New here but not to addiction
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 2
New here but not to addiction
I don't know why I continue to think any addict can really be in a relationship...
My back story.... I fell in love in college in time he fell in love with crack... Went to rehab was clean we got married he was clean about 3 years before he decided to take a drink one night..... Which eventually spiraled into daily and other substances.... I couldn't take it anymore and left.... I filed for divorce and knew I deserved better. We had off and on friendship for the last 5 years since the divorce but since he started using meth I just couldn't even be his friend....
So I moved on and dated someone who got addicted after being given roxy from the dr.... The first breakup he left when I had my cancer/thyroid removed... Literally packed his bags and left while I was in the hospital... He started having relations with my ex sis in law.... Nine months later he came begging me back... Swearing it would be different.... Now 6 months later he has shown his true colors he loves pills.... He has lied and been verbally abusive. I know that's not him but at the same time I can't just stop loving him. He moved out 2 weeks ago. I'm heartbroken.... He has tried to convince me he is going to be clean and stay clean but can't wait on me to know that it's true. He told me he doesn't love me.... He is on my phone plan and won't even talk about a resolution for it.... He owes my mother some money and says he will pay.... I don't even know... I feel horrible Bc I'm the only reason he owes her anything....
How can I just let him go? I do love him and I know he can be a great guy when he is sober... Can trust ever be regained?? Is it better for me to just be heartbroken and move on??
My back story.... I fell in love in college in time he fell in love with crack... Went to rehab was clean we got married he was clean about 3 years before he decided to take a drink one night..... Which eventually spiraled into daily and other substances.... I couldn't take it anymore and left.... I filed for divorce and knew I deserved better. We had off and on friendship for the last 5 years since the divorce but since he started using meth I just couldn't even be his friend....
So I moved on and dated someone who got addicted after being given roxy from the dr.... The first breakup he left when I had my cancer/thyroid removed... Literally packed his bags and left while I was in the hospital... He started having relations with my ex sis in law.... Nine months later he came begging me back... Swearing it would be different.... Now 6 months later he has shown his true colors he loves pills.... He has lied and been verbally abusive. I know that's not him but at the same time I can't just stop loving him. He moved out 2 weeks ago. I'm heartbroken.... He has tried to convince me he is going to be clean and stay clean but can't wait on me to know that it's true. He told me he doesn't love me.... He is on my phone plan and won't even talk about a resolution for it.... He owes my mother some money and says he will pay.... I don't even know... I feel horrible Bc I'm the only reason he owes her anything....
How can I just let him go? I do love him and I know he can be a great guy when he is sober... Can trust ever be regained?? Is it better for me to just be heartbroken and move on??
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Brokenhearted, when someone shows you who they are, believe them.
Personally I feel you deserve someone that does not abandon you when you are in the hospital, lie to you, verbally abuse you and tell you he does not love you.
Instead of worrying about whether or not you can ever learn to trust him again, consider asking yourself why you choose to pour so much emotional energy into someone who treats you so thoughtlessly and disrespectfully.
I'm so sorry you are here and hurting. It's time to break the pattern of giving to people who are not capable of giving anything back.
Personally I feel you deserve someone that does not abandon you when you are in the hospital, lie to you, verbally abuse you and tell you he does not love you.
Instead of worrying about whether or not you can ever learn to trust him again, consider asking yourself why you choose to pour so much emotional energy into someone who treats you so thoughtlessly and disrespectfully.
I'm so sorry you are here and hurting. It's time to break the pattern of giving to people who are not capable of giving anything back.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 1,405
Originally Posted by BroknheartednVA 
I know that's not him...
Originally Posted by BroknheartednVA
...but can't wait on me to know that it's true.
Originally Posted by BroknheartednVA
He owes my mother some money and says he will pay.... I don't even know... I feel horrible Bc I'm the only reason he owes her anything....
Originally Posted by BroknheartednVA
Is it better for me to just be heartbroken and move on??
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
fool me once, shame on you
fool me twice, shame on me
Dear One, let me ask you this, why would you WANT to give your trust to this man for the third time, after all he has done so far? He has shown you repeatedly who he IS....he's a liar and a thief and a drug addict, he bails when things get tough, he doesn't pay his debts and now he says he doesn't love you.
get him off your phone plan and start getting him out of your heart. assume you will NEVER see the money he owes your mother. change the locks, block all contact and move on.
don't you think addiction has taken enough already?
fool me twice, shame on me
Dear One, let me ask you this, why would you WANT to give your trust to this man for the third time, after all he has done so far? He has shown you repeatedly who he IS....he's a liar and a thief and a drug addict, he bails when things get tough, he doesn't pay his debts and now he says he doesn't love you.
get him off your phone plan and start getting him out of your heart. assume you will NEVER see the money he owes your mother. change the locks, block all contact and move on.
don't you think addiction has taken enough already?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 5
A couple of things you said really resonated with me.
The first is that he left you while you were in the hospital with cancer. This is absolutely unacceptable for any significant other to do, addict or not. That decision was selfish,as addicts typically are. You deserve someone who is going to be there for you during your hard times, even if they coincide with theirs.
The second thing is that he owes your mother money. My ex was an alcoholic and very early on in our relationship his truck was repossessed. It became an inconvenience for me to have to take him to or pick him up from work so my parents offered to help him out the down payment on a new vehicle. That truck was also repossessed and they helped him get it back (not wanting the money they had already spent to be for naught). He was on a plan to pay them back $200 every week. 8 months later, our relationship ended and my parents haven't seen a dime since. He currently still owes them about $3000 which I have had to accept they will never see. But this was not my fault, no more than yours owing your mother money is your fault. They accepted financial help and they are the ones responsible for doing the right thing and paying them back. And the fact that they aren't is pure disrespect. Not just to you, but to your family.
I'm telling you this because the bottom line is you deserve better. We all do. I can't tell you what the best option is for you because ultimately you're the one who has to be okay with your decision. But I can tell you it will get easier. The guilt will go away if you let it. And please, please do not stay with someone simply because you're afraid of the large scope of consequences if you leave. Their addictions are their problems, not yours.
I hope this helps.
The fact that these are
The first is that he left you while you were in the hospital with cancer. This is absolutely unacceptable for any significant other to do, addict or not. That decision was selfish,as addicts typically are. You deserve someone who is going to be there for you during your hard times, even if they coincide with theirs.
The second thing is that he owes your mother money. My ex was an alcoholic and very early on in our relationship his truck was repossessed. It became an inconvenience for me to have to take him to or pick him up from work so my parents offered to help him out the down payment on a new vehicle. That truck was also repossessed and they helped him get it back (not wanting the money they had already spent to be for naught). He was on a plan to pay them back $200 every week. 8 months later, our relationship ended and my parents haven't seen a dime since. He currently still owes them about $3000 which I have had to accept they will never see. But this was not my fault, no more than yours owing your mother money is your fault. They accepted financial help and they are the ones responsible for doing the right thing and paying them back. And the fact that they aren't is pure disrespect. Not just to you, but to your family.
I'm telling you this because the bottom line is you deserve better. We all do. I can't tell you what the best option is for you because ultimately you're the one who has to be okay with your decision. But I can tell you it will get easier. The guilt will go away if you let it. And please, please do not stay with someone simply because you're afraid of the large scope of consequences if you leave. Their addictions are their problems, not yours.
I hope this helps.
The fact that these are
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: CA
Posts: 4
I know how you feel. I am kinda where you are at. When my husband is sober he is awesome. So I stayed. And today I went to pick him up from rehab to find out he got ahold of something he shouldn't have and was incoherent by time I got there. I don't want to tell you there's no hope because there is, but it's for you and not him. I hope you make choices for yourself. What will make you happy? What do you want in life? Those are questions I'm asking myself too. I love my husband after he's done me wrong time and time again but loving him doesn't make him sober. It sucks. It hurts to make choices that don't involve him and my heart is completely broken. But I can't live life for someone else. I hope you don't either. You are worth someones time and attention.
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