Boyfriend is in Rehab
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 9
Boyfriend is in Rehab
My first post was about a month ago and what has happened in that past month has blown my mind. I thought my heroin addicted boyfriend was on the road to recovery on his own, but I was wrong. Turns out his addiction was way worse than just what he was telling me (go figure). I'm a little hurt by the fact he didn't tell me what was going on, but I understand why he wouldn't.
Long story short he got into some trouble with the law (cops found drugs in his car while on probation and he failed a drug test for heroin) and is now in rehab. I see him going to rehab as a blessing in disguise. He said he was already set on quitting before having to go to rehab so now this is extra reinforcement because I know its something he couldn't do on his own. I don't know how long he will be staying, I know its at least for a week but it could be up to a month. I have had absolutely no contact with him. His parents get to talk to him for 15 mins everyday and they are going to visit him tomorrow. I'm sending them a letter to give to him but I don't know if he can reply.
I now have to switch gears from dating an addict to dating a recovering addict and any advice on that would be great. I truely believe that this experience will change him especially since he is so happy to finally be getting help. Once he gets out, he will be on house arrest for a month so I'm hoping that will help push back any chances of relapse. I'm hoping he is willing to make all changes necessary to prevent falling back down this horrible path. I know everyone's thinking "get out now while you can" but if I was in his shoes, I would be absolutely devastated if my girlfriend of over 2 years gave up on me when I was determined to really make a change. So I'm going to stick it out and see how it goes. In the meantime I have started to see a counselor and have been doing a lot of researching.
Thanks to all, H
Long story short he got into some trouble with the law (cops found drugs in his car while on probation and he failed a drug test for heroin) and is now in rehab. I see him going to rehab as a blessing in disguise. He said he was already set on quitting before having to go to rehab so now this is extra reinforcement because I know its something he couldn't do on his own. I don't know how long he will be staying, I know its at least for a week but it could be up to a month. I have had absolutely no contact with him. His parents get to talk to him for 15 mins everyday and they are going to visit him tomorrow. I'm sending them a letter to give to him but I don't know if he can reply.
I now have to switch gears from dating an addict to dating a recovering addict and any advice on that would be great. I truely believe that this experience will change him especially since he is so happy to finally be getting help. Once he gets out, he will be on house arrest for a month so I'm hoping that will help push back any chances of relapse. I'm hoping he is willing to make all changes necessary to prevent falling back down this horrible path. I know everyone's thinking "get out now while you can" but if I was in his shoes, I would be absolutely devastated if my girlfriend of over 2 years gave up on me when I was determined to really make a change. So I'm going to stick it out and see how it goes. In the meantime I have started to see a counselor and have been doing a lot of researching.
Thanks to all, H
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I am glad you are getting counseling and that you came here for support.
I have never heard of a one week rehab, detoxing alone usually takes close to that long.
I really hope he does well and stays clean but the odds are that he will do what the court ordered and return to his addicted ways. Once clean, he has a choice, and even if his intentions are good it will be difficult for him to stay away from his drug of choice.
I don`t mean to be negative, he just may be the lucky one who makes it first time through, but I want to help prepare you for the hard reality of how addiction works for so many.
Stay strong yourself, continue your own support and set boundaries that you can be prepared to enforce if need be.
Hugs
I have never heard of a one week rehab, detoxing alone usually takes close to that long.
I really hope he does well and stays clean but the odds are that he will do what the court ordered and return to his addicted ways. Once clean, he has a choice, and even if his intentions are good it will be difficult for him to stay away from his drug of choice.
I don`t mean to be negative, he just may be the lucky one who makes it first time through, but I want to help prepare you for the hard reality of how addiction works for so many.
Stay strong yourself, continue your own support and set boundaries that you can be prepared to enforce if need be.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 574
each new story hits me in the stomach. That same sadness follows, when I too believed that detox would help. All the hope that I had was wrapped into that event. And the next one ... so on and so forth. Heroin doesn't let go. All the hope, love and help in the world cannot save an addict until THEY want to fight the battle for the rest of their life. To be drug free.
That is an elusive dream for most. And in their wake - lay the people who loved them. Destroyed emotionally, physically and financially. It will break your spirit if you stay.
Read everything here that you can, the stickies at the top of this forum and posts. It may begin to help you realize what you are facing. I believed my ABF would beat the odds too. He passed away in March. The pain and emptiness of today is much worse than walking away.
But his battle is over and I know he is at peace.
That is an elusive dream for most. And in their wake - lay the people who loved them. Destroyed emotionally, physically and financially. It will break your spirit if you stay.
Read everything here that you can, the stickies at the top of this forum and posts. It may begin to help you realize what you are facing. I believed my ABF would beat the odds too. He passed away in March. The pain and emptiness of today is much worse than walking away.
But his battle is over and I know he is at peace.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 51
I'm so sorry for you and your boyfriend. I absolutely believe he doesn't want to be a slave to heroin, no one does.
My husband was in court-mandated rehab for nearly a year. He got clean and didn't even drink alcohol for awhile after he got out. He was a whole new person. That's when I met him, the "recovered" addict. I didn't know about his relapse til after I was pregnant.
I never knew he could look me in the eye and flat out lie. He would (and does) do anything to protect his heroin addiction. I remember one morning when we were getting ready for work, I have him a drug test and he failed. He gave me some crazy story about why the test was wrong. I collapsed to the floor holding my big belly, sobbing "Oh my god, I'm going to be a single mom....!" He said no, no, of course you won't!
Fast forward 3.5 years.. It's a nightmare. I can't tell you how emotionally draining it is to ride the relapse/recovery rollercoaster for years on end.
It wouldn't be so hard if you didn't get hope every few months, promises to get better and change, for realz this time!!!!
I know he loves me and ADORES our baby, I know he doesn't want to move out or get a divorce. And that's why I keep believing his promises: Because they are LOGICAL. In my mind, recovery makes SO MUCH SENSE and addiction makes NO sense. He wants to get better, he doesn't want to lose everything.. so he will get better. Right???
But the harsh reality is, I can say today with 99% certainty, omg, I'm going to be a single mom.
My husband was in court-mandated rehab for nearly a year. He got clean and didn't even drink alcohol for awhile after he got out. He was a whole new person. That's when I met him, the "recovered" addict. I didn't know about his relapse til after I was pregnant.
I never knew he could look me in the eye and flat out lie. He would (and does) do anything to protect his heroin addiction. I remember one morning when we were getting ready for work, I have him a drug test and he failed. He gave me some crazy story about why the test was wrong. I collapsed to the floor holding my big belly, sobbing "Oh my god, I'm going to be a single mom....!" He said no, no, of course you won't!
Fast forward 3.5 years.. It's a nightmare. I can't tell you how emotionally draining it is to ride the relapse/recovery rollercoaster for years on end.
It wouldn't be so hard if you didn't get hope every few months, promises to get better and change, for realz this time!!!!
I know he loves me and ADORES our baby, I know he doesn't want to move out or get a divorce. And that's why I keep believing his promises: Because they are LOGICAL. In my mind, recovery makes SO MUCH SENSE and addiction makes NO sense. He wants to get better, he doesn't want to lose everything.. so he will get better. Right???
But the harsh reality is, I can say today with 99% certainty, omg, I'm going to be a single mom.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 574
if he wanted to get better ... he would have. Let him go and focus on your life and your baby. The nightmare never seems to end. You are a momma and your child needs you way more than any grown man who refuses to face his own truth. I wish I had more encouraging words but the battle you fight should not be to beg him to stay or choose recovery - but - to build a new life for you and your child.
Run, don't walk.
Run, don't walk.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Hpath,
When I read a post like this, I have to remind myself that you're a kid. And when I say this, it's not to belittle you or to marginalize what you're feeling. I'm merely pointing out the truth: you're 17 years old (give or take a year) and about to start your senior year in high school. It's because you're a kid that you're "sticking this out" even though you're heartbroken and mindblown about how your ABF was lying through his teeth about how serious his addiction issues are. One difference between me and you is I'm not surprised he was lying to you all along, because your ABF is an addict, and lying is what addicts do at any age.
At the same time, however, as you arrive at the decision to either support him or bail on him, I recognize that you have, as they say in AA, "another f**king opportunity for growth". And I don't want to rob you of that. So if your decision is to stick this out, then OK...provided, Hpath, that however this turns out, you and you alone, own the outcome of that decision.
My mentor taught me a long time ago that every decision we make has intended and unintended consequences. And time will tell what those consequences are for you.
Keep us posted.
When I read a post like this, I have to remind myself that you're a kid. And when I say this, it's not to belittle you or to marginalize what you're feeling. I'm merely pointing out the truth: you're 17 years old (give or take a year) and about to start your senior year in high school. It's because you're a kid that you're "sticking this out" even though you're heartbroken and mindblown about how your ABF was lying through his teeth about how serious his addiction issues are. One difference between me and you is I'm not surprised he was lying to you all along, because your ABF is an addict, and lying is what addicts do at any age.
At the same time, however, as you arrive at the decision to either support him or bail on him, I recognize that you have, as they say in AA, "another f**king opportunity for growth". And I don't want to rob you of that. So if your decision is to stick this out, then OK...provided, Hpath, that however this turns out, you and you alone, own the outcome of that decision.
My mentor taught me a long time ago that every decision we make has intended and unintended consequences. And time will tell what those consequences are for you.
Keep us posted.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 194
I hope you take this with the good intentions by which I mean it, but it's going to sounds very negative, especially since you probably don't want to hear it.
You seem young with your whole life ahead of you. If he's an addict now so young, he's got a long-term, life-long battle ahead of him. It will be a roller coaster; I don't care if he stays clean or not. He didn't need to wait for a court order to get clean. He could have done that at any point if he wanted to. I think he's giving you lip service and I fear you're going to be very disappointed in his choices after he gets out. He's already been lying to you.
Honey, the pain this relationship can cause you is likely going to be quite significant. How do you picture your life? Hand-holding an addict? Walking on eggshells? Always second-guessing? Losing yourself in his addiction? You've got too much ahead of you for that. It's not like you're married; tied into each other with kids or financially.
You need to really think about if you want a life-time of addiction in your future. It's likely that's what you're going to get.
You seem young with your whole life ahead of you. If he's an addict now so young, he's got a long-term, life-long battle ahead of him. It will be a roller coaster; I don't care if he stays clean or not. He didn't need to wait for a court order to get clean. He could have done that at any point if he wanted to. I think he's giving you lip service and I fear you're going to be very disappointed in his choices after he gets out. He's already been lying to you.
Honey, the pain this relationship can cause you is likely going to be quite significant. How do you picture your life? Hand-holding an addict? Walking on eggshells? Always second-guessing? Losing yourself in his addiction? You've got too much ahead of you for that. It's not like you're married; tied into each other with kids or financially.
You need to really think about if you want a life-time of addiction in your future. It's likely that's what you're going to get.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 32
Hello, I wish I would be hearing your story in different terms but sadly its because we all have loved and addict. I know you read these stories and think "that might be the typical experience, but we're different" I tried to believe that and it wasn't too soon before I started to realize that wasn't the case.
He was never just dating you, he was dating his addiction, and she always came before you. I want to tell you that he will get out of rehab and stay clean but that's not going to be the case. I've talked to many people who work/ volunteer in rehab centers and they have told me Heroin is the worse and always take multiple rehab visits before people truly get clean.
Save yourself more heartache and walk away now, because although it will hurt now you will be able to try to form a better future. Someone on the forums said something to me that has always stuck with me, "We can't love our addict back to health" I see our addicts as a cup with whole in the bottom, and no matter how much you love you pour in the cup will never be full.
Keep us posted on what you decide and I hope you are strong enough to think about yourself and not just about him. At some point you loved him more than you loved yourself and I'm sure he is not giving you the same courtesy.
He was never just dating you, he was dating his addiction, and she always came before you. I want to tell you that he will get out of rehab and stay clean but that's not going to be the case. I've talked to many people who work/ volunteer in rehab centers and they have told me Heroin is the worse and always take multiple rehab visits before people truly get clean.
Save yourself more heartache and walk away now, because although it will hurt now you will be able to try to form a better future. Someone on the forums said something to me that has always stuck with me, "We can't love our addict back to health" I see our addicts as a cup with whole in the bottom, and no matter how much you love you pour in the cup will never be full.
Keep us posted on what you decide and I hope you are strong enough to think about yourself and not just about him. At some point you loved him more than you loved yourself and I'm sure he is not giving you the same courtesy.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 58
I'm going to pile on here with everyone else. Rehab and detox isn't a cure-all, and no matter how much you try and how bad you want it for him, you also have to be prepared for the possibility that this isn't going to take. Make it very clear to him that if he wants to keep you he needs to make this work, but also be ready to walk if he can't hold up. You are going to be robbed of some very good years of your life if you are stuck fighting this battle over and over again.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 9
Thought I owed everyone an update. So my bf (actually my ex now) got out of rehab almost two weeks ago. He's doing great, he's on depression meds and a drug that blocks the urge to use. He switched schools to a highschool based out of his rehab center specially for kids going through addiction. I truely believe he's taking recovery seriously and he's decided that he can't handle recovery and a girlfriend, so we parted ways. Its a relief in a way but it still sucks. Thanks for everyone's help as I close this chapter of my life and hopefully never have to be back on this site except to give advice to others.
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