HopelessLove

Please help. I feel so lost. I don't know what to do anymore. My fiance used to be heavily addicted to Loritabs but then got on Suboxone. That was 7 years ago... way too long to be on it, but that's another story. Well we have been dating for 4 years and 2 or 3 years before that was when he got on suboxone. They had him on three strips a day, which was also way too much for him. Anyways, I knew about all that when I met him. He was a great person,he was just trying to recover and is very introverted and doesn't have a lot of friends or support. So beginning of last year he finally started tapering off the suboxone. In March of last year, I noticed my Adderal (I've been taking for years for ADD, AND need it to function for work) started running out earlier.

This went on until about october, when I finally found out it was him. I thought someone was stealing them out of my bag at work. But it was him. What hurts is, I was crying and complaining to him about how horrible it was someone was taking my pills and how scared I was in was going to lose my job... and the whole time it was him. So I left (we live together) and went to my parents. He got mad and took all of his suboxone he had so he was out for almost a month while I was gone. He basically kind of jumped off. He was at a really low does by then, half a strip. So he had some withdrawals for a few weeks but never told me until a month later. He wrote me a long note telling me he was off the meds and he was in recovery now and wouldn't take my meds anymore... so I came back

Surprise. He started stealing my meds again. Even broke into a fire safety I had to get to them. The therapist told us that it was going to be difficult while he was in recovery, and he's using that as his excuse. Well I ran out early and we were off for 2 weeks over Christmas so I just didn't fill my meds. And he was fine.

I filled it last Monday bc we were going to go back to work and I thought he was fine. I hid the bottle and didn't tell him I'd had them refilled... but he found them and took about 20 out of my 60 pulls ( I take 2 a day)... I confronted him and he cried and cried and we talked and talked and he said he thought he knew why he was taking them and he wouldn't anymore.... the very next day, he stole two more, I didn't know, bc he stole them while I was asleep....

When I found out I asked him WHY? He said he wanted to be able to stay up late out last night before we had to go back to work to play video games..... I was livid.... we haven't spoken much since.... I'm just lost, I don't know if I should just leave, or if I should just forgive him bc he's an addict... but I do know I don't want to live like this for the rest of my life... and we are supposed to be married in a few months... I feel stuck. And I'm not sure if I'm overreacting, I try to have compassion but I'm reaching my limit and I don't know if he'll ever change. ... any advice?

zoso77

HopelessLove...

Welcome to the Board. I'm sorry for what has brought you here, but I'm grateful that you've taken the step to post. You've come to a very good place. Other members will be by to greet you and offer you support, but as is my wont when greeting new members, I'd like to share my own thoughts.

When two people marry, what's implicit in the vows they take is neither party will do anything to undercut the vitality and viability of the marriage. Your fiancé, however, hasn't waited until you're married to undercut things. You've caught him stealing your meds on three separate occasions. Based on this, on what basis do you believe he would be a responsible, committed spouse?

You can have all the compassion in the world towards him. That does not mean you are obligated to put up with any of his behavior. If you feel stuck, that is ultimately because you're choosing to be so.

When new members come to us, they feel shackled in a way that limits their options. That isn't the case. We always have choices. But with choices comes consequences. You can go through with the marriage if you so choose, but it's not a stretch to say that you'd regret that choice. Or you could leave him, and the price you pay in the short term is heartache that would likely be overwhelming at times.

Part of our gig here at FFSA is to get members to listen to their own moral compass, and to encourage them to get in touch with their own values. Another part of our gig is to help educate members as to what they're up against when it comes to addiction. The combination of that knowledge and the input of one's moral compass should, in theory, inform any decisions one makes going forward. That's where you are right now.

So read what you can here, for there's a lot of wisdom on these pages, and think about what's important to you. Keep us posted, and again, Welcome to the Board.

Hawkeye13

why aren't you leaving the pills at work?

but the issue is much deeper--do you want a future with someone who
lies and steals from you?

Steely

This does not auger well for a happy marriage. Video games? Sheee!

SparkleKitty

I know that the idea of cancelling or postponing a wedding one has put months and months into planning can feel like the most abhorrent idea in the world.

I promise you it is worlds and worlds better than being married to someone you cannot trust.

AnvilheadII

a wedding is one part of one day but it is then following by a lifetime commitment to another person. are you SURE you want to marry a thief? not only a thief, but a thief who steals from YOU????

addiction does not CAUSE one to steal. or lie. addiction is NO excuse for bad behavior. he isn't owning up to anything....he cries and makes gooey noises to get you to calm down and then immediately reverts to his chosen behavior.

when people show us who they ARE, believe them. THIS is your future husband, provider, mate, father of your children. Mr. i wanted to get high so i could stay up playing video games all night.

at the very least, call off the wedding.

ladyscribbler

The therapist told us that it was going to be difficult while he was in recovery, and he's using that as his excuse.

If he's abusing prescription drugs then he's not really "in recovery." This is still active addiction you're dealing with.

I'm not sure if I'm overreacting.
You are not. You need this medication to function. He put your health, welfare and livelihood in jeopardy because he wanted to be able to stay up late and play video games.
I found that when I looked back, I was actually minimizing how bad things were with my ex. I had gotten used to so much unacceptable behavior that I constantly questioned whether it was really "that bad." It wasn't. It was worse, much worse.
Please do not tie yourself down to this man. He will be nothing but a millstone around your neck. You deserve better.

DG0409

One thing that I heard that I have found very helpful in dealing with people is the quote I put in my signature line- 'Actions don't lie'.

He has said that he won't keep stealing your pills. He has said that he is in recovery. But it is easy for people to say whatever, and addicts will often say what you want to hear.

The thing is that he did steal your pills. He did lie to you. He did keep stealing your pills even after promising not to.

I don't know that whether or not you forgive him makes much difference. You know that saying, 'Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.' Forgiveness is one thing, but giving him the opportunity to do the same thing to you over and over is another. And no, he is not likely to change. Recovery rates are kind of dismal, even for addicts who get serious about their recovery, which he clearly is not.

As a recovering alcoholic/addict, I can say that for my first year of recovery, I was living with somebody that was still drinking and doing drugs. But I wanted recovery more than anything in the world and I didn't pick up even though it was there. If this guy really wanted to recovery, he wouldn't take drugs if they were offered to him, much less go hunting through your stuff and stealing them.

You are not over-reacting. Please, listen to your feelings. They are there for a reason.

HopelessLove

Thank you for all the kind words. I've never been an addict, so I don't know exactly how the process works. But you all are right. He isn't even in recovery if he is stealing my meds.

I can't leave my pills at work, bc he steals them there. He's done it before. We work for the same conpany... in the same department, with different managers, but our cubes are only about 3p ft away. I could try to lock them in my desk. But hes broken into two safes so I know that won't deter him...

I just feel so stupid. I thought if I just helped him, it would get better. And it was getting better, until I found out in October he was taking my meds... what's worse is we are renting the house we live in from his parents... who live right next door... they are so wonderful. I lover his family so much. Especially his mom. She even bought me a gym membership for Christmas for me and her so we can work out for the wedding...

I've become like part of the family and they love me... and I know they don't want us to break up bc they tell me how much I've helped him and much of a better person he is since he met me....

But he's sucking the life out of me... he's horrible at financial stuff too.... he always comes up short every pay period... I have been doing it for so long I didn't realize I'm just constantly stressed bc I don't know if he's spent all his money, and I'll have to pull money out of savings to cover bills.... he's better then he was... but he's 35 and I'm 30... he should have this stuff down by now...

I guess I know I have to leave him.... it's just going to be messy and difficult and very embarrassing for me bc everyone at work knows him and his family bc his dad has worked here since he was 20... I might just have to find a new job... it's going to up end my whole life!!!! I dont deserve this!!! I'm mad too I suppose.... but I have to make a decision. ... for my own health and it's going to suck... for a long time.... but thank you all for your insightful words... I've felt very isolated bc I can't really talk about this with anyone... thank you... thank you, thank you

AnvilheadII

work people and other non-family members will really only captivated by YOUR drama til someone else's drama comes along......you're life isn't OVER.....it's just going to CHANGE. and maybe a new job is the best thing that could ever happen!!! endless possibilities out there kiddo......

doggonecarl

Yes, it will. But it won't be worse than the life you'll have together with the person you describe in your initial post.

Please, do not let what other people might think, or do. Think only about removing yourself completely from the abject misery that is living with an addict.

Hawkeye13

What about giving your pills to his mother to hold?
Do you think he'd steal from her?

This will only get much much worse--he already can't keep any money for bills
and you live in his parent's rental?
If you are using your savings to pay for his addiction, stop immediately
and put that money towards the deposit on your own apartment this week.
Separate your finances, and for heaven's sake, make sure he can't get to your credit cards.
He's in active addiction, and I suspect things will go downhill quickly given what you've said.

I'm sorry you are going through this--get out while you can.

hopepraylove

Hope,
You're right, you don't deserve this.
What you deserve is:
1. A man you can rely on
2. A man who is honest
3. A healthy man
4. Sanity, serenity, peace
5. Much, much more than he can give you right now

You didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it.

Take care of you. Hugs.

DG0409

You're not stupid. You're a kind-hearted person that wanted to help somebody you care about. We're not born with an understanding about addiction and you're here and willing to learn. Sadly, there isn't much you can do to help an addict though and trying can just lead to a lot of hear-ache and pain.

I have read posts from others that talk about how the in-laws liked them so much because it meant that the addict was now their problem instead of their family's problem. He may be easier for them to handle with you in the picture. But you deserve somebody who is an equal partner. There is something very off about the dynamic of your expected role being somebody to 'help him'.

It can feel nice to feel like somebody needs us or that we're helping them. That doesn't make it a healthy form of validation for us though.

Try not to worry about what others think. It's your life. And really, if it was somebody else going through the situation, would you spend your time judging them or would you just go on with your own life?

thequest

Stealing from you is only the tip of the iceberg as far as I am concerned. I've seen an alkie/addict use adderall for speed and their attitude went from bad to worse just when I thought they were approaching or at bottom. Even more radical mood swings on or off it. He went from temper tantrums & anger to a demeanor you only see in horror movies. And that stealing is probably because they have self control and moral issues. The adderall or any substance is the final excuse or rationalization to do what they want. Their barrier between ethical and crime was already probably weak prior to their addiction.

Again, stealing is the least of the issues. The drastic and sometimes sudden mood swings are much more dangerous.

STAY SAFE

MissUs2015

OP,
My EX-ALO took my Adderall too and I work with him.
You could keep them in your purse for now. You have documented medical reason why you need him.
The person who took your medication could be inviting scumbags into your shared space and sharing your medication against your permission. You love him, and there's a good person under there, and maybe you'll find each other again once your sober.
But right now, you have to save yourself. Dump him.

JD4320

So, the title to this thread says it all, "Recovering Addict Fiance stealing my adderall." If he's stealing (using) Adderall, he's not in recovery. Don't get blinded, an addict is in one of two modes using or recovering. Make no mistake, they ARE mutually exclusive. If he's stealing Adderall to use to stay up, to play video games, to drive to Tucson, whatever, he's using. Relapse is indeed a part of recovery, but it's not a good sign by any means. If he's regularly relapsing, he's not really in recovery (even if he wants to) and that's definitely not a good place to start a marriage. IF he is serious about getting clean, he'll take steps to make it happen, like move to a halfway, go to a program of some sort, get more active in AA/NA, work steps, get a sponsor, and/or start sponsoring someone else. If those things are happening and you can handle what your life looks like then, maybe consider supporting him. But if that's not happening, he's just biding his time until he uses again. You don't need that and you definitely don't need him with that access to your life. Take care of yourself.

PuzzledHeart

Hopeless, my (non-addict) ex-fiance dumped me the day after our wedding invitations went out. He had cheated on me, and we did not bring out the best in each other, but I still wanted to go through with it.

Today, I would go down on my hands and knees and THANK him for doing what he did.

Did the breakup suck? Of course it did. Was I bitter and angry? You bet your life on it. But I made an active effort to pursue all these opportunities that I didn't take before because I had spent so much energy trying to resuscitate our relationship. And even though my heart was broken, I look back at that time with nostalgia, weirdly enough. I dared myself to do things I never though of doing before. I made some incredible friendships, sang in a couple bands, and I brought myself to life that was a million times better than the one I had with my ex.

And when I did meet my husband, I realized very quickly that I was participating in my very first functional relationship. Of course there was the romance and passion, but there was also great comfort and stability. You can't make a home with somebody who's a thief.

You may still love him, but you have to work out these issues before you get married. You have to know that you can work through them before you exchange those rings.

I suspect that you know in your heart that if you continue this relationship, and don't at least delay the marriage, you are settling for scraps. He has to prove to you that he loves you. You can't just do all the heavy lifting here. And I can tell you that marriage with a fully-involved partner is hard enough. You don't want to add addiction to that.

My sister, who has been dealing with her own drug addiction off and on since HS, is involved with somebody addicted to pot, and his family _loves_ her. Because she is literally the best thing that ever happened to him. Because they're hoping that maybe she will be the incentive for him to actually get a steady job and move out of his parents house (he's in his mid-forties). Eight years later, it still hasn't happened. Why should he get his act together - his girlfriend still stays with him despite his drug habit.

Please don't try to sweep this under the rug. This doesn't have to be the end of your life. It could be the beginning of a new one.

Vale

There is a very old saying.
Plan for the best, but prepare for the worst.
Unfortunately, addiction overturns this into......

Plan for the worst, prepare for the worst.

Dangerous airplanes have ejection seats,to
get the hell out of bad situations. Lives
adjacent to addiction should also have
well marked, and well trained for
emergency egress paths of escape.

But aircrew with ejection seats still die.

Most of the time it is because
they wait too long before initiating
the sequence.