smartass1379

Hello all,
My name is Victor and my boyfriend just went into rehab about a week ago. I've known him for a little over a year but have only been together for 6 months. He just started rehab and at the facility he was at he was on a detox and was not allowed to communicate with anyone for the first 7 days. Yesterday was the first day he had his phone and he didn't call me, so I decided to text him and ask him if everything is alright and he told me it would be too hard for him to talk to anyone right now. At first, I was hurt and upset thinking that he should miss and want to talk to me but after reading many wonderful posts here I understand that he was never in a mental state to start a relationship because of his addiction problems. From what he has told me he had only been doing heroin for 2 months, which was 4 months after we started dating. Is there any advice you can give me?

I know the best thing for me is to focus on myself and see what happens once he gets out. I think I've come to terms with the fact that we wont be together after he gets out because he needs to focus on his recovery. It's really hard to say that because I love the man so much, I know he will not go back to the man he used to be when we first met and that in terms we will have to start again as friends. I don't know, I guess I just want to hear what anyone else thinks.

A little background info: My boyfriend, originally had only dated women but had always been curious. When we met we were just friends and were friends for about 8 months till he decided to ask me to be his boyfriend. We were together for 4 amazing months till he started using and he emotionally started to withdraw from the relationship and the last 2 months has been working on his addiction.

CodeJob

Welcome to SR Victor!

I think backing off to see how he fares is wise. I am concerned that he's got a lot more than heroin going on...

Broncosys

Victor, I would be extremely skeptical of his report that two months of heroin use is all that is going on here. Us addicts can smell bs from a distance and I am sorry man, but that story does not ring true. You take care Victor and stay on this forum for some support. Incredible awesome people here. Peace sir.

zoso77

Victor...

Welcome to the Board. I'm sorry for what has brought you here, but grateful that you've found us. Other members will be by in due course to greet you and offer you support. As is my wont, I'd like to share some things too.

The early stages of a romantic relationship are often described as amazing when new people come to us in distress. It's when people put on their best face and put their best foot forward. It's when the stuff hits the fan that we find out what's behind that best face. And it's safe to say the stuff has hit the fan.

So, the question you have to ask yourself is really simple to ask, but really hard to answer. And that's who's the real him. The truth is after this short a period of time, you don't know with any certainty. So what you can do, while you're with us, is learn about the monster that is addiction. The more you learn, the better your chances you can make the best decisions for yourself going forward.

Keep us posted. And again, Welcome to the Board.

smartass1379

Thank you all for your reply's. I'm glad to have found this forum because I've been pretty lost. I agree, there must be more to the problem than that and it saddens me to think that I don't know they man I've been in a relationship with. Such an eye opener to think about in that way. Before the Heroin we used to talk about life and his want to care for people. He was always very spiritual and saw things from a different point of view than mine. Its odd to think that might not be really him. Feel free to post tough love because I need it and welcome it.
Thank you everyone who has replied.

zoso77

Sometimes, we do do that. This time, however, I wouldn't consider it helpful or appropriate. What's important going forward, Victor, is that you're honest with yourself. Heroin addiction is as brutal and as deadly addiction as there is, and one of the consequences of that is it makes the true core and personality of the person using it. So all you can do is believe your eyes, and have a strong set of boundaries...

smartass1379

That's what I'm trying. Right he hasn't reached out to me and its disheartening but I can only hope he is truly working on himself. So far posting on here has really helped me feel ok with him not reaching out to me.

Broncosys

Good Victor. It sounds like even though you are hurting, you nevertheless have a good and healthy perspective on the situation. The fact that he isn't reaching out to you likely has nothing at all to do with you, or at least not nearly as much as you think. Your boyfriend is very likely confused, angry, delving into parts of his own psyche that are not pleasant to delve into, embarrassed, and on and on. I think you have to get yourself to a place of completely letting him go. If nothing else you will maintain an enormous amount of self respect by doing that and he will respect that too. I'd bet too that if you truly let him go and make his way through this in his own way with no pressure in any form whatsoever from you, it greatly increases the likelihood that he will indeed want you to stay in his life as much more than friends. Hang in Victor.

GardenMama

Good advice here, and you are wise to keep reading!

I am the mother of a recovering heroin addict daughter (21, and 1 + year clean) and I can tell you that whatever the addict tells you about their use is always very misleading, if not a downright lie. When my daughter revived in the ICU nearly two weeks after a severe OD, she told us she'd only used heroin twice. When she relapsed 6 months later, we learned that it had been more than 2 years. So, whatever he told you is most likely not true at all.

Living with that kind of distortion is really hard, I know. It makes you wonder about everything: what WAS true? What really happened? What did our loved one really feel, think, care about, etc.? It's not a road you want to go down, but can't help it, especially when you are alone with your thoughts and worries. I understand.

I hope you are able to step back, detach from this man, and think about how much YOU are worth. He may find his way back to you, but he may not, and that may indeed be a blessing. There are lots of deep, interesting, and lovely people out here in the world. I am not dismissing what you've felt for him, just trying to broaden your world view. Heroin is an evil beast of a drug, and it takes so much work to tame it, and so much strength to love someone through its devastation.

I wish you all the best.

smartass1379

@gardenmama & @broncosys
Thank you for your kind words. The first thing I went to was thinking he was regretting being with me or I had done something wrong. I've given him his space and not reached out to him. Letting him know if you need me I will be there. I've always been a guy with a plan and I have a very good life, I know I can find someone who isn't dealing with an addiction problem but I do want to be something he can lean on if he needs and at the end of this if he wants to be with me, that's what I want too.

I've been keeping a cool head but the reality that he will not want to pursue a relationship with me after this is really sinking in and its hard. The hard part is, he will go home to a mother who is a huge enabler.

His older brother is also addicted to heroin and has been sent to a separate rehab for 3 months. The mother enabled both of them and has pretty much spoiled them rotten. When I caught my boyfriend with heroin I confronted her and she told me "I know, I've known for about 2 weeks" My first reaction was to ask her why she hasn't told anyone but later to find out that she has been buying the heroin for him so he wouldn't have to go through withdrawals. I don't want him to go back to that home. His dad knew something was up but he decided to ignore the problem and if I wasn't there to confront them both, he never would have gone to rehab. I've truly invested a lot of my effort on this guy and its truly a heavy realization to think he might not be with me at the end of all this.

All I can say is that I've been supportive and the best partner anyone could ask for. I know I have a lot to offer, I just hope he is there with me at the end. Putting lots of positive energy into the universe.

THANK YOU EVERYONE FOR YOUR REPLIES. THEY HELP SO MUCH

CodeJob

Momma was buying him heroin? That is some blue ribbon enabling.

I forgot to mention that I adore your name yesterday, Smartass!

smartass1379

hahaha I've had it since middle school, going on 29 and I love it. Yeah Mom was buying the heroin with the dad's money and omitting it from him. I had to tell his dad so that he would stop allowing her to do that.

GardenMama

That is a really, really messy situation, Smartass/Victor. I know you are hurting, but I do hope you can keep your distance. Heroin has a track record of multiple treatment/recovery episodes that always seem to include very intense and scary relapses. This one time is likely not going to kick it, especially with the enabling he's surrounded by. Keeping you in my thoughts!

smartass1379

I understand, its extremely messy. Logically, I know the best thing for me is to walk away and live my life and find someone else, but emotionally I love him and want to give him this opportunity to get clean.

I finally heard from him and he said he wasn't sure if he was ready for me to visit. He is convinced I have a drinking problem, I'm not sure if he is saying that because of being in rehab or what. It was really hurtful. I tried to explain to him that through out this whole time that he has been gone and I've been hurting because I miss him, I have not touched any of the bottled of alcohol because I don't use it to escape. He is convinced other wise.

To add insult to injury, his parents are very firm on not being accepting of our relationship because I'm a guy. According to the mom they apparently tolerate it but done believe in it.

Its just so hard to hear him say things like that and categorize me with the people who have encouraged him to use. I can say with certainty that if it wasn't for me he would have not gone to rehab because his family was letting him get away with it. I have been the driving force in making it stop.

At this point I know the only smart option is to forget about him and move on but I don't want to. I entered this whole heartedly and I know it's stupid and that I should be able to control my emotions better than this.

Does anyone have solution for letting go?

JOIE12

you did not make it stop. You may have halted it temporarily but heroin will call him for the rest of his life. The brain stops production of serotonin which is necessary to survival. After ending usage - it takes 6m or more to start producing it again. There are meds that help with this for a time and also being on suboxone or methadone - is only a bridge to a new addiction.

We all wanted to be the love of our addicts life, and maybe for a time we all were, but heroin wins - one way or another. I helped my ABF for almost 3 years. He died this past March. I miss him every day. I had finally made the decision to remove myself from the craziness as it was destroying everything in my life. As they say here - if love could save them, none of us would be here.

After he passed away - I read a comment from an active addict ... 'he who makes a beast of himself, escapes the pain of being a man' - - which to me means - he could not handle life on life's terms. He had a broken part that only he could have accepted and worked on. It had nothing to do with me.

The feelings are all real, but sometimes it feels as if I was watching a play, a really sad play, and I could not bring myself to get up out of my seat and leave the theater.

Best wishes to you SA, I'm glad you are here and seem to have a decent handle on this .... remaining friends with an addict doesn't usually work out. Experience shows that to save yourself, you may need to walk away. No one can tell you to do this though - it is something that you will awaken to as time progresses. Please keep us updated, hugs to you
Joie

smartass1379

JOIE12 thank you for those kind words and I'm sorry for you loss. It's starting to sink in that I have no control over anything, other than myself. With that in mind I've been doing little things everyday to separate myself from him. Everyday I don't hear from him, everyday I hear from his mother and she passively undermines my feelings for him, makes it easier for me to pull away. I wish more than anything He had a clear perspective on who I am and what I've tried to do for him.

Is that a thing? Do they start to see clearer and realize who truly has tried to support them to be healthy?

It is one of my favorite things to sign on and see posts from all of you. I want to give you all a big hug and just let you know how much reading these posts helps me rationalize and process what's going on with all the advice you all have given. Thank you!

JOIE12

that's a good question...

my experience was that he was mean when he was dopesick. When he was 'on' ... he was awesome. But what does that mean ....

He was inside there somewhere but there is no rationalizing the behavior or someone who is high. Right after using, the next high is the only thing on their mind. They become great manipulators, liars and will squeeze your last dollar out of you even if it's for a bite of food cause all of their money goes for drugs.

And it hurts.

It's a really tough thing to have to tell yourself - that he cares but he can't care.

It becomes an addiction. To see a glimpse of the person that we knew (if we knew them before using). To hear the words that wrapped themselves around out heart. Made it so much easier to bear.

And yet at the end of it all was the fear ... that they didn't really love us. That they would die. That we were failures for having to walk away.

so ... we get stronger and we learn the facts and we realize that the only thing within our control is 'me'. The addiction to our addict is a tough thing to break. There is nothing wrong with pushing them, letting them see who they are sometimes, and remembering that they cannot be in a loving committed safe relationship after heroin. It destroys everyone in it's path. We are here because we were helped with the words of those that came before us.

smartass1379

Hey joie12,
I understand what you are saying. My experience was a little different, he was always extremely sweet even when he would be sober. I asked the times he wouldn't use and he said whenever I was with you. The more he used the less we hung out. But even withdrawing he kept me close. I had convinced myself it meant he loved me. What was a lie? What was the truth? It's stuff I don't think I will ever know. I'm doing ok and will be doing fine because of all the support I have found here. I've decided that I am single and if he seeks me out after he is clean, that's great, if not, it's for the best. I will not stop loving him soon but at least I feel like I can move on.

zoso77

Victor, if I had a dime for every person that's come through here writing those very words, I could retire today and play guitar in bars for the rest of my life.

This is all I will say. It doesn't matter one iota how much you love him. People in active addiction or abstaining (but not in recovery) are incapable of absorbing that love. Those type of people are like a big container with a hole in the bottom. You pour love it, and it comes right back out. That's just how it is. At some point, you will have to make decisions on what is best for you, and what is best for you isn't necessarily the same thing as what you want.

Keep us posted.

mnh1982

Victor, welcome. The best piece of advice I can give you is this:

Do not, ever, fully believe what they SAY.

Believe what you SEE.

My ex-husband was the king of sweetness, light & pathological lies to hide what he was really up to. Until he got caught.

The second I started to respect & love myself & our child more than I loved the IDEA of who he might be, the polish wore right off. He followed white lie with white lie with bigger lie. And whenever i caught him off-guard, he got angry.

Look for these major signs:

-inability to meet your eyes OR aggressive staring when confronted: my ex either could not look me in the face, or would do the exact opposite, widen his eyes as much as possible & stare right at me when he was lying. If poker face was not a Lady Gaga song, but a test, he would have failed miserably.

- KEEPING YOU CLOSE: this is not out of love. It is out of paranoia. Keeping you close means you cannot fact-check, because he's there. You cannot exercise your own freedoms and therefore be your own person and therefore not need him, because he;s there. You cannot ask friends/family members/etc what's going. Because he is always. There. Do you see what I mean?

=Disappearing: Again, my ex was the king of this. "A couple of hours" at "his parents' house" would turn into 5, 6, 7 hours. "Be home at 5:30" turned into not coming home at all. That sort of thing.

-Saying that they need you. Not true. They don't They only WANT you to support them financially/emotionally while they continue to get high. As Zo said...love means nothing. It doesn't. And that sucks.

But what sucks worse is waking up day after day to realise that not only does the addict not love you, you don't love yourself anymore either.

You seem to really be grasping what other SR members are saying quite well. Now it's just a matter of putting it into practice.

Good luck