Fior

Usually I post here asking for advice, or seeking solace from whatever my AXBF has done this week (we work together.)

This is a different sort of post. And I hope it will reach someone out there. In case someone needs to hear it.

For about 3 months now, I have been really shutting my ex down:minimal eye contact, insisting on work only conversations, ignoring any attempts at engagement (Despite repeated attempts), and even ignoring the super slick, under the radar harassment (yelling "have a good night!" at me when I get into a cab)etc.

And, full confession, I privately hoped that the shut down would spur him to seek help. I hoped that my removing myself from his life in any way, the person who was once so important to him and whose house he was living in with his dog, would alter his course of action.

I walked into work on Saturday to hear some of the most appalling stories (of a sexual nature) after a night of drinking (at the very least) about him and his rehab buddy (yep, we all work together), who are currently "dating" the hostesses (oh yeah, we're alllllll coworkers together)

AND THEN IT HIT ME. LIKE REALLY, REALLY HIT ME
(:::Cue important part music::: )

Nothing I do...or don't do....will affect his choices.
Ever. Zilch. Zero. None of it. Good or bad, really.

And the "shutting him down" has to have nothing to do with trying to "take away" something that he had when his life was good, and when he was clean and sober.
The shutting him down has to come from a place of Me. From choosing that I don't want this kind of person in my life, and that while the choices he made when he was sober made him an incredibly attractive person to me, the choices that he's currently making (and honestly has been making for awhile) do not in any way shape or form qualify him to be in my life. And that by excusing him from my life, I do not give him permission for the way that he's treated me, or the way that he's currently behaving.

And there it is. That's all there is to it. It's a weirdly peaceful feeling.

Sad, in a way, because somewhere in there, I know he's in pain and feeling a lot of shame(despite the fact that he's telling everyone he's so happy and that he feels so free) and that if he continues on this path, his story will not end well. But none of that is anything that I could have changed by something I did or didn't do. They are his choices, and his choices alone.

That's all. I felt like sharing. Just in case there was someone out there who needed to hear this. And if there is, a big hug to you too.

Ann

Ah, the gift of clarity is so freeing.

Now maybe decide what is good for you, changing jobs may be a good start. It cannot be healthy working so close to the chaos. Like having a front row seat to his bad behaviour.

Set yourself free girl, it's time to take care of you.

Hugs

Ann

I came back to read this again, I often need the reminder myself.

Hugs

Bekindalways

Fior, this is one powerful post. May I offer both congratulations and condolences at the same time. Please put all the effort you put into him into taking care of yourself.