secondchancex3

I am so lost right now and I would really, really appreciate any advice anyone can give me. Heres the story:
I've been with my boyfriend for a little over 3.5 years. We met our senior year of high school and have been together since then. The first two years were great! We would drink, as typical high school/college kids do, but that was it. (He didn't go to college, I went to community college before moving on to a four year school.) Things started going badly when he left his full time chef job to work with some people he knew from high school. He started using percocet 30s periodically, then every day, then multiple times a day. I experimented with them, decided I didn't like how they made me feel, a stopped. Around this time his drinking got really bad and I sort of stayed the same. Time passed, he developed a problem with percs that his family and I supported him through- he had relapsed and recovered multiple times in a span of 6 months. Then his drinking finally took its toll in september of 2014 and he fell asleep at the wheel and crashed into a building. Not harmed, but with a bac of .31. He was also in the middle of a relapse at the time, and apparently had perks in the car but got rid of them. Now I was furious and upset but thought that everyone makes mistakes, this is not a deal breaker. He went through the legal motions and was granted ARD, which was great. But over the summer he started using perks again and then moved on to heroin. I had no idea and I feel like a **** up for not knowing. His heroin use got out of control but then he "got clean" and I believed him. That is until he got arrested for od'ing in his car. He had 12 bags of heroin. He essentially blamed it on me because we had gotten in a fight that night because I didn't believe he was clean. I was out of my mind with panic when he didn't pick up the phone the next dy and when his dad asked me where he was. I thought he was dead, but he was in jail. I was in my car going to hunt down his dealers when he texted me. So that happened, I stayed with him because I didn't think it was right for me to leave just because of his addiction, like I was weak for not wanting to stay with an addict. I was in the mind set of "he can get past this, this is a bump in the road but I know he can do better than this." I was kind of getting over that second arrest, he claimed he was clean and in IOP but then last week he got arrested for another DUI, this time .28. He had the nerve to have the police drop him off at my house at 3 am. He blamed the police for pulling him over yada yada yada. All this week we've been fighting over his three arrests. He tells me I don't understand addiction, says what kind of person am I for not being able to support him, that I don't care, that I'm a hypocrite for being mad. And the cherry on top of this **** cake is I just found out he used the sunday after his arrest and this past wednesday. He lied and didn't tell me because he "didn't want to hurt me" and I ended up finding out tonight when his mom told me.
I'm just so done with everything. I feel like an awful person for wanting to break up with him, but nothing he has done in the past year has shown that he cares about me, the future, anything. I've given everything I can to him. Every single god damn thing I do, he's in the back of my mind, because I thought we had a future together and now I just don't know. And it's now clear he hasn't thought of me in well over a year. I thought I was supportive but apparently not. I want to believe he can sort this out and beat his alcoholism and drug addiction but I keep flip flopping on it. On one hand, he says he's going on some opiate and alcohol blocking drug and that will help him, but on the other hand I can't stop thinking that he'll just use or drink again when the going gets tough. I keep going over to talk to him with the intention on telling him I need a break, but it always ends with me feeling like I'm just giving up on him, that I'm a bad support and girlfriend, and that if I do leave him he'll end up killing himself with drugs. I'm just so stuck. I don't know what to do. Does it make me a horrible person for wanting to leave? I want to support him but I honestly don't see a future where I can forget the lies and the hurtful words. But feeling this is making me feel like a ****** human. I have to think of myself, I know, but it's so much more complicated than that.
Edit: he claims he only has a problem with liquour, not beer. I told him he can choose drinking or me and he said he wont promise he wont drink beer down the road. He used to drink a bottle of vodka in two nights. I don't know what he's doing now, he says he doesn't drink but I don't know if I can believe it.
I'll be 21 in a week but I feel like I'm 50 years old.
Please, any advice is needed. Thanks.

Kindeyes

The best thing my son's girlfriend did for him? She left him. I was so grateful that she decided to let him go. Why? Because she enabled him. They had the toxic relationship mix of enabler and addict. It was a dangerous dynamic for both of them.

Are you a horrible person for wanting to leave? Absolutely NOT! But he will do his best to use tools of manipulation to make you FEEL like a horrible person for wanting to leave. And if he has enabling parent(s), they may try to make you feel like a horrible person for wanting to leave him too. If you feel Fear, Obligation or Guilt (FOG) when he (or anyone else for that matter) is trying to get you to do something you don't want to do, he is employing the most effective methods of manipulation. You gave some excellent examples in your post. Using those tools will cloud your thinking (therefore the acronym "FOG") and make it difficult to make a decision that is in your best interest.

Take care of you.

SadWife7

You are so young. Let him go. You did not cause this, you can not control it, you can not cure it. Try some alanon meetings or ask a local treatment facility if they have meetings for loved ones of addicts. You have your whole life ahead of you. He had to decide he wants to be better for his sake. He's never going to be able to get clean for you, or for the kids you may have eventually. I love my husband dearly, but if I had known then what I know now, I would have walked away before we had children together. If your guy does decide to get sober, recovery is going to be part of the rest of his life. My children are potentially genetically predisposed to addiction. Addiction will play a role in the rest of my life. The things you learn when you are on this path are amazing, but that doesn't make up for the heartbreak and resentments I have to deal with now.

secondchancex3

Thank you. His mom may be an enabler? Meaning she is the one who continues to pay for his legal issues but still allows him to drink in the house and has not held firm with rehab.

secondchancex3

I feel terrible for wanting to leave because I keep thinking that maybe this will be it, maybe he'll be clean for good this time. And I don't want to be the cause of his relapse.

atalose

And there will be a 4th and 5th and 6th chance unless you break this very unhealthy thinking you have going on.

You say it’s been a year since he has really thought about you, about your feelings – well what about you? Why haven’t you thought about you? Why have you accepted so little for so long?

He said something to make you feel guilty about maybe leaving him, that’s what addicts do – they manipulate, lie, guilt, steal and they do it over and over and over again for as long as someone gives them that chance.

It really is true – that at some point it STOPS being about them and their addiction, their behaviors, their drugs, their lies, their manipulation and it becomes all about US and our why’s of why we continue to stay and tolerate such unloving hurtful behaviors.

If addiction could be cured with love and support there wouldn't be an addiction issue, there wouldn't be a need for rehabs or meetings or counseling. None of us would even be here talking about it today.

I hope you stick around and I hope you come to a better understanding of addiction and how powerless you or any of us are over it.

incitingsilence

Ask yourself …
Why do I view myself as horrible for wanting to walk away from an unhealthy relationship?

Ask yourself …
What am I getting out of this relationship?

Ask yourself …
Am I a hypocrite?

Ask yourself …
What is it about me that makes me want to give him another chance? What end result do I wish or dream for and is it even realistic.

Don’t do yourself any disservice jumping right into blame his mother for enabling. Always look at your part, what others are doing is none of your business.

This will be just as complicated as YOU make it.

zoso77

Here's a simple question: what's best for you?

SparkleKitty

His addiction will always be the only cause of his relapse. An addict will use anything as an "excuse", but addiction is always the cause.

secondchancex3

Thank you for that. I guess I already know what I want/need to do, but I wanted to hear from others who are in a similar situation.

Bekindalways

Secondchance that is a very eloquent post about codependency and addiction. Many of us here have been in a similar situation.

Several decades ago, I found out my boyfriend of 5 years was using meth. I was around 25 at the time. (He, of course, told me he would stop). It was dingdang&^%$#@! difficult but I did leave him. He told me I was being "selfish". I told him I was being exactly as selfish as I possibly could be.

This is the one time in my life that I feel I truly, actively loved another human being. At the time, he needed to be an addict and I couldn't walk that road with him. Leaving him respected his need/right/calling to be an addict. He went all the way to dealing drugs and wound up in jail for 3 years. Miraculously he did acquire sobriety in jail. I will never know for sure but my gumption to leave may have helped save his life and it certainly saved my own.

If you can at all do it, get out now if not sooner. Take care of yourself. Post here. Find a group with whom you are comfortable. Read Melody Beattie's books or someone like her.

Most of all know you are beautiful, amazing, unique, and deserving of a much better relationship. Leaving this wonderful man is a kind of super-love not practiced by wimps nor celebrated by Hallmark.

Courage and strength to you.

plastik

Honestly, I don't think even 1 chance is worth it, as heartless as that may sound, because as we all learn, even the first and second and third chances typically don't work, as much as we wanted them to.

The truth is, chances are more for us to tell ourselves we gave them a chance.

You can't let addicts blame their actions on addictions like it separates them from the consequences of their actions.

These things can be hard, but once you've distanced yourself and moved on, you will feel a huge weight lifted off your shoulders. You can do it, it's easier than you think. The only thing stopping you from leaving is you.

You might feel bad about it sometimes, but you just can't win in this regard, you will always think maybe you could have done this or that, but the truth is none of it would have changed anything, no matter how long or how many times you tried. And even if it would of, are you willing to waste possibly a decade or more trying? More likely, you'll break yourself in the meantime, rather than fix the one you're with.

You might feel like you weren't there for him in his time of need, but the truth is you can't drag yourself down for the sake of others, even if they're the closest person to you.

You have to realize you're not abandoning these people, you're not betraying them. Who they were doesn't make up for who they are, and who they were isn't a ticket that buys your time and concern for today.

thequest

Second chances should stay at SECOND chances, not third or fourth chances. Once your at the point you can break up at least once you could do it again.

The alkie/addict here is back with his ex in full although he keeps saying it's just "help". Except he abuses people along with drugs & alcohol. He's a manipulator. It's obvious that she wants to get back together and together they behave the way they did 5 years ago when they broke up. He literally just uses her for a place to stay and a car. It is no coincidence that he moved back in fulltime the same month he had to return a borrowed car. Sure enough he starts showing up in her car by himself. And she is fetching alcohol and other things for him and yet when he got his dui she couldn't wait for him to stop drinking.

When ever you deal with your soon to be ex make sure they know things will NOT be the same even though "a second chance". Set some ground rules and make sure there are mutual goals. And liquor causing the problem? No liquor probably lowers his inhibitions faster along with giving him an excuse to act the way he wants when sober.

Stay safe and you are young to start over and try & do many different things. Don't think like you are in a box.

hopepraylove

"fool me once-shame on you, fool me twice-shame on me."

"Second chances should stay at SECOND chances, not third or fourth chances."
^agreed

Wishful04

I'm almost 3 years of chances in and it doesn't get any easier.

Our choices have ripple effects....one person may be addicted to a drug, another to a person and each choice each person makes impacts 10/20 others. I know my choice to offer up endless "chances" over these past 3 years have had far reaching impacts on my friends, family, daughters, coworkers etc.

Are you able to attend any individual counselling to help you make peace with whatever choices you make?

teatreeoil007

Excellent points. Excellent questions.I was going to ask the same thing. He hasn't thought about you for a year? How do you really know that, but more importantly, why do you care? From what you have posted, he is a complete loser and you are getting your own self esteem in order. Good job. Ditch the guy. Get on with your life and heal.

Be Well

and

God Bless

CodeJob

Please read Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. It is a classic text for people who get mixed up with addicts.

When he blames stuff on you - you really need to start considering if it is true. Read up on blame shifting and gas lighting. Knowing these manipulation helps detach from some of their crazy...

secondchancex3

I do have a therapist I started seeing for unrelated reasons, I was thinking about getting her opinion but I'm afraid I'll just get a "do what you think is right" kind of answer. I just need to know if I'm doing the right thing.

doggonecarl

And what are you doing?

biminiblue

What do you mean, "The right thing?"

The right thing according to you, him, his family, your therapist, the posters in this thread?

The only one who can decide is you.

I believe you decided when you posted the first post in this thread, and now you want someone to validate you.

There is no way in Hades anyone will recommend, "Oh, honey, stayyyyyyyy," except him and his family. I don't think their opinions should really count, because if he was doing the right thing(s) for your relationship this would not have become an issue.

You already know what is best.