cloudyskies

I am here because my long distance girlfriend is going through oxycodone withdrawal after three years of using the drug under a doctor's care for chronic neck pain due to three auto accidents.

She had surgery in July and the doctor decided to take her off the painkillers in September; we haven't seen each other for many months. Before September, everything was fantastic in our relationship; she was as loving and affectionate and considerate as anyone could ask. I knew she occasionally had to use the painkillers but didn't know she had been on them for so long.

Since she began the detox and withdrawal process, she has become more and more apathetic about our relationship; totally unaffectionate; and now is not even communicating. She posted a picture of herself taken on Oct. 2nd and she looked awful No joy, completely miserable. I last communicated with her directly about three weeks ago at which point she was staying with a cousin, as she said she didn't want to be alone.

I care for her a great deal, but wonder if our whole relationship was an act on her part? I don't think so, but why did she completely stop communicating, won't answer the phone; won't return texts; gchats, etc. What advice do you have for me?

Should I try to call a friend or the cousin of hers; keep trying to get her? I don't even know if she's back home or maybe in rehab.
Her mother now deceased was an alcoholic, however, my gf rarely drank and didn't smoke. Many thanks.

JOIE12

opiates disrupt the brain's production of dopamine, serotonin and endorphins. It takes a long time before they begin to come back. Please read as much as you can about the process before making a solid decision.

Personally - if you can stand it - I would give her as much room as she needs right now. Often someone in recovery is given different meds that will decrease the uncomfortable side effects from withdrawal. These meds may be to blame. She will need space and time to heal. Stay strong and let her know that you are here for her but be cautious as she is not on solid ground yet.

JimC60

Cloudyskies,

First, welcome to the forums. You will find much support, shared experience and some profound wisdom here.

If I were in the same situation, I would attempt to contact the cousin, not to pry into the state of your relationship,but simply to try and discover if your GF is in a rehab facility.

If she is in a rehab, she may well be in a "blackout" period where she cannot communicate with you.

Three years is a very long time to be using Oxy and her recovery will not be fast. Joie has offered good advice.

Keep coming back,

Jim

zoso77

Welcome to the Board. As I read your post, it reminded me of what I went through with my AXGF.

I wouldn't consider it an act. But what I know to be true is the true nature of a person is concealed when they're under the influence of opiates. In the short term and for a small stretch of time, such a person is capable of being a committed, loving partner. But once you take away the opiates, and that person is experiencing their thoughts and feelings full on without the benefit of being numb to them, they become lost and scared.

You're going to have to do something you really don't want to do, and that's allow things to take their own course. I hate having to say that, but that's the honest truth. There's nothing you can do for her. I would start taking care of you, and slowly being the process of detaching from her.

Please keep us posted, and again, Welcome to the Board.

cloudyskies

Thanks for your response. So, are you saying that three years on oxy under a doc's care is more than dependence but addiction? And secondly, you don't seem very hopeful about any future for us. Is the prognosis for her recovery that bleak? I personally am applying the one day at a time mantra. Taking care of myself as best I can by exercising and focusing on other things.

cloudyskies

Thanks for taking the time to respond. I have given her much space; it's been a month since I've had any contact. And as I said, the last I heard she was staying with a cousin. But at this point, don't know if she's in rehab or not. And to be honest, I also feel betrayed that she didn't tell me she was so dependent on the drug from the get-go. Nor did she warn me that she would be coming off. So, while I do care about her; I'm also frustrated by her behavior. And although everyone on this forum will preach that the drug is in control and that may be true; for someone who's never been addicted to anything, it's also hard not to see it as an excuse. I personally would have told her what was going on long before starting the withdrawal process. "Hey, I really care about you, but I've been on such and such..." And I'm coming off, so can't guarantee that I will even know my first name after it all starts... This has been very frustrating.

JOIE12

We cannot advise you regarding what to do. You came to FFSR for a reason. Trust your instinct. We tend to ignore certain things that are too difficult to face. For a period of time, before it begins to set in that something isn't quite right. Many of us here have been to hell and fought our way back. When I first found SR, I read everything along with my own research. I reached out for hope. There wasnt much and that took me another 2 1/2 yrs to accept. They weren't wrong - I was. Opiates (including heroin) is a special one. It slowly turned our loved ones into people we rarely knew. They began to lie, manipulate, give affection to get what they wanted or to keep us on the line for help whenever needed, stealing, pulling deals, gift cards, pawning, disappearing ... I'm not sure there is one person who has made it thru it all that thinks anyone should feel the kind of pain and sickness this brings.

I never used drugs, drink about two glasses of wine a year (if that), no caffeine, no fast foods, no smoking ... i was ill equipped to understand what was happening. It took its toll on my body and mind. The daily tears and incredible sadness is like a big dark hole that i knew I would fall into and never make it out. Before my ABF ... life was pretty damn good. He was an incredible man before the pills and later crack and heroin.

I believed that I could love him into recovery. That's why we all come here. The 3 year experience came down to 'i cannot fix anyone, only the addict can choose sobriety' - and as my byline shows - we can only be responsible for ourselves. Codependence is a very real illness many of us become aware of. 25 years ago, i rejected the idea. And here I am now.

He said he was in detox, when he was at someone's house. He said he wanted to be clean. Didn't want to keep hurting me and others. Didn't want to feel this way anymore. Promised, promised, promised all the things that he knew would keep bringing me a shred of hope.

When I could no longer handle one more day like that ... I decided to get of that merry go round. And I don't regret that decision ... ever. I cringe inside with each story I read here. I cry for everyone going thru this. It caused more pain than a human can stand. And it moves slowly, insidiously creeping up on us. Numbing us to what is right and wrong. We learn to ignore everything for we need the hope. Like a lifeline that will end in our own financial strife, depression, isolation, loss of self respect, quilt, mental challenges, physical illnesses .... it truly robs everyone around the addict.

If hope is what you need, then you will keep finding hope. I did. My ABF is gone. And all the hope in the world could not fix or save him. He needed to save himself. On his own. By his own terms. I could not accept that it was never going to happen. That hope nearly destroyed my life and those that love me. So if you cannot walk away for yourself, then think about those who are in pain, loving you, watching you take a walk down a very painful path.

Personally, I would confirm where she is, where she has been and face it head on. Detoxing from opiates after 3 years, without medical help and supervision - is unlikely. There is a flip side ... when we help people, we teach them to depend upon others, like feeding animals - they stop searching for their own food and lose the ability to survive. The guilt that lingers - is a new pain.

Do what you need to do after you have all the information that you feel that you can tolerate ... read the stickies at the top of this forum. Read the stories ... find a meeting in your area (Alanon, Naranon, CoDA), check out the book Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. I listened to it on cd in my car each day and it was like food for my soul. To hear the voice telling me what I searched for ... brought me great peace as I tried to end this nightmare.

Sorry for the long read but I wish you strength with this. Hugs, Joie

cloudyskies

Thanks so much for your heartfelt and honest reply. That puts it all in a new light. In fact, I don't have much hope about a relationship with her ever again. That's hard to face given that before all this, we had what was seemingly such a great budding love. But I now see the signs of the dependence on her part --- the time that on the phone that she literally talked non-stop for 10 minutes almost without taking a breath or my getting a word in edgewise. Her boundless energy at times; her overly positive attitude. No one is that happy 24/7.

Then at other times, she was moody and a bit distant. So, I do wonder what was real and what was not. I do know that the last time I saw her; putting her on a shuttle to the airport; she had tears streaming down her face.

But in no way do I want to be a co-dependent; I know I can't save her. She has to do that. I'll take your advice and try to verify where she is; if she's in inpatient recovery, or still under the doctor's care. I know for a fact that she had a chronic neck issue and subsequent surgery to solve that problem. According to her the success of that surgery was when the pain doctor decided to take her off the oxy and she told me she had actually been on it for this issue for more than three years. I wonder if not longer. I believe she mentioned clonidine and suboxone as part of this withdrawal process. But she was still an outpatient at that point.

As for money? She made more money than I did anyway, so she never borrowed money or stole from me. At last check, she had a great job with a major corporation; working from home.

Before the withdrawal, she texted me three times daily; was a great communicator, couldn't have been more affectionate, loving or supportive. Afterwards, she could care less.

And I was as good and nice to her as I could possibly be. I thought that she might have been the next longterm love in my life. We felt comfortable together and rarely had a cross word.

So, I can understand completely how tragic this is for everyone on this forum. And I truly appreciate every word from you all. Very much appreciated.

Gettngstronger1

I'm sorry you're going through this. Your story sounds painfully similar to mine. My ex boyfriend also got addicted to painkillers after a doctor prescribed them when he had surgery several years ago (before I even met him). I felt the same way you did when I finally found out... Very betrayed. Also extremely resentful. He had to have known that he wasn't well. Why did he pursue me, date me, enter into a relationship with me, and bring me into all that madness? He was also very loving and affectionate, then became moody and withdrawn. He'd isolate himself for days or even weeks and not return my calls or texts, and then reappear like nothing had happened. I feel your pain on all of that.

It's been over 6 months since we broke up, and I still struggle with trying to figure out if any part of our relationship was real to him. I have no idea, and I'll probably never know. But it doesn't even matter now. What I do know, what I have learned, is that a person in active addiction cannot maintain a healthy relationship with anyone, no matter how much love we give them. I wish I had listened when people tried to tell me a year and a half ago to end the relationship. I would have saved myself a lot of mental anguish and heartache.

I agree with everyone who posted about giving her space. Maybe her cousin can tell you if she is in rehab or not, so you can have some peace of mind just knowing where she is. Then, keep focusing on yourself. If she is still actively using, it's a road you don't want to go down with her. If she's in rehab, she's focusing on herself and she has plenty of people taking care of her right now. The only person who can take care of you, is you. Sending you much strength and support.

AnvilheadII

IMHO, most Long Distance relationships have built in issues.....when we are only or mostly only connected via social media or technology, we are not PRESENT with the other, no matter how we might think or believe we are. anyone can put up a facade, but it is a thousand times easier to do when not right in front of us.

so she was able to "hide" her addiction better. now trust me, we can live with a person and not know what they are really up to, it is just that when you add in the DISTANCE, and a voice on the phone or a text or skype time, the ability to HIDE is just that much easier to pull off.

it is also that much easier to just shut down all communication, as she has done.

i hope that you are able to move forward, taking these lessons with you, and meet others in real life and interact with them face to face, keeping your eyes open to their actions, not just their words.

cloudyskies

Thanks for your note, but I guess my question is why the disappearing act? Why do they seem to disappear and not communicate? What's with that? And I also think you hit on something that gets glossed over. People IMHO are too quick to give the user the benefit of the doubt as being sick puppies. But if they are well enough to hold down a good job and function normally in society, they should not be given a pass on accountability for their actions. I personally think to simply say addiction is a disease is a crock. That may offend some people but so be it. Addicts are sociopaths. Someone suffering from malaria is suffering from a disease; someone addicted to alcohol and drugs is a sociopath.

cloudyskies

Thanks for your note, but I guess my question is why the disappearing act? Why do they seem to disappear and not communicate? What's with that? And I also think you hit on something that gets glossed over. People IMHO are too quick to give the user the benefit of the doubt as being sick puppies. But if they are well enough to hold down a good job and function normally in society, they should not be given a pass on accountability for their actions. I personally think to simply say addiction is a disease is a crock. That may offend some people but so be it. Addicts are sociopaths. Someone suffering from malaria is suffering from a disease; someone addicted to alcohol and drugs is a sociopath.

JimC60

Cloudyskies,

"Someone suffering from malaria is suffering from a disease; someone addicted to alcohol and drugs is a sociopath."

I would like to relate a story which applies directly to your GF's story and also to a person that I know, you can be the judge as to disease vs sociopath.

My friend is about 70 years old, wife of a retired CEO, well to do, has no problems with alcohol use, loving family -- her life was and is good.

A few years back she was diagnosed with breast cancer -- went through chemo and other treatments.

Somewhere along the cancer treatment path she was prescribed Oxycontin which she took strictly according to the doctors's instructions (sounding at all familiar? -- a little like your GF?). She never used more than prescribed, a bit less if anything.

Anyhow, she took the Oxy for a year or so, she kept getting the prescriptions refilled because when she quit taking them - she did not "feel right". She was naive enough not to recognize her "not right" feeling as opiate withdrawal symptoms. Her husband finally recognized that she was addicted to the Oxy, did some research and discovered that she was experiencing withdrawal symptoms when she stopped using.

She was physically dependent (addicted) but not mentally committed to using the drug, so that sets her apart somewhat from a person who uses the drug to get high. She sought medical help and was assisted through her withdrawal and is now fine.

You should bear in mind that opiates alter the brain's chemistry and pleasure pathways regardless of the user's goals. The brain changes are the same whether the user wants to get high or simply find pain relief. There is much reliable information from the medical community on this topic available on the web.

Three years of doctor prescribed use is a very long time, I don't see how your GF could help but be physically dependent - her brain chemistry and pathway structure has been altered by the drugs.

So the judgement call is yours - does she have a physical problem, a brain chemical imbalance (AKA, "disease") or is she a sociopath?

Keep coming back,

Jim

Gettngstronger1

AnvilheadII has an excellent point. The long distance thing definitely makes it easier for the addicted person to keep using, to hide it from their significant other, and to isolate and stop communicating. My ex lived about 50 miles from me... Which doesn't sound too far, but in between our homes is a huge, major city that's well known for its traffic and commuting problems, especially during rush hours. That 50 miles could easily take 2.5 hours or longer if we didn't time our visits around the flow of traffic. We only saw each other one to two times a week. Because of this, we were together for over a year before I figured out his addiction.

When my ex isolated himself and pulled the disappearing acts, he'd isolate himself from almost everyone in his life, not just me. I can't explain that one, I wish I could. He gave me so many different reasons as to why he did that, but who knows what the real truth is. The bottom line is that addiction is extremely selfish, and the drugs will win, over the people who love the addict, every single time. I agree with you about the lack of accountability thing. If you read some of my prior posts, you'll see that I mention that several times. My ex has never once apologized or shown any remorse for the things he did that hurt other people while he was deep in his addiction. He has even said things to me like "I have a disease and I was sick. I've done nothing wrong. I can't be held accountable for things I did and said when I was sick." This was after he came home from supposedly one of the best and most expensive rehabs in the country. I was even told that I was being selfish and inconsiderate for putting my feelings ahead of his sickness and recovery. How do you like that?

I know how much you're hurting, and you definitely seem to care deeply for this girl. But honestly, and this is just my opinion, she may have done you a huge favor by ceasing communication with you. You may have dodged a huge bullet. I'm not sure which is more selfish, addiction or recovery. Plus, the risk of relapse is so high. And you don't want to know what THAT heartache is like.

JOIE12

Gettingstronger .... you bring up something that is conflicting for me. Maybe you have a better take on it.

After detox, my exABF and his female cousin, would talk about what was said in meetings. I also have a friend who quit heroin and drinking. He says the opposite. I listened to them say that the counselors would talk about the people around them. That they had no right to blame the addict for their behavior under the influence. That they needed to focus on their recovery and not going back to negative words, thoughts and people who wanted to hold them in that mode. I was never sure if any of it was just misinterpreted by them or if it's standard in recovery. I do understand both points of view but they conflict with any 12 step program or maybe in the initial startup, the program does not want them to focus on anything other than their own goals.

Whereas my other friend ... had to detox for 30 days and stay in meetings two or more per week with testing etc. He accepted all responsibility for what he did while using and those that he hurt. He has remained clean for nearly a year from both drugs and alcohol.

Cloudyskies - I have always thought that long distance relationships are just too difficult. Too much wondering. Too much could be hidden from anyone. I am sorry that you have been hurt by this. We feel your pain. I can say that my exABF would disappear when he felt the purse strings tightening and he wanted to be away working deals with someone else. Or when he knew that I would no longer be a part of this mess. Anything that I said was a huge downer to him and addicts do not like to face reality. I have not liked to admit this to myself or anyone ... but when i met him, he stated months later that he thought i was a user. He said my eyes look like the eyes of an addict. Sleepy, smooth, calm ... I was so offended by that. I spent the next year convincing him that I have never done any drugs and didn't ever take one single pain pill for anything. Only something over the counter. I didn't even know about opiates or sleeping pills, etc. I became so depressed that he picked me cause he thought i was using. I should have left at that time. You have made me think and remember feeling that get tucked away. No time to deal with them or face the hurt that they brought. Thank you for sharing. This is no easy heal but we do learn and we can use that for all future encounters. I wish you luck but the best thing (minus the questions and wonder) may be to just let her have her space and time. I will say a prayer for her and for you. Hugs, Joie

cloudyskies

Hi Jim: I wrote that in anger and frustration. I need to make some calls to find out what's happening with her; won't be easy to do and am a bit fearful of what I will find out. But I'll start today with her cousin, friend and even my GF's own home number. My apologies for being hasty in labeling someone a sociopath. I don't think that's the case here or certainly now with your wife's friend. Thanks for your comment.

cloudyskies

Thanks so much for your comments. I'm coping by simply trying to ignore it and focusing on my work and own dental issues at the moment. When it rains it pours! But I am curious about your last statement: "I don't know what's more selfish addiction or recovery" Do you mean for the significant other there are both difficult to handle? And if the gf/bf does recover and then relapses, it's only that much more difficult for the significant other to accept?

cloudyskies

Thanks Joie so much for your kind words and your prayers. They do help! I'm trying to keep my own life together; workwise and deal with dental issues. I haven't forgotten about her but do think your advice is correct; give her space and time and let her wonder a bit about me. I have sent her texts and mssges and even a supportive card but no response as yet. I suspect that due to her lack of activity on social media that she is in rehab of some sort. I'll call her cousin and see if I can at least verify that and then try to let it go for a few weeks and see if I hear from her. At least that's my plan now, next week I may not have the will not to try to contact her.

Gettngstronger1

Sorry, I was trying to multitask during a very busy day at work. Some of my thoughts may not have come out as clearly as I wanted them to.

Joie12, I agree, it seems conflicting to me too. I always thought that part of recovery was accepting responsibility, and attempting to make amends with anyone who the addict hurt in some way while he/she was using. I had a close friend go through detox and rehab about 5 years ago, and he definitely seemed remorseful about the things he had done to his loved ones while using. He has stayed clean and never went back to drinking or drugs at all.

Maybe it was because of his example that I thought things would be different when my ex went through rehab. But after he was released, he never once apologized to anyone, or thanked anyone for staying by his side and doing what we could to help him. There was no accountability and no appreciation. I don't know if that's something this particular rehab tells patients not to focus on, or if my ex truly just didn't care about what he had put his loved ones through.

I had a lot of questions when he came home from rehab. But he didn't want to talk about anything or answer any of my questions. He wanted to sweep everything under the rug and act like his using had never happened. He said to me a few times "I was hoping we could just start fresh." How do you start fresh after an ordeal like that? I don't think it's possible.

Cloudyskies, you have gotten a taste of how selfish addiction can be. And I can't speak for everyone who is in recovery, or their significant others. But there need to be some big life changes for an addict to truly be in recovery. He/she has to put recovery above everything else in their life. Recovery is selfish, because it has to be. Many people in recovery are literally fighting for their lives.

What I meant when I mentioned the heartache of a relapse, is seeing it happen when you thought the addict was doing well. Then suddenly, old familiar behaviors return. The moodiness, the isolation... Then the lying and manipulation come back. It's such an extreme roller coaster of emotions to deal with. To hope with everything you have, that "this time" will be the addict's last relapse, this time he/she will stay clean. It's crushing to see them go X amount of days, weeks, even months, without using, and then one day find out they have picked up again. Does that make more sense? At least this was my experience with it... That's not to imply that this is what it's like for everyone.

I hope you're taking good care of yourself. You sound like you're on the right track. Wishing you the very best of luck, and lots of positive vibes.

AnvilheadII

I need to make some calls to find out what's happening with her; won't be easy to do and am a bit fearful of what I will find out. But I'll start today with her cousin, friend and even my GF's own home number.

WHY????