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Can you accept your part, but still be angry at someone else's actions?



Can you accept your part, but still be angry at someone else's actions?

Old 11-23-2015, 10:27 AM
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Can you accept your part, but still be angry at someone else's actions?

Here's something that I've been wrestling with lately. Is it possible to simultaneously accept that you and your actions are partly responsible for a bad situation, and still be angry or upset or hurt for the addict's actions?

I wanted to treat him like an adult and allow him to make his choices. I also of course wanted him to be back with me in our life. As he started to slip away from AA/NA, started to negotiate with abstinence "I can have one drink and be okay," I pushed back but obviously not hard enough. He skidded off the rails in about 3-4 months and went on the most destructive bender I've ever seen from him.

Today, I am at peace with my part in this situation. I know that I didn't hold the line when he started negotiating with things to which we had previously agreed, I know I didn't push back hard enough when he was looking for and accepting jobs that aren't the types he said he needed, and that we'd agreed to. I know I was taking a chance on this happening, and it happened. But I'm still angry that he didn't take care of himself, I'm still angry that he didn't take care of me, and I'm still angry that I got hurt. Is that normal? Am I not really accepting these facts when I think I am? What do you think?
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Old 11-23-2015, 10:47 AM
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I wanted to treat him like an adult and allow him to make his choices. I also of course wanted him to be back with me in our life. As he started to slip away from AA/NA, started to negotiate with abstinence "I can have one drink and be okay," I pushed back but obviously not hard enough. He skidded off the rails in about 3-4 months and went on the most destructive bender I've ever seen from him.
The implicit assumption built into the "pushing back" narrative is the belief if you had pushed back "harder", he wouldn't have slid backwards. The truth is he wanted to drink. Push back a little...push back a lot...doesn't matter. He decided to back away from his program. He decided he could have one drink and be OK. And the one who is solely responsible for the destructive bender you've witnessed is him.

Your job is to manage yourself, your choices, and your behaviors. And a big part of that job is deciding what you're willing to tolerate and for how long.
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Old 11-23-2015, 11:03 AM
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You know Zoso, that's sort of the thing I'm struggling with. I don't feel responsible for his actions and decisions. I don't feel like there is a thing I can do to make him change his mind. It's his decisions. I guess the push I could have used was one pushing him out the door a little sooner.

So I guess that's the crux of what I'm wrestling with. I was willing to tolerate him as long as I did, then I got him out the door to rehab in another state when it was too much. We talk occasionally, he's working on himself, I'm working on me. I'm angry that it got to that point again after a previous stint in rehab, and I'm pissed that it cost me what it cost. But I don't feel regret that I didn't "get him into rehab" or "keep him from drinking/using." I know that's not my job, that's not my responsibility.

I'm angry for his destructive actions, they hurt. But I don't feel guilty. Does that make sense?
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Old 11-23-2015, 11:29 AM
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JD, there is no user manual on how to deal with someone who doesn't want to embrace recovery. Most of us here stumbled about until we got to the point you're currently at. So, fine. You're angry at what he's done. That's fine, and that's normal given all that has happened. Sit with it as best you can, and make sure it doesn't cloud your judgment...
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Old 11-23-2015, 12:33 PM
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Apologies if I sound defensive. I'm definitely wrestling with all these emotions and looking for input. I feel that my perspective makes sense to me, but I don't necessarily trust it either. I appreciate the feeback Zoso77
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Old 11-23-2015, 12:40 PM
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The anger will diminish when you work through the pain.
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Old 11-23-2015, 01:24 PM
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You can certainly accept your part and still be angry at the other party. Anger is a normal feeling. But keep in mind that anger only hurts the one who is angry.
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Old 11-23-2015, 01:42 PM
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Hey JD,

I am definitely trying to practice what I preach on that one. Being here is definitely a part of processing through the pain and anger. I am confident that it will subside, and that I will be just fine. But of course processing those feelings is an important part of the process. Thanks to you all for helping as I'm reaching out
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Old 11-23-2015, 07:19 PM
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I can't help being angry. I just feel it. I have been angry for almost five weeks. I find happiness and other emotions in other things, but when I think about my axf I mostly feel very angry. I have hope it'll run its course, but I am not finished being angry yet.
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Old 11-23-2015, 10:20 PM
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Originally Posted by Falseclaimsact View Post
I can't help being angry. I just feel it. I have been angry for almost five weeks. I find happiness and other emotions in other things, but when I think about my axf I mostly feel very angry. I have hope it'll run its course, but I am not finished being angry yet.
Too often we think we are 'done' with our anger.... But find out we were not really done with it... Perhaps considered it done... Then to find later our proclamation of doneness may have been premature.

Take as much time as you need... Just try not to let your anger come out in destructive ways...

Last edited by teatreeoil007; 11-23-2015 at 10:23 PM. Reason: Adding to...
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Old 11-24-2015, 06:08 AM
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Hey there Falseclaimsact,

Yeah, I'm in about the same place. Five weeks of roller coaster emotions and thinking that I'm maybe done with it, or doing better, and then BAM! RAGE! Like Teatree says just take some time and don't rush it. We're here to help! I know I'll keep bringing my thoughts too.
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Old 11-24-2015, 07:58 AM
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Originally Posted by jd1639 View Post
You can certainly accept your part and still be angry at the other party. Anger is a normal feeling. But keep in mind that anger only hurts the one who is angry.
I totally agree with this. Anger can also be very productive for me at times, when I use the fuel it provides to move beyond it.


OP - I don't know your situation but the thing that literally POPPED out of your post for me was this:

Originally Posted by JD4320
I know that I didn't hold the line when he started negotiating with things to which we had previously agreed,
which you followed up with:

I don't feel responsible for his actions and decisions. I don't feel like there is a thing I can do to make him change his mind. It's his decisions. I guess the push I could have used was one pushing him out the door a little sooner.
When I had a lot of anger that I couldn't resolve or place or even justify (after a while) I eventually realized it was because I was REALLY mad at myself. Like really, really, really angry & in a way I never had been before. I hadn't ever disappointed myself in such a big way or felt so humiliated as a result of my own decisions. (I consider it my decision to have accepted unacceptable behaviors & circumstances in my life no matter what the extenuating reasons.)

I was SO angry at my own betrayal of myself & I had no where to put these new, raw feelings.

Just food for thought, in case it resonates for you.
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