Need advice after husband's suicide
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 14
Need advice after husband's suicide
I'm going to come back later with specifics, but my main question is your opinions on if I should see him in the casket or not at the funeral home tomorrow?
A friend whose dad took his own life, said she seen him and that it gave her closer that he was not the man she knew and loved. I was going to have a friend see him before his family and I do to make sure they did a could job.
I was reluctant to look at him so that that is not my last image of him. His family and friends don't blame me, they are great and love me dearly and I also am working on focusing on the man I knew and loved not the one who did this.
Thank you all in advance as I'm sure I will be back for support.
A friend whose dad took his own life, said she seen him and that it gave her closer that he was not the man she knew and loved. I was going to have a friend see him before his family and I do to make sure they did a could job.
I was reluctant to look at him so that that is not my last image of him. His family and friends don't blame me, they are great and love me dearly and I also am working on focusing on the man I knew and loved not the one who did this.
Thank you all in advance as I'm sure I will be back for support.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 214
My condolences to you.
I think having someone go in first is a thoughtful approach. Its really your decision based on your feelings.
I have lost someone to cancer and of course the disease took its toll. My experience was that the visual images did stick with me and were difficult, however in time I began to see the whole picture of my loved one . More and more in my minds eye I saw the person healthy as had been most my memories,
There is no right answer, do what feels right, I wish you strength tomorrow. Bless your family for being there for you.
I think having someone go in first is a thoughtful approach. Its really your decision based on your feelings.
I have lost someone to cancer and of course the disease took its toll. My experience was that the visual images did stick with me and were difficult, however in time I began to see the whole picture of my loved one . More and more in my minds eye I saw the person healthy as had been most my memories,
There is no right answer, do what feels right, I wish you strength tomorrow. Bless your family for being there for you.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Los Angeles, California
Posts: 8,326
So sorry for your loss. As has been said, there's no right answer. Some people need to see the body to help with closure.
There's a group you might find helpful. Later, when you're ready. SOS, survivors of suicide. There's a webpage, let me see if I can find it and post it for you.
Love from Lenina
www.allianceofhope.org
Try this. There's more if this doesn't suit.
There's a group you might find helpful. Later, when you're ready. SOS, survivors of suicide. There's a webpage, let me see if I can find it and post it for you.
Love from Lenina
www.allianceofhope.org
Try this. There's more if this doesn't suit.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
Originally Posted by GCousino 
my main question is your opinions on if I should see him in the casket or not at the funeral home tomorrow?
For me in a way it's a final goodbye.
Some want and need to see these dead ones and others definitely don't.
Their spirits have left them and they are now only a hollow shell.
MB
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi G, I'm sorry for your loss. Most funeral homes do a good job of preparing the deceased before viewing. I saw my father, and I'm glad I did, but my sister reacted very badly.
If you have no trouble believing he's gone, then maybe you don't have a reason to see him. If you (like me) have difficulty with the idea of death, then I think it helps with acceptance.
If you have no trouble believing he's gone, then maybe you don't have a reason to see him. If you (like me) have difficulty with the idea of death, then I think it helps with acceptance.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,410
I did not feel the need to see my mother's body when she died.
She asked to be cremated, and no service which I respected.
She was in pretty bad shape and that was not the last image I wanted
to have of her.
I did want to see my grandmother's body when she passed, however.
I think it depends very much on your personal feelings.
If you feel the closure is needed, I would go, but
if you don't want that as your last image, it is OK not to either.
One thing the funeral director for my grandmother offered
was going to see the body before the service and other people
were there--which I did--because I wanted to not have to deal
with others when I first saw her.
After that, I was able to talk to people but stayed more to the
back of the room to do that.
I'm so sorry for your loss--I'm glad is family is supporting you.
She asked to be cremated, and no service which I respected.
She was in pretty bad shape and that was not the last image I wanted
to have of her.
I did want to see my grandmother's body when she passed, however.
I think it depends very much on your personal feelings.
If you feel the closure is needed, I would go, but
if you don't want that as your last image, it is OK not to either.
One thing the funeral director for my grandmother offered
was going to see the body before the service and other people
were there--which I did--because I wanted to not have to deal
with others when I first saw her.
After that, I was able to talk to people but stayed more to the
back of the room to do that.
I'm so sorry for your loss--I'm glad is family is supporting you.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,229
When I pass a dead animal on the
road, sometimes I hate to really
look to see what it is because it
saddens me to see a little critter
get hurt.
I suppose its the compassionate
part of me that truly cares for them.
As a child, my parents never took
us to the funeral home and pretty
much protected us from seeing a
love one or friend lyeing in that state.
I can vegly remember only a few
people ive seen at a funeral home
in my some 50 yrs.
One of those was a sober AA mentor
and friend way back in my early sobriety.
My sponsor shared with me that I didn't
have to go to the funeral, but in order
to put closure to our friendship that
going to the wake would be nice.
So I did.
Closure to most things is comforting
where it allows me to move forward and
not keep me in question later in life that
maybe I should or shouldn't have done
this or that.
Its been a long time since ive
experienced the lost of a close
family member or friend and I
know one day I will have to make
that all important question as
to what I will do.
In the meantime I continue on my
road of recovery and sobriety asking
my HP - Higher Power for the right
direction in all my affairs. When the
time comes I feel confident that I
will be taken care of in whatever
decisions I choose to make.
I also remind myself that all those
little critters I see in the road are
only the remains, the shell of what
once was and that as soon as they
passed, their little souls entered into
a wonderful place living happily, no
pain and frolicking with many others
like them.
Today, I still try to save all my little
bees who just cant seem to stay out
of the pool as I try to save their little lives.
Remember closure will be part of the
healing process.
road, sometimes I hate to really
look to see what it is because it
saddens me to see a little critter
get hurt.
I suppose its the compassionate
part of me that truly cares for them.
As a child, my parents never took
us to the funeral home and pretty
much protected us from seeing a
love one or friend lyeing in that state.
I can vegly remember only a few
people ive seen at a funeral home
in my some 50 yrs.
One of those was a sober AA mentor
and friend way back in my early sobriety.
My sponsor shared with me that I didn't
have to go to the funeral, but in order
to put closure to our friendship that
going to the wake would be nice.
So I did.
Closure to most things is comforting
where it allows me to move forward and
not keep me in question later in life that
maybe I should or shouldn't have done
this or that.
Its been a long time since ive
experienced the lost of a close
family member or friend and I
know one day I will have to make
that all important question as
to what I will do.
In the meantime I continue on my
road of recovery and sobriety asking
my HP - Higher Power for the right
direction in all my affairs. When the
time comes I feel confident that I
will be taken care of in whatever
decisions I choose to make.
I also remind myself that all those
little critters I see in the road are
only the remains, the shell of what
once was and that as soon as they
passed, their little souls entered into
a wonderful place living happily, no
pain and frolicking with many others
like them.
Today, I still try to save all my little
bees who just cant seem to stay out
of the pool as I try to save their little lives.
Remember closure will be part of the
healing process.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 14
aasharon 90 I work with animals so your words are very enlightening and it home for the animal lover in me and for that fact my husband who would save every stray if he could. Thank you so much 😹
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
That is a deeply personal decision. You have to do what's in your heart while being honest about what you can handle. And we'll support whatever decision you make.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I am so very sorry for your loss. I can only say that will be the picture that comes to mind if you do see him, but you may need that for closure.
For myself, I choose not to at funerals b/c I don't want that to be the last image I see of someone. It's just a personal preference, and I have never been in a similar situation such as this.
Many hugs to you. We will be here for you and support you regardless!
For myself, I choose not to at funerals b/c I don't want that to be the last image I see of someone. It's just a personal preference, and I have never been in a similar situation such as this.
Many hugs to you. We will be here for you and support you regardless!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 14
Well, I seen him and was fine if you call it that. It was helpful and believe it or not, I don't have it as my last vision of him.
All the family and friends that drove out or flew in to be with us, was unbelievable. Sad for sure but I don't have regrets.
Given the drug issue, I was worried that some of the "friends" that I blame for supporting his bad behavior would be there, but instead I was surrounded by all the people he and I love. No unwanted guests.
I had made 3 resolutions for 2016 that still fit, but now for different reasons given this tragedy:
New beginnings.. Pamper yourself.. Stay strong.
I will keep saying them. Thank you all.
All the family and friends that drove out or flew in to be with us, was unbelievable. Sad for sure but I don't have regrets.
Given the drug issue, I was worried that some of the "friends" that I blame for supporting his bad behavior would be there, but instead I was surrounded by all the people he and I love. No unwanted guests.
I had made 3 resolutions for 2016 that still fit, but now for different reasons given this tragedy:
New beginnings.. Pamper yourself.. Stay strong.
I will keep saying them. Thank you all.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 574
when my ABF died ... I wasn't sure it was a good idea to go to the funeral. I was pushed by most of his family and some friends. I was escorted in so that I was not alone and a target of the few who blamed me for his troubles.
I'm sorry for your loss and happy that you chose to do what was best for you.
Much love and hugs to you GC, Joie
I'm sorry for your loss and happy that you chose to do what was best for you.
Much love and hugs to you GC, Joie
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
I'm so sorry for your loss. I think your three resolutions for 2016 are so appropriate. I would add one- be extra gentle with yourself. We each grief in our own way and sometimes our feelings as we process go to extremes. "Normal" is whatever works for you. Gentle hugs.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I like your resolutions, and agree with what green said above. Grief is a funny thing, up and down, and you deserve to process this however you can, for as long as you need.
I am glad there was no extra chaos to an already tragic situation. Many hugs to you!
I am glad there was no extra chaos to an already tragic situation. Many hugs to you!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 129
I am so so very sorry that you are going through this.
I went in to see my father before he was cremated. It was both a blessing and a curse; I found it cathartic but rather haunting. He was so small and so frail and so very, very dead. It is shocking to see a body you know so well without its soul/lifeforce.
I don't think there is a right answer. Make a decision and love yourself through the ordeal whatever the decision is.
May you be at peace and supported by many through this.
I went in to see my father before he was cremated. It was both a blessing and a curse; I found it cathartic but rather haunting. He was so small and so frail and so very, very dead. It is shocking to see a body you know so well without its soul/lifeforce.
I don't think there is a right answer. Make a decision and love yourself through the ordeal whatever the decision is.
May you be at peace and supported by many through this.
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