Hechosedrugs

I see now that I became just as sick as you.

When I was demanding to see your phone, hell-bent on figuring out who was supplying you- I knew I was out of control, but couldn't stop myself.

When I started hitting you, I knew I was being filmed by 3 of the 15 cameras you'd installed all around what used to be our home, but had become my penitentiary- I knew this would be used against me some day. But I couldn't stop.

When I threatened to leave, but you called my bluff- I was floored. You were supposed to love me. I was supposed to leave you. You were the one with the problem- not me. You didn't want to be controlled anymore. You were done.

But now that you stand to lose it all? Now you're back. Did you really think you'd get a clean break after all you put me through? Put us through? You blame it all on my dad, and maybe you're right. He was the one who had to explain to me that placing your hands around my neck and threatening to kill me, while perhaps not "choking", per say, was not okay. The lies and betrayals were not okay. The endangering our children over and over again was not okay. But I was lost in my love for you. So lost.

I still am. I spend my days fixated on my hatred toward your mother- I guess that's no different than how you blame my dad. I talk to you in my mind- I beg for you to come back, all the while knowing that if you did I would have to turn you away. Our kids. How could I have chosen you over our kids?

And now that you've been granted phone calls, you use them to manipulate me. "Tell mommy I love her." It breaks me! And yet, I live for it all the same.

So sick. Probably worse off than you.

Ann

I think it is so hard because the person they become is not the person we knew and loved before drugs, and we want our loved one back so much we keep waiting for signs of change My son was one of the most loving, kind, funny, amazing people you could ever know...before drugs stole his soul.

You have children who need to be safe, safe from him and safe from living in a home where physical and emotional abuse is a daily activity.

Words are shallow unless followed by actions and time enough to see change happening...consistently and always.

I am sorry your heart hurts so much, I am sorry you got drawn in as I did with my son, I am sorry anyone ever picked up drugs because it destroyed our loved ones and it destroyed families and all who love them.

Meetings and personal support helped many of us here. A book called Codependent No More helped me understand why I was so enmeshed in my son's addiction and what I could do to help myself. And SoberRecovery has been my daily go-to for over 13 years, I find my peace here.

I hope you can find your peace too. Accepting what is instead of regretting what might have been is a good start, not an easy one but the first step in moving forward with a program that helps us.

We admitted that we were powerless over addiction/addicts/other people and our lives have become unmanageable.

My name is Ann and I am a codependent.

JOIE12

I remember how enmeshed I was with my ex-husband. He was a problem drinker and abusive in every way. I spent many years living that way but as we get stronger, we learn that everything we need - is right inside us.

When we begin to see our worth and ignore the words and lies that our loved one tells us, we grow stronger. We become more independent and then we start to fight back. No one has this power over you. It is your decision to begin to let go and to build a life you find your happiness within. Mine depended upon this, the quagmire was killing me.

Strength to you. Hugs, Joie

Hechosedrugs

Thank you both.

I know you speak the truth. I am so glad that you've shared your wisdom.