coolrobin2

I haven't been on here in a long while. It appeared that my son and daughter kicked their pill habit. They were clean for over 4 years. There was one in jail, the other in rehab in St Pete. They started using again a few months ago when they started talking to their dad and his family (all addicts) and my daughter made friends with a girl she was in jail with and that girl's boyfriend who has a record. Anyhow, she stole 2 checks, wrecked my car, stole my business cell and took off. I keep hearing from people about how horrible she looks and how strung out she is. I'm struggling with the question of "do I press charges against her to get her in a place to dry out or do I let her kill herself with whatever she's shooting up?" As for my son, overnight I went from the greatest mom on earth to the biggest b*&$^ in the world. I have no more fight left in me. I think I'd rather die than go through all the horror again. Any advice, please? I am dying inside right now.

Ilovemysonjj

Dear Cool,
I am so sorry to hear about the relapses of your kids. Unfortunately, it is predictable when they choose to see or go back to old ways or old routines. I have had to press charges against my own son twice and I believe it saved his life. He spent about 13 months total in jail a few years ago. He still struggles with sobriety, but one thing is that I don't put him or myself in a circumstance where he can take from me again. You should report the car stolen and if you haven't done so yet, also close the checking account the checks were stolen from.
Its okay to want to detach. You cannot control this, you didn't cause this and you cannot cure this.
Hugs,
TT

AnonWife

You have to do what feels right to you. She was in recovery a while, maybe forced intervention would wake her up? But you have to follow your instincts.

pheasant

Hang in ,cant really give advice i am new to this but I am the brother of an addict and the tough love is a hard thing we are trying it out now. The people and help on this forum are GREAT

coolrobin2

I've taken care of the banking and all that stuff. I just feel like I should give up and let them kill themselves, like so many people say to do. I'm tired of being alone, ashamed, heartbroken. I just want to give up on life. I don't want anymore of the drugs and the drama that comes with it. I don't want to sit in front of cops and prosecutors with them judging me and rolling their eyes at me like I'm an idiot.

I have no idea what happy is; apparently, happy has been one big, fat lie. Just like love.

The clerk at the Farm Store just came right up to me and said, "Judy on drugs? My god, she looks horrible!" My son is living with his dad now, so he's shooting up with dad and the cousins. His liver is hurting (he has Hep C from sharing needles), so the drugs must really be worth it. We just went through an episode of liver failure in October-this stuff just grabs hold and takes over.

They can never live with me again, that is for certain. This sounds terrible, but I kinda of wish the morgue would call because that would be the end of their torture and maybe I could sleep at night without puking fire from worry and stress.

Ilovemysonjj

I have also felt that way before. Maybe the best thing for you to do is detach. Don't seek them out. They do know what recovery looks like, and they do know how to get it. Sending giant hugs to you. Have you found any support in going to meetings? I found that confiding in trusted friends who didn't judge me a critical part of my healing.

zoso77

coolrobin...

I am so sorry that this has happened. But I'm glad that you decided to return to us for support during what must an awful, awful time.

ilovemysonjj, per usual, speaks truth. There are other Moms here as well, and hopefully they'll pipe in over the next few hours.

Please take care, and keep us posted.

Ann

Personally I would charge anyone who stole from me by taking my car and cell phone but I totally understand your need to just remove yourself from this situation.

What helped me find my balance when my son had to leave for much the same reason, theft and turning our home into a war zone, was to go to meetings. Sharing safely with people who truly understand is such a load lifter, and listening to their experience strength and hope often gave me motivation to do what I needed to do to get what they had...peace and happiness and hope for better days ahead.

I hope you find your peace. I hear your pain in your post because I felt that very same pain.

Our lives can be better but we're the ones who have to take the steps to make it that way.

We're walking with you, you don't have to do any of this alone.

Hugs

Chino

Don't try to fight, you are done. If you call the police, and I think you should too, view it as an opportunity for a much needed vacation for both of you. Don't let their drugs kill you.

ADEfree

Yeah, for some there seems to be a "deprivation effect". If they don't get their chosen drug for months or years, then take one hit or pill, or injection... boom! They're right back in it and deeper than before. Thank God the Universities are working on some kind of cure for some of these folks. There's no reason or logic to their addiction and the relapses just bury them that much deeper.

Coolrobin, I think you should just go some place where you can clear your mind, treat yourself right and recharge. It's like dealing with a psychotic people that refuse help. Don't let their problems use you up till there's nothing left. Unless they clean up/dry up, that's exactly what will happen.

cynical one

It was never your battle. Give yourself permission to stand down and take care of yourself.

Thumpalumpacus

My heart aches for you -- I could only imagine myself in your shoes, and knock on wood I'll never be there.

You can't accept guilt for their choices any more than you can accept applause for their successes. For me, the Serenity Prayer isn't trite, it's a good guidepost to day-to-day behavior, and I'm sure you've felt that enough yourself -- but that's the only advice I can think to offer, because yours is a path I haven't trodden.

Well, one more bit -- Al-Anon. It won't fix your children if they continue their addictions, but it may perhaps provide you with the support and resources so that you don't torment yourself with guilt.

I hope they come to their senses before they hurt themselves or you any more.

Morning Glory

Dear coolrobin. I remember so well feeling exactly as you are feeling. I thought death was my only escape. Either my son's death or my death. I had tried everything else and nothing worked. I was tired and couldn't take another day of what I was going through with my son. I sat and thought about the way I was feeling. I felt guilty for even thinking such things. I realized that death was not the answer, but letting go was the answer to gain any kind of freedom. Death was the easy answer because I did not know how to let go. I still don't know how to let go, but I'm doing much better without the thought that death is the only way out. I went to look for something about letting go and found this in an article on a hospice site. It's easier said than done, but maybe it will help.


An excerpt from: Hard Choices for Loving People: By Hank Dunn

A natural response to the possibility of losing someone is to hold on tighter or to try to gain more control. Ironically, this does not lead to a life of freedom and joy, the very things we were pursuing. Most of us do learn to let go. We let go of our childhood and accept adult responsibilities. We let go of our teenage children and our attempts to control them. We let go of finding happiness in possessions or careers. We even learn that we have to let go of other people and not be dependent on them for our happiness. To learn these lessons, we have to accept the fact that these things or people were gifts in the first place.

There are two ways to hold on. We can grasp tightly as we would a coin in our fist. We fear we will lose it, so we hold it tight. Indeed, if we open our hand palm down the coin falls from our possession, and we feel cheated. The other way to hold on is by opening our hand palm up. The coin may sit there, or it could be blown away or shaken out of our “possession.” But while it is there, we are privileged to have it. We hold on with an open hand. Our hand is relaxed and we experience freedom.

I do not want to trivialize or oversimplify the deep struggles within our hearts as we make decisions. Yet I am convinced that letting go and letting be is a way of life that can be experienced throughout our lifetime. Grasping, controlling individuals tend to be so to the very end of life. Those who live life with a sense of gift and grace also tend to do so to the very end of life.

coolrobin2

Thank you, and everyone...It's so hard. I'd go to the police, but I just don't have the time. I have a busy business to run, now by myself with my daughter relapsing.

They know what clean is...They know where to get clean at. I gotta take care of me and find happy before I crawl in bed and die.

Plink

I am no one to give advise at this point and time in my life.
But like you I prayed Monday night that I would fall asleep and not wake up....
But I am still here...not sure what will happen in the next few days and if AS does not get back into Rehab as promised. I just know that we cannot live like this forever!! It is literally dividing our family as 2 daughters are not together with us on the decision to let him stay here with us till a bed is available.

I know like yo that it is very tough...the tough love.....but, we must think of ourselves and continue to live even if it is without them....

Vale

I say this with a heavy heart. Sometimes we are given no
good options. For anyone to tell you what your best option
is.......would be to swim ina preposterous sea of foolish
presumption.

So (not wanting to get wet!) I will give you the
best advice I can, in the form of a question.

What would be best for YOUR life? To look past
this question and concentrate on the lives of others
is to negate the fact that your life has value.

You were not put on this Earth to suffer for mistakes
YOU had no part in making.

The hardest thing in this world is to watch
someone you care about self destruct.

Hardest.
Bar none.

JOIE12

Either choice is understandable.

I can certainly understand taking the loss and letting go.
We are here for you. You will never be alone.
Hugs,
Joie

JimC60

Coolrobin,

First let me say that I am sorry that you are going through this - it sounds awful with no real end in sight.

Take this story for what it is worth.

There is a couple in my Nar-Anon home group that faced a similar situation with their son. I will call them P&B and their son T.

P&B are seniors - 70+ yo. T was a heroin addict - mid 30's. T was living in P&B's house. T was stealing routinely from P&B. P&B seemingly could mentally handle the stealing.

One night T became violent with B. Although B was not seriously injured another adult sibling called the local police and told them the situation. The police arrived at P&B's house and arrested T - took him away in handcuffs.

T did a short time in jail and was released on rather lengthy probation. There was a protection order issued stipulating zero contact for 1 year between T and P&B - no contact whatsoever.

P&B arrived at Nar-Anon shortly after the protection order was issued. P especially was upset, she did not know where T was or anything about his life. Calls to the probation officer would reveal that he was alive but that was all.

Eventually the protection order expired and P fantasized that T would show up at their house. T never did, but P tracked him down via the net and social media. P staked out his work location and eventually found him. Their first contact in the parking lot was very brief and T said he was not ready to see them; P&B were OK with that.

Several months passed and eventually T contacted P&B. He is doing very well and they are again on friendly terms. T has turned his life around - he actually manages a number of local Oxford Houses in addition to his "normal" job.

So I guess the point of all of this is that sometimes they do find recovery and perhaps arrest / jail / probation is not the worst thing that can happen - in fact it may be beneficial.

Keep coming back,

Jim

thequest

Cool, I don't know how old they are but it sounds like they had their opportunities to educate and rehabilitate themselves. So what ever their bottom is going to be I'd say let it happen. I've seen what years of enabling does and even when the enablers realize it they are not naive but afraid for the addict's health.

To be honest there are probably some resentment issues long term & short which are leading to a lack of respect and abuse/theft of your property and intrusion into your life. I've seen it, experienced it. I've also noticed addicts and alkies surround themselves with yes men & women so anyone who doesn't agree with their life choices is considered judgemental among other things.

It took me years to convince enablers there was a problem now having similar problems convincing how to help or at least let a bottom happen.

Peace

Stay safe!

coolrobin2

Thank you all so much for your words. They help a lot. Just knowing that I'm not alone helps a lot.

I am detaching from them. I'm not even doing the cops this time. Unfortunately, there are just too many people in our family that are drug users that there is no escape. And yes, pot is a gateway drug and that's a contributor to the relapse for both. Pot is the cool thing now, next will be making heroin legal so cops don't let heroin addicts die in jail. Our society is so pro-drug. It really is.

Anyhow, I spent a good 30 minutes in tears to my Army girl today and she supports my decision to detach. I am putting my house up for sale, buying a newer pool home in a different neighborhood so I can make new memories and start a new life.

I am not a victim.