Firesong

I know it's been more than a year now. You were a really good friend to me when we met. You helped me out with some problems I was having and we enjoyed hanging out together. You were upfront with me telling me about your drug use. I did my best to help you out when you tried to quit street drugs with prescription drugs. When the prescription drug didn't work, and I suggested trying methadone, you did.

You've been totally clean for months now. You're doing great in that sense.

But I've hardly seen you in all that time. Since you're not coming to town to buy drugs, you're not coming to see me.

Looks like you didn't want the friendship by itself.

So why did you invite me to go on vacation with you this month? Why me, and not one of your other friends? Was it "easier" to stay clean on vacation with me than with one of them? Are they still using?

And why do you get so angry with me? Why do you think you can make rules about what I talk about (myself)? Why do I bore you when I talk about myself? You talk about yourself, and I've never gotten bored and I've never criticized or condemned you.

And why is it OK for you to get scared, worried, and tired, but it's not OK for me to get tired and want to rest? Why can't I pick where we eat out once in awhile? Or where we go sightseeing?

Why do you want me to go on vacation with you again next winter? If I'm so boring, and you get so mad at me, why do you want me along?

Why am I even considering going with you again? Why don't I tell you I'll go but only if you count to 10 before you get mad at me next time?

You used to share your feelings with me. You don't anymore. I couldn't identify with what you felt when you were using, because the only drugs I've ever used were prescribed antibiotics. I don't even take prescription pain relievers!

I figured you'd be happier once you got clean. I figured you'd feel more positive about yourself and your life. I figured you'd feel better physically. Why are you angrier now than you were when you were using? You should be proud of yourself. I am. But I'm not proud of the way you act.

I still care about you. But I'm not sure I want to be friends anymore. I care about myself too. And I don't know how to be your friend anymore.

I don't even know why I'm posting this here. Gotta tell somebody, I guess.

Charioteer

Without trying to sound too harsh, this dude sounds like a selfish jerk! Stay strong and tell him to jump in a lake!

MIRecovery

I just have no room in my life for toxic people. Life is short and there are more great people out there than I have time for so I certainly I'm not going to waste it on people that aren't good for me

Eddiebuckle

Firesong, sobriety is not the state of not using drugs or alcohol, it is learning to live happily without drugs or alcohol. Sounds like he still has a way to go yet.

Ann

Sometimes the character defects we blamed on drugs are still there long after the drugs are gone. Or sometimes they were masked by the drug so we only caught glimpses now and then.

Ask yourself, would his behaviour be acceptable to you if drugs had never been in the equation or if you just met him today?

You are wise to think about moving on, it may be painful to leave your dreams with this man behind but the dreams are not real, tomorrow is. Please take very good care of yourself and accept the lesson and let it guide you to happier days ahead without the chaos of addiction.

Hugs

JOIE12

... when the pain of walking away is less than the pain of staying

CodeJob

Hello Firesong,

Recovery is a long road.

My RAH has not tackled all of his demons. He still has self esteem issues. This impacts his work.

Some of it is brain wiring which may heal or may not. I've found this blog dense but definitely an interesting review of brain science with an addiction focus.

Inside The Alcoholic Brain | The psychology and neuropsychology of alcoholism, addictive behaviour and recovery.

But you know what, some friends are only in your life for a certain time. You can end the friendship too rather than feel obligated to keep something alive that is a huge chore...

zoso77

Just because you care about someone doesn't mean they should be in your life.

Firesong

What kind of self-esteem issues? Low self-esteem? Or arrogance and thinking he's the only one who matters?

(If you don't mind posting about it. )

What is an RAH?

Bubovski

Drugs and alcohol can certainly exacerbate the annoying faults in others.
Sometimes those faults, too, have their basis in other areas.
Where empathy and considerations just aren't there, for too long it may be
time to move on.

Firesong

I think I just figured out what an RAH is.

teatreeoil007

Yep, you gotta tell someone and get those feelings out. How frustrating for you. A well written and expressive post!

Unfortunately, some addicts can also be narcissistic and self-centered. That may be the case here, I don't know. If that is the case, having a relationship with a self-centered person can grow very tiring and cause you to feel weary and empty eventually because they tend to take a lot from you and not give as much back.

Remember that you friend is still on Methadone, which is another type of opiate.

teatreeoil007

What is stopping you from approaching your friend and asking him all these questions? Has he cut you off, blocked your calls and emails? Take the guess-work out of it and settle it. Addicts and recovering addicts do not read minds. Good luck...

I've been on both sides of the types of situation(s) you are describing...I sense a LOT of frustration and confusion coming from you...how will you ever know how you 'friend' feels or where he is coming from if you never ask him directly. He may be hurting. He may miss you but he may also be 'guessing' what is really going on and wondering what to do next.

It's pretty clear that your feelings are strong...and I sense that you are afraid of dealing with this person straight on, for some reason...