I hate him so why can't I leave him?
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Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Delray Beach, Florida
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I hate him so why can't I leave him?
Yesterday I expressed my frustration to my recovering husband because I felt he was super hyper and telling me what I should buy at the grocery store. Although he said he was trying to help me, I just got annoyed with him because I took it as controlling behavior and got defensive. As my boys and I were walking out the door to grocery shop, he said "Have fun, you're nuts" then he said "you're a wacko" in front of my kids. I told my boys to never ever act like that to any lady or anyone because it's hurtful and disrespectful. Then I thought to myself, maybe I was being defensive and angry so he got upset with me...but still I don't deserve to be called names especially in front of my kids. But why am I not running out the door? Why is it so hard to leave him? What if there is a chance we can repair this marriage? . I would feel guilty for not staying and trying especially for my kids. I can't get past the anger from his relapses this year so maybe that's why he gets so frustrated with me. But I still don't deserve his bad behavior.
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: LBC, CA
Posts: 203
Please don't be upset with my post, last time I gave relationship opinion to a woman that asked for it here she was upset at all of us really (not just me) for not siding with her.
The title says it a lot: I hate him.
That right there tells me that most likely the sound of his voice annoys you. If that is the case then most everything he says, helpful or not, will rub you the wrong way. You will either say something to him that he finds disrespectful or be non-verbal and finds that disrespectful. You have to remember whatever exchange you had with him also happened in front of his kids (actually I am assuming they are also his kids, not sure by your post if he is their dad).
I am not saying he was right in calling you names. There was a better way to communicate with you as you guys were walking out the door: "You know I really was just trying to be helpful to you. I felt upset when you shrugged me off inside. If you don't want me to come around on these shopping trips let me know." Saying your wakco just express his own frustration but doesn't really lead to anything positive.
Even if he said something like I the above, it may still have rubbed you the wrong way because you hate him. Everything he says will come out wrong to you and arguments or uncomfortable exchanges will happen again.
If you really want to work it out then really try to get the hate out. If you are done then just be done. In the middle is just hard on everyone involved.
The title says it a lot: I hate him.
That right there tells me that most likely the sound of his voice annoys you. If that is the case then most everything he says, helpful or not, will rub you the wrong way. You will either say something to him that he finds disrespectful or be non-verbal and finds that disrespectful. You have to remember whatever exchange you had with him also happened in front of his kids (actually I am assuming they are also his kids, not sure by your post if he is their dad).
I am not saying he was right in calling you names. There was a better way to communicate with you as you guys were walking out the door: "You know I really was just trying to be helpful to you. I felt upset when you shrugged me off inside. If you don't want me to come around on these shopping trips let me know." Saying your wakco just express his own frustration but doesn't really lead to anything positive.
Even if he said something like I the above, it may still have rubbed you the wrong way because you hate him. Everything he says will come out wrong to you and arguments or uncomfortable exchanges will happen again.
If you really want to work it out then really try to get the hate out. If you are done then just be done. In the middle is just hard on everyone involved.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I agree with the above poster, I don't think what he said as you walked out the door is the problem, I think it is a symptom of a much larger problem that includes the inability for each of you to communicate responsibly and with kindness.
I would be hurt if I was you too, and I agree this whole situation is unhealthy for the kids.
Would he consider counseling with you, or each alone?
Living as you are is unhealthy and toxic for everyone, him, you and the kids. I hope you find a solution soon.
Hugs
I would be hurt if I was you too, and I agree this whole situation is unhealthy for the kids.
Would he consider counseling with you, or each alone?
Living as you are is unhealthy and toxic for everyone, him, you and the kids. I hope you find a solution soon.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
has he found a JOB yet? is there any reason that since he had ideas for the grocery list that HE didn't go shopping OR go shopping WITH you?
negativity breeds more negativity......resentment tends to fester and grow.....and it changes how we view things.....it becomes our filter and then almost anything "they" do runs thru that negative filter. that is neither right or wrong, it's just the nature of the beast when things have gone awry in a relationship.
try as best you can as to reel your stuff back in a bit, so that you can just OBSERVE your (r)AH objectively.....is he someone you really even LIKE or RESPECT? are the people you two are TODAY really compatible? is this really where you want to be?
i've been doing some of this lately in my own situation......we're at a bit of a crossroads and i am not 100% sure this is where i want to be. the people that we have grown into today rub a bit abrasively at each other at times. not surprisingly i do more of the "work" in the relationship and hank just kinda skates by. same goes with our home....as far as chores or maintenance, he's either "too tired" from work or just too busy in his recliner flipping the buttons off the remote. he thinks it's enough that he's here, and he'll "get to" those other things SOON.
where once i was able to tell myself that's enough....now i'm just not sure. i've given myself three months (Feb 18) to review and process and shore things up financially. with the mortgage i can't just run out the door screaming, refi is not an option as our rate is 3.75 and i can't anything near to that, much less a full point below. neither of us can afford this place and all the bills on just our own income. doesn't leave many options except to sell. BUT as we are still underwater on Loan to Value, so well...........not sure what Plan D would be....yet.
if you are not being abused or in danger and you feel your children are not suffering emotionally, then give yourself some time to sort this out in your head. get some counseling. lean on friends and family for breaks. check out your OPTIONS, think about a plan. and always, ALWAYS do what is best for YOU.
negativity breeds more negativity......resentment tends to fester and grow.....and it changes how we view things.....it becomes our filter and then almost anything "they" do runs thru that negative filter. that is neither right or wrong, it's just the nature of the beast when things have gone awry in a relationship.
try as best you can as to reel your stuff back in a bit, so that you can just OBSERVE your (r)AH objectively.....is he someone you really even LIKE or RESPECT? are the people you two are TODAY really compatible? is this really where you want to be?
i've been doing some of this lately in my own situation......we're at a bit of a crossroads and i am not 100% sure this is where i want to be. the people that we have grown into today rub a bit abrasively at each other at times. not surprisingly i do more of the "work" in the relationship and hank just kinda skates by. same goes with our home....as far as chores or maintenance, he's either "too tired" from work or just too busy in his recliner flipping the buttons off the remote. he thinks it's enough that he's here, and he'll "get to" those other things SOON.
where once i was able to tell myself that's enough....now i'm just not sure. i've given myself three months (Feb 18) to review and process and shore things up financially. with the mortgage i can't just run out the door screaming, refi is not an option as our rate is 3.75 and i can't anything near to that, much less a full point below. neither of us can afford this place and all the bills on just our own income. doesn't leave many options except to sell. BUT as we are still underwater on Loan to Value, so well...........not sure what Plan D would be....yet.
if you are not being abused or in danger and you feel your children are not suffering emotionally, then give yourself some time to sort this out in your head. get some counseling. lean on friends and family for breaks. check out your OPTIONS, think about a plan. and always, ALWAYS do what is best for YOU.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Delray Beach, Florida
Posts: 215
Originally Posted by GoesWithTheFlow 
Please don't be upset with my post, last time I gave relationship opinion to a woman that asked for it here she was upset at all of us really (not just me) for not siding with her.
The title says it a lot: I hate him.
That right there tells me that most likely the sound of his voice annoys you. If that is the case then most everything he says, helpful or not, will rub you the wrong way. You will either say something to him that he finds disrespectful or be non-verbal and finds that disrespectful. You have to remember whatever exchange you had with him also happened in front of his kids (actually I am assuming they are also his kids, not sure by your post if he is their dad).
I am not saying he was right in calling you names. There was a better way to communicate with you as you guys were walking out the door: "You know I really was just trying to be helpful to you. I felt upset when you shrugged me off inside. If you don't want me to come around on these shopping trips let me know." Saying your wakco just express his own frustration but doesn't really lead to anything positive.
Even if he said something like I the above, it may still have rubbed you the wrong way because you hate him. Everything he says will come out wrong to you and arguments or uncomfortable exchanges will happen again.
If you really want to work it out then really try to get the hate out. If you are done then just be done. In the middle is just hard on everyone involved.
The title says it a lot: I hate him.
That right there tells me that most likely the sound of his voice annoys you. If that is the case then most everything he says, helpful or not, will rub you the wrong way. You will either say something to him that he finds disrespectful or be non-verbal and finds that disrespectful. You have to remember whatever exchange you had with him also happened in front of his kids (actually I am assuming they are also his kids, not sure by your post if he is their dad).
I am not saying he was right in calling you names. There was a better way to communicate with you as you guys were walking out the door: "You know I really was just trying to be helpful to you. I felt upset when you shrugged me off inside. If you don't want me to come around on these shopping trips let me know." Saying your wakco just express his own frustration but doesn't really lead to anything positive.
Even if he said something like I the above, it may still have rubbed you the wrong way because you hate him. Everything he says will come out wrong to you and arguments or uncomfortable exchanges will happen again.
If you really want to work it out then really try to get the hate out. If you are done then just be done. In the middle is just hard on everyone involved.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Delray Beach, Florida
Posts: 215
Originally Posted by Ann
I agree with the above poster, I don't think what he said as you walked out the door is the problem, I think it is a symptom of a much larger problem that includes the inability for each of you to communicate responsibly and with kindness.
I would be hurt if I was you too, and I agree this whole situation is unhealthy for the kids.
Would he consider counseling with you, or each alone?
Living as you are is unhealthy and toxic for everyone, him, you and the kids. I hope you find a solution soon.
Hugs
I would be hurt if I was you too, and I agree this whole situation is unhealthy for the kids.
Would he consider counseling with you, or each alone?
Living as you are is unhealthy and toxic for everyone, him, you and the kids. I hope you find a solution soon.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: LBC, CA
Posts: 203
Originally Posted by mamaof3boyz
Yes I get it.....when things are bad, resentment is full, anger, hurt etc....Everything he does annoys me. I completely understand and I am trying to keep it in check. I realize I have own issues I need to sort through...I may be on edge, I get defensive and I also get into that mode of protecting myself because I do not want to be controlled. I welcome all points of view because it can only help me. It can open my eyes to things that I can't see but others can. I still think it was a jerk move for him to call me Nuts and a Wacko in front of my boys. And maybe I was in the wrong too but it really hurt my feelings that he would speak to me this way.
Glad you reason with differing viewpoints I also think they may be helpful when I may not see something because I am biased on an issue.
My belief is that it takes two to make or break a relationship. Usually, both are at fault somewhere along the way for the fall of a relationship.
I just spent a couple hours talking with my gf of 14 years about some disagreements we are having. Not yelling, but really discussing issues; we ended up with hugs and kisses.
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Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Delray Beach, Florida
Posts: 215
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
has he found a JOB yet? is there any reason that since he had ideas for the grocery list that HE didn't go shopping OR go shopping WITH you?
negativity breeds more negativity......resentment tends to fester and grow.....and it changes how we view things.....it becomes our filter and then almost anything "they" do runs thru that negative filter. that is neither right or wrong, it's just the nature of the beast when things have gone awry in a relationship.
try as best you can as to reel your stuff back in a bit, so that you can just OBSERVE your (r)AH objectively.....is he someone you really even LIKE or RESPECT? are the people you two are TODAY really compatible? is this really where you want to be?
i've been doing some of this lately in my own situation......we're at a bit of a crossroads and i am not 100% sure this is where i want to be. the people that we have grown into today rub a bit abrasively at each other at times. not surprisingly i do more of the "work" in the relationship and hank just kinda skates by. same goes with our home....as far as chores or maintenance, he's either "too tired" from work or just too busy in his recliner flipping the buttons off the remote. he thinks it's enough that he's here, and he'll "get to" those other things SOON.
where once i was able to tell myself that's enough....now i'm just not sure. i've given myself three months (Feb 18) to review and process and shore things up financially. with the mortgage i can't just run out the door screaming, refi is not an option as our rate is 3.75 and i can't anything near to that, much less a full point below. neither of us can afford this place and all the bills on just our own income. doesn't leave many options except to sell. BUT as we are still underwater on Loan to Value, so well...........not sure what Plan D would be....yet.
if you are not being abused or in danger and you feel your children are not suffering emotionally, then give yourself some time to sort this out in your head. get some counseling. lean on friends and family for breaks. check out your OPTIONS, think about a plan. and always, ALWAYS do what is best for YOU.
negativity breeds more negativity......resentment tends to fester and grow.....and it changes how we view things.....it becomes our filter and then almost anything "they" do runs thru that negative filter. that is neither right or wrong, it's just the nature of the beast when things have gone awry in a relationship.
try as best you can as to reel your stuff back in a bit, so that you can just OBSERVE your (r)AH objectively.....is he someone you really even LIKE or RESPECT? are the people you two are TODAY really compatible? is this really where you want to be?
i've been doing some of this lately in my own situation......we're at a bit of a crossroads and i am not 100% sure this is where i want to be. the people that we have grown into today rub a bit abrasively at each other at times. not surprisingly i do more of the "work" in the relationship and hank just kinda skates by. same goes with our home....as far as chores or maintenance, he's either "too tired" from work or just too busy in his recliner flipping the buttons off the remote. he thinks it's enough that he's here, and he'll "get to" those other things SOON.
where once i was able to tell myself that's enough....now i'm just not sure. i've given myself three months (Feb 18) to review and process and shore things up financially. with the mortgage i can't just run out the door screaming, refi is not an option as our rate is 3.75 and i can't anything near to that, much less a full point below. neither of us can afford this place and all the bills on just our own income. doesn't leave many options except to sell. BUT as we are still underwater on Loan to Value, so well...........not sure what Plan D would be....yet.
if you are not being abused or in danger and you feel your children are not suffering emotionally, then give yourself some time to sort this out in your head. get some counseling. lean on friends and family for breaks. check out your OPTIONS, think about a plan. and always, ALWAYS do what is best for YOU.
He doesn't lift a finger to clean up around the house. No motivation or pride in the way the house looks. Drives me crazy. I don't know what he does all day and I'm not about to keep track.
Sometimes I don't know if I'm being overly sensitive or if I'm the one with the problem. I'm so frustrated I feel like I'm going to break. Seems lately I'm doing everything wrong in his eyes. Like I said maybe I'm just being overly sensitive. Feels like if I don't do something to his,satisfaction he has to call me on it.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
You are right, it is bad behavior, and a form of abuse. My X usto do that to me ALL THE TIME. He still talks about me, it's just not to me, and I could not care less what he thinks.
It takes a lot to get there, but you will come to a place that you are just done.
It takes a lot to get there, but you will come to a place that you are just done.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Delray Beach, Florida
Posts: 215
Originally Posted by hopeful4
You are right, it is bad behavior, and a form of abuse. My X usto do that to me ALL THE TIME. He still talks about me, it's just not to me, and I could not care less what he thinks.
It takes a lot to get there, but you will come to a place that you are just done.
It takes a lot to get there, but you will come to a place that you are just done.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Hello. Oh goodness, it took me YEARS to finally come to the decision to leave. I could see my children getting worse from the outcome of the verbal abuse, and they were even getting frustrated with me for not taking enough action. I kept thinking that I was doing the right thing by them having two parents in the same home. Ha. Eventually I just knew...enough was enough.
My X is still abusing Rx drugs w/alcohol and is a train wreck. Life is not perfect by any means, my children are still exposed to him infrequently, and are hurt by his all consuming crappy behavior. However, this made 90% of their life better versus being exposed to him on a daily basis.
I am happy with the decision I made. In hindsight, I would have decided to do it a lot earlier than I did, but I cannot change that, I just keep moving forward, a step at a time.
Many, many hugs to you.
My X is still abusing Rx drugs w/alcohol and is a train wreck. Life is not perfect by any means, my children are still exposed to him infrequently, and are hurt by his all consuming crappy behavior. However, this made 90% of their life better versus being exposed to him on a daily basis.
I am happy with the decision I made. In hindsight, I would have decided to do it a lot earlier than I did, but I cannot change that, I just keep moving forward, a step at a time.
Many, many hugs to you.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
When a man verbally abuses the mother of his children in front of those children, that is indicative of character issues that go beyond addiction issues.
And it is worth remembering you do not need permission to do what is best for you and your kids when confronted with such a person.
And it is worth remembering you do not need permission to do what is best for you and your kids when confronted with such a person.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 2,684
I understand your pain, the hurt you feel.
My husband calls me the nasty and/or profane names when we are in disagreement and it does hurt and he knows it.
Anyway, it's a control thing, his problem, not mine. Looking at it that way helps me to deflect the verbal barbs before they hook me.
What GoesWithTheFlow shared made me think, too. I agree that it is helpful to look at the bigger picture.
My husband calls me the nasty and/or profane names when we are in disagreement and it does hurt and he knows it.
Anyway, it's a control thing, his problem, not mine. Looking at it that way helps me to deflect the verbal barbs before they hook me.
What GoesWithTheFlow shared made me think, too. I agree that it is helpful to look at the bigger picture.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 574
Originally Posted by zoso77
When a man verbally abuses the mother of his children in front of those children, that is indicative of character issues that go beyond addiction issues.
And it is worth remembering you do not need permission to do what is best for you and your kids when confronted with such a person.
And it is worth remembering you do not need permission to do what is best for you and your kids when confronted with such a person.
Children learn from example - they need to see what is NOT acceptable. Calling names puts us in a cycle. Addicts use language to keep you in a wounded state. They can throw you any crumb and you will be grateful. You are the only person you can change.
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