girlfriend is oxy dependent
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,417
I don't know her, but treating you without even the most basic kindness
even if she was withdrawing says a lot about her character, using or not.
The response to your card was particularly insensitive,
so if it were me, I would not want to continue a relationship with her.
Someone capable of "shutting off" another person so callously
would not be a wise person to invest your emotional future in.
Wishing you a happier New Year cloudy
even if she was withdrawing says a lot about her character, using or not.
The response to your card was particularly insensitive,
so if it were me, I would not want to continue a relationship with her.
Someone capable of "shutting off" another person so callously
would not be a wise person to invest your emotional future in.
Wishing you a happier New Year cloudy
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 124
Cloudy..I wish you a Happy New Year and hope you are doing okay today. Winter can be especially rough and I have to admit I'm nervous about the months to come. I hope soon we both stop even caring about trying to figure our AXs out. They made their choices and we don't owe them anything now. You didn't end your relationship and I didn't end mine. They did and there isn't any reason for us to cling to anything that isn't there anymore. And it's really hard for me to say that and I am getting tears in my eyes as I do. I just know how much guilt I have that I can't seem to get past. THat feeling that I caused this and I'm a bad person who deserves to hurt. I hope you aren't feeling the same.
The other thing that was really really hard on me today, was blocking him on social media. But I finally did.
The other thing that was really really hard on me today, was blocking him on social media. But I finally did.
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 48
Priscilla, I know that's hard but it's a smart move not to see them in your list of friends. After a rough night, I've vowed to take it one 24-hour period at a time and not obsess over this failed relationship for this one day. Just to give myself a reprieve from worrying about it; if at all possible. I also appreciate Hawkeye's sage advice.
My ex is obviously emotionally-scarred from a horrific childhood; beaten and emotionally-abused by her alcoholic Mom; abandoned by her father. Raised by grandparents; a recipe for all sorts of problems. I should have recognized that from the get-go. Regardless of her current problems with Oxycodone addiction. Her inexplicable and unjustified anger at me is probably misdirected anger at her deceased parents. Not good.
Happy New Year! Thanks for being there.
My ex is obviously emotionally-scarred from a horrific childhood; beaten and emotionally-abused by her alcoholic Mom; abandoned by her father. Raised by grandparents; a recipe for all sorts of problems. I should have recognized that from the get-go. Regardless of her current problems with Oxycodone addiction. Her inexplicable and unjustified anger at me is probably misdirected anger at her deceased parents. Not good.
Happy New Year! Thanks for being there.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,984
Hi Cloudy and Priscilla, I sure hope this new year brings a lot of healing for you both. A relationship ending can be harder than a death.
Take care of yourselves eat healthy, get exercise and spend time with good people. My favorite read for grieving is How to Survive the Loss of a Love. It is an easy read and very helpful. `I counted days of no-contact after a major breakup. This helps as grieving takes time so every day you get through with no-contact means you are closer to healing and an end of the horrible pain.
God bless and may squadrons of angels surround you!!
Take care of yourselves eat healthy, get exercise and spend time with good people. My favorite read for grieving is How to Survive the Loss of a Love. It is an easy read and very helpful. `I counted days of no-contact after a major breakup. This helps as grieving takes time so every day you get through with no-contact means you are closer to healing and an end of the horrible pain.
God bless and may squadrons of angels surround you!!
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 124
Thank you so much, Bekindalways. I really appreciate that. Fortunately any urges to contact him are gone. I know without a doubt there is nothing but pain for me down that path. So that's a step in the right direction at least.
Happy New Year to you as well
Happy New Year to you as well
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 574
People are often broken in one way or perhaps many ways. We make choices as to how we handle that. For some, it makes us stronger.
Others ? well, I think you have experienced that.
I tolerated too much. And found that after the storm, I will never allow this in my life again.
Each story is as different as it is the same. And your heart is hurting but that will heal easier than staying with someone who is not 100% clean, sober and able to share their life with you.
Each day, you can make a choice to respect who you are. To go forward and build what it is that you wish to keep in your life.
Hugs,
Joie
Others ? well, I think you have experienced that.
I tolerated too much. And found that after the storm, I will never allow this in my life again.
Each story is as different as it is the same. And your heart is hurting but that will heal easier than staying with someone who is not 100% clean, sober and able to share their life with you.
Each day, you can make a choice to respect who you are. To go forward and build what it is that you wish to keep in your life.
Hugs,
Joie
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 48
Thanks Joie, just have one last thing that's gnawing at me that maybe someone can answer or address.
Why does someone in the throes of such an addiction bite the hand of those that are nicest to them? I had the unfortunate experience of having a previous girlfriend who suffered from Narcissistic Personality Disorder and she was the most hateful and nastiest the nicer and more emotionally-intimate you became.
Is someone with a drug addiction similar? Is it pathological, or are they desperately petrified of your trying to interrupt their drug habit? To get them clean and sober?
Why does someone in the throes of such an addiction bite the hand of those that are nicest to them? I had the unfortunate experience of having a previous girlfriend who suffered from Narcissistic Personality Disorder and she was the most hateful and nastiest the nicer and more emotionally-intimate you became.
Is someone with a drug addiction similar? Is it pathological, or are they desperately petrified of your trying to interrupt their drug habit? To get them clean and sober?
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: USA
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they fight back when you threaten to leave or stop helping them with their choices. It's the drugs.
NPD was too difficult for me to be around eventually. Heroin can cause all of the lies, manipulation, narcissism, borderline personality disorder OR often those things are present and that is perhaps why some people use drugs or alcohol.
I thought I could change that. Make it better for him. I was in denial for a very long time. Each story is different. Each person is different as are the dynamics. We discover our truths in our own time and then there's no turning back. I needed to face my codependency and staying within my boundaries to avoid certain situations.
Addicts do what they do. They want us to turn it in on ourselves so that they do not have to face their own issue. I'm not sure with females but men often fear intimacy as the drugs diminish their ability to enjoy it.
I'm sorry that you are going thru this. Stay strong, set some boundaries (for your sake) and try to find a meeting in your area (Alanon, CoDA, Naranon). There is a book that many people read, over and over. I listened to it on CD. CoDependent No More by Melody Beattie
hugs,
Joie
NPD was too difficult for me to be around eventually. Heroin can cause all of the lies, manipulation, narcissism, borderline personality disorder OR often those things are present and that is perhaps why some people use drugs or alcohol.
I thought I could change that. Make it better for him. I was in denial for a very long time. Each story is different. Each person is different as are the dynamics. We discover our truths in our own time and then there's no turning back. I needed to face my codependency and staying within my boundaries to avoid certain situations.
Addicts do what they do. They want us to turn it in on ourselves so that they do not have to face their own issue. I'm not sure with females but men often fear intimacy as the drugs diminish their ability to enjoy it.
I'm sorry that you are going thru this. Stay strong, set some boundaries (for your sake) and try to find a meeting in your area (Alanon, CoDA, Naranon). There is a book that many people read, over and over. I listened to it on CD. CoDependent No More by Melody Beattie
hugs,
Joie
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 48
Thanks for that. I don't think in my case she is NPD. That's horrific; I would run from anyone with that. They will destroy you.
In my case, she went from the most loving and affectionate woman you could imagine to cutting me off with not even a note goodbye. That's what I find difficult. She cut me off with no consideration for my feelings whatsoever. Even if she had said: I've got a problem; drugs are more important than you or anything, so it's over. That would have been easier to understand than the manner in which she abandoned me via long distance!
In my case, she went from the most loving and affectionate woman you could imagine to cutting me off with not even a note goodbye. That's what I find difficult. She cut me off with no consideration for my feelings whatsoever. Even if she had said: I've got a problem; drugs are more important than you or anything, so it's over. That would have been easier to understand than the manner in which she abandoned me via long distance!
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Join Date: Nov 2015
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Re: Oxy addict gf --- This is not the way normal people act; if mature adult women are in a serious relationship with someone and they want out for any reason under the Sun, they normally at least have the courtesy to say -- Hey guy, I just can't stand your brown eyes; check you in the next life. I've never dealt with an addictive personality before --- are they so callous, uncaring and completely inconsiderate? So focused on either the personal pain of withdrawal or getting their next fix that they lose all common courtesy? What makes me angriest is that you would be SHOCKED if I told you who she worked for. A very prominent Fortune 500 company. I'm sure they know nothing of any of this and she's nice as hell to them. But her boyfriend, no, he's not worth the trouble. But money in the bank? oh sure. I'll suck up to them anytime. Do I sound embittered; you better believe it.
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Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 468
Joie, this describes me so well and spoke straight to my soul. God, this is painful. Thank you so much for your words. What a blessing.
Originally Posted by JOIE12 
We cannot advise you regarding what to do. You came to FFSR for a reason. Trust your instinct. We tend to ignore certain things that are too difficult to face. For a period of time, before it begins to set in that something isn't quite right. Many of us here have been to hell and fought our way back. When I first found SR, I read everything along with my own research. I reached out for hope. There wasnt much and that took me another 2 1/2 yrs to accept. They weren't wrong - I was. Opiates (including heroin) is a special one. It slowly turned our loved ones into people we rarely knew. They began to lie, manipulate, give affection to get what they wanted or to keep us on the line for help whenever needed, stealing, pulling deals, gift cards, pawning, disappearing ... I'm not sure there is one person who has made it thru it all that thinks anyone should feel the kind of pain and sickness this brings.
I never used drugs, drink about two glasses of wine a year (if that), no caffeine, no fast foods, no smoking ... i was ill equipped to understand what was happening. It took its toll on my body and mind. The daily tears and incredible sadness is like a big dark hole that i knew I would fall into and never make it out. Before my ABF ... life was pretty damn good. He was an incredible man before the pills and later crack and heroin.
I believed that I could love him into recovery. That's why we all come here. The 3 year experience came down to 'i cannot fix anyone, only the addict can choose sobriety' - and as my byline shows - we can only be responsible for ourselves. Codependence is a very real illness many of us become aware of. 25 years ago, i rejected the idea. And here I am now.
He said he was in detox, when he was at someone's house. He said he wanted to be clean. Didn't want to keep hurting me and others. Didn't want to feel this way anymore. Promised, promised, promised all the things that he knew would keep bringing me a shred of hope.
When I could no longer handle one more day like that ... I decided to get of that merry go round. And I don't regret that decision ... ever. I cringe inside with each story I read here. I cry for everyone going thru this. It caused more pain than a human can stand. And it moves slowly, insidiously creeping up on us. Numbing us to what is right and wrong. We learn to ignore everything for we need the hope. Like a lifeline that will end in our own financial strife, depression, isolation, loss of self respect, quilt, mental challenges, physical illnesses .... it truly robs everyone around the addict.
If hope is what you need, then you will keep finding hope. I did. My ABF is gone. And all the hope in the world could not fix or save him. He needed to save himself. On his own. By his own terms. I could not accept that it was never going to happen. That hope nearly destroyed my life and those that love me. So if you cannot walk away for yourself, then think about those who are in pain, loving you, watching you take a walk down a very painful path.
Personally, I would confirm where she is, where she has been and face it head on. Detoxing from opiates after 3 years, without medical help and supervision - is unlikely. There is a flip side ... when we help people, we teach them to depend upon others, like feeding animals - they stop searching for their own food and lose the ability to survive. The guilt that lingers - is a new pain.
Do what you need to do after you have all the information that you feel that you can tolerate ... read the stickies at the top of this forum. Read the stories ... find a meeting in your area (Alanon, Naranon, CoDA), check out the book Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. I listened to it on cd in my car each day and it was like food for my soul. To hear the voice telling me what I searched for ... brought me great peace as I tried to end this nightmare.
Sorry for the long read but I wish you strength with this. Hugs, Joie
I never used drugs, drink about two glasses of wine a year (if that), no caffeine, no fast foods, no smoking ... i was ill equipped to understand what was happening. It took its toll on my body and mind. The daily tears and incredible sadness is like a big dark hole that i knew I would fall into and never make it out. Before my ABF ... life was pretty damn good. He was an incredible man before the pills and later crack and heroin.
I believed that I could love him into recovery. That's why we all come here. The 3 year experience came down to 'i cannot fix anyone, only the addict can choose sobriety' - and as my byline shows - we can only be responsible for ourselves. Codependence is a very real illness many of us become aware of. 25 years ago, i rejected the idea. And here I am now.
He said he was in detox, when he was at someone's house. He said he wanted to be clean. Didn't want to keep hurting me and others. Didn't want to feel this way anymore. Promised, promised, promised all the things that he knew would keep bringing me a shred of hope.
When I could no longer handle one more day like that ... I decided to get of that merry go round. And I don't regret that decision ... ever. I cringe inside with each story I read here. I cry for everyone going thru this. It caused more pain than a human can stand. And it moves slowly, insidiously creeping up on us. Numbing us to what is right and wrong. We learn to ignore everything for we need the hope. Like a lifeline that will end in our own financial strife, depression, isolation, loss of self respect, quilt, mental challenges, physical illnesses .... it truly robs everyone around the addict.
If hope is what you need, then you will keep finding hope. I did. My ABF is gone. And all the hope in the world could not fix or save him. He needed to save himself. On his own. By his own terms. I could not accept that it was never going to happen. That hope nearly destroyed my life and those that love me. So if you cannot walk away for yourself, then think about those who are in pain, loving you, watching you take a walk down a very painful path.
Personally, I would confirm where she is, where she has been and face it head on. Detoxing from opiates after 3 years, without medical help and supervision - is unlikely. There is a flip side ... when we help people, we teach them to depend upon others, like feeding animals - they stop searching for their own food and lose the ability to survive. The guilt that lingers - is a new pain.
Do what you need to do after you have all the information that you feel that you can tolerate ... read the stickies at the top of this forum. Read the stories ... find a meeting in your area (Alanon, Naranon, CoDA), check out the book Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. I listened to it on cd in my car each day and it was like food for my soul. To hear the voice telling me what I searched for ... brought me great peace as I tried to end this nightmare.
Sorry for the long read but I wish you strength with this. Hugs, Joie
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Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 468
Cloudy- my AH used opiates for years before I ever found out. By the time I found out his mind, personality, desires, andcharacteristics had changed. The addict inside was now in charge and the man I loved and knew was disappearing.
I can tell you - opiate withdraw, from what I've seen in him, is not pretty. It's debilitating almost. Physically and mentally. She honestly probably wouldn't know what to say to you during withdrawal or have the energy for anything other than getting through the physically withdrawals. My AH would be in bed and not move let alone speak during the couple of times he went through withdrawal. You've got to remember this isn't about you. She isn't not reaching out because of you but because of what she's going through. For us who love the addict, we must sit aside watching them in pain, while trying to swallow the pain we feel all the while. I hope this somewhat helps. How are things now?
I can tell you - opiate withdraw, from what I've seen in him, is not pretty. It's debilitating almost. Physically and mentally. She honestly probably wouldn't know what to say to you during withdrawal or have the energy for anything other than getting through the physically withdrawals. My AH would be in bed and not move let alone speak during the couple of times he went through withdrawal. You've got to remember this isn't about you. She isn't not reaching out because of you but because of what she's going through. For us who love the addict, we must sit aside watching them in pain, while trying to swallow the pain we feel all the while. I hope this somewhat helps. How are things now?
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Join Date: Nov 2015
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Originally Posted by hope778
Cloudy- my AH used opiates for years before I ever found out. By the time I found out his mind, personality, desires, andcharacteristics had changed. The addict inside was now in charge and the man I loved and knew was disappearing.
I can tell you - opiate withdraw, from what I've seen in him, is not pretty. It's debilitating almost. Physically and mentally. She honestly probably wouldn't know what to say to you during withdrawal or have the energy for anything other than getting through the physically withdrawals. My AH would be in bed and not move let alone speak during the couple of times he went through withdrawal. You've got to remember this isn't about you. She isn't not reaching out because of you but because of what she's going through. For us who love the addict, we must sit aside watching them in pain, while trying to swallow the pain we feel all the while. I hope this somewhat helps. How are things now?
I can tell you - opiate withdraw, from what I've seen in him, is not pretty. It's debilitating almost. Physically and mentally. She honestly probably wouldn't know what to say to you during withdrawal or have the energy for anything other than getting through the physically withdrawals. My AH would be in bed and not move let alone speak during the couple of times he went through withdrawal. You've got to remember this isn't about you. She isn't not reaching out because of you but because of what she's going through. For us who love the addict, we must sit aside watching them in pain, while trying to swallow the pain we feel all the while. I hope this somewhat helps. How are things now?
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