nytepassion

*
Good plan. If you are seeing behavior from the past and you are feeling in your core that something is not right then you already know what's up. You are just trying to give him the benefit of doubt. I've been there before.

Something inside keeps hoping things will change. You are holding on to the potential you see in him. I've done that too.

It is hard when we love someone to just let go. But when the truth stares you in the face and sticks it's tongue out at you. It is time to step back and re-evaluate the situation.

His old behavior is at large and he is hanging with a guy he was known to use with at place they use. That right there does not mirror recovery.

Recovery looks the opposite because we know we can't hang around people who use and if we are trying to protect our recovery we run in the other direction. With recovery everything is different and when we're serious we are different. You would see that difference daily all day.

If he hasn't used he will use because he is an addict putting himself in dangerous places.

I would drug test him like you plan to (don't give him a heads up, make it spur of the moment, surprise test) if he gives you the speel about, you don't trust me and turns the table on your trust issues and refuses to test then he's dirty. Don't buy onto the guilt trips he might try and lay on you. It's a stall tactic and is only meant to avoid taking the test and the verbal beating is meant to mold, fashion and shape you into the image of the person he needs you to be so he can continue to have you and his drugs too.

Addiction is an ugly beast and it is vile. Love can't fix it. Begging, pleading, barganing, yelling, screaming, crying, rationalizing, compromising, getting angry, being sad, depressed or sullen, no emotion can reckon with it. Fighting for him, over him or because of him doesn't matter because what it all boils down to is him and what he wants to do and if he isn't at a place of true recovery then he wI'll continue to get high no matter what.

This is his battle and it belongs to him. You can fight it for him. How do I know? Because I am an addict. I am not active in my addiction. I am clean. I know what BS looks like and I know what true hearted recovery looks like. I have also been the one who saw potential in my addicted loved one and I ran the gamut of trying to love him through his addiction only to find all the love in the world could not save him* and his addiction left me no other alternative then to take our kids and leave.

I recommend you read all about his drug of choice and the behavior that stems from its use. Read about codependency, enabling and detaching with love. These will be your life-line as you go forth. Also stick around here and reach out. You will always find a helping hand that will reach back.

Hugs

Passion
Recovering addict

Blue21

Hi guys

Tested him last night. He made the biggest scene he has ever made. Like big big big. Called me all kinds of horrible things because i dont trust him. Then he did the tests and all the lines showed that the test was invalid... so i dont know...

JimC60

....."Then he did the tests and all the lines showed that the test was invalid... "

Any idea what would have caused that? I am not familiar with home drug tests so have no idea what would cause that to happen.

My speculation says that you were not testing urine...and the test knew that .... hence the test showed an invalid result.

I used to be randomly tested by the Dept. of Transportation because I was the captain of a tour boat - one of the things they tested for was the presence of a particular enzyme which told them they were actually testing human urine.

Jim

ladyscribbler

What was the purpose of testing him? Did you have a specific boundary in mind if the test showed positive? Is this how you want to spend your life, being a nursemaid, warden and emotional punching bag for this man?
You don't have to wait for a "smoking gun" like a positive drug test to make a healthy decision for your life and your future.

cynical one

Is this acceptable behavior under ANY circumstances?

zoso77

So what's the worst thing that can happen if you decide enough is enough?

atalose

If his behavior is like it was in the past when he was using – and if your gut was telling you not to trust him – why did you feel the need for “proof” by means of a drug test?

Once you have proof – then what is your plan?

Aside from the test being invalid – mouthwash, cleaning products, whatever he may have used to alter the control line the fact he…..

Called you all kinds of names and made a big big big scene………..should be shouting to you that this is NOT the behavior of anyone in recovery!!!!!

A person in recovery would be trying to ease your suspicions and build trust again and would not have acted as he acted.

What exactly about this guy is it that you love so much that you are willing to sell your soul and emotional wellbeing and future for - when he isn’t even able to treat you with any respect?

Wishful04

In my journey the time I spent in denial or in a sense lying to myself, bargaining are some of what I regret most.

I would get all worked up about each and every lie, deception, affair, binge etc....when really in the end it boiled down to me not doing/avoiding the work I needed to do on my end to have and live by my own boundaries. Still a work in progress.

I've been there...wanting concrete proof. So a test...then it's invalid...or it's failed ...or it's passed ... Then we question every anyway - invalid because? Failed , but could it be wrong, passed- is there a way to cheat the test. It can be a viscious circle.

In the end invalid test aside....the focus may best be on the behaviour/communication and how you feel and are allowing yourself to be treated.

hopepraylove

all the test lines were invalid? Sounds like he may have tampered with it or used synthetic urine.

Blue21

Have not decided what to do yet. But had a big fight last night. I fight i dont even understand. Lol. We have friends, a couple. The girl is kinda my best friend and the guy used to be his best friend. He was mad at me one day and screamed at me and the guy (his ex best friend) saw it and since then their friendship has not been the same. Anyways, yesterday she asked me to be her maid of honour. But he was not asked to be the best man. Although we are both invited to the wedding. Last night he was screaming at me because apparently by considering to say yes to be my friend's maid of honour i am backstabbing him. Because apparently, he is not best man because their friendship isnt what it used to be - apparently thats my fault.

Like i said i dont even understand why we were fighting... i cannot see what his problem is.... anyway he got really agressive... was throwing things around and stuff... kinda scared me. :-/

Vale

Like buying lottery tickets for a living. Could you strike it rich?

Yes.

You could even do so buying the first lottery ticket of your life.

Some people make a good living at the lottery. Admins, support
staff, that cutie that takes the ping pong balls out of the
(whatever you call that rotating thing).

Promise of a big payout. Winning from behind with a diamond
in the rough that magically transforms from felon to fantastic.

We've all been there. That's why we are here.

Trust?

Trust and addict don't belong in the same dictionary,

or the same language,

or the same planet.

atalose

And this is the guy you have been dating for a bit more then a year!!

WHY?

What exactly are YOU getting out of this toxic relationship?

ladyscribbler

Like i said i dont even understand why we were fighting... i cannot see what his problem is.... anyway he got really agressive... was throwing things around and stuff... kinda scared me. :-/

You were fighting because he wanted to. He's an abuser. This is part of the pattern. One of the ways he stays in control is by keeping you off balance. His abusive behavior is a separate issue from the drug use. He's shown you that he's willing to use intimidation (raised voice, throwing things). This type of behavior is progressive. As you get used to a certain level of abuse, he will escalate to more extreme measures in order to keep you under control.
My ex used to behave in a very similar way. I thought he just had a temper, it was the booze to blame, PTSD, brain injury, etc. There was no end to the excuses I was willing to make so I could stay in denial about the truth of our relationship. I never thought he would be physically violent with me, until he was. By then I was so worn down and depressed from the verbal and emotional abuse that it didn't seem like that big of a deal. Of course I started making excuses for it almost as soon as it happened, and so the merry go round kept spinning. I didn't understand that those "good times" with him were just part of the larger pattern of abuse, the way to keep me hooked into the cycle.
Even when he apologized for his behavior or promised to change, it was all meaningless. He didn't have a problem with anything he was doing. His behavior got him everything he wanted. The whole household revolved around him, what he wanted, what he said, what he did. I catered to his every mood, wore myself out trying to make him happy so he wouldn't "have to" get angry or have a meltdown. He had a pretty sweet deal going, why would he have wanted anything to change?
I had to be the one to make the change for myself.

AnvilheadII

Like i said i dont even understand why we were fighting

because he is a JACKASS......a drub abuser with a bad temper. if it wasn't the wedding it would be the weather. there is NO SENSE to it, you can sit there til 2018 trying to figure it out and get no closer.

he's mean and rapidly losing control. his temper WILL GET WORSE. you can't fix this. this is not a boyfriend.....this is someone you allow to treat you like crap. that's your purpose......someone he can pick on because he is such a selfabsorbed immature twit. your fights are now the central theme....or should i say HIS outbursts.

get out now. don't wait until you are crawling towards the door while the neighbors dial 911. (been there, done that).

Vale

There is only one choice here. Either you will choose to NEVER allow yourself to be abused, or you will conjure up a magical matrix of shifting lines in the sand whose sole function it is to legitimize whatever abuse you are suffering at the moment.

Do not look to him for this guidance. If he had it he wouldn't
be abusing you.You have to look inside. Instead of looking for the reasons he is abusing you, decide now and forevermore that no 'reason' will EVER be good enough.

Then act on that decision.Easy? Hell no.

(but worth it)