So sick to my stomach
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Originally Posted by SparkleKitty 
Yes, I do think that the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.
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The lack of intimacy has been going on a year you said. Maybe it is time you think about seperating? He has a right to his feelings and desires and you have a right to yours. I dont see this as a recovery issue on his part if Im to be honest. But Id say look at your recovery and be honest if you think your feelings will return. Do you have a therapist you work with alone? Maybe this person could help you sort out your side. Marriage is a two way street, and if your saying your not willing to work on whats behind your loss of interest in him, the marriage then this means something. But be sure before you act.
Originally Posted by mamaof3boyz
I agree about counseling. However I can't stand to be in the same room with him. It's awful....I feel terrible about it but it's true. We've been to therapy before once for 6 months right before we got married, then again 3 years ago for another 8 months. I don't think I have the energy to do it again. Our marriage won't fix itself and I'm not willing to go to therapy with him, so maybe it's time to end this.
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If he really turns you off so you can't be in the same room with him, it doesn't look good. Even if you 'gave in' because he pressured you, it wouldn't help your marriage because you'd feel revolted.
I think it's clear he's abandoned working on his recovery, and not just because of this issue, but what you said about not going to meetings and giving up his sponsor.
With passive aggressive people it helps to ask them straight out 'Are you sulking?' Reflect his behaviour back to him.
I think it's clear he's abandoned working on his recovery, and not just because of this issue, but what you said about not going to meetings and giving up his sponsor.
With passive aggressive people it helps to ask them straight out 'Are you sulking?' Reflect his behaviour back to him.
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Originally Posted by AnonWife
The lack of intimacy has been going on a year you said. Maybe it is time you think about seperating? He has a right to his feelings and desires and you have a right to yours. I dont see this as a recovery issue on his part if Im to be honest. But Id say look at your recovery and be honest if you think your feelings will return. Do you have a therapist you work with alone? Maybe this person could help you sort out your side. Marriage is a two way street, and if your saying your not willing to work on whats behind your loss of interest in him, the marriage then this means something. But be sure before you act.
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Join Date: Dec 2015
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I would try to focus on what your doing to recover from all these things. Evaluate if its working for you, or if you need to make changes. He may be further along? He appears frustrated yes. But focus on your healing, and consider if the living arrangementa are helping or hurting you? And he will need to decide whats best for him. I feel your pain, I had two miscarriages before my daughter. Even this can drive couples apart. Life can be hard and it looks like your down in a valley, but have faith and put effort behind it and I think you will get out of it.
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Originally Posted by Thumpalumpacus
Well, people can and do change. The thing is, that's their own responsibility, and those of us who are actively working to change our addictive behavior know that we don't have the right to impose ourselves on the people we've hurt.
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Originally Posted by mamaof3boyz
There were reasons why we weren't intimate for so long. I was pregnant and had awful nausea for 4 months. Then my baby was positive for down syndrome. We planned on continuing with the pregnancy but at almost 20 weeks she passed. Then a week later I found out of my husband's relapse. Then again relapsed. He came back home in August and has remained home for 5 months. So all in all beyond the hardship and drama since last January he has been home and sober 5 months and no intimacy. I understand he is frustrated but I'm feeling like he is trying so hard to get things back to normal. Which is going to take time but he is frustrated with the timing.
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But in all seriousness... I've read thru all of your posts, and your husband sounds very... Selfish. And manipulative. And always has been. And right now the only thing he's doing is not drinking - and that is not recovery. However, it sounds like the work you've been doing on yourself IS working and your mind is trying to tell you something. YOUR eyes are now open to what's good and what's right for YOU. I think you need to listen to your intuitions and stop fighting with it and guilting yourself and wondering if/when a switch will get flipped and quit twisting yourself into pretzels just because it's what HE wants. YOU and your desires count too.
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Originally Posted by Refiner
But in all seriousness... I've read thru all of your posts, and your husband sounds very... Selfish. And manipulative. And always has been. And right now the only thing he's doing is not drinking - and that is not recovery. However, it sounds like the work you've been doing on yourself IS working and your mind is trying to tell you something. YOUR eyes are now open to what's good and what's right for YOU. I think you need to listen to your intuitions and stop fighting with it and guilting yourself and wondering if/when a switch will get flipped and quit twisting yourself into pretzels just because it's what HE wants. YOU and your desires count too.
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Originally Posted by mamaof3boyz
Thank you. If I could just get past the guilt and feeling responsible because I'm the one pulling the trigger then I'd be on my way. Any advice on how to get to that point?
Sometimes I wish I could see myself as a separate person as I will take care of ANYONE ELSE better than myself.
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Actually separating yourself was the first thing I thought of, too. Honestly talk with him... you are working on yourself and trying to heal, too. And he should respect that, not tell you what you should be doing. And he should ber concentrating on HIS recovery... not focusing on what YOU are or aren't doing for HIM. When separated, see if you miss him. If you do, start dating and see where it goes. If he doesn't respect any of your need or desire to do this, than I think there's your answer on "next steps".
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Originally Posted by Refiner
Actually separating yourself was the first thing I thought of, too. Honestly talk with him... you are working on yourself and trying to heal, too. And he should respect that, not tell you what you should be doing. And he should ber concentrating on HIS recovery... not focusing on what YOU are or aren't doing for HIM. When separated, see if you miss him. If you do, start dating and see where it goes. If he doesn't respect any of your need or desire to do this, than I think there's your answer on "next steps".
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There will always be a reason to delay, I think. If your heart is not into the relationship right now, then you don't do either one of you any favors by prolonging the separation. If you are going to do it, do it when all of your practical ducks are in a row. It's empowering to make a decision around what is best for YOU (as opposed to him and his birthday, etc.).
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Originally Posted by mamaof3boyz
Maybe i should wait until after his birthday?
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