Will this experience scar me for life??

Old 09-03-2015, 07:49 PM
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Will this experience scar me for life??

Living with an alcoholic is the most exhausting thing I've ever done. It's so mentally and emotionally taxing. Physically in the sense I pull all the weight from yard work to dishes. But I'm scared that I'll never be able to love or trust anyone again. I've never met someone that has no regard for someone's feelings and shows complete disrespect to a woman.

I'm from the south! Not the way I was raised. My grandmother would be appalled if she knew how I was treated every minute of every day.

I want it to make me grow as a person, I've learned a lot here and in al-anon but I'm terrified of never being a "normal" person. Never being able to have a "normal" relationship because I'm going to be analyzing every move that other person makes. Does he have a drug/alcohol problem he doesn't elude to? Is he lying? Cheating? Am I not good enough for someone else? He must be crazy to want to be with me right!?

Ugh. Discouraged. I'm not saying I'm looking to replace anyone right now but I'm scared for the future. I want a family. A "normal" family one day.
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Old 09-03-2015, 08:24 PM
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Originally Posted by JustAnotherDay View Post
Living with an alcoholic is the most exhausting thing I've ever done. It's so mentally and emotionally taxing. Physically in the sense I pull all the weight from yard work to dishes. But I'm scared that I'll never be able to love or trust anyone again. I've never met someone that has no regard for someone's feelings and shows complete disrespect to a woman.

I'm from the south! Not the way I was raised. My grandmother would be appalled if she knew how I was treated every minute of every day.

I want it to make me grow as a person, I've learned a lot here and in al-anon but I'm terrified of never being a "normal" person. Never being able to have a "normal" relationship because I'm going to be analyzing every move that other person makes. Does he have a drug/alcohol problem he doesn't elude to? Is he lying? Cheating? Am I not good enough for someone else? He must be crazy to want to be with me right!?

Ugh. Discouraged. I'm not saying I'm looking to replace anyone right now but I'm scared for the future. I want a family. A "normal" family one day.
I'd say when you have the right relationship with the right person, it will all work out.

When you are in the wrong relationship with the wrong person, nothing can make that work.

You are still the same person, with the same strengths and weaknesses. This is not a judgment on you personally, but a matter if you and the other person find where you intersect and connect and stick with that.

If you have nothing in common with an alcoholic abuser, that is not going to work no matter if you are Saint Teresa or who you are!

I would stick to where you feel comfortable and unconditional.
If you already have conditions attached, that is not natural for you and you are going to be miserable, whether or not these conditions are met. That is too much work!

Stick to what is natural and work from there. Respect where your boundaries and limits are, which are necessary to make the relationship work, even if the answer is no and separation. Forcing things where they don't fit together is not going to work.

Please be kind to yourself, forgive what doesn't work, and accept what is and what is not right for you and stick with that.

Your relationships will be more successful when you can feel safe and honest about your needs, too. If they don't match up, they don't match and there is nothing to feel ashamed or bad about.

What's that AA motto from Shakespeare: To thine own self be true? So then you can't be false to anyone else? Be good to yourself equally, your needs and limits are half the equation and need to be counted.
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Old 09-03-2015, 08:58 PM
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If you're left with any scars...they just show that healing has taken place.

I feel by doing the work- we learn, we grow, and we can come through this experience much wiser and more compassionate than we were before.

I don't think we are damaged goods when it comes to future relationships. I think instead of overanalyzing, we simply see the red flags sooner if there are any. And, instead of ignoring, denying, and explaining them away- we can now trust our instincts, and make healthy decisions sooner. We learn to believe what our eyes see instead of what our ears hear. I also think that we no longer seek outside validation, what others think of us is not as important as how we feel about ourselves.

Keep working on you, try not to be discouraged...the future is as bright as you allow it to be. And, when you get frightened, ask yourself "what would I do if I wasn't scared?", and then do it.
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Old 09-04-2015, 08:31 AM
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Thank you for both of your kind words.

I really need it right now. I guess I'm just scared I've made a mistake that has changed how my life can play out. Though I know that I ultimately decide how it goes.
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Old 09-04-2015, 09:02 AM
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JAD,

"I want a family. A "normal" family one day."

I can sympathize with your feelings, but cannot lend any sage advice based on first hand experience. However, perhaps I can at least provide a brief smile for a moment.

I am the father of a 23 yo female heroin addict - she is doing great.....for now. When she was in early recovery, I was a basket case and thought about / worried for her / feared for her constantly. Her fellow users were dying at at alarming rate due to overdoses of fentanyl laced heroin in our city.

I HAD to find someone outside of my family to talk with about her or just go crazy.

As it turned out, I chose my first confidant wisely. I chose this woman based on the fact that she had a young son who "went out West" a few years ago without any real explanations as to why. As it turned out, her son "went out West" for anger management issues rather than any substance abuse problems and I found out she had been married to an alcoholic before I met her.

So my lucky choice had 1) experience with addiction, 2) had been separated from her young son for a longish period of time while he got help and 3) she also has a daughter with some mental health issues - the woman is a saint dealing with her daughter every day.

This woman has a sign in her family room - smallish, kind of funky, hand painted on wood - it says.......

"Remember, everyone else thinks this is a nice, normal family!"

I'll leave you with these words:

"I know God promises not to give me more than I can handle. I just wish he didn't trust me so much!" - Mother Teresa
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Old 09-04-2015, 10:37 AM
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Some practical suggestions:

Use paper plates and plastic forks so no dishes, eat at work at your desk when possible and don't cook when home.
If you do cook, pick a pan, use it, clean it, and put it in your car trunk or hide it so
he can't get it dirty while your away.

Buy only enough fresh food for yourself for a day and use up things in the pantry and don't replace.

I would also call the cops on him if he blows up at you and get him removed from the house--
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Old 09-04-2015, 11:01 AM
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Just another day.

I hear a lot of fear in what your wrote. You have been on these boards longer than me. I had a huge fear of abandonment that I've had as long as I can remember. It still lurks in the corners of my mind. It is very scary to walk away from a relationship if you have that fear of abandonment.

Take care of you dear one. It really isn't just another day. It is YOUR life slipping by. Carpe diem.

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Old 09-05-2015, 01:40 PM
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You ARE a normal person.

Don't you EVER let ANYONE suggest/imply/state via action

that you are NOT.
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Old 09-06-2015, 04:47 AM
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I found strength when I stopped thinking of myself as a victim. I made choices and there were consequences.

Pick yourself up, be proud of surviving and find hope in building a new today.

'Normal' is the middle of the road. An average - in between GOOD and BAD. I won't work towards 'normal' ....

I reach towards GOOD.

You can do this. Believe in yourself and be proud. Hugs, Joie
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