saw1978

I originally visited this site to find out what the rule of thumb would be and what to expect if I felt the need to request that my husband a recovering addict take an at home drug test, due to his change in behavior. I have read a lot of the threads and I find that it will ultimately be a lose lose. But my question is on the behalf of the family and my (our) ability to remain supportive rather them suspicious. I can completely understand the let down and anger that the RA would feel at this request but after years in my case battling this disease with him the mistrust that has become the norm with my husband and the lies that overlapped other lies. I find myself feeling as though my own concern and doubt will always be over shadowed by his right to be offended... I have myself and 2 children to worry about and right now I have made sure that he has only himself to worry about so he can focus on his recovery. His behavior has changed lately and I am at a loss. How do I help & protect us all without always ending up the "bad guy"...?

zoso77

Your thinking is boxing you in unnecessarily. By your own admission, you've been dealing with this for years. And it's important to note that's a choice you made for whatever reasons you had.

I encourage you to think outside of that box and simply make decisions based on what is best for you and your two children. If doing so makes you look like the bad guy, that's not your problem...

hopepraylove

"What anyone thinks of me is none of my business."

Do what is best for you and your children.

Ann

I agree with Zoso, particularly because of the children you have every right to ensure that active addiction does not live at your house.

A person who has been an active addict for years and not yet earned back the trust that comes after years of being and acting clean, taking a test periodically should be accepted as a reasonable request.

That said, I always felt that testing was an indignity to both the tester and tested. For me, if my instincts told me something was wrong, I could trust that it probably was.

Whatever you choose, good luck and prayer out for you and your children.

Hugs

saw1978

Thank you, I appreciate all of your kind words!! I guess right now I'm just reeling from all that has recently gone on. Although this has been a battle that has gone on for some time this is my first experience with him going to a detox facility. Probably because it took years for him to progress to the heroin addict he became. I feel lost and alone. How do I anticipate or support recovery the right way when my husband the recovering Heroin/Pill addict feels so much pain from the physical issues that are present. He went to detox for one week. Came home and recovered for the next 1-2 wks and then once withdrawal side affects went decreased he has now been to the ER 2 times in the middle of the night when i couldn't go with him ( because we have a 4yr old and a 16 yr old) for help to stop the pain in his knees and back.... 1st visit he was given ambien to help him sleep and a dose of steroids which he has not filled... the last visit (2 days later) they gave him (6) 5mg percocets w/tylenol. He filled those before I even knew he was prescribed them. This has all happened in less then 1 month from the day he left for detox.... He went to one meeting and never returned and has rejected the D&A counselors suggestion that he enter intense outpatient rehab.... I feel he is avoiding any and all places that will tell him he can not use at all even with his bad knees and back..... Feeling Destined to repeat the past on the ride that only goes in circles.... I am Sorry, I want to be positive, I just don't know how. The percocets ran out yesterday. Regardless of the fact he never should have been taking them.... He said he told the ER doctor of his problem but I don't see how that is possible.... I plan to attend the local al anon meeting later this evening. But I cant help but think I already know what I should be doing. My kids are my life and my heart and soul. My husband has to at least want to be clean. I don't think he does. I think he wants a doctor to give him the reassurance that he needs pain meds to survive each day since he has 2 bad knees and a bad back at 40.... I lost my brother 11 years ago to a drug overdose. How do I put my kids through this with their dad. And how do I put my 16yr old through it again... I'm just so lost....
Hoping for some recovery/relapse tools because I am at a loss for how to support him at all. I am only told by him that I don't understand and I don't know how he feels....

zoso77

Well, the short answer is you don't. Your thinking is colored by the belief you have an obligation to tolerance your AH's behavior as his wife. The problem with that thinking is it's asymmetric; you may feel an obligation towards him, but he sure as hell doesn't feel one towards you or the kids. How can he when he's numbing himself with opiates? No, the only thing that matters to him is maintaining the bliss of numbness when he's under the influence. Consequences be damned.

Most times doing the right thing carries a cost. That's just the way it goes. It may not be fair, but it is what it is. So if you want to do right by yourself and your kids, then make decisions that are in your collective best interests.

incitingsilence

There is no way to anticipate his recovery. It isn’t yours to anticipate.
And support, well supporting is easy if you change the way you view that word. Support by leaving him to take care of himself. Support by keeping good thoughts for him and by seeing him as capable. Other than that there is nothing you need to do for him.

The pain well that will be a separate issue from the addiction. He will need to get help in treating each separately, yet together.

And sadly in this moment he isn’t going to be able to assess his true pain because he just kicked. He will have to wait and not use 6 months to a year atleast to truly get an idea of what his true pain level is (many find their pain isn’t as bad the longer they don’t use). The drugs messed that all up. The drugs are gonna use that pain to get him to go back out now, amplify it over and over… Another issues will be limitations, taking care of himself, committing to whatever the doctor put into place as lifestyles changes to help him better handle his pain.

He will have to become an advocate for himself. Not just allow doctors to take an easy route and write a script but ask for alternative non-addictive meds, surgeries, treatments, PT, cortisone type shots, tens units… whatever. There are options, he just has to ask the right questions and not just think a script will fix the issue because it many cases it doesn’t it just masks…

And even with real pain issues he doesn’t get any special treatment or excuse to use because of it … especially if/when he gets advice on what to do to alleviate or treat it and he doesn’t follow what he is told. I have dealt with this with my husband who I flat out told not lie to himself, he isn’t using heroin because of pain, no matter how bad his issues are, he is using heroin because he loves the high and loved it way before he had any pain issues.

You know when you want to drug test him.
Well if he is getting healthy it will be that obvious.

Oh and the drug testing, when you feel the need, just remember if you feel that then most likely he used. You probably don’t need the test to tell you that. Trust your instincts, believe what you see. Addiction is so obvious and so is recovery.

I am sure you are overwhelmed. I know I was in the beginning, there was so much to learn.

If he wants recovery he will DO, not try whatever he can. He will seek out support for himself in every area of concern. This is like dial diagnosis, except it is pain and addiction, not mental illness and addiction. There are support groups local. If you are near philly ( not sure if they are all over PA) rehab after work is a great place and they have, or had anyway ( on my side of the river) when my husband went a group of recovering addicts who met that all had issues with pain cause by accidents or disease who were also addicts. So the support for him is out there. He is surely a big boy and able to find himself some help.

I am so sorry you lost your brother to an OD. Please seek out all the help and support you can find. And find recovery tools for you.

You do not at all have to put your children through any of this. You really aren’t supposed to, but then I know that it isn’t always so cut and dry.

Take good care of yourself.

cynical one

I think this is a good indicator of whether or not he's wanting to actually relieve his pain or if he's drug seeking.

saw1978

incitingsilence, I am beyond grateful for your words!!!! They are truly just what I needed to hear!!! Factual and supportive and honest!!! This area of gray madness that exists in the realization of what his real true pain is... and not what his heroin use has inflicted upon him to compound it, will be our greatest struggle and I hope his biggest victory. THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart!! Thank you!!! I hope that you are surrounded with love and support as you walk this journey with your husband! I will be keeping you in my prayers! Thank you as well for your end quote! A Peek into my truest self!
Thank you!

incitingsilence

The gray area. If he is serious and wants this he will find a way to navigate that grey area. He will seek out help, he will set up safety nets and a support system. He will be honest about his addiction to doctors and yet you can’t assign it as something bad if he isn’t. It is his choices and the consequence of his choices will be lessons that will teach him. This will be His greatest struggle yours will be different.

Do you have a support system? Do you have boundaries in place to protect yourself? Do you have a plan A, B, and C that will give you the best of chances and keep your life peaceful?

My husband and I walked very separate journeys once we stopped playing the game.

It probably isn’t good that you can relate to signature line. Although that could be a starting point for you to gain insight into yourself. That is where all the answer you need are, within you.

Thankfully I was so lucky to have such an awesome group of woman and men who loved, pushed and kicked me through the insanity. I hope you find that as well.

saw1978

I am truly hoping and praying for his daily success and I am slowly realizing that he is not a caged animal & that he has to be given the room to make his own decisions and make his own mistakes. I have a good support system and I think that his support system is just as much here for him as they are for me since I am the primary everything our kids and they love them very much, but your right it is a very separate journey. What I have to do and what he has to do are completely different. I find that just finding the right words to express and protect myself a big challenge but I also feel that prayer for the right words has come through for me as well. Your right the end quote isn't what you want to relate to but I can or I did... Much of his addiction was easier to allow because he was so mean and awful without it. That was my own fear standing in the way of holding him to any standard at all. I wish I was able to let go of the fear I have but at the same time that fear now keeps me very aware of his behavior. I just need to learn not to pounce without reason. As far as back up plans I don't know that I really have one except that if he uses he goes. If that happens it will be up to his support system to take him at that point. My sons are too fragile to go several rounds so all I know is, that is not an option.
Thank you for reminding me of the things I need to do as well as the fact that I can't control what his choices are. Only he can set himself up for failure or success. I have to stop owning it all. Or trying to control it all!
Thank you again for your wise words, I take so much from them!

Thanks!!
Sarah

saw1978

I have been thinking so much about your end quote and your right it probably isn't good that I can relate so easily to it, but it has made me realize something about myself that I didn't see before. I see now As it reads it can easily be connected with what addiction is. But I didn't for some reason read it that way. I read it as if it were me describing "my" Addict... and the reason why I allowed it (him using) to go on for so long... Not that he had my permission per say but I had lost my inner fight, along the way... I excused what was going on to hide the ugliness of its reality.... ( crazy!!!) yet So amazing how only a few sentences can tell you so much about yourself and give you such insight.
Thanks again

incitingsilence

There is a saying …
Change the way you look at things and the things you look at change.

So when you stop seeing a person as helpless and with pity you then can see then as capable and competent.

And when you stop defining everything as the drug/addiction/addict you see the real person and that this is just who they are NOW. Then you are not chained to the present in memories of the past.

And when you don’t take it personal and as something being done to you, you can begin to look at what you allowed and then even more importantly why you allowed.

And those lines are subject to interpretation and you know what the interpretation will change.

You were my reckless abandon, the cage that captured my fear (my husband and even some close friends and not at all in a bad way)

My permission, to keep fortifying the veneer (totally about fear, and how fear limits and helps us build walls inside and out)

An empty place I wouldn’t admit (denial, I have yet to meet anything that is as empty as denial)

A darkness that I’d rather permit (using drugs, alcohol and also writing)

And I can’t say that those lines meant exactly the same when I wrote them or if I would see them as I did above years from now. And this is how it is supposed to be. Our view changes based on life experiences and learning and with learning it is what we learn about ourselves as well. Each tiny change in the view then rocks everything and more learning and change occurs…

saw1978

So Very Right! When we cage ourselves we cage our way of thinking and viewing things!
I want to be able to change my way of thinking so that I can be supportive, optimistic and protective of myself at the same time.... Stronger all the way around.
I hate being a victim so I have to stop seeing myself as one!!

Your kind and insightful and very helpful!