Sex
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 58
Sex
To keep it simple and to the point...
Is sex really this..uh..non existent and one sided? I've always been a sexual person and while my husband was using, we always had sex and of course, it was always harder for him to get off than me, but I made sure he would get off too even if that meant nothing for me. He'd cuddle with me and be intimate and affectionate. Now, not so much. Really, a whole lot of nothing. Well for me. He gets his too quick, when we attempt. I've heard this is normal..how could it not be, it only makes sense when you're mind, body, and soul are adjusting to a clean life. Is there anything we can do to make it better? Or should I just hold out and not even attempt until he feels it's the right time? It hurts me to not have the intimacy and affection and I'm trying to just let it go but it's hard. I know it's not in his control and I don't want him to feel bad.
Is sex really this..uh..non existent and one sided? I've always been a sexual person and while my husband was using, we always had sex and of course, it was always harder for him to get off than me, but I made sure he would get off too even if that meant nothing for me. He'd cuddle with me and be intimate and affectionate. Now, not so much. Really, a whole lot of nothing. Well for me. He gets his too quick, when we attempt. I've heard this is normal..how could it not be, it only makes sense when you're mind, body, and soul are adjusting to a clean life. Is there anything we can do to make it better? Or should I just hold out and not even attempt until he feels it's the right time? It hurts me to not have the intimacy and affection and I'm trying to just let it go but it's hard. I know it's not in his control and I don't want him to feel bad.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 309
It can definitely be a tricky topic to discuss without upsetting your partner.
During my longest stint of sobriety, my libido hit the floor for some weeks and it was mostly because I felt weird having sex sober as I was usually drunk. My husband did speak to me about it and we did change things up. Specifically, we made time for each other each day, went out together more often and reconnected with that physical intimacy, not necessarily sex, but touching and being together, even a nice massage!
One book I would recommend is 'reclaiming your sexual self' by Kathryn hall. It's aimed at women and has a lot of good stuff in for any relationship without being seedy.
During my longest stint of sobriety, my libido hit the floor for some weeks and it was mostly because I felt weird having sex sober as I was usually drunk. My husband did speak to me about it and we did change things up. Specifically, we made time for each other each day, went out together more often and reconnected with that physical intimacy, not necessarily sex, but touching and being together, even a nice massage!
One book I would recommend is 'reclaiming your sexual self' by Kathryn hall. It's aimed at women and has a lot of good stuff in for any relationship without being seedy.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 5,439
I don't really have any answers or suggestions, but just wanted to know I feel for you. It is so tough to not be able to get the intimacy we crave from a partner. I've been struggling with that with my boyfriend- slightly different circumstances, he's not an addict or alcoholic, but still tough to deal with.
People will suggest talking about it, and that probably really is a good idea. But sometimes what we want is a partner that WANTS to give us what we crave. If you have to discuss it and ask for it, it's not even like they are doing it because they want to and it's not the same.
I can say that early recovery is really tough and some things do just work themselves out with time. On the flip side, there are some things he may not be able to control, but surely he could still cuddle?
People will suggest talking about it, and that probably really is a good idea. But sometimes what we want is a partner that WANTS to give us what we crave. If you have to discuss it and ask for it, it's not even like they are doing it because they want to and it's not the same.
I can say that early recovery is really tough and some things do just work themselves out with time. On the flip side, there are some things he may not be able to control, but surely he could still cuddle?
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
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I feel obligated to expound on where I believe your AH currently is in terms of his head space.
I would have very, very low expectations of him at this point. Assuming he hasn't picked up, he's got, what, 30 days clean time? That is not a lot of time, and he is by no means out of the woods.
It is important you understand that coming off heroin is hell. Read as much as you can about it, for the more you know, the better you'll be able to ride this storm out.
In the meantime, I encourage you to consider other means to scratch that particular itch (that won't, of course, get you into trouble)...
I would have very, very low expectations of him at this point. Assuming he hasn't picked up, he's got, what, 30 days clean time? That is not a lot of time, and he is by no means out of the woods.
It is important you understand that coming off heroin is hell. Read as much as you can about it, for the more you know, the better you'll be able to ride this storm out.
In the meantime, I encourage you to consider other means to scratch that particular itch (that won't, of course, get you into trouble)...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 58
Thank you all for the feedback. I keep going back to I never in my wildest dreams would have thought of myself to be in the position or relationship I'm in. It sucks. Seriosuly. I never get what I want but am grateful for healthy children that are very well taken care of. I'm grateful for my parents and my family who love me unconditionally. I'm grateful for their support even though I feel I don't deserve it. I'm having a hard time accepting that he needs to concentrate on himself and I need to concentrate on me. I get it, I've been so wrapped up in taking care of him and his needs over the years, I'm not just going to snap out of it. I wish I could.
He talked to a friend from aa who gave him a suggestion. Have yet to see him take care of that suggestion. I've suggested a few things...but no, my suggestions suck and he doesn't want to hear them.
He talked to a friend from aa who gave him a suggestion. Have yet to see him take care of that suggestion. I've suggested a few things...but no, my suggestions suck and he doesn't want to hear them.
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Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: Tacoma
Posts: 5
I feel your pain, my husband and I went from having sex every night when he was using to nothing at all when he has been sober for 7 months I try to talk or initiate but he just gets mad at me and tell a me he can't think about it because he is using everything to stay sober, I am about at my wits end ��
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