How has acceptance played a part in your recovery?

Old 09-01-2015, 05:06 PM
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How has acceptance played a part in your recovery?

How has acceptance played a part in your recovery (I am asking this from an alanon/narnon perspective, but all responses are welcomed) What tool did you use to get into acceptance? Steps? Prayer? Meetings? What finally helped you allow to let go of the addict/alcoholic and let them a) hit their bottom 2) do things on their own 3) leave, etc.

I'm having a difficult time with my NC/Detaching right now. I'm working my third step in my recovery, and have a hard time with "let go and let god."
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Old 09-01-2015, 07:05 PM
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acceptance is about ALLOWING the other person to be who they are EXACTLY as they are and no longer trying to change that. it has nothing to do with "letting" them hit bottom.....as if that is a certainty that we can predict.

it is also damn hard to put into action. it is in a sense a "oh i give up!" stance. for example, having nothing to do with a human addict....

wednesday is garbage day. we have three large rolling bins for garbage, recycle and yardwaste.....and a long driveway. the bins need to be rolled up the drive to the street for pickup. our American bulldog goes nuts when we do this.....she barks and snarls and tries to bite the wheels and the bin itself, EVERY time we roll the bins up to be emptied or back down after pick up. we have tried EVERYTHING to get her to STOP doing this. we've tried Ceasar Milan methods; attacking her WITH the bin; using a stern NO, leave it; moving her away from the bin and having her sit and stay; using some type of device to shoo her away from the bin.

NOTHING works. she goes right back to HER chosen behavior. she is now 6 years old.

and so you just give up and have a 125 pound snarling mass of dog chasing behind you as you drag the damn can up the drive. at least she sits on command.......

acceptance is like that. when WE realize we are NOT making a difference or an impact or CHANGING someone else's behaviors. they are who they are and they do what they do. and we are not in charge.

you could relate acceptance to weather......

acceptance means we learn how much we are NOT in charge of or in CONTROL of, or what we cannot CHANGE to suit OUR needs.

it is what is...isn't it? that is what my AA sponsor drilled into my head.
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Old 09-02-2015, 12:43 AM
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Step 1 = I can't
Step 2 = He can
Step 3 = I'll let Him.

Depending on where you are in your spirituality that can either be the big Him or a little him.

I found Step 3 to be the most humbling. It isn't so much about giving up, it's more of an ego check. As in... who am I to think I know what is best for someone else, and who the heck am I to think I am in a position to want someone to change who they are to suit my own wants and needs.

I learned to accept others as is - where is, cause if you flip it around, isn't that what we want in return? To just be accepted for who we are and not have to fake it or pretend to be someone else just to fit in, or to please?

Another thing to keep in mind is that acceptance is not the same as condoning. You have to accept that some dogs just have a bad streak...but ya don't have to like it.
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Old 09-02-2015, 04:24 AM
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" our American bulldog goes nuts when we do this.....she barks and snarls and tries to bite the wheels and the bin itself, EVERY time we roll the bins up to be emptied or back down after pick up. we have tried EVERYTHING to get her to STOP doing this. we've tried Ceasar Milan methods; attacking her WITH the bin; using a stern NO, leave it; moving her away from the bin and having her sit and stay; using some type of device to shoo her away from the bin. "

Have you ever tried praising her for staying away from the bin, e.g. when she is sitting and staying? Give her some treats as she stays away, cheer her on. Positive reinforcement of the desired behavior works. Check out Victoria Stillwell, who I consider the world's most knowledgeable dog trainer.

Same principle applies to people.
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Old 09-02-2015, 08:13 AM
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Originally Posted by alterity View Post
Same principle applies to people.
I can see where positive and negative reinforcement would work on pets or minor children. I could even stretch it out to where it may work on employees, but it would be more of a coaching session for poor behavior or a reward for performance. But, with adult loved ones, friends, family, acquaintances, & strangers...I see them as my equals and I'm certainly in no position to chastise or reward them for their behavior. Again, flip it around...how would I feel if someone thought they could reward me for acting like a good girl? Humiliated, lesser than, patronized.
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Old 09-02-2015, 12:04 PM
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I wouldn't want to live my life praising my husband for "good behavior" I don't want a child or an employee, I want a partner. I shouldn't have to shape and mold my husband. It's just too much. I have given up and I'm letting him be the mess he is because I can't help him anymore.
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Old 09-02-2015, 04:26 PM
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Anvil and Cynical One, these are just perfect descriptions of acceptance! Thank you. The thread may have gotten off track with the "training" example, but I want to get it back to your original intention, which is that when it comes to addicted loved ones, we have to accept that we are not in control of their decisions or their sobriety. This is really hard to do but these examples are useful and helpful.
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Old 09-02-2015, 04:27 PM
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Originally Posted by GardenMama View Post
Anvil and Cynical One, these are just perfect descriptions of acceptance! Thank you. The thread may have gotten off track with the "training" example, but I want to get it back to your original intention, which is that when it comes to addicted loved ones, we have to accept that we are not in control of their decisions or their sobriety. This is really hard to do but these examples are useful and helpful.
Garden Mama,
What tools did you use to come to acceptance?
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Old 09-03-2015, 07:04 AM
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Off the top of my head--the disease model of addiction. My daughter is the (recovering) addict in my life, and once I realized that I could not manage her disease--that she had to do that and choose sobriety for herself--I accepted my situation as the mother of a child suffering with the disease of addiction.

This did not mean I then enabled her disease (once I realized what enabling meant). I had to accept it as a permanent part of her, and once I did that, I felt a little more at ease. Not happy, definitely angry (at heroin, at our culture, etc.), and those two uncomfortable feelings made me take better care of myself. I learned to make healthy boundaries and painful decisions related to how her addiction impacted our family--like telling her she could not come home or contact me again until she was ready to go to treatment or was sober for several months. Off she went into the streets, a homeless addict. This was the hardest time for me but it is also when I grew the most spiritually. NarAnon meetings helped me immensely--a safe place for other parents and spouses who were walking the same journey.

Thanks for asking, HopePrayLove. It was good for me to reflect on this today. 18 months later, my RAD is back to her best self--the one I adore--and I am grateful every day she is sober. I will never forget where we've been, though, and wish you all the best in your struggles today.
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