Progress?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 85
Progress?
Hello, all. It's been a while.
Where do I start...I recently graduated with my Bachelor's degree and moved back in with my parents while I searched for a job, so my addict and I are no longer in a long distance relationship. This week I accepted a job doing auditing for a third-party animal verification company. Things are going really well for me. 2015 taught me to break away from the codependency of my relationship and to be happy for me. I have found a great deal of relief in this. It has brought me a lot of peace.
My addict is still struggling. He relapsed on heroin in September and told me in November. We discussed it, and he decided he would tell his parents the following weekend, which he did. He moved back in with them shortly after, and has started weekly therapy. He also started taking Suboxone. Despite his efforts to stay clean, it hasn't been so easy. The last month he has been really distant. We barely speak, and he hasn't been very affectionate. I knew something was going on. I thought he'd started selling again, but it turns out he relapsed again. He told me this week that he has started using cocaine, not heroin and not nearly as frequently, thankfully, although it's not much better. He told his therapist and doctor this week as well and is hoping that he can make a plan and stick to it...we'll see.
I'm trying to stay hopeful because I know he's still in very early recovery. I am trying to see these recent relapses as progress because at least he's not keeping it a secret. He could easily have kept it a secret both times and kept using. He's trying his hardest to be honest and open, despite his embarrassment.
It causes a lot of stress for me because I'm always worried about him, and it's so trying being in a relationship with someone who is so hot and cold. He has spoken to me on a few occasions about how unhappy he is with his life. He said he understands that he has a lot to be thankful for, but, for whatever reason, he can't see it. In my head I know that it's not realistic of me to think that we can have a normal, healthy relationship, when he himself is not normal or healthy...is it crazy for me to stay by his side? I believe in him. I really think he can beat this, and I don't want to give up on him. I wish he could see in himself what everyone else sees: someone who is funny, smart, handsome and passionate. Nothing about this is easy, but he is worth it.
Where do I start...I recently graduated with my Bachelor's degree and moved back in with my parents while I searched for a job, so my addict and I are no longer in a long distance relationship. This week I accepted a job doing auditing for a third-party animal verification company. Things are going really well for me. 2015 taught me to break away from the codependency of my relationship and to be happy for me. I have found a great deal of relief in this. It has brought me a lot of peace.
My addict is still struggling. He relapsed on heroin in September and told me in November. We discussed it, and he decided he would tell his parents the following weekend, which he did. He moved back in with them shortly after, and has started weekly therapy. He also started taking Suboxone. Despite his efforts to stay clean, it hasn't been so easy. The last month he has been really distant. We barely speak, and he hasn't been very affectionate. I knew something was going on. I thought he'd started selling again, but it turns out he relapsed again. He told me this week that he has started using cocaine, not heroin and not nearly as frequently, thankfully, although it's not much better. He told his therapist and doctor this week as well and is hoping that he can make a plan and stick to it...we'll see.
I'm trying to stay hopeful because I know he's still in very early recovery. I am trying to see these recent relapses as progress because at least he's not keeping it a secret. He could easily have kept it a secret both times and kept using. He's trying his hardest to be honest and open, despite his embarrassment.
It causes a lot of stress for me because I'm always worried about him, and it's so trying being in a relationship with someone who is so hot and cold. He has spoken to me on a few occasions about how unhappy he is with his life. He said he understands that he has a lot to be thankful for, but, for whatever reason, he can't see it. In my head I know that it's not realistic of me to think that we can have a normal, healthy relationship, when he himself is not normal or healthy...is it crazy for me to stay by his side? I believe in him. I really think he can beat this, and I don't want to give up on him. I wish he could see in himself what everyone else sees: someone who is funny, smart, handsome and passionate. Nothing about this is easy, but he is worth it.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Hello Selpats!
Congrats on finishing your degree and getting a job!! HUGE accomplishments! YAY!
As for the relationship with the struggling addict, I just wanted to alert you that addicts tend to have messed up neuro wiring that impacts their emotional capabilities. That hot and cold may not change even if he manages a long term sobriety. I'm linking some information that helped me learn a lot about this component of addiction.
Emotion Dysfunction ? Inside The Alcoholic Brain
Congrats on finishing your degree and getting a job!! HUGE accomplishments! YAY!
As for the relationship with the struggling addict, I just wanted to alert you that addicts tend to have messed up neuro wiring that impacts their emotional capabilities. That hot and cold may not change even if he manages a long term sobriety. I'm linking some information that helped me learn a lot about this component of addiction.
Emotion Dysfunction ? Inside The Alcoholic Brain
Member
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 34
Hi Selpats,
Congratulations on all of your own progress! It sounds like you are taking care of yourself. Stay on that path and don't let anything get you off it. It is hard to get things moving in the right direction, easy to get off track, and harder still to get back at it.
The thing that jumped out at me with your addict is that you called this "early recovery." If he's taking heroin every few months and is now doing cocaine, that is not recovery. Talking about it is a big step definitely, but he's still using whether he is talking about it or not. And he's branching out into other drugs of a dissimilar type (stimulants now instead of depressants). That is worrisome to me. Recovery can mean a lot of things, but definitely it should not include regular substance use and trying new things.
I'm not here to tell you what to do with your life, but I did notice that you've had great progress in your personal life with him at a distance. For his sake, I hope he takes those words and makes actions out of them. For your sake, I hope you require those actions before you let him close enough to cause you and your family any anguish. Never let words take the place of actions.
All the best!
JD
Congratulations on all of your own progress! It sounds like you are taking care of yourself. Stay on that path and don't let anything get you off it. It is hard to get things moving in the right direction, easy to get off track, and harder still to get back at it.
The thing that jumped out at me with your addict is that you called this "early recovery." If he's taking heroin every few months and is now doing cocaine, that is not recovery. Talking about it is a big step definitely, but he's still using whether he is talking about it or not. And he's branching out into other drugs of a dissimilar type (stimulants now instead of depressants). That is worrisome to me. Recovery can mean a lot of things, but definitely it should not include regular substance use and trying new things.
I'm not here to tell you what to do with your life, but I did notice that you've had great progress in your personal life with him at a distance. For his sake, I hope he takes those words and makes actions out of them. For your sake, I hope you require those actions before you let him close enough to cause you and your family any anguish. Never let words take the place of actions.
All the best!
JD
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
It sounds like he is having a lot of inner conflict. The best thing to do when that happens, in my opinion, is to step back and let them figure it out. He is being open and honest, which is good. Only he can do the work required to recover, or not.
You deserve to take good care of yourself during this time. Keep living your life. Be kind to yourself.
Many hugs!
You deserve to take good care of yourself during this time. Keep living your life. Be kind to yourself.
Many hugs!
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Congrats on finishing your degree. My hope is, when you're ready, you'll take the next step...your Masters... 
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 85
Once again, thank you to you all for your support and advice. I am proud of all the growing that I have done in the past year. I have become someone who is incredibly strong, and even though this experience hasn't been easy, I wouldn't trade it for anything...
I guess I'll never know if my decision to be a part of my addict's life is the right choice, but even in a traditional relationship, no one will ever know for sure. For now, I will continue to do what I have been doing, and that's focusing on myself first and foremost. I would never forgive myself if I let my addicts life choices affect the way I live my own life. I can only hope that the promise I see for his future without drugs will be realized.
Thanks for all your support
I guess I'll never know if my decision to be a part of my addict's life is the right choice, but even in a traditional relationship, no one will ever know for sure. For now, I will continue to do what I have been doing, and that's focusing on myself first and foremost. I would never forgive myself if I let my addicts life choices affect the way I live my own life. I can only hope that the promise I see for his future without drugs will be realized.
Thanks for all your support
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 214
You sound great.
I can see the challenge keeping him in your life as a friend. It looks like he's trying. Recovery has a lot of ups and downs, its not unexpected. If he is accountable, still working on putting the pieces together, has his family support - its a testament to his effort I think.
Love your attitude, progress you've made, goals you have. Keep it all a priority and dont see why you wont be ok regardless of what happens with him. Some of his depression may lift the further out he goes, because the dopamine takes a while to stabalize. Its a plus he recognizes he has a lot to be grateful for, but is honest he is having trouble feeling it. He may not be able to physically right now.
Inspiring post, love to hear someone like yourself doing well.
I can see the challenge keeping him in your life as a friend. It looks like he's trying. Recovery has a lot of ups and downs, its not unexpected. If he is accountable, still working on putting the pieces together, has his family support - its a testament to his effort I think.
Love your attitude, progress you've made, goals you have. Keep it all a priority and dont see why you wont be ok regardless of what happens with him. Some of his depression may lift the further out he goes, because the dopamine takes a while to stabalize. Its a plus he recognizes he has a lot to be grateful for, but is honest he is having trouble feeling it. He may not be able to physically right now.
Inspiring post, love to hear someone like yourself doing well.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 28
i went through a similar thing...only i am in my 3rd year of college and i just wanted to say congrats! i cant wait to finish haha.
i know you want to be there for him through this time...its hard when you see the light in them and they dont. remember you love him not his addiction. support his recovery not his addiction. if he is using again i would advise to go back to claiming distance.
i just recently had to do the distance thing....i do not know the outcome myself but i know its for the best
the closer you are to him while he is in active addiction the more comfortable he will feel to lie use and abuse you and drugs..... let him know you are there for HIM not the addiction. theres a difference between the two and its really important to separate them. i hope you understand where i'm coming from. i really do understand what youre going through. you shared such a similar tidbit to mine..... best of luck
i know you want to be there for him through this time...its hard when you see the light in them and they dont. remember you love him not his addiction. support his recovery not his addiction. if he is using again i would advise to go back to claiming distance.
i just recently had to do the distance thing....i do not know the outcome myself but i know its for the best
the closer you are to him while he is in active addiction the more comfortable he will feel to lie use and abuse you and drugs..... let him know you are there for HIM not the addiction. theres a difference between the two and its really important to separate them. i hope you understand where i'm coming from. i really do understand what youre going through. you shared such a similar tidbit to mine..... best of luck
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Originally Posted by selpats 
...is it crazy for me to stay by his side?
Nope, I'm not going to say what it is. But in a year, three years, five, when you are still waiting, still believing he can get clean, still clinging to the hope of what he could be... what are you going to call it?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Florida
Posts: 59
Congrats on the degree and the job! 2 of my kids were clean for over 4 years and then WHAM! Each person is different, however, live for yourself. I lived for my children and now have a lot of self-loathing and resentment because I put them before my own happiness. Find a balance.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 85
Thanks again, everyone.
As far as my addict goes, I have had time to process this new information, and after having a long conversation with his mother, I have decided to give us both some space. I usually don't talk to him about his recovery or addiction. If he wants to talk about it, I let him come to me. I have decided to put some distance between us because I think he needs some space to figure his crap out, and I don't want to be hanging on his every word. I need to do what's healthy for both of us, and right now, that's space. I have learned that when he acts like this, the best thing I can do is do my own thing because I can't be devastated if he officially falls off the wagon, and I can't let him think that I feel sympathy for him at this point...That might sound cruel, because I do feel sympathy for him, but like many addicts, I don't want him abusing my feelings for him...so space it is.
As far as my addict goes, I have had time to process this new information, and after having a long conversation with his mother, I have decided to give us both some space. I usually don't talk to him about his recovery or addiction. If he wants to talk about it, I let him come to me. I have decided to put some distance between us because I think he needs some space to figure his crap out, and I don't want to be hanging on his every word. I need to do what's healthy for both of us, and right now, that's space. I have learned that when he acts like this, the best thing I can do is do my own thing because I can't be devastated if he officially falls off the wagon, and I can't let him think that I feel sympathy for him at this point...That might sound cruel, because I do feel sympathy for him, but like many addicts, I don't want him abusing my feelings for him...so space it is.
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