FeelingGreat

Separating is never easy, but it does offer a new life for you and your RAH. It was awful when I did it, and I'm still fond of my ex, but I knew it wasn't going to work, ever. He was devastated at first but within a couple of years met and married someone who was much more suitable.

Like it or not, you have a history with RAH that you can't see your way past. Tell him that, but don't apologise for it. He may even be relieved.

JOIE12

he wasn't there for you when you needed him after losing your child. Seems like one of those hurts that is so deep and shows you who he is.

He sounds completely like my now deceased ex husband (problem drinker).
Controlling. Could not go to the things that I wanted to. Sometimes not to the things that I needed to. Listened to my conversations. Critiqued my clothes. Hair. Makeup. Choices.

I still feel sick to my stomach when I remember.

Don't think of it as pulling the trigger - think of it as freeing your heart, mind and body to be whom you want to be and build a new life as a free woman.
Hugs mo3b
Joie

odaat13

way to go claiming your needs. i thank you so much for this strength. it is women like you that assure me that i can say NO, that i dong havr to be a victim of maniuplation and mental and emotional abuse..... he knows you love and support him and will ise that love and support to his own advantage with the sex. we need 2 way streets. thanks again.

teatreeoil007

I am just wondering if you have been able to communicate to him directly what your needs are; what your needs have been that haven't been met; and how hurt from the past still has a hold and hasn't been healed yet?

Sometimes there needs to be adequate healing from former hurts before a person is able to open their self up again..part of that may be because of the fear of just getting hurt AGAIN and part of that could be RESIDUAL pain from before. Who wants to expose their self to more hurt? No one in their right mind, I'm thinking...How to heal from former hurts?It takes a lot of work.

Is he at all in touch with why/how you were hurt? If not, it's time for a come to Jesus talk and he will either get it or not.

mamaof3boyz

Yesterday he didn't like my lipstick choice. Was nit picking all day about how the house is a mess. I told him to.stop complaining about it. He said he is tired of cleaning the house so I told him "then dont" it will get done, just not within his time frame . He apologized this morning for being so.rude. said he will have a better day. Then he blamed his behavior on our lacking relationship. That he is frustrated and feeling unloved.

mamaof3boyz

This took me a very long time...to understand everything wasn't my fault. When you see other relationships and talk to people in a non abusive relationship helps

mamaof3boyz

I haven't really gone into detail about my hurt. I have told him how badly it hurt when he used the baby as an excuse to leave the house and buy drugs. When I was recovering in bed, he said he was going to meet someone who was going to create a memorial for baby girl. Well it was an elaborate lie, about how he was going to meet a friend from Home Depot who is a wood worker. Then he would say he was going to take a drive, get a soda and clear his head. I did tell him how it crushed me. He says he understood but feels I should be over it by now, he said in other words.
Honestly I don't know what my needs are right now. I just want to feel joy and happiness again

zoso77

What do you believe will bring you joy and happiness?

mamaof3boyz

Good question. Freedom, to do whatever I want, when I want (within reason of course being a mom, lol). Does that make me selfish?

zoso77

No. It makes you human. You have a right to be happy. And I know you want to do right as a mother. So maybe think about how that kind of balance would look to you...what it would feel like...

Refiner

What a jerk @$$ he is. No wonder you have one big emotional void when it comes to him. It's like you don't matter.

Hawkeye13

This is him manipulating for sex again.
I expect you are getting worn out from this incessant selfish BS.

I'm sorry you are living with it mama. . . sounds like you have a forth boy
to take care of too.

hopeful4

Maybe I am way off here, but using the child you just lost as an excuse is absolutely an awful thing to do. You should be LIVID over this.

I am not trying to encourage anger, but I feel he really blames you and uses you as his emotional kicking bag, and that is not ok.

Hugs to you.

carolineno

This makes me ill. My AH used to love this technique, silent treatment followed by abusive email, filled with self pity and martyrdom. He thought he could browbeat me into "behaving" basically. The end desire of the addict is the same: they want to go back to the way things were when you put up with their crap and called it ice cream. I really hope you can get to a place where you are not constantly steeling yourself against manipulation in your home. I endured all kinds of it at a young age, it doesn't work on me anymore. I am in the end stages with my AH now, but I am really, really exhausted, neglected my gifts, and missed out on a lot.

Stay strong!