hopepraylove

Apologies beforehand if this is a rant. I'm going to vent and conclude with a question. This is more so to get things off my chest and be done with the thoughts instead of keeping them alive and in circulation in my brain.

I met with my ex last night for the first time in four months. He asked to meet in person to make "amends." I was hesitant, but considering the last time I saw him I had kicked him out, he was high as a kite and it was a devastating breakup, I thought it may give me some closure to see him in person.

He ended up giving me a short "I'm sorry for some of the things I've said apology." I called him out on it being half-assed and not sincere. Ended up crying and trying to explain the pain I've endured. It was honestly a lot of pent up frustration and resentment that I put-off and harbored. He ended up crying and giving me a real apology, but then started asking about getting back together. I told him it wasn't an option right now, he told me he wasn't ready to be in my life as friends. We talked a little longer and it was on good terms. Talked about forgiveness, me forgiving him, him forgiving me, him forgiving himself. It was constructive, we ended with me leaving the ball in his court in terms of communication. If we can have healthy and respectful conversation, I'm happy to have him in my life.

However, there were a few red flags...one being that he has easily lost 25-30 pounds. I've never seen him this thin...when I asked about it, he told me he has been depressed and not eating or sleeping much. A tell-tale sign of him using in the past has always been that he has lost substantial weight. Second, his phone kept going off...he claimed it was his mother calling him, but when he left he said he was going to two cross streets (where he used to score) to check-in and see if his friend (who has gone "missing") was there. Three, he admittedly is not working a program of any sorts...he has been to 4 or 5 AA/NA meetings in 4 months. He does not work the steps, he has a sober friend who he confides in that he refers to as his "sponsor" but no step work is being done and this friend lives in another state.

It makes me sad. In a perfect world, I would have seen him, he'd be healthy, working a program, happy. But, in my opinion, he is none of those things. My heart continues to break for him, all I can do is pray for him. He told me he "doesn't consider himself sober" because he is on a variety of meds: anti-depressants, sleeping pill, mood stabilizer. I told him that many would consider that sober, he argued that it "changed who he was" and that he is "sober, but more dry than sober since he has no program."

Is it possible for someone to stay sober without 12-steps/aa/na, etc? He does go to the VA and attend group counseling and therapy weekly.

I'm dragging at work today. I feel hollow and sad. The man that I was once so in love with, is a shell of the person he used to be.

Please be gentle on me. I'm aware that by posting this, it's likely many of you will tell me it wasn't a good idea to see him. However, it is what I needed to do (I do NOT regret it whatsoever), and ultimately, I do feel that it was a constructive conversation overall. It gave me a sense of peace and comfort to see him again. I undoubtably still love him. He does look better than the last time I saw him where he was obviously "not right."

AnvilheadII

did you get closure.....or did it just open the door a bit further?

yes a person CAN stay sober all on their own....it IS done....many addicts find support invaluable for the "therapeutic value of one addict helping another is without parallel (NA)".

let me ask you this....if he had SAID he was attending meetings DAILY, had a sponsor, read the Basic Text, etc etc, and still the other "red flag" items were on display, would you still have doubts?

hopepraylove

I don't know if I can define what I'm feeling as "closure," but it does feel better to have seen him like this, in comparison to my last memory of him (strung out/high).

If he was working a program, reading the text, had a sponsor, attended meetings daily, etc. I would be more inclined to remain in consistent contact with him, but because it appears that little has changed (other than him being dry) I'm in no position to push for it.

hopepraylove

oh, I misread what you were asking Anvil. IF HE HAD "SAID" but it did not appear...hm..I'm not too sure what I would do/would have done. But, these other red flags are difficult to ignore regardless. I think being put in this situation also showed me that regardless of if he IS sober, or ISN'T. I don't think I'll ever be able to trust him.

Lily1918

He told you himself that he is dry but not in recovery. There you have it from the horses mouth. Believe him

mamaof3boyz

My husband was clean from heroin 19 years. For the first few years of sobriety he attended meetings, had a sponsor and did step work. He fell off after a while with the "program" but managed to stay clean from heroin. He did other things such as steroids and drank a few beers for a very short period of time. He had always taken Excedrin like clock work every morning because he anticipated a headache daily. He would take Ativan too when anxiety kicked in. He went through a period of depression, lost numerous jobs over the past 10 years (12 to be exact) and just made bad decisions professionally. He would always tell me there is a void in his life and,was always super negative. He ended up relapsing twice this year. We were pregnant and he was out of yet another job and he let the stress get to him. Would he have relapsed if he was going to meetings? Would he have relapsed if he had a sponsor? Hmm mm maybe not. Who knows. He had no support.
Going to meetings, working a program and obtaining a sponsor in my opinion is necessary especially in early recovery. A sober friend doesn't count. I wouldn't trust him until you see more... Why would he want to see a friend who is from a bad part of his past? That tells me he isn't very serious about sobriety.
My husband's sponsor once told me "A person in early recovery cannot do enough to work on themselves. There is no such thing as doing too much recovery work"

Ann

Lost weight, constantly ringing phone (and perhaps lies about who was calling) and making excuses (or more lies) about hanging out in old drug areas...all red flags whether he had a program or not.

Many get sober/clean without a program but far more find programs helpful with finding support and help in resetting their mindset on how to face life on life's terms. In the end, they use or don't use and our instincts are usually very good and if I were you, I would trust what my heart tells me.

My heart hurts for you, and for him too.

Hugs