, and everything was great. Except for the fact that he held resentment towards me about starting a new relationship with Jordan while he was gone. Still don't believe that he has any right, but whatever that's a different story.
January 2015 - April 2015 we're good months. K and I were back together, happy and in love. K is a very blessed man, when it comes to his physical abilities. He is 6 foot two, and very strong. He came out of prison huge - weighing almost 250 lbs. He got really into working out, bodybuilding, the whole lifestyle. And I was so proud of him for getting a legit Job doing roofing. April came around and he got breached for using Facebook (his conditions stated he was not allowed ) so he went back to prison to finish two thirds of the remainder of his sentence. Meaning he would be gone until October. after K went back, I received a phone call from Jordan apologizing to me for everything, and letting me know that he would be out in May. He was wondering if we could remain friends and if I wanted to see him. I told him I was unsure, as I had reconciled my relationship with K. He wasn't surprised as he knew how much I loved him and always did.
May 16 - I wake up to a phone call from Jordan in the morning, he was out of jail and with his mom and Auntie (who adored me, his whole family did). They said they were on their way to my house! I agreed to go out for breakfast. It was nice to see Jordan sober as it had been so long. We spent a few hours together with his family. It was a really nice day.
Then the next morning, Jordan died in his sleep.
I felt like something in me just broke.
I couldn't believe this had happened. Sure he wasn't my boyfriend anymore but I was absolutely devastated. My worst nightmare come true. I had to hide how upset I was about it on the phone from K. Who was still in jail until October.
Jordan apparently did not overdose, however years and years of heavy IV drug use had taken its toll on his body. He passed away peacefully with his brother by his side.

Fast forward. August 2015 and I'm trying to enjoy my summer the best I can. Someone I cared about had just died, my grandmother passed away shortly after Jordan, and then I got into a near fatal motorcycle accident. I was the passenger on a Harley Davidson that went off the side of a mountain. I was thrown 30 feet down, my friend driving dragged 60 feet. Bike crashed 80 feet down from the road and started on fire. Miraculously I only broke my arm. I feel that Jordan was there with me, he is the reason We didn't die. After this accident I gained a new appreciation for life. I could see the world clearly, and see what I wanted out of my life. Goals. Plans. Ideas. I was prescribed hydromorphone after my accident and I refused to take it. I have watched this drug ruin too many people I care about. I spent a lot of time with my family, and just healing from my accident. I am still healing. I have nerve damage in my butt and lower back, arm has titanium plates and screws. My hand has bad nerve damage as well.
K gets out of prison - again - in October. He is on parole until January 2, 2016 then he is free. He is released and he gets back on track with his routine of working, working out at the gym, eating healthy, meal prep, the whole lifestyle. Once again I was very proud of him because I know that he was badly addicted to prescription drugs and has had other problems in the past with crack and heroin. My friends and family told me that his behavior may change once he is again a free man.
They were right.
Now it is January 2016. I am still off work from my accident, thank God I have insurance that pays for my lost wages. Since K has been off parole, he has had 3 "bender" partying all night long BS and many lies I have caught him in regarding talking to other girls (literally 18 year old girls. I am 26, he 29).
For the past couple weeks, I have noticed a change in his behaviour. He no longer gives a crap about the gym. His eating habits are sporadic whereas he used to be so on top of eating healthy and regularly. He's drinking more like he used to, and I have now discovered that he is using again. He left his Facebook logged on and I saw messages about getting down with his cousin, using it in the bathroom at a gas station cause I was there. Blah blah. I confronted him with the information that I knew he was using. But because of the fact I didn't want to give up my source of how I found out, he refuses to admit it me. He can't understand how I know so he thinks I must just be bullshitting him.
Even before I had the confirmation of messages, I was suspicious that he was starting to use again. I know his habits I know his patterns I know him inside and out. I love and care for this man so much. We are now four years deep into our relationship and I so badly want to save it. I have learned from the situation with K in the past, as well as my whirlwind relationship with Jordan - there is no "saving" an addict. If K wants to use and keep it a secret from me, what can I really do? He is at work right now and I know that he has a sale for himself lined up to buy pills when he gets off. I'm just really upset, I was so proud of him he went almost a full year with his training and being healthy. Just based on his appearance, men on the street are always approaching him asking if he is a personal trainer or asking for workout tips. I know that in Jordan's situation, he used because he never felt like he was good enough for anything. He was very institutionalized from being incarcerated for the majority of his life. He also just loved to get high. I think this may be the same problem with K. He just loves to get high, loves it more than how much he loved bodybuilding and working out, loves it more than anything.

Here I am. Stuck again. This **** storm cycle is about to restart it self and I'm too much of a damn p*ssy to walk away :'(

Thanks for reading about my crazy life. Any words are appreciated. I know what I should do, I'm just too afraid to go there.

AnvilheadII

so first off welcome back. really sorry that your life is in the same time loop - i hope THIS time you read the things you need to make the changes that you deep down desire.

since i'm not really known for the touchy feely stuff, i'll just ask....what is the attraction to felons? to the BAD BOYS? and why when YOU just about ended up with federal charges against you, wasn't that ENOUGH to want for better?

you say your motorcycle wreck was your wake up call? was it? are you living the joyous free goal filled life you want?

if so, why the hell not. what does K have to offer that will take you even one step closer to your goals?

he's not the problem. not really. the consistent theme in your story is.........you.

zoso77

Welcome Back. I'm going to riff off what Anvil posted, but it's going to be a bit more nuanced.

Is there a moment that you can identify where you had to make a decision, and you were not being completely honest with yourself about what it was you were seeing? K was a fixture in your life the last time you posted. K is still a fixture in your life as you return to us. What has changed over the past 3 years? What needs to change in order for you to break free?

My hope is you stay with us and take advantage of what we have to offer. Someone like Anvil, although she's not the "touchy, feely" type, is an invaluable resource because she understands both sides of the addiction coin from personal experience. And we have other women who've been stuck in similar feedback loops but managed to break free. We're here for you, but as with anything worth doing in life, what you get out of something is often a function of what you put into it.

Be safe, and again, Welcome Back.

mkr86

Thanks for your response. You're very right. I feel like my attraction to a certain type of man has led me to the same types of heartache over and over.
Discovering things with K are about to head back down that same dark path has me just about ready to run. But My codependency issues are what hold me back. The issue IS me, I can see that.
This is the only place I can vent this. My dream of having a happy life with K is just that. A dream.
Getting back together with him has caused me to lose the little strength I built up while he was out of the picture. Ugh. This is so hard.

mkr86

Zoso - thank you as well. I appreciate the kind of feedback Anvil is giving to me. I need to hear it no sugar coated crap.
I am so attached emotionally to this person and it's going to destroy me. It's like I can see it all happening in some sort of premonition.
To answer your question, nothing has changed in the last three years. My life is still at the same standstill it was before. Hoping and waiting for someone else to change, meanwhile my life is passing me by. I have so many things to think about a serious decision to make. Thank you again for your feedback it's greatly appreciated. I will be sticking around

zoso77

Only if you allow it to, mkr. Only if you allow it to. You have a say in all of this.

Besides, just because you're attracted to someone emotionally doesn't mean you be with them.

Ann

Sweetie, any changes you want to see in your life have to begin with you. Nobody holds the key to your happiness except you yourself. Constantly setting yourself up in sick relationships is a sign that you maybe could use some help finding your balance and some self esteem.

Have you ever tried meetings? Al-anon and CoDA (Codependents Anonymous) were two that helped me find my balance and regain my sanity after years of trying to save/fix/change my son. These meetings are all about us, and our issues and we go deep into why we are the way we are and why we keep doing crazy things....and yes, I was crazy as anyone in my codie prime.

Maybe check your area and give it a try. You are worth it, your life is worth it. The life you are leading is heading to no place good. You deserve better and can find it, but it will require willingness and work on your part. If you want to change, that's a good start.

Hugs